Days and months and years pass by,

Time is but a dream with no real meaning, and life is nothing without feeling.

Death is as much a part of life;

Just as a tree must shed its leaves,

to make room for new growth in Spring.

I too, will meet Death at my winters’ end;

As will you,

Exist not in memories for there is a future before you,

And today is the only matter at all.

So I ask,

Do you exist in the past?

Is it for what has yet to come in which you bask?

Why is living in the present such an existential task?

So we hold the mask of ignorance,

And pretend to see no end,

Until the time has come for you ,

To return to dust again.

©S.J.Reed

There are days

I don't connect

With myself

Not

In the

Questioning my existence

Vein

Because

That's different

And normal

But

In the

Am I

Being true

To myself

Way

Which is smaller

And less

Significant

But bigger

And

More poignant

Yet

The answer

Is in the question

Because

I asked

Who Erm I?

Instead

Of

Who

Am

I

I never really met him.

Not technically, anyway.

I wasn’t watching where I was wandering when we bumped, I mean when I bumped into him. His drink didn’t spill, though mine did. I stained the carpet with two fingers of tequila. He used two fingers to point to an empty hall. I made my way through the crowded room to apologize for my clumsiness.

What I thought was wrong, so very wrong.

He introduced himself, but didn’t say his name doing so. In doing what he didn’t do, he reminded me of the complete opposite of those black and white film carnival barkers directors use to foreshadow everything yet to come. His was a series of well-rehearsed motions in which those in close proximity would swear something of great importance was just about to happen.

And it did.

So I listened with an intent I never displayed before.

And I learned.

He told me of my life. He highlighted my highlights and delved equally into my pitfalls.

He knew me as I didn’t even know myself.

When he spoke of Mary, the one I let slip away, the one who fought against my ego, I wanted him to cease. When he spoke of her new life without me, I regretted asking him to stop. He knew I wanted to know more. My eyes begged and my pride gave way to my heart. I wish I had this level of composure with Mary when it mattered.

He told me she had a son, a healthy, happy lad who adored his mother and respected his father. The three led the life they wanted. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t that far away either.

I wanted more. I thought I had that right. Before speaking, he lifted his eyebrow, so subtle was his action in terms of energy expended, so powerful his action in terms of energy received, I held my tongue while he continued his narration.

Time had always been kind to Mary and her family. She aged well and her son grew. However, not all was well in her world. Her husband, twenty years older than her, began declining in health last spring. By fall, he would pass leaving their house emptier than ever. Mary bore his death well, on the outside. However, on the inside, to those who knew her enough to know the difference, Mary suffered. While she loved her husband, he was never to be Mr. Right, only Mr. Right Now. He gave of himself all he had to give. It was more than she ever could ask for, but it was never enough. Once he understood this feeling she carried, he never spoke of it again to her. He accepted his place as the older gentleman with more-than-adequate resources and a less-than-adequate appeal. She never tried to explain the hunger she had that he could not feed. It was not in her nature to aggravate wounds.

When he halted telling his tale, he took a sip from his drink. Almost, as if he did not want to divulge more, but under an oath to do exactly that, he drew breath and finished his story with the location of a vehicle parked in the hotel garage awaiting a date with destiny. He also told me if I break her heart again, he would kill me where I stood. As if we never met, he turned to walk away.

I turned to the nearest exit and found the parking garage.

It had been 25 years and she still had her pink Mustang.

And now she had my heart, again.

I know

It's my fault

I never

Wanted you

To see

How hard

It was

For me

I held

My suffering

Like a newborn

Carefully

And away

From the world

But when

We left

The shore

In our

Single parent sailboat

Me

Not even knowing

How to sail

I pointed out

The sunny skies

To distract you

While I fought sharks

I said

Close your eyes

And feel the breeze

While I

Evaded pirates

I said

This is fun

Life is great

When my exhaustion

Threatened

All our lives

You got bigger

And I built

A bigger ship

Learned more

About navigation

And felt proud

Of every storm

We weathered

Then the tsunami hit

And broke apart

All I had built

So we started again

With remnants

And new pieces

But

Older now

You stopped

Closing your eyes

And looking away

And saw

How close

We were

To sinking

And

Scared now

You shouted at me

Pointed out my flaws

Broke down my reserves

And I began

To question

My ability

And the boat

Fell in to disrepair

And when

It started to capsize

I said here

Stand on my head

And I swam to shore

And you ran off

Afraid

For your lives

And I built

A new boat

Smaller now

A boat for two

And your brother

Still closes his eyes

To feel the breeze

And looks

To the sunny sky

While I battle sharks

But I know

Someday

He will just watch

And I'm so afraid

Of what

He will think of me

For breakfast this morning

I feasted upon pain

Humanity's pain

Self and otherwise inflicted

I ingested morsel after morsel

Until my stomach swelled with it

And the lines

Between pain and ecstasy

Disappeared

For lunch

I dipped my spoon

Into a consommé of sorrow

I let it flow through me

Growing

Into a tidal wave of grief

For the unjust

For the lost

For the haunted masses

For those who know smile

As just a word

On a billboard

Selling toothpaste

For dinner

I chargrilled hate

And forced it down my gullet

Patty after patty

Topped

With thinly sliced sleaze

I eat like this

So I can go to sleep

Knowing

There's less in the world

Than yesterday