I wanted you to be my first everything- and in some ways you were. But really, you became my last. That's the way I'll always remember you. Like newly fallen snow, I soon became muddied and lost my purity. But maybe you can't lose something you never really had. Maybe no one is ever truly pure.

There once was a great big whale that lived in the sea. Everywhere he looked was filled with new adventures and wonderment.

Every night he would go back home to his mother and father, eat dinner and dream about what lay above the water.

'Above the water is where the gods roam', said his father to him on a sleepless night.

'They must not be disturbed but showered with our water as we breathe'.

One day the whale swam across the surface and noticed a tiny spot at the end of the blue. Moving figures, colors and sounds he did not notice.

When he went home that night he was told to stay away from that place. He went back the next day, of course.

As he swam, admiring the colors, he felt he must breathe, so he went up. He felt a crash on his body and saw that he had disrupted the colors and the sounds changed to higher frequencies.

He did not come home that night, but his story lives on amongst the whales. When Gary saw gods, the gods struck him down.

The man walked his dog,

Like he always did.

His nose was wet,

Like it always was, he thought.

Then the dog fell down a hill,

Like it never did.

The doctor said it wouldn't make it,

Unless it got a liver.

He cut his stomach open,

Said 'Take mine', so he did.

If you see a dog with a human liver,

Running around.

Say hello like you always would.

In pain I see beauty

creeping down from my arms

trickling towards my fingertips

and falling to the floor

as gently as a feather.

I love it searing through me

undoing my defiance

overwhelming all feelings

snaking to my throbbing heart

and disappearing in a blissful release.

A glimpse of him is all I get because I know if I'd let myself be comforted by one single of touch of him I'll probably loose my stand.

I'm only a friend you see, someone to talk to but not want. Someone to see but not feel. Someone to mention but not wonder about cause I'm only an acquaintance that's how he sees me. He makes my heart ache so irrevocably that by the end of every week I need to cry my soul out , claw out every once of pain seeing him brings me cause the feelings become to unbearable and I drown in my tears for a moment because I know I have to tell myself I need to start swimming again before the currents become too strong.

"I love her" he tells me so causally yet painfully. He doesn't believe that he should feel this way. That people like him don't deserve it. He tells me he feels guilty to love her and be loved back, I ask why? He says " I'm taking away a piece of love in the world that I know someone else may need it more than me" I smile painfully at him cause that just made me love him a little more if that's possible he tries to reach out for me but I just stay out of reach , he sighs and nods thinking he understands my reasons why I haven't let myself  be touched by anyone over six months. He hasn't realized that's the same amount of time he's been with her. He hasn't realized that my body is yearning his touch, and mind craving to be noticed by him.

But I stay at a distance close enough to be seen but not loved. 

you overshadowed wrongs.

a sin to hide a sin.

i could mirror it-

your face -

that look i didn't

regret seeing.

about that, i now believe

you overshadowed rights.

a hate that hid love.

i couldn't see-

your face-

gone.

you've been horrified-

darkest of my clouds

but then-

flew your way out

that's what you only knew

thank God

i told nothing.

i hid nothing.

you forced me to speak lies

then you wait

then you suffer

and you die.

Shrouded 

clouded 

dormant, 

but poised.

This paroxysm outbreak 

torrid and smouldering.

I wish it to be for you

Climbing 

clambering,

far out of reach.

I need to feel this

Unrequited, 

blemished committal.

You are not what 

you promised.

Fundamental compulsions

evolved into necessity

while your eyes drift.

I want that unknown

Still

I'll lock this away,

decaying in the dark.

I'm not gone.

I'm still here.

Just lurking in the dark.

Watching writers

Write their words

And debating on taking part.

the ballistics of my words,

give me away,

smoke rings

and scratches of hesitation,

check the markings,

they look like

the gashes made

by a man clawing

his way from beneath.

roots and mud and

blood spilt against

the stones.

I've heard the sun

can dry my skin,

turn it to dust,

and a good breeze

can wash it all away.

I wish it didn't

always depend

on the weather,

but it does and

she needs daylight

to grow.

I'd give anything

to die.

and come back

as a nightlight that

makes it less dark

when she sleeps.

In my mind

I paint the sky black

Sip the clouds in my coffee

Smoke my mint cigarette

Close my eyes to the canvas

Of my life

I draw a blue bird

On the palm of my hand

Watch it fly to your room

It sings as it lands

You wake from dreams

To move closer to me

To rest your hand

Upon my cheek

To smile that trustworthy smile

Now the blackness of the sky

Has drained and settled into your eyes

An ink outline of euphoria

To know someone this deeply

Without words

Is what love intended

From the start