Dawn's light came creeping across my quilt in warm beams, yet I resisted its coax to open my eyes. With a heavy sigh, I contemptuously yanked my pillow from beneath my head and slapped it across my face. My body wriggled down further into my blankets. Eventually, it was the aroma of Hannah's simmering applesauce, combined with the hoot of a tea kettle, that drew me from the haven of my bed.

Downstairs, the house seemed insensitively cheery. At my appearance, Hannah smiled and ladled applesauce into a bowl for me, adding a small pat of butter and an extra sprinkle of cinnamon on top the way she knew I liked it, and set the bowl at my place at the table while muttering about the state of my tangled hair. Marmee sat with a pleasant expression at the end of the table penning letters, her hand moving in graceful, unhurried strokes across the middle of a page. Beth and Amy lounged across from each other on the front window seat, outlined in the hazy glow that poured in through the window, sipping tea and murmuring to one another about an incident that had happened the week before at Amy's school. The rumple of frustration already in my spirit was further offended by everyone's blissful oblivion. I took up my dish of applesauce, clattering my spoon crossly against the side of my bowl, and headed toward the side door without a word of greeting to anyone.

"I'm taking my breakfast out onto the hills," I called hastily over my shoulder before anyone could object, and purposely allowed the door to slam behind me so I could have the satisfaction of its bang.

It was a fine day, fair golden sunlight shining through the morning fog upon the green grass like a painting. I looked at it, and tears blurred the scene. As I headed toward the spot of yesterday's fateful meeting with Laurie, a breeze lifted my tousled hair, and I felt compelled to scoop up the hem of my dress with my free hand and run full speed into the face of the wind. It whipped into my face, purging me, drying my eyes, and flung my hair and skirts streaming behind me until I arrived panting at the top of the hill. Onto the grass I dropped, and sat staring into my bowl of applesauce.

In my mind rang the greeting that had met me at this spot yesterday. "Where's the Jew's-harp, Jo?*" Laurie had called out to me jauntily then. I lifted my head now to look in the direction from which he had come the morning before, recalling the figure's dark mop of curls and eager, almost feverishly hopeful expression.

'I love you,' I thought wildly now. 'I love you, I love you, I love you, and you shall never, ever know it!' A wet cry choked out of me, and then I doubled over toward the vibrant grass, a hunched puddle of linen and wool and windswept hair, and my fists pounded the ground as untold longing racketed my body. I would never belong to that slender dark-headed figure whose swinging gait and cajoling voice were as familiar to me as my own skin, and nearly as integral. For the last time, Laurie had met me with open arms, clear eyes and and an all-encompassing invitation into his heart and soul and future. Yesterday, we'd been two halves that made a whole, and today, the hillside and sky with all their space and color were not large enough to hold the void I felt.

"I've loved you ever since I've known you, Jo, couldn't help it!*" Laurie had declared earnestly to me at this very spot the day before, and my mind had replied silently, 'So have we! We both! Amy and me! She couldn't help it any more than I could! But I cannot say so! Do not drive me to it!' Laurie had wept, had later buried his head of curls vehemently in his arms atop that mossy fencepost down the hill that I could see now from today's perch, and had stormed piteously, "I can't love anyone else, and I'll never forget you, Jo!*" and I'd steeled myself into the role of consoler, entreating, "You'll get over this after awhile, and find some lovely accomplished girl, who will adore you, and make a fine mistress for your fine house. I shouldn't. You'd be ashamed of me, and we should quarrel...*" In the privacy of my mind I'd finished my thoughts, somewhat bitterly, but with steadfast resolve, 'Amy! It will be Amy! Amy will make you a fine wife. She loves you! She's not like me, she'd never vex you, and she could not bear to lose you, and so it must be Amy. It must be Amy for you, and not me.'

At the last, after begging and pleading with him, I'd allowed myself to tell Laurie one final truth: that I didn't expect to ever marry. Indignant, he'd argued with this, too, desperate to change my mind, eyes accusatory and ablaze with disappointment. I could still hear his hurt voice in my mind, assuring me, "There'll come a time when you will care for somebody, and you'll love him tremendously, and live and die for him, and I shall have to stand by and see it.*" I had nearly grabbed him by the shoulders, had longed to shout fiercely into his face, 'You are seeing it! You're right! You know me well. And I'm living and dying for you now. I love you, I love you...'

But I could not. Because my sister, my golden-haired, lofty-minded, dainty-fingered artist of a younger sister, loved him, too.

Swallowing the last of my tears, I turned away now from the path leading down the hillside where we'd walked together the morning before -- away from the fence we'd sat atop side-by-side many a sunny afternoon and joked of running away to join a pirate ship -- away from the shady grove where we'd murmured secrets and echoed dreams and dashed helter-skelter racing to be the first one to his front door -- away from him. Chores beckoned me. Floors needed to be swept, and dishes dried. And I, beneath the risen sun and with all the birds of the hillside as my witnesses, determined within my spirit never again to wallow in my own sorrow over this.

*direct quotations from 'Little Women' 1868, Louisa May Alcott

He is what always was,

and that's most of what I know.

Not only beautiful, but Beauty itself.

He's not only good...He is Goodness.

Some argue that truth is relative...

That what's true to me needn't be true to you.

Him you met, you'd know that's false.

He is the Truth.

And He is Love, and Unity, and the giver of life...

My Hero, my Savior...

My Lord and my God...

A servant, and yet, a King!

I love Him and I long for Him...

But so much moreso He loves me,

and so much moreso He longs for me,

and with that same endless passion He feels for you,

and loves you and longs for you to turn to Him.

And He would do anything to have you.

Anything to have me.

He would suffer, or struggle, or sacrifice, to save.

And He did.

If that's not Love,

what is?

For centuries sailors have heard voices in the crashing of waves and the rumble of deep ocean swells. They claim the voices belonged to the ghosts of those lost at sea, reaching out to their loved ones and trying to find their way home, or to sirens, whose haunting songs beckon mariners to a watery grave. Niall had lived a lifetime on the sea and knew this to be nothing more than nonsense and superstition. After all, ghosts can’t speak, and there’s no such thing as sirens. And if you hear the voices in the waves (may God have mercy upon you) you can know they come from something far more dangerous and dreadful than monsters or men.

i. I was astray for a long, long time, in the coolness of the night, constantly encircling

nothingness and the void. The night seemed to never end; it was like I would never see the sunlight again. It was dark you couldn’t ever distinguish if your eyes were closed or not, all you would ever see are shadows, and all you would ever grasp of were the strong, howling wind, and the muffled, rumbled sounds that one couldn’t understand, and they made me impaired of hearing.

ii. Shadows were everywhere, and I myself became one, like the dreary shadows I had once met. I didn't creep out of the squalid state of mine for I made myself settle with the gloom that I barely even knew. Even my own reflection left me. I shivered from the wintry place I was in, seeking for help. I even waited for the sound of a voice to be recognized. . . Or did I ever look for a helping hand? I never did; I settled in a filthy place unfamiliar to me, let alone linger in a place I should never be in.

iii. I was wrapped in garments, overdressed for the weather even, but I felt unclothed. I believed that my destiny was in a freezing place that I never knew existed. I became a wanderer filled with an insatiable, unknown void inside the chest, that I thought was indeed a future meant for me.

iv. Deep inside the roots of my soul, I longed for the warmth of the fire and the heat of the day. I aimlessly walked until I went to a place called nowhere, and became a shadow, for I drifted away from a place that is for me. I wandered away from... Home.

v. Having no idea of what was real or not anymore, I had certainly guessed I was going to settle with darkness. I would stick to my idea of living, and that was living in the shadows. I was beaten and bruised by my past, and have gotten used to it, immune to the pain. In the back of my mind, I thought, was there hope for all of these?

vi. In the far side of the wintry place, there seemed to be a well-lit house, its light in the shade of amber. The window panes and its stools were shut, accumulating mounds of snow, but the light from the inside of the house was recognizable because of a clear little portion in its glasses, which thoroughly radiated its luster. As my feet continuously buried themselves in the icy field, I didn’t know why my heart felt drawn to that house. I kept walking. It resonated deep within me. I did feel cozy and welcomed just by the standing of its doorsteps. Humbling to have come there, even.

vii. I never tried to knock nor open the door, because a Man who stood tall in His tunic ran to me, held me by the hand, and embraced me tightly. As He enclosed me tightly in His arms, it brought me to tears. I cried like an infant who was given milk, satiated from his deep longing and hunger. And I knew at that moment that it was my Father. Abba. He was just there watching me by the time I stood in His doorsteps, as if He knew I was coming there. Even by the time I was skulking in the dark, up until my feet journeyed on His doorstep, Abba was watching over me.

viii. “You are home again, my beloved. You are always welcome here,” said the Man. His words came to me like a warm blanket. What He said alone was enough to make me feel relevant. The conviction and calmness in His voice was sufficient to make me feel seen, heard, and known.

“I was gone and away for so long, and even turned away from You, but how did You know I’ll be coming back here in this house, and with all these?”

My voice quivered as I asked Him, shifting my sight to the food served on the table. Tea, coffee, milk, lots of luscious pastries and savory meals were put to the dining table even before I came.

One could help himself to the meal. He just smiled at me and wiped my tears away from my self- loathing.

“I prayed for you, and I knew that you’re going to come back home. You are for me, always and I am for you, and we will rejoice in your homecoming.”

It was my second time to finally bawl my eyes out again, and this time, he reached for me and hugged me again. I knelt crying, overcome by emotions, and He knelt with me. Abba was crying, too. A rush of comfort quelled through me.

“And You even know how my coffee is crafted. I like it served with bread.”

“I’ve always known you, even without you saying a word. I know what You want even before You ask.”

I couldn’t help but to bring up what was in the past, of how I lived my life without Abba. I took it to serve as a resolution of the lost years I had without Him.

“Will You forgive me despite what I’ve done? I had lived my life without You, and I became someone who—” He interrupted me with His words again, but I always like His interruption. Abba will always be Abba.

“Who you were is dead now. It’s not relevant anymore, dear; you are transformed into a new person”.

“I ask for Your forgiveness, Abba.”

“You are already forgiven.”

But what He told me changed my life forever.

“You have Me, and I have everything that you need. Beloved, nothing can separate Me from you, even death nor life. I’ve already forgotten the filthiness of your past, and made you clean from the inside out. Now that you’re here with Me, you’ll always be safe. The food served on the table is just a glimpse of the great things that I have in store for your destiny. When you have Me, you have more than enough.”

I listened with open ears to what Abba had reassured me of. I realized He unraveled me to the truth and to who I really am. I poured out my heart’s content, in reply to what He declared to me.

“Can I just stay here with You, Abba? I never want to leave here. I won’t go back to the dreary, wintry life again.” I told Abba with true repentance. As soon as He heard what I said, He nodded at me with affirmation in His eyes.

“Then I’ll provide You with a fire that will stay with you. Just never put it out. I’ll always be with you, beloved.”

Abba replied to me, as He looked at the fireplace, burning with embers. I realized He was throwing big chips of wood and barks of trees into the fire, and it continually and passionately burned.

For a moment, there was silence. But it was a quietness where you can feel peace in your heart and spirit. I am welling with gratitude in my heart to Abba again, and He just listened as I praised.

“I never could have come up with a way to express my gratitude for You have saved me from who I was, Abba. With all that I am, I thank You.”

“As long as you are here, my heart is joyful. I have found You again, like a shepherd who left the ninety-nine sheep to find the lost one.”

“How did You ever find me, Abba?”

“I never stopped praying for you. I constantly pursued and have reached out to you. I gave my life for you.”

Abba beamed at me with his precious smile, and my heart was filled with warmth again. Abba always looked at me with delight, and it made me feel that I am His, no matter what may come. Against all odds, it has always been Abba and me, I told myself.

“Beloved, that is just the proof of how much I love you.”

ix. The birds that soar high on the skies know where they permanently stay after they go into their whereabouts. They come home in their own nest to rest, to their shelter. A sea creature can’t breathe above the waters. Even itself knows that it has to be deeply inhabited in the abyss. Every creature of its own kind recognizes its own home. How much more I, a treasured possession of Abba, could ever forget that my safe retreat is only found in Him?

x. Now, I always remember what Abba did for me. What is needed to always remember the love of Abba is to have a good memory that never forgets, that never fails to recall salvation as time goes by. What we have is always rooted from the never-withholding grace and salvation of Abba. A humble and obedient heart that stays in awe of Abba is considered, as well.

xi. It seemed like an eternity to me, that restless and disquiet way to live in the bleak, frigid place. And from the renewed state of my point of view, I learned that there is something more eternal, infinite. What seemed to be the only thing to prevail forever, stays to be forever constant. It is Abba. The unconditional love of the Savior reaches out to the lost, broken, and weary, and it makes one’s life whole again. Besides other ways, there is no way to live anew but to live anew with Abba Himself.

xii. I’m never leaving Abba’s house anymore. Until the time I came back to where I belong, I finally came up with a decision to forever reside in Abba’s humble abode. I realized that I am more of myself when I live inside His home. Well, that is because I am made in Abba’s likeness.

What He does, I also do. What He thinks of, I also come to have thought of. What He feels, I feel, too. He makes me comprehend how things are supposed to be. That just shows that I am just like Him, and that I am created for Him and through Him. I am His son, and He is my Abba Father. I have my Father’s DNA.

xiii. Bringing things into a new light, I then perceived grace as a general knowledge more than a living truth. It felt like the first time to be alive, from that day of rescue. One thing I have learned and have stayed in my mind— everything about the grace and the love of Abba is extreme. When I fully comprehended the extent of His love and grace, I was overwhelmed. It made me not to ever turn back to who I was, and I disagreed with unrighteousness. Since then, I have never been the same. I never looked back nor turned my gaze on the snowy, icy-cold way of living again. My life wouldn’t stay that way forever, lurking in my old ways, said Abba. It doesn’t matter what I had done in the darkness, because ever since I’ve become a son of the Light, it has brought my life to be in step with it. When the blood of the cross was shed for me, who I had become in my former life was condemned no more. I don’t know where I would be

now, if it weren’t for Abba’s saving grace.

xiv. No greater love there is besides Yours, that completely finds all of me again. What complete joy there is to be with you. I'll stay here until eternity, to where I truly belong. I’m home, Abba.

I remember it as though it were yesterday, yet it feels as though it happened a lifetime ago. It was the lowest and darkest point in my life.

It was June 14, 2020, and I was sitting at home alone watching an online church service in the kitchen. (Which was the last thing I wanted to be doing) I had struggled with my depression for years at this point, and by now it was something I'd accepted as part of who I was and would always be. Calling me miserable was an understatement. I'd genuinely forgotten what happiness was, what it felt like to give someone an unpracticed smile. The girl I used to be was gone.

Towards the end of the service, the minister said something. Just one word that caught my attention like a blazing beacon. (Don't ask me why. It's not something I can explain, but it just happened)

The man said, "Yield."

(This is the weird part; whether you believe this actually happened is up to you) It was like a literal tidal wave of joy, peace, and light washed through me all at once. It was so overpowering I started sobbing and praying to God.

Since that night I've never been the same. God had been, and still is, kind to me. Without Him I'd likely be dead.

to the finest of my kin and / the sweetest of my daughters, / the most delightful girl this world has ever seen. / she grows, and grows, and grows, / and i cannot stop her! i cannot, for all i try to keep her young, / she grows older today, / demeter holding persephone in vain. / but i know she’ll remain as the spring is: / the brightest of smiles, the most innocent of laughs, / the most gentle of mind, the kindest of heart, / the sweetest mother to her cerberus, a fine keeper of tartarus’ plants. / oftentimes, i think: she is too good for this world, but i know, / she is brave enough to face it. / kindness unparalleled is rare these days, and this / is what makes her strong. / so as she grows, and grows, and grows, / from that girl with the golden smiles and the mochi waffles i met those months ago, / underneath fine-printed, imagery laden and language-rich ink, / into what she is today, / i wish her well. / my sweet summer child who could do no wrong: / i wish her a happy birthday.