Why am I supposed to be alive?

To experience the encompassing love,

Just to be strangled by hate thereof?

To hold my family and friends dear,

Just to wait for them to disappear?

To silently obey the laws of loyalty,

Just to be named 'cheater' by society?

To swim in the lake of memories,

Just to drown by the upcoming centuries?

To be enthralled by my wonderful body,

Just to bear illnesses like it was shoddy?

To behold you in the evergreen light,

Just to heavily gulp our truthful plight?

To walk on the straight roads of trust,

Just to be pinned down by the doubt rust?

To drive the fastest ride of madness,

Just to halt with the brakes of sadness?

To give tight hugs of satisfying care,

Just to be left abandoned without a share?

To ignite the candles of constant hope,

Just to sit in dark wearing the despair robe?

So why am I supposed to be alive?

Is it just to help my death survive?

×∞ Adin

26 September 2020

Sitting here watching you be so happy, the happiest you have ever been, put such a smile on myy face. I tell you about my past experience with my ex and his drug addiction. I could see that this guy had so many of the traits of my ex, but you were blinded by your feelings. Do not blame yourself, I was once in the same boat you were in. I feared that he might not be the right fit for you and if you decided to stuck with it I feared that he might one day overdose and you get hurt even worse. My ex overdosed a few months ago and sadly he is no longer with us today. I miss him like crazy and I wish we did not end it like we did, but i digress. I am so happy that my bestie saw how toxic he was and you not have to wake up to the love of your life gone. He lied and messed with your feelings and now you are so much happier. Love you Bestie!

i'm a mess.

but.

i wish

i wasn't.

The Kings of the day

The Queens of the night

Bring tremors during May

And the reign of deadly plight

A feast is held descriminately

For successful deeds not their own

The poor watch feverishly

As they can only eat soup of bone

Thousands die at the end of June

The royals pay no mind at all

But, during a chill scarlet moon

The dead arrise at the start of fall

Thin to the bone and epidermis blue

They emerged from the unmarked lea

With eyes as red as a bloodish hue

The army marches slow and steadily

Down crumbles the relics and statues

As the poor are left unharmed

The rich are eaten and their pets too

Soldiers are shivering and locked alarmed

Flesh and limbs are torn indescriminately

As the palace burns into a mirage of Valhala

From the ashes, the poor rebuiled passionately

Then, they become lords--recycling the hatred of the

Damned.

Many people have shared their point of view at looking at the current protests and movements going on in our society right now from an "All Lives Matter" standpoint. Among these people was Billie Eilish, a famous singer, quoting, "No one is saying your life doesn't matter," she wrote on her Instagram. No one is saying your life is not hard. No one is saying literally anything about you...This is not about you," she continued. "Stop making everything about you. You are not in need. You are not in danger." She also explained it as if she would to a little kid, "If your friend gets a cut on their arm are you gonna wait to give all your friends a Band-Aid first because all arms matter?" she asked. "No," she said, saying that you would help your friend who was bleeding because they are the ones in need and in pain.

And this is all true.

It's not that white people don't matter

it's that they aren't the ones who have been kept down for hundreds of years

they aren't the ones who would and still probably will be arrested for a crime that happens anywhere in the general vicinity of where they are

because apparently the amount of melanin in someone's skin

is enough evidence white people need.

White people don't need band-aids

because they are the ones throwing the punches

the ones calling the shots

they are the ones with privilege whether they recognize it or not

and nothing is going to change

until the whole world opens our eyes and realizes

that all lives aren't going to matter

until black lives do.

Could this finally be my way out? I am so nervous and the butterflies in my stomach are killing me. This could be my only way out and I am not preppared. Well the only thing I can do is dive in head firstd. The worst response is no, but I am not ready to be stuck down again. What am I doing wrong? Well i sure wish it wasn't this stressful. I am ready for a change and this could benfit me in the long run; I have to do what is best for me not anyone else. Well time to attack this head on. Wish me luck!!!!

Time slips away when uncertainty becomes the shadow you’re unable to avoid. Yes, one sad, evil day, everything just fell apart. She walked out of the door and never returned. I’ve been waiting for her ever since. But she’s nowhere to be found.

My heart aches in each passing second, knowing that the last time she and I spoke would be the last thing I remember, which can’t be a pleasant image to keep in mind. We exchanged words, very hurtful words I wish I could take back.

It’s too late now I suppose. 

I regret that awful day. So now I am living with it.

Remorse is really such a dangerous thing because it is like a sweet drug that eats you alive from the inside. I guess maybe I meant to be this unfortunate man. We all have to play with the cards we’re dealt with on the table since we cannot change or turn the wheel of life. 

No wise man knows what tomorrow is withholding nor can change his past.

I miss her a lot, like more than anybody could ever know. I miss how she used to whisper into my ears and sing to me with her soft voice, caressing her gentle body against mine. She used to run her long fingers between my hair, telling me she’d love me forever, and I miss how that used to give me butterflies, a tingling feel I’m longing to keep. 

She was my fire and the centerpiece of my life. Today, I’m mourning alone, and sadly cuddling the soft pillows of loneliness in the darkness, sleeping on a cold bed. Alone.

The things I have of her are her old photos and memories. I can feel her presence and the euphoric smell of her seduction she had left in my mind. I keep staring at her oceanic eyes like she’s right in front of me. Admittingly, she’s long gone like a raindrop that disappears like morning mist.

My alter-ego teases me all the time, “She’s not coming back!”

I despise that nagging voice inside my head. I know she may not be coming back. But it annoys me each time he says, “Stop this hopeless journey and move on.”

How in the world can anybody live without hope?

Every time I hang out with myself, that’s the only advice he insists on giving me like I can snap my fingers and stop, then suddenly everything will be fine afterward.

I hope others understand what I’m going through. But nobody does. I also want to show her how much I’m hurting deep inside. I want to show her how much a piece of me is chipping away because of her. Because at this pace, my heart may not handle any more pain.

I want to move on. God knows how much I do want that; I yearn to forget that she even exists or ever existed. But I know that’s not how life works; for it’s not that simple, turning off your mind and erasing everything that hurts within. The truth is, it’s hard when the raging fire you want to put out is burning inside your skull; the noises, regrets, memories, and longing. 

The list of pains is endless, all because of one special person who’s missing from your life. 

How ironic and stupid is that?

Regret, longing, and pain are real; believe me, I can attest to that. They wait on their moment so that they can hold you a hostage to fry your brain like electric circuits; they’re like a poison that kills you slowly from the inside while you’re still breathing. They light-up inside your head whenever they desire and turn your life upside down. Or they can make your heart skip a beat. It all depends on your luck which way the coin flips. I suppose that’s the price to be paid.

I’m still hopeful from a hopeless situation, although deep down, I am lying to myself.

I often go to visit the place where she and I met and fell in love, hoping to see her. Yet, her absence is what is always present when I am longing her presence.

Sometimes, I hear strange noises, and each time I listen to them, I quickly jump and rush to the door as if she is standing outside. But, nobody has ever shown up at my doorstep.

“Hey fool, she’s not coming back,” the same word that keeps ringing in my head.

I know what I need to do, but the challenge is how I am going to do it. I’m unable to forget her and move on. She’s stolen my heart and is occupying my mind.

All I know is that I can’t erase her bruises from my mind.

I see many strangers who’re frequent visitors to the place she and I met.

Maybe one day, she might be the one standing amongst the crowds with her embracing open arms and who says, “My darling love, I’m coming back to you.”

Her return is the only beaconing hope that’s keeping my broken heart dancing.

Midnightink 6-11-2020

I'm not great at privacy settings; it comes mainly from my mental insistence that nobody really f 'in cares about my personal life amongst the billions out there on the Internet. I'm just a blip on a data sheet somewhere unless I screw up and go viral (which I do work really hard at avoiding).

Therefore Google knows all about me. It knows what I read, what I listen to, what I buy, what I watch, etc. I'm not debating the idiocy of this right now, I just need to explain it before I get to my point.

Having built up its own database of my personal habits Google makes recommendations for me. Usually these include ads for a plethora of geeky objects or Kickstarter campaigns, and I admit it does a pretty good job of picking shiny useless items I neither need nor can help being drawn to anyway.

However the most fun times I have are hitting the "autoplay" button on Youtube and just letting the rabbit hole pull me along.

One day I did this and ended up somehow on a mashup of Lady Gaga/Beyonce's "Telephone" and Alestorm's "Magnetic North", lovingly titled "Magnetic Telephone." You probably recognize at least half of this extremely odd duet. The other half I can only succinctly describe as pirate beard folk metal.

I ended up fascinated by the song as well as curious as to how Google had selected it for me. What on earth would possess it to decide I needed a diva-laden ocean shanty?

That's when it hit me.

...

Google thinks I'm a gay pirate.

And then suddenly everything just felt right. No, I'm not actually a gay pirate by any means; but the phrase conjures up Robert De Niro's character in Stardust and by gods how could you not want Captain Shakespeare as your online spirit guide??

When I started looking at my other recommendations with this new framework it all came together. Absolutely yes - a gay sky pirate (adding "sky" now, in homage to Captain Shakespeare) would need these things in their life!

Things got a bit silly after that. I started thinking before I clicked on links, asking myself, "Would a fabulous gentleman of fortune deem this worthy of their time?" If the answer wasn't a resounding "huzzah!" then nope, I wouldn't proceed.

It's been a few years since this event happened, and I'm not sure whether the AI still feels this is the best summation of my online personality or not.

Either way, I will always hold a place in my heart for this, my true spirit algorithm.

... and you won’t see it coming.

You thought you were smart,

but you aren’t.

You believed yourself untouchable,

but you aren’t.

You have used and abused too many people,

but no longer.

No ... no longer will you feed

off all those who trusted you.

Come day or night,

you won’t see it coming.

But I will.