I love you. It’s not a pretty or perfect love. Or not even necessarily a romantic love. It doesn’t look cool. It’s more like two things in the wild, and one says, “I’ll protect you.” And both parties know it’s a lie because there’s no way either of them can protect the other from anything. That lie is the best way to describe this love. That feeling of not having to say, “I’m scared.”, because you share the exact same feelings without having words over or under complicate it, that’s worth more than that protection. It’s a connection. The less alone. This is all we look for on Earth.

Breath....breath.........................breath

I’ve been the rich kid. I’ve been the one people made fun of. Bullying. I hated it. So I said fuck it. I bought my “friends.” I could. I was the rich one. I would never say it to them, but they were never my friends. They would wait until I drank myself to drunk was due to depression from and ex girl and buy them shit. I bought it because I had the money. They were around because I had the money. But me being here now, in this house, I’m alone. They didn’t die with me. I wish I would’ve been able to actually have friends. Because they were never my friends. And we all knew it. Money just made us hang out. We threw so many parties just because we could afford it-no. I could afford it and they could do whatever they wanted free. I wonder if they will care about me other than the fact that there will be nothing left at that house after I’m gone. I’ll never know.

Love hasn’t been simple. Naomi. The last I loved. But it wasn’t a pretty or romantic love. It didn’t look cool. It was like two things out in the wild and one said “I’ll protect you” but both parties knew that was a lie. The kind of love where we never had to use words because it would over or under complicate things. The love where we felt less alone. A connection. A connection far better than any protection. It’s what everyone on earth wants. A place to go with someone. That connection. That kind of love. Knowing that we had that kind of love, I’m trying to figure out if she will be sad or depressed when I’m gone. I’ll never know.

Before being where I’m at now, shot, laying on the floor, I remember that I don’t know who I am or what I am anymore. I’m young. I’m 28. I haven’t hit 30 yet. I realize I’ll never be able to find myself. Find out what I’m here for. None of us should be here is the only conclusion I’ve come up with. I read once that the odds of a human existing is if everyone in San Diego rolled a trillion sided die and got the same number. That’s our chance of existing. None of us should be here if that’s our chance. I’ll never know why every person in San Diego rolled that trillion sided die and got the same number for me.

I watched a show once. The last episode when everyone was leaving each other and saying good bye, one said, “I wish you knew you were in the good old days before you left them.” Something along those lines. I’ll never know what the good old days ever were. I never lived them. I never had good old days to love. Damn

September 19, 2042

Day 1,

I remember in my history class when back in the 1800's, we had a Civil War over slavery. Now, we have a Civil War over I don't even know. I'm 16 years old in my orphanage. Been here since I was 12. Parents died in a car crash. I was still basically an orphan then I guess. They were drug addicts. Herzog. A drug that will make you addicted if you do it once. Mix of heroin, opium, and ecstasy. Crazy high apparently.

Anyway, the name is Don. If you have this journal or diary or whatever the fuck it is, it means I'm either captured or dead. You'll have to stick around to see which one.

Here is the background. Shit got fucked and now they have taken current technology and put it all toward military. Literally, it's 2042 now, people estimate that the military has technology that would lead them into 2056. The public all over the states has the technology of fucking stoves and shit. Phones, tv, all that is gone except for radio. Fuck.

The orphanage is filled with about maybe 15 kids now. Us kids that weren't here when the shells hit...we made it. The rest didn't. My best friend died that day. I never cried though. We cleaned out the stuff and I found a lot of blank books. This isn't actually Day 1 for me...it's Day 1 for you. I'm going to be brief over the events that happened up to this point.

Basically the US decided to have another Civil War, called Civil War II. They drafted as young as 16 for boys and 18 for girls. To currently am living on the southeast side of the US. This war is between the East Coast and West Coast. I can't remember what they are fighting over. I'm too busy trying to fight to live. We have traders that come around towns and trade stuff like medicine, food, all that stuff for other stuff. I secretly stole a gun from a trader. I'm a pick pocket.

I remember when I first came to the orphanage and no one liked me. I found a deck of cards and started doing magic tricks. It was fun for all of us. The kids had some entertainment and stuff. But those days are gone now. We all grew up and developed. That's basically the story for how I got here. Now I guess I'm going to take you through today.

I woke up this morning. Since the shelling, we had to sleep on the floor with blankets. I checked under my pillow to make sure my gun was safe. It was. I got up early all of the time. So I had to wait for out foster mother to come in and actually get everyone up. We all went down to the kitchen where there were bowls of oatmeal out for us. Kids complained. The foster mother explained it as "This is what we're going to have for a long time because of this war. If you have a problem with it, we will throw you out and save our food." The kid shut up and ate the oatmeal. I had no problem with it. I love oatmeal. After breakfast, we all had to clean the shelling damage. We were partnered up. I was partnered with this girl named Allie. She didn't like me for some reason, when she came over to me, I stopped her.

"Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it." I told her. Before she could say anything else, I left and I started cleaning. That's where I found the black books. I took them and held on to them. At around 11, the trader came about. Our foster mom traded her old jewelry and two first aid kits for a lot of food. We didn't need to worry about the first aid kits. We had a lot since we were an orphanage. Oh foster father worked at the hospital. He was keeping guard there. Thieves were breaking into places and taking stuff. I couldn't blame them. They need stuff too.

After the trader left, we were to keep cleaning. I finished a two person job by myself before everyone else was done. I sat in one of the chairs I cleaned. I looked at everyone else. They were complaining and cleaning. The foster mother came over to me.

"You done, Don?"

"Yeah."

"Nice. You can go back to your room. You'll get extra food for being done first."

"No. I can't. We don't have that luxury anymore. Everyone needs as much food as they can have. I can't take extra."

"Alright. I get it. But you can go back."

"Alright, thanks."

I went back in and Allie followed because she was my "partner". I went in and I put the blank books beside my pallet. Allie looked at me the whole time.

"You need something, Allie?"

"How are you so cold hearted?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your best friend died three days ago, and you're just...doing stuff like it never happened?"

"What does it matter to you? You fucked around and broke his heart. Don't act like you have feelings for him now. You guys were together before I came here. When I got here and he actually found a friend, you hated us both for it. I still don't know what I did, but I know what you did to him. Don't act like you care."

"I do."

"Get out of here. You don't get to judge me and hate me, but I can't stop you from it. Never have been able to, never will be able to."

"Donny--"

"No. I don't want to hear it."

"How could you not cry, get mad, something. Everyone cried except for the person who meant the most to him and vice versa."

"Allie, if you must know, it's because men don't cry. He's gone. I can't cry him back to life. And I damn sure don't need you in here trying to tell me what's what. You fucked yalls relationship up."

"You partook in the situ--"

"There was a reason we were still friends afterward Allie. Because you partook. I was raped."

"Rape doesn't exist for men."

"Get out of here. God, I knew you were a bitch, but not a fucking retard. Rape exist for men. What you did to me, was rape. Believe it or not, I was actually fucked up about it. It might not seem like a big deal to you, but if I did it to you, you'd understand."

Allie stayed silent. She knew I was right. My best friend, Porter, used to date Allie before I came around. When I came around, me and Porter hit it off. We hung out and stuff. He showed a bit less attention to Allie. So what she did to try and keep us apart was that she was going to rape me and say I had sex with her. Keep in mind, at this point in time, were 13. Well, she slipped me drugs and I was out like a light. She kidnapped me from me and Porter's room and took me outside. Little did she know, Porter was dehydrated that particular night and needed water. He went to get up and to see if I wanted anything, and I was gone. He looked around and then out of the corner of his eye, he saw us out of a window. She was on top of me. Riding me. He was about to come kill me, but when he went outside, he heard her talking and moaning while she was riding me. She said something along the lines of,

"Porter will definitely drop you now after I'm done with you. God, ruffies work like a charm on men."

Something like that. He threw her off of me and looked at me. I was passed out. He dressed me properly and took me back inside. Porter was mad with life. He was crying. He never slept that night. He waited for me to wake up and told me what happened. I was shook. I didn't leave my bed for 2 days. Allie never got in trouble. Me and Porter were closer.

The day Porter died, three days ago, was that he was here when the shelling happened. I was out looking for stuff. Allie was out too. Different group. Porter was doing chores in the house. I heard it. Everyone else ran back. I walked. I saw it all. I saw Porter's body. Allie cried on him. I pushed her off of him and I took Porter to the back playing area. I stole a shovel and I dug him a grave and buried him. I left the shovel there and I went to bed.

That was three days ago. Allie was in here now wondering why I never cried. After I told her off, I thought she left. She didn't. She came up and hugged me from behind.

"I'm so sorry Donny. I was jealous and, and I was just a mess."

"Get away from me Allie. You aren't welcomed here."

"Okay."

She let me go and walked away crying. Someone was standing there. They came up behind me and hugged me.

"Allie, let me go."

"I'm not Allie, Donny."

It was Kaitlyn. A girl I knew. We were somewhat friends. We talked to each other. Hung out sometimes.

"Kaitlyn? What are you doing here?"

"I came to look for you. Then I heard you yelling at Allie and...I'm so sorry about what she did to you."

"It's whatever."

"No it's not, Donny. Men or woman, nothing like that should happen to anyone."

"Look, it's fine. I still consider myself a virgin because I didn't remember it. So it's good."

"How can you make things seem less of a problem than they are?"

"I don't know."

"We're friends, right?"

"Of course. You're my only friend. But right now, I need to think and be by myself. Not to be blunt but, can you leave?"

"Yeah."

She let me go and I sat on the ground. She was about to walk away, but she leaned down and kissed my cheek. I looked at her. She smiled and waved. I felt my cheek. I felt something inside of me chest. I didn't know what it was, but it was impossible to ignore. I preoccupied myself with reading.

The day went along boring. The kids came into the room. Kaitlyn sat diagonal to me and she kept giving me glances. We had our dinner and after that, we went to our beds. I lied down and looked at the ceiling. I couldn't sleep. I looked next to me. I grabbed one of the books and found a pen and I turned the first page. I wrote

September 19, 2042

Day 1,

...

Tell em what it is, I'm takin' great strides

Hood niggas, hipsters, I ain't trying to take sides

Ex-Girlfriend on my mind, she really fucked me up

Doing shots of whiskey 'till my friends are saying that's enough

I really really miss her, sometimes I wanna fuck it all

Mix some warm Guinness with 20 tablets of Tylenol

Call em while I'm drifting off, tell her that I love her so

Parents crying harder cause I didn't even leave a note

Saying that I'm selfish and I'm sorry that I left

But it hurts so much to wake up and I left you guys a check

Cause I ain't fucking happy, you don't know shit about me

I think it started when she said she happier without me

I really can't blame her cause I'm happier without me

I don't see what girls are seeing when they say their all about me

I'm scared they wanna trap me, these all hoes are all liars

I double bag my shit and never cum while I'm inside her

I used to be a sweet dude, now I'm so angry

Look at what these girls and these fake niggas made me

Cry when I'm writing, I don't really know why

I think it's cause I can't really see myself an old guy

And that scares me, I wanna be around a while

But I feel my purpose goes beyond having raised a child

Bright lights, they tend to burn out fast

So I shine bright, But I'm scared that it won't last

Life is really a joke. Think about it. One you're born, your death clock starts ticking. You're dying when you're living. People in life. Those people will die. The people you love and the people you don't. They will die. You will never know when or how. More on people. They treat other people like shit and don't care about many other people's well being. I care about people. You never know what people go through. My mom, is a white Woman who runs a business seen for the black community. She right now owns a beauty and barber shop. We're doing alright for ourselves kinda. We've just peaked super low middle class. My mom was at rock bottom at one point in her life. Straight up, she was beaten, raped, poor her whole life. My mom was pregnant with me at 15. Guess how old my dad was? 35. My mom is now 32. My dad is 52. I've never met him. He was a crack addict and fucked up my moms life. My mom got away from it. Now she's done something. Life doesn't care about you. Surprisingly it is technically fair if it's unfair to everyone. I do know that. But people will fuck up your feelings, play with your heart, and not care. I used to weigh 210. I was 14. I was picked on and bullied a lot. Right now at 15, 145. I only have one body. So I decided to get it together. But that doesn't change people's minds about you. Once you make a mistake, people will hold you on that. No matter what. That's how the prison system works. Once you fuck up, shit gets bad to worse. People will waste their one life. Life isn't a Nintendo game. You don't get a 1 Up. You get this life and that's it. Life is something we have to make for ourself. We wanna be something big, gotta do it. Got plans? Go through with it. Life is a joke, but it's a joke you get to tell. My plan is to be happy and successful with what I wanna do in life. We ain't gonna be around for ever, so fuck it. Don't love everyday as your last, but live it as you don't know if you'll be alive tomorrow. Be reasonable with the things you do in life. Accept change in life because life will always change. We have to keep up at life's pace. But during your life, make something of yourself. Life is the joke, make your life the most successful one. That's my plan. To live the best joke ever. But a joke I like.

(This is probably all over the place, but in all realness, life is a joke and we have to go with it and turn it into a joke that we wanna live. The joke is on us. Do what you want with life, you don't have to take advice from me, but live the life you personally wanna live. It's yours and you only get one. Most people die at 25 because they never live the rest of their life. When people get on their death bed, most people regret not living the life and making the most of it. Live the life you won't regret. That's my life lesson so far. Live it and love it. )

•The year is 2017...in space, "The Watchers" watch over the Earth

•2036, "The Watchers" conclude that the Earth will be extinct before 2175. The discuss Earth's fate

•Through the times, war was raised between China and The US because of the US's selfishness. The US was alone in this war as most countries that were involved sided with China. The US bombed all of China to prove a point. When China was bombed, water was contaminated there and started to spread throughout a lot countries water supply. Because of this, Japan sent spies over to the US to contaminate the Great Lakes. Eventually, they went to fast food factories and contaminated popular fast food chains. Little by little, poison was killing us off. Population numbers went back and forth.

•2136, NASA discovers Earth's demise in 14 years. Chaos is across the Earth. The population numbers started dropping fast. "The Watchers" discuss the Earth's fate.

•2137, "The Watchers" decide to send Earth a signal for communication with them. NASA receives it and takes it to all World leaders to come up with a plan.

•2140. 10 years left till extinction. The Earth finally is able to send a response to "The Watchers". "The Watchers" receive it. The plan was to go down and speak with Earth's leaders.

•2141. "The Watchers" are seen for the first time. They look like humans, but have enhanced thinking and superhuman like abilities. They come up with a plan to take the remaining humans from Earth to a better place where it's livable.

•2147. Population numbers have dropped tremendously. The plan is finally complete. With some technology from NASA and "The Watchers", they created an exoplanet made from glass and metal. They have trees growing, thick glass to keep sunlight from burning the surface. The core of the exoplanet is also heated to that way in the event of sunlight getting messed with, they will still have heat and oxygen. Oxygen also filters throughout the world.

•2149. The Earth is dying. 400 million people in Earth left. They had to evacuate people early on the exoplanet so they could save as many people as possible. Most people were saved. The Earth is now destroyed.

That's all I have so far

He died in a car crash. He was 24. He was the only one to die. The car flipped over and when his head smashed the concrete...let's just say it can't be open casket. At the funeral...there was no funeral. Only The Boy's parents were there. Why was no one there? Look in his contacts on his phone and he has over 500 people in it. So what changed when this boy died? Nothing changed, it was just life playing him, like it plays everyone else. His "friends" weren't his friends. No matter what The Boy did, he could never please those people. They didn't care, why would they? One of the saddest truths of the world is no one in this bitch cares. That goes for everyone. It did for him.

Sleep.

Laying on a bed. Asleep. Covers to my chin. Body turned on my left side. "Moonlight in Atlanta" by Russ plays on my phone while it charges. Helps me sleep at night. Sleeping problems. Colors. Blue, purple, red, orange, dark purple, apricot, blood red, grapefruit color...what the fuck? Static...I think. The actual fuck is that sound? I open my eyes. Cold. No bed anymore. Just dirt. I look up. Rings. Saturn? Is that Saturn's noise? I close my eyes and reopen. Literally in the blink of an eye, everything changed. Burj Khalifa. Stargazing. I feel weird. It's night. Every light, star, phone screen seems to be brighter. My lungs burn. I smell...weed. In between my lips, swisher sweet tropical flavor blunt. I look up and I start floating. I inhale and blow through my nose. Dubai looked amazing at night. I took another hit. I saw a portal to a galaxy through the roof of the Burj Khalifa. Whoa. I gently floated down into it. I took another hit. When I blew out the smoke, I saw headphones. My beats. Cool. I grabbed them. They turned to ash in my hands. I looked down at the portal. Space. Again. Next thing I know, I was sucked inside super fast. I took another hit...black hole. Everything was going toward it. Even me. I was pulled too it. It wasn't a disk, but a ball of darkness and gravity and energy. Nothing could escape. Not even light. I felt no pain. I heard it hurts but I'd die anyway. No death though. Just surprisingly...light? What? For a second I was being sucked inside of something. Now I'm being...pushed out? What? I felt like I was falling. Like, imagine going down a big drop on a roller coaster...now multiply that by 1000. I was going too damn fast. Just falling...then I was finally through. I looked back. Not a disk, but a ball of white. Spitting everything the black hole took. A white hole. I looked in front of me. Bright colors. Like, the Northern Lights had parents. They were everywhere. I wished my friends could be their. A tap on my shoulder. I turn. My best friends. All there. What? I'm so happy. These were my people. Handshakes to all of them. My girlfriend...she's there too. We kiss. Sweet kiss. Thank you. I realize...I'm my own God. My thought from my girlfriend to this realization is bizarre. I run my world. My dream. I can make my own reality. I make the rules. Life has shown me well. This journey has brought me to a new world. Where I realize I am me and I can do everything or nothing. I feel no blood through my veins, no heart pump, just the thoughts of my brain. I am not God...I am my own person. My own God. My own chooser in life. I blink. Nothingness. "Moonlight in Atlanta" continues playing. I sit up in my bed. I open my eyes. I am my own God. I opened up a portal to see who I am. New found inspiration hit me that night. Who dares to step to me and try to stop me from achieving. No, I can't smite anyone, but I can make sure they don't come to make things hard for me. I can only smite myself. That's the worst part about being your own God. No one can stop you but you. Everything else is a speed bump anyone an drive over. I rest my head again.

Sleep.

The heart speaks what the tongue is afraid to

If that's the case, then what does a broken heart have to say?

Seems like you gotta experience heartbreak in order to fully understand...

This one's for you..

Let's take a walk, I was amazed at the start

While I'm here raising the bar, I fucking gave you my heart

The one I wanted to cuff but you made everything tough

No matter how much I gave it just was never enough

My diamond in the rough was just Cubic Zirconium

You fronted like you were made by Professor Utonium

Sugar, Spice, and everything nice. Right?

Its just some bullshit cause you ignited all our fights

I'd tell you let me in, but you acted distant

That action I ain't missing

My reaction I was different

The truth is I don't care at all

I would stare and watch you fall

Cause you didn't care at all despite the passion I had given

Lies

Like you never learned what honest is

Like pushing me away was your prerogative

But I loved you, I would shrug and tolerate it

But you got comfortable and felt like I was obligated

To fight for what we had despite the distances

Why you didn't try? That's just one of our differences

Understand a broken heart speaks viciousness

Scream in the moment that shatter to all listening

All listeners, I had urk at the hint of her

Yes world I'm speaking of one girl in particular

Not dropping names I ain't trying to get upset

She's lucky, I even made her dumbass a subject

UGH, gash on my chest with a stitch

Never called her out a name when she acted like a bitch

Always forgave even when it really mattered

Cause she was mine and it was part of my character

To her it didn't matter bruh

That's why I had enough

Had it up to the neck and I know that I'm man enough

To move on, Live the dream and get on T.V

Life being easy everyone will see me

You and your girls talking blaza-blah

Fuck you and all your friends like ménage à trois

Cause I know once I make it with a girl way above you

You'll hate yourself because you'll realized how I loved you

To late, I'll be so far gone

You'll have to pay a lot for shipping for a hint of what I'm on

You know you fucked up and lucked out

Now when I pop up you always duck down

Cause you know that I thought you were special

I would get a headache when motherfuckers would stress you

I would be the one wiping tears off your face

I would be there for you anytime any place

He that would cherish the heart inside your chest

He that would love 'til your very last breath

Better than your ex, Wouldn't be your next

Cause all these other niggas just wanna have sex

But NO

Despite how for you I would ride

You saw that shit was fitting if you tossed me aside

So I slide

See, that's life in its true shit

Just know that I'm done and on some new shit

Steeze to the maximum. Groupies holla hello

Time that I show you exactly what you let go

Of

Ugh, I don't think you understand what you did was fucking stupid

You won't find a better man

I'd be fucking damned if I let you fuck with my plans

And to think that I thought that you were the best that I ever had

Now I'm stunting at the head of the pack

And there ain't a possibility of getting me back

STUPID

(Her, prequel to Lovely Nostalgia, You, sequel to Lovely Nostalgia)