There's nothing more painful than watching someone you love suffer. What can you do

to make it better ? You stand there looking at your loved one in that hospital bed. You try to put up a brave front. After all, one needs to be careful about letting emotions of

sadness and frustration come out in front of the loved one. Your loved one has enough

on his or her mind. Hold back those tears. Excuse yourself momentarily if you must so you can wipe your eyes and pull yourself together.

You start to remember times when your loved one was up and alive and happy. It's good

to have those memories. They may be the very thing that holds you together if the outcome does not end well.

The dear one who lay there suffering is an important person in your life. More than anything you want that relationship again. You are not ready to see it fade away. So, you

stay there, and try to give a reassuring smile, a soft touch to brush a stray hair out of their eyes and a gentle kiss on the forehead. You say softly, " I love you" while you are silently

saying a prayer. When you leave the bedside and go out of the room the pain is allowed

to surface with full force. This is not going to be easy.

There's nothing more painful than the moment you realize you're numb.

When the stranger on the street calls you a fat freak and it doesn't even make you bat an eye.

When your grades fall lower than they ever have before...where once you would have thought the world was ending you now shrug and toss the test in the trash with the rest.

When the person you had just finally begun to open up to reminds you why you were so closed off to begin with and instead of shedding a tear you delete their number without a second thought.

The moment that started it all, however, was when you sat there watching the blood swirl down the drain, the sting on your flesh still fresh, and you felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.

So here I sit and tell you that feeling pain is a gift as I write this with an echoing numbess in my chest.

step one: create an atmospheric barrier between yourself and others, fill it with auric spikes, like the black fence encirling the haunted house nobody wants to go near. become the whispering voice in the hallways, become the creak in the staircase, and sink into it.

step two: disengage the emotional counterpart in yourself, be the intellect or be nothing. be air, undisturbed. when they walk through you, only be still.

step three: do not be tempted by the scattered sweets they drop behind them to reel you into their cage, do not eat what they give you, do not be hungry for anything, do not crave nourishment where it cannot be found.

step four: do not fuss about your hair, your skin, that machine you are in. exist simply and softly, do not turn on the lights in the morning if you don't have to, do not speak, and that is important. though they will dare you, do not ever speak, for they know your replies and have only fire to stuff back into your throat.

We all dread it.

We all love it.

It’s the day we do it.

The day that we admit

to our crush,

that we

like

them.

They either bounce back,

with I like you too,

or they stab back,

with I’m sorry but I don’t feel the same way.

Luckily,

It was one of them.

Now the question is,

can you guess which?

-N.J.

I’m going to manufacture some happiness today,

when the sun is too loud, the people too suckingly sad.

My heating beating heart will drown it all out

in a yellow kind of wonder.

I’ll writher tonight in my heart’s expectations,

drowning in dreamy smiles, cooled in silky sheets

produced by

the imagination of yours truly.

I’ll be my own best friend today,

my thoughts detaching from my person,

to form a faceless fearless confident.

Today, again, I’ll love myself,

the love I try to share has come hurtling back,

through the dirty night air towards my unarmored chest.

I get smacked with it, hard, and my feet lift off the grass,

the backwards motion thrusting me into the embracing ground.

It’s an old story,

to love someone who doesn’t love you back.

An unoriginal story for an unoriginal person,

who has to love them-self again

tonight.

I tried to forgive

I tried to love you without cautions

took down the tape

see I stopped acting like I am not a crime scene

I took off the bullet proof chest

and gave you the gun

took it off safety

cause we argeed we could trust each other not to hurt each other

get to close , we pull the rope tighter around each other

neck , were a see-saw

we run through the highs and lows

picking apart

old wounds

creating scars

we been through hell

but the burns are still hot

old self vanished

cut the thorns off this rose

cause I hate the sight of blood

see I tried to let of go the past

but it keep chasing us

I tried to forgive myself

you say , the past doesn’t matter

I try to tell you boy I am crazy as the mad hatter

your the one who handed me a gun , expect me to not to aim

sometimes the greatest enemy is ourself

I could take theese nails , and carve out my brains

and you would still love me

see we stuck in these four walls

caving into us

trying to break us apart

the world’s weight hovering over our shoulders

sometimes it feel like , the universe telling us

we ain’t mean to be

Man down

wouldn’t find another

won’t let you suffer

see I feel your heart flutter

lights off

lights on

making love

cause that’s the only we can do to turn down theese demons

we got all these obstacles

I put that weight in your heart

I tear your room apart

flip your world inside and out

walk upside down

just to reach you

walk across water

ain’t even close to jesus

you walk through hell

to be next to me

you love me , even though it hurts you

see if the past

didn’t come creep up on us

we could be happy

we too demons madly in love

we fell from earth

we ain’t holy enough to rest in heaven

see we found solace in the discomfort of pain

they say to let this go

they say we chasing infinty

maybe we got that forever love

ripped out my heart

tried to use my heartless

then you go again

perform cpr

until I come back to you

moan into your mouth

and parched lips

gulping your air

merged into you

became unmoveable in your mountains

go ahead and hurted you

start playing with the trigger

cause the voice’s got too loud

I know when I hurt me , I hurt you

Man down , I tried to stop the bleeding

and my hands kept figdeting around the hole

those blue eyes could swallow oceans

see these brown eyes are darker enough to bury souls

forgive my temper

I cock this gun so quick

my mind armed like a soilder

I got to protect the only thing left human in me

held me under

the atmosphere

love sounds really good

but they forget to mention

it is the only thing close’s to death

maybe were afraid of dying

by the hand of each other

we circle around each other

like were in battle

see we know cupid

got us fucked up

man down

we too late

from stopping the damage

we ain’t happy

we will keep eating paint chips

until we drink each other

fill each other memories

with the taste of us

cause even the darkest hour

the truth shudders

through the walls

we in this too deep

see we grew into a tree

fighting for oxygen

trying to let this heart stay open for you

holding out for us

we working through this bullshit

but this foundation of ours

is cracking under all theese hits

see we built a world

where the sun don’t shine

cause according to god

even good people

sin

and the evil men win

see we stiched smiles to are face

and we keep saying we okay

and yelling at each other

saying we need space

we keep leaving the door open just in case

see all we ever do is chase

each other

laugh it off

like the

only reason

I care

cause your like a brother

but you know after you there can’t be another

see I treat you like you was mine own

cheer you on like I am your mother

see I replay theese messages on my phone

I know we better off on our own

deep down

we out here acting like a clown

wearing a frown

we our are not afraid to drown

see we not afraid of being alone

see we are afraid of what happens

when we grown

will we get old

and forget about the stories we told

and the sercerts we kept .......,

see I could tell you the truth , but I rather stay on this throne

and not crack this crown

sincerly , Tyla

I said to her,

“Don’t you dare give up

Hold on

Just a little longer

And if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me

I need you more than you will ever know

Stay

You are worth it

You are worth everything

Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise

You’re perfect just the way you are

They just don’t want you to know that

I will do anything to make your life better

I love you.”