i’m sorry
‘im sorry’ she said
‘why are you sorry? you didn-’
‘yes, i did. i didn’t choose you, i chose me.’ she looked away, too ashamed to even look at the girl in front of her.
‘what do you mean?’ the second girl started to worry, hearing the dejection in the voice of the girl she had just started to fall in love with.
‘i made a selfish choice’ she was still looking away from the foolish girl.
‘w-what?’
‘i chose your life over our short-lived happiness’ she turned her head towards the girl that she would do anything for but not looking in her eyes.
‘i don’t understand, what do you mean?’ even though she did not understand what was happening, she felt her heart clench in worry and sadness.
‘i mean, i was given a choice, us living happily ever after for the next half year before you die a horrific death in front of my eyes. or you living a full life for the next 70 years and dying peacefully, without me. i didn’t even think before i made my choice. i chose selfishly.’ she still did not look into the green eyes in front of her but she did try to memorize every feature of the girl who was falling in love with her. the slope of her nose, the shape of her round eyes, the way her curls fell around her face, the curve of her lips when she spo-
‘i still don’t understand, what did you choose?’ the curly-headed girl didn’t understand why her love had to make such a choice. however, what she did know was that she didn’t like either option.
‘oh love, i’m so sorry. i chose me, i chose me knowing that you’ll be safe for the rest of your life. i chose knowing that you’ll have a chance to be happy again, without dying right after falling in love’ she finally looked into the green eyes that she had avoided since the beginning of this conversation, conveying all of her emotions through that one look.
‘o-oh’ was all that the now broken-hearted girl could say. she was too busy trying to sort through all the emotions she was assaulted with when their eyes had connected. all the pain, hope, disappointment, and love. she did not know what to say.
‘it wasn’t a hard choice. not when i know that you can find happiness again, with somebody easier to love, who does not carry all this baggage, somebody worthy of all your love. someone who can heal all the wounds i have given you, not just by this choice but also those from my previous actions and words and those you gave yourself in your attempt to change yourself for me’ she shook her head, once again looking away from the green-eyed beauty in front of her.
’but what if i don’t want to? what if i don’t want to give you up? what if i would rather spend the next 6 months with you and then die gruesomely but at least knowing that i was with the love of my life?” she was growing desperate, not liking what she was hearing from the girl she had realized she wasn’t only falling for but already loved with all her heart.
‘it’s already too late, and i would not let that happen anyway. i care too much for you to not let you have a chance at a full life where you could fulfill all of your dreams. i know you’ll probably hate me for the choice i made but know this, i’ll always love you and be there for you, just not physically. anything you might need, i’ll provide you but you’ll never see me. i just ask you to promise me one thing’ her own heart was breaking with every word she was saying, only being able to look into the broken green eyes in front of her at the end.
‘anything, i’ll do anything for you’ those words rushed out of her mouth before she knew she was thinking them but they were the truth. the green-eyed girl would still do anything for the girl that was leaving her.
’promise me that you’ll try to be happy again. that you won’t lock yourself away for the rest of your life. that you’ll live your life, where ever it might lead you, to whomever it might lead you as long as you’re happy” she stared into those green eyes, remembering all their memories together, happy and sad. all she wished for was the happiness of the owner of those eyes.
‘i-i promise’ the girl felt that this conversation was coming to an end. she could feel it in the air but she didn’t want to believe it, she didn’t want to let it happen. at least not yet, ‘but don-’
‘i’m sorry’ she turned away from the green-eyed girl, breaking the last of both of their hearts, and walked away. forever.
How Can I Complain
Lovely shit has been happening today.
Cracked for real at lunch,
Said I wanted to go for a run.
How messed up is that.
I just couldn’t deal
With the dumb excueses
He’s been giving.
Messed me up alright,
But when doesn’t it.
Love it when they leave
After being told all.
But that seems how it works
So how can I complain.
L.A. 6.11.18
Dumb like that
Um, yeah...
So hi, yes hi.
You know what?
Actually bye
cause I don’t wanna
deal anymore.
all this is bs anyway
You don’t want me,
They don’t want me,
I don’t want me.
Nobody wants me,
so why should I stay?
Why say hi?
I could be saying goodbye.
cutting out all that toxic bs
leaving the hate behind
but no, I stay
cause use I’m dumb as fuck
I have hope
and no matter how
often it fails me
I stick with it
Cause I’m stupid like that
LA 13.9.18
#dumblikethat #feelings #why #hi #bye #whystay #stay
One Day
Is there anyone out there?
No?
That's okay,
I enjoy the solitude,
In the dark,
Where nobody and nothing except my demons can find me.
Where nobody can come to my rescue.
Because I'm not some damsel in distress,
I can save myself.
It might just take my whole life
But one day,
One day I'll see the light everybody talks about.
One day I'll defeat my demons and be happy,
Because I am strong enough on my own,
I don't need a disney hero.
One day,
I'll be my own hero.
Dead
It was another long day, sitting in this coffin. Everybody's just walking around me, not even considering the thought that something alive could be in here and they're right. There's nothing alive in here with me. I'm not even alive either. Just a rotting corpse sitting in this barrel. The rotting corpse of nobody important. Only a 13-year-old daughter both raped and killed by her own father with the help of her brother. It was my fault too. I walked in on them beating up my mother and tried to stop them. I accomplished that but when I made my first step toward them, I also signed my own death sentence. I just didn't think they would rape me alive. Wouldn't have guessed that to torture me even more, they would kill her in front of me. Then just shove me into a random coffin that sat outside a neighbor's house for the oncoming Halloween. They dumped my mother in the nearby river. And you wanna know the best part? They sold the house saying my mom and I just went ahead. They got away with it.
Father got away with murdering me and Mother. Brother did too. I bet they're even enjoying the loss of our company now. I bet they are celebrating the fact that they got rid of us. And you know what? I get it. I totally do. Who would want to have me around anyway? Nobody liked me. I had no friends. No wonder they had no hard time doing what they did to me. It's just too bad I never got the chance to say that I should have done it myself.
Do visit him, please
It was just another day on this despondent rock, nothing going even slightly amiss. David sat on the little deck-like porch, reading his favorite book about a haunted house build on a rock in the middle of a wide river. He always found it funny because the author had described the house exactly how David’s house looked like. No matter how often David read the book, he would never have any kind of profound thought about the connection between his little recluse and the haunted house in the story. He was an affable man, never to judge a book by its cover, but nobody ever visited him, so no one knew that.
David always entreated the river to give him a piece of sturdy wood. no matter how crazy it seemed, he did it as a daily routine, but he never got one. Today, as he was cooking his lunch, David heard a loud thump reverberate through the rock and into his house. It was so loud, he dropped the sage he was sprinkling onto his food, almost all of it fell onto his meal, ruining both the food and the sage. As David looked outside, he saw a big piece of wood bobbing next to the rock, so he ran outside to get it. Once it was dry, David carved into the wood with a kitchen knife held by with tremulous fingers. When he finished carving, he hung it up as a sign at the front door, to invite people in. The sign said Welcome to David Tremly’s house, please visit me this year (2017). David Tremly had died in the year of 1900 from a heart attack...
Dallas Winston (school assignment)
Dallas Winston, cold as the coldest of glaciers,
He feels nothing, yet he’ll feel things the strongest.
He cares ’bout nobody, but he cares for Johnny,
He’s clean, still has a record by miles the longest
Grew up in the worst, still don’t got it better,
Jailed at the age of ten, mugged at age eight.
Roughed up all over, bottom, top, left, n’ right,
Love’s all bitter, nothing’s ever there to hate.
When he’s in a mood, ya better not make a hoot,
As with his sharp teeth, he’s a danger just like a lynx.
High cheekbones, pointed chin, like the face of an elf,
And with and temper just as them, he might end in a jinx.
“If I ever saw him again… I could fall in love with Dallas Winston”
What is there to love about him? Nothing, yet there is everything.
The way he could kill everybody but those closest to himself,
The way he doesn’t give a care but would die for his king.
His king, the pet of their little gang, means the world to him,
He would listen to nobody, but if it were his king, he would do anything, even kill.
Any word off of his king’s lips would bring a smile on his face,
And a smile on Dallas Winston’s lips could bend girls’ will
But now without his king, he was also without his smile
With no smile left, there was no life left.
So he went on, for an hour,
But left us for go.
Leaving his friends all alone,
Nobody but themselves left.
Done with his last selfish act,
For them to mourn the fact.
He left not only them,
But also all the fans.
Who loved him all,
Which is all he needed.
Even with him gone,
His memory will forever
Live on within those,
Who cherish him.
Is it worth it?
What is normal? What is a normal life? How can one have one if everybody is different? Can I have one? Do I even want one? Is it worth it? Is being 'normal' worth losing yourself? Why is it so important to be 'normal'? To fit in? Do I not fit in? Do I not belong? Am I the only one asking this? Does everybody else know what to do? Am I really all alone? Do I have nobody to share these concerns with? Does nobody care that I'm losing myself to a mask? Is normal really having to fake everything? To never really love someone, to always do what everybody expects me to do? To never choose something for me? To have nobody really on my side? To have everybody only like you when you do what they want? To be kicked aside when you're not needed or wanted anymore? Is this life really worth it? Worth losing everybody you care about? Worth losing yourself? I wouldn't know, I'm not me anymore.