it's sad that so many people use capitalisation. i think it's a limitation. or maybe just an obsession that the first letter in a sentence must be the most prominent. i don't know whether it's to catch attention, which is already stupid enough, that's basically how things go in life. but words are life and so if we change how we sculpt our words maybe this "first is most important, first is best" thinking - or rather, hierarchy - will be changed in our life outside of words.

maybe.

I still keep those flowers that you bought me on my birthday. I remember you presenting me with them and a slightly sheepish smile. I remember me giving you a hug and peck on the cheek as a reward.

I still remember those times.

I never really cherished what we used to have until it was gone. That was my greatest regret - that and not being by your side on the day that you decided to put an end to your life.

I always wonder what I could have done to stop your untimely death. After all, I was caught unprepared when Death decided to take you by the hand and lead you out of my life. I always wonder whether it was your own fault - or mine.

What would be different if you were still alive? Would you still have remained by my side up till now? Would we still have what we used to? And most importantly, would you still be happy?

Because I thought you were strong enough to cope with life and its many pains but apparently you couldn't take it anymore.

You had me to share your burden with, but I guess I just wasn't good enough a reason for you to keep living. Wasn't good enough to make you happy. Just wasn't enough.

Lots of decisions are tough to make, mostly because you don't know whether to follow your heart or your mind when you're making them. But I followed both my heart and mind when I made the decision of loving you and I have never regretted it even though all you left me to remember you with was pain.

i just saw you with her. your smile so bright it could blind. white teeth flashing in a grin that shone brighter than the sun itself - that perfect smile that used to shine for me. her giggling, twirling her hair, so obviously infatuated with you.

i guess the reason why i'm jealous is that scene reminds me of what we used to be - my memories of you are a wash of colour amidst sepia recollections. 

while other photographs fade, becoming dull and gray and hazy, my memories of you are photographs that still remain clear, glossy and seemingly freshly taken even after years of being stored in the album of my memory. 

but i'm chasing unachievable dreams, pining for things i can't have. like you.

all you can spare for me now is a bitter glance. while you treat her like she's the only girl in the entire universe.

i hate you.

but i still miss you.

i would be glad to have you back, even with the quarrels, the shouting, the problems we had.

when we were an item i felt on top of the world. you told me i was the best thing you could ever have.

now, looking back, i wonder how many girls you've said that to.

and now, you barely notice me. even when i walk past you in the hallways you act as if i'm just another random stranger that you never knew. oh, how wrong and ironic when last time you told me that you would always remember me, always think of me, that we would be together forever and always. 

but we walked through each other like phantoms through walls. you left no trace behind in my life. you just left. disappeared. took everything that was yours away from me and disappeared from my life. i told you oh, darling, our page in life's book's not yet complete. how could you just leave? but you were emotionless and unfeeling. told me i didn't matter anymore. told me it was her you wanted, not me. all you left behind was the memories. our memories.

but i've finally realised that it's not you i'm in love with anymore -

it's the memory of us that i'm pining for.

she lied to me

honeyed words dripping with malice that i failed to detect in her tone, smooth and sweet as molasses

she pretended to be on my

side

she deceived me

tormented me with empty promises

she made use of my naive mind.

thinking that ostracising me was the best way to put me down

well, sad to say she was not at all wrong.

thinking that i would crumble

thinking that i would fall

that i was weak, puny and small

she was right all along.

of course i could not take it, you idiot,

only six years of experience did i have.

of course your words would pierce my heart,

why else do you think i cried every night for

three lonely years?

ha, you really think it’s possible for me to stand up for myself?

what can i do

fight back?

just to receive physical blows in addition to the verbal ones they pile upon me?

i was one against seventeen

the popular clique.

superficial and heartless

they managed to quash my spirit, there was no more hope for me

no, of course i’m not okay

why do you think i slit my wrists every night?

they tempted her with the key to popularity, the way to become all she had ever wanted to be, seduced her to the dark side; took away my only star in the night sky

she became a tormentor as well

became one of them.

instead of the best friend she had once been

she turned into yet another faceless tormentor

an empty shell, hollowed out by the greed of popularity

a mere apparition of her previous being

with her gone

not a soul

will reach out and give me respite

my only light is extinguished; i have no more light to see with

i cannot go any further lest i trip and fall and lose my balance and fall deep deep down into a bottomless abyss that no one is willing to pull me out from

i have no drought

i forget all my qualms when i see a smile on your

face.

forget all life's cares and worries

get lost inside the depths of your smile, 

a whirlpool of quicksand, drawing me nearer

but for some reason, i do not resist

i am happy, indeed,

to be granted this privilege, this high honour

of being allowed to gaze at your crooked smile

clouded with sadness and pain, bearing the mark of life's hardships

you're such a mystery

such a difficult puzzle to solve

i cannot decipher your heart's lamentations

your smile is an oasis

it provides me with sanctuary

i come to it from the dry desert of life in which i aimlessly wander

and quench my thirst

drinking hungrily, voraciously from the clear pools of your eyes 

that sparkle deliciously in the moonlight

no, i do not forget all my qualms when i see a smile on your face

i forget almost all my qualms...but one qualm still remains because

you are smiling at her, not me

there's so much to do

people to banish and barriers to build

i will make my country great again

i will leave my mark in scars and pain

i am the first.

they chose me

i was reborn from fire and

ice.

i was so close

but still i could not avoid

falling short the first time, cut off only by a rival's unprecedented yet victorious

hand.

they refused me

said there was someone better

but still i waited in the shadows for years

and finally my time has

come.

they say i am weak

too old and frail to lead

they say i am ill and marked with

disease.

yes

even i cannot dispute that

for have i not been blinded and wrecked by the insanity of the

fight?

a hard fought battle

finally won.

they say i was lying

when i said i had come under fire

but their mouths are guns that take aim at me

and their words sharp bullets that cannot penetrate my titanium

shield.

they did not want me.

but they had no other

choice.

he was even worse than i.

my rule is

watered down with the hazy mist of confusion

pockmarked with traces of

shame.

making my mark

dripping wet taking time and soaking in the sweet oasis of victory

leaving traces of myself all over her final

page.

my country, they say i have

doomed you