You whisper

Toxic.

Toxic reality spat into my head.

Such a smart ass you are.

I would fight you.

But you’re so tiny and weak compared to me.

You couldn’t stand a chance.

I don’t fight others who aren’t my size.

I don’t like hurting others.

But you do.

Sticks and stones may break my bones.

But your words are razor blades injecting poison into me to sustain my pain.

Yet I hold that smile, high and proud.

You don’t just get to tear me down.

My non-existent presence will haunt you.

So you can hold your Medusa’s tongue

And watch me be happier and with less snakes slithering around.

I follow you through the dark

to the inside of my heart

to the depths of your soul

to the place, we'll call home

I see them looking back

Green eyes, mine

A forehead scar from Nanny's

Marble coffee table

When I was three

Left-side eye dimple

From when I got bit by a dog

Just before I turned five

Hair a long an' tangled mess

Flyaways cast me frazzled -

Or haywire

But my toothy chin grin

Looks like it did back

When I was eighty-pounds stouter

And I'm proud to note that my

Thinklines and laughlines

Are the clearest sign of aging

It's good look me straight in the eye

And ask how's this?

-----

@bykaileyann

#reflection #freeverse #poetry #spokenword

I have seen a hundred battles, but this was the Armageddon itself. Our allies fell like whitings to the whales. There were fathers, husbands and young lads under those iron helmets and armours. But none of them shook their heads to break the gates of hell and march into the jaws of death. Sabres and scimitars painted the earth poppy red and a hail of thousand arrows flew through the air like meteor showers.

Young boys fell like animals raised for slaughter. Longevous soldiers disappeared to be a bard’s tale. The winds kept blowing in a constant rhythm as if singing a celestial lullaby for those immortal corpses.

After all, the battlegrounds resembled nothing but a cemetery for the unburied. What are we doing here? An army of dizzards fighting for a daffy kingdom? Why wouldn’t all war end at once? Before I could find an answer for those questions, I felt a dagger slide through my chest. And all I could remember seeing were the doors of inferno.

I smile at the decisions I did not make

for every time I faked, flaked, and snaked

I cry at the will of the world

it takes and breaks without remorse

and didn't see

what was inside of me

from lost potential a life was formed.

In a stringent form, a fleeting storm

farewelled my sense of freedom

The earth never bent when I walked upon it

Furiously unchanged

it remained

when I bulldozed my parents world with my whirlwind decisions

skills that I lacked and a knowledge unfinished

I tried what I could to move a single pebble

but if a saint couldn't do it, then neither could a rebel.

I wanted to live till I was 96

now 10 years doesn't feel like a guarantee

But all I wanted was to see

the change of the century

from 99 to 100

A numbers difference, a monumental deliverance

Why does it matter to me?

Can life be measured in how many

heads up pennies you found?

Or how many times we

scoured the ground

for a clover

so we could win the lottery?

How we won big in Vegas

and lost bigger back home?

Either way, we are here.

A past not forgotten, not forgiven, nor loved.

Not appreciated

Didn't shake hands with it, didn't give it a hug

The past cannot be changed

but the future isn't certain

Here's to 10 more years,

if the years are worth livin'.

I’m not sorry I left him, there’s not one molecule in my body, not one slither of DNA that will ever be sorry for that. I am sorry that it has caused you pain, but it didn’t have to be this way. It could have been different. Sure, it would have still broken your heart, but it didn’t have to be mangled, torn, and shredded to pieces; causing you to bleed out wherever you go. No, it didn’t have to be this way, but I’m still not sorry I left.

I’ve tried to keep quiet and allow you to see the truth for yourself, but my love I can’t do it anymore. I will not continue to be mentality and emotional abused by a kid that’s being slowly indoctrinated and manipulated with lies. If I wait any longer, you’ll be too far gone for you to ever see the truth.

Please know this, I tried harder than you will ever understand to make it work. For over 10 years I stayed and pretended to be someone I wasn’t, because I was weak and scared. I was weak and scared because I had be told that no one else would ever “put up” with me. I was told that I wasn’t good enough for my job, any of them... as a business woman, entrepreneur, mother or a wife. That I could never do it on my own, that I needed him. I was beaten down and manipulated by my own creation.

I help to build him into a monster, Frankenstein. I encouraged and supported him, I helped him to believe that he could do anything, because I believed that he could. I helped him find his voice and helped him out of his broken shell. I held his hand and healed is wounds and I made him step into a role he didn’t have the balls to step into otherwise. Ask him, he sure as hell used to admit it, because it’s the truth. I made the big decisions, when to buy a home when to sell it, when to ask for a raise when to demand respect. I’m the one who took care of school, the house and for the majority of the time the inside and out. Yet, he hated the fact that I wasn’t baking cookies and a gourmet meal wasn’t on the table every night. He hated when I worked, because I couldn’t keep up with you guys and the house to his liking. He loathed me being home, because he resented me having the opportunity and he didn’t. He was jealous of me, he was lazy and he didn’t want me to believe in myself. You know why, because he knew my worth and he was scared to death that if I had confidence I’d leave. You know how I know that, because he told me all the time he was glad I was insecure because he knew I’d never leave. I believed once that, that meant he loved me. Only now I know that was his fear of being alone, not love for me.

Yep, I resented him for all of it! I resented in him for not having faith in me, for beating me down every chance he got. He stopped believing in me, he stopped listening or hearing me. He never wanted me to succeed. When something went down I had to stand up and handle it. I had to be the man and the woman of the house and yes, I didn’t always excel playing both of those roles while being belittled at every turn. I begged him to see me for me, for years I explained in detail everything I needed and it fell upon deaf ears. I was ignored while screaming to be understood and he did nothing to fix it. You know why, because he NEVER ever believed that I would ever be strong enough to leave.

Well, he was wrong and I told him I would, yet he still didn’t believe me. He thought I could be pacified by material things and for a while I was. I thought that would fill the void I held inside, but I knew in my heart it was all a lie. In his eyes my worth, anyone’s worth for that matter, was solely based on how much money they brought home. A far cry from the humble man I married. Everything became a superficial competition and self-worth began being measured by how many figures were on your check stub. The topic of discussion amongst our “friends” was based on the first people to leave the room. I didn’t give a damn about any of it. Was there any wonder I was sick for almost our entire marriage and became healthy when I left? It was literally killing me.

I wanted a partner, a man to make me feel safe and protected. I wanted to build him up so that he would lead me and I would willingly and submissively follow him. I wanted to live life not in competition with each other but in partnership. Instead we became groundhogs day and a total cliché, we had become what I never wanted to be. I could no longer take it, walking into that house, felt like the oxygen was being sucked out of my body.

He lost me when he told me a lot of things, but one was that they had chosen the wrong person for the job, the nail in the coffin is when he walked out the door assuming me to something I’m incapable of ever being, and the day I left was the last day he would ever ignore me and pretend I wasn’t there, and I’m not sorry.

The only thing I am sorry about is keeping my mouth shut and taking the blame for everything. I got all the disrespect, bashing, and hate from everyone. I bowed out and took all the blame. I did that because at the time I didn’t have the words, but God have me the strength he knew your dad never had. He gave me nothing, that wasn’t rightfully mine, I left a whole lot behind. It was worth it to me to let him have it and be done with him. There’s nothing wrong with wanting nice things, money or even status, that is until those things start to measure your self-worth. All, I own fits inside a 10 x 10 storage shed and if I lost it all tomorrow, my soul would still be at peace, because I know what really matters. So, when you make fun of me because I turned in my fancy QX80 for a paid off Highlander, that was gift from my sister. It makes me sad, not for me, but for you my love, because he got to you before I could show you what things really matter in life. He is a coward for wanting you to hate me, because he doesn’t want you to know my worth, because then you might leave him too. You have been sent unknowingly, on a mission to try your best to dim my light, because that would reveal his greedy and vindictive, manipulative, and narcissistic ways, and that my Love scares the hell out of him... and it should because one day it will.

When I left I had some major healing to do. I had to dig really deep inside of myself to muster the courage to move forward despite the fact that I had little to no confidence in myself. I was called by God to preform a job a duty and yes it was scary, but totally worth it. I could breathe again for the first time in years! It was best for you guys to stay in the house bc of school etc. I had no clue what I was doing other than just taking it one day at a time. I know it may have made you feel like I left you too, but it was just the best option I had.

I never professed to be perfect, however; I find it pointless to describe all my faults, as you seem to be quite sure of the assumptions you’ve already gathered about me. I’m not sorry for anything I ever did, right or wrong. I regret nothing, because I am happy now knowing who I am and living my truth. It kills him to see me so happy with nothing, while he has to fold paper money to fake his own smile. Love, happiness, and joy are things that can never be bought. They are earned through mutual respect and belief in yourself and someone else, if you lose that respect or believe in yourself or another, the love, happiness, and joy you once had will be lost as well. If they are temporarily gained through manipulation, they will always find away to be freed from what confines them. So listen when I say, love yourself first and when you love another do so with respect and belief in your heart. If you don’t have that then, you will keep love, happiness and joy in your life. I don’t hate him, I don’t hold hate in my heart for anyone. I’m just disappointed in who he turned out to be. I hope that one day when you’re old enough to see through the veil of illusion that you’ll understand why I did what I did, but know this I am not sorry and I will never be sorry for leaving.

-Living off-grid is the best living

-Camping is the best part of summer

-Ice cream is bomb

-Chocolate cake is the best kind of cake

-Nikon over Canon

-People shouldnt pretend that they care about someone if they dont really

-Don't ever let anyone to close to you it will always end in disaster

-Build your reputation well

-I'm not saying go shoot up a school or kill someone, but if you're ever in an argument with someone and they won't leave you alone sometimes punching them in the face is the best option (it works)

-Boxing, Mtn.Biking, Free Diving, Soccer, Lacrosse, and Football, are the grea88est sports to play

-Capitalizing A’s in the middle of A word Always cAlms you down And helps with heAdAches

-Coke is better than pepsi

-KOMBUCHA is AMAZBALLS

-Less is more

- The dentist is worse than the doctor

- Cereal tastes better at night than in the morning

- Everyone shouldn’t have to agree on how to handle things like abortion, but everyone should respect other people’s decisions even if that is not the choice they themself would make

- Peanut butter chocolate pretzels are one of the best things that have ever been created

- Picture day is often not an accurate reflection of who students are and we should just do away with the whole process

- Ordering for yourself at a restaurant is extremely scary. It’s also something I should be able to do at 14 but yet here we are

- Showering at night is much better than showering in the morning

- The coronavirus vaccine is not an infringement of anyone’s rights

- Anything rose flavored is absolutely revolting (I’m willing for someone to prove me wrong, but as of right now, I have tasted nothing that would change my mind)

- Temperatures above 83 degrees, unless there is a body of water nearby to jump into, are highly unenjoyable

- People with different views or political opinions should be able to have a rational discussion without ending friendships or starting full blown arguments.

- Growing up is overrated

- The MLDA should be 18, not because I want to start drinking earlier but because if you can join the army, get married, and own property at 18-years-old, you should be able to drink...

- Surgery for people who are transgender should be cheaper. People shouldn’t have to pay a large amount of money for the basic happiness that is feeling comfortable in your own gender/skin that most of the world population is guaranteed

- Mochi is not all it’s cracked up to be

- You should be able to skydive anywhere at age 14 with parental consent...yes, that’s because I want to skydive, what about it?

- Running is actually very fun, contrary to popular opinion

- Milk chocolate is better than dark chocolate (99% of the time)

- Gluten-free bread shouldn’t be smaller than regular bread because we are not tiny people and I stay full for no longer than 20 minutes at a time so it’s just not enough...

- Global Warming should be a main priority on the ‘things our world needs to fix’ list (that list doesn’t exist but it should) because it’s like a long term project where you don’t realize how much you have to do so you procrastinate until the last minute, except instead of the consequences being an angry teacher, they are permanently f*cking up our planet

- People should be born with no sexuality and then whoever they decide to like/date/marry, that’s who they decide to like/date/marry. No strings attached, no labels, no more homophobia or anything else...

- Pasta is the best

- Grading people on their ability to act out a scene from Macbeth and memorize 95 lines and have to actually portray emotion in their words is cruel and unusual punishment (not specific at all...I wonder who is affected by this...hmm)

- Mint chocolate chip ice cream is the best flavor

- Water fountains seem like a good idea but the more you think about it the more you realize that you’re drinking water from a spout multiple someones have probably spit on and basically inhaling germs. #waterbottlefillingstationsforthewin #nomorewaterfountains2021

- Monopoly is fun regardless of how long it takes

- Getting blood drawn is a million times worse than getting a shot

- Going to space or deep sea diving are among the scariest things you could possibly do.

- The U.S. needs more gun control laws and background checks. Trying to stop school shootings and shootings in general is not infringing upon second amendment rights.

And I think that’s it! This was longer than expected and I’ll probably think of a bunch more as soon as I post this, but yeah. Thanks for reading :)

The three trimumphant tom-cats: Timothy, Theodore and Travis. Trickle through the taxi, telling them this and that. Travis is a taunting, tricky teen with a tail that trembles . Theodore was the tender teen that thought of theology throughly though no one seemed intereste. Timothy thought throughly of tremendous thoughtlessness with no tern or trek of the future. Together they were the tremendous trouble trio that terminally test the tenacious testomony the textbook thrash. Truely, the tantalizing Tom-cats try thrilling thunderous tasks.