I was so excited to be meeting my best girlfriend whom I hadn’t seen for a few years, at the airport. I knew we had a lot to catch up on but I was shocked when I saw her carrying a small girl in her arms. There would be time for questions when we got back to my home so I didn’t ask the circumstances of her child. And I have to admit that I was a little bit jealous because my husband, Theo, and I had been trying to have a baby for a very long time. Theo was on a business trip so this was the perfect time to enjoy visiting with my friend.

After I had shown her to her room and she had freshened up, she joined me on the back porch for a glass of lemonade and milk and cookies for little Teddie Ann. We started with small talk but I was dying to ask about her child.

Finally, I asked, “Who is Teddie Ann’s father? Did you get married or divorced? I’m not making judgment calls, you understand. I’m just glad you have such a beautiful little girl.”

And the child was gorgeous with long black curls and blue eyes with dark lashes. I really wished she were mine. I quietly wiped away a tear.

“Will you get me a Kleenex out of my purse,” my friend, Jan, asked her little girl in order to get her out of the room. “This child is a love child but it didn’t work out and he decided not to leave his wife,” she said sorrowfully.

That night, something began eating away at the back of my mind. “Why did Teddie Ann look so familiar? Did I know her father?” All of a sudden, I glanced at a picture of my husband. He was so handsome in his navy suit with his black hair and brilliant blue eyes. All of a sudden, it dawned on me that Teddie Ann was his. No wonder Jan had left so quickly several years ago.

The next day, I went down to the basement where Jan was washing her clothes. I picked up a short piece of clothesline and tightened it around her neck until she wasn’t breathing. I grabbed a shovel and began digging a hole in the floor where I buried her. Next, I called a tradesman to put in a new basement floor. I would tell Theo that I had adopted this child when he came home from his trip, knowing he would be thrilled to be a father.

Next, I went up to Jan’s bedroom and began taking her belongings out of her suitcase to get rid of them. There in the bottom was an envelope with ‘birth certificate’ written on it. Imagine my horror, when I saw the name of the father. It wasn’t my husband!

Depression is........

That prison that surrounds your soul

Squeezing your body

Filling you with cement

Stuck in your own tears

Falling inside quick sand

A constant struggle 

Lonely

Desperate

Isolation within the mind

Invincible to life

Blowing into stagnant water

Worthlessness beyond control

A disease of the mind

Grey days in sunshine

Frowns at a happy circus

Desperate to find structure

Plagued in your own body

Life's termite destroying your skin

Eaten from the inside out

Drudgery of exsistence

A heavy chain tied to you

Desperation ignites within the eyes

Flames of mental torchure scotch the eye lids

Exhausted to take another breath

Exhausted to continue forward

Exhausted to be in existense

Wishing to not see tomorrow

Depression is..........

K.j.a. (c) 2017

Tucking memories in my pocket

I saw her today

the color of dusk

floating upward

with grace

Tucking memories in my pocket

I felt radiance of her aura

highlighted by the sun

juicy blood orange

fading away

into her future

Tucking memories in my pocket

rustling breeze

hypnotizing beauty

captured in my heart

green silk eyes distant

Tucking memories in my pocket

I drowned today

in ocean of tears

cerulean anguish

Tell me I’ll be okay

Tucking memories in my pocket

I thought I saw our future

in the depths of her eyes

but mourned as I absorbed

I saw only the past.

You folded my name

into an origami of lovers,

a taste of invisible sun

on your tongue,

pouring affection

in tango of love,

sensuality in syllables,

butterfly wings

tingling my skin,

touching me

with deep

resonating tones,

curving down

my torso -

lilting, lingering,

speaking to my heart,

saturating my center,

releasing crest of want

as I silently read

my name

on your lips.

You swathed

my name

awakening

spirit of forever

and the world

stopped twirling.

In our world today, hope is regarded as a positive source of inspiration and faith. When one has hope, one has trust (or something of that nature) in an unforeseen outcome, and in this sense they possess strength. However, some disagree with this notion. Hope can be seen as a thread to which we hold on to for dear life. It is a thread that can be cut or tied stronger, depending on circumstance and will. It is in this idea that hope is torturous and cruel. Hope rests in the wish for a particular outcome, which roots itself in the unknown. Because of this, we are left to hold on to a thread, which will weaken or hold strong, without the certainty of either. This is the duality of hope. 

"Shards"

Life was cascading twilight

in street-lit park benches

where dogs cease to fight

in feral shards of moonlight

where angels mourn a human's soul

and lose their gift of flight

It is sad to think of the dawn that follows

when all is exposed to sun

and bloody backs are turned towards everyone

Everything is daylight

Everything is seen

but the eyes are killed to bullet wounds

and all have lost their sight 

I am you in my body

     can’t you see?

     sound the pensive trumpet

     unchain prison of your mind

     take a stand for humanity

I am you in my body

     a single tear from a waxen candle

     straightening the rhymes of imbalance

     a reality nailing fools to trees

     awakening human soul to acceptance

I am you in my body

     rescuing sun in drowning sea

     spreading wings of tolerance

     smiting falsehoods strung

     in twisted breaths of hate

I am you in my body

     reinforce my head with glue

     pile fairness in piles of bricks

     acceptance warms barren echoes,

     pitches out useless privilege

I am you in my body

     lean closely to me to see

     open heart in sweeping tides

     let our voices be heard

     eagles soar – we are the same.

You know not what I know

Of the world beyond the veil

The art of true seeing

Calling upon the powers of the universe

Forcing them to do my will

You know not what I know

Of heartbreak and joy

The ability to shape life as I wish

And the heartbreak that comes

When karma comes to visit

You know not what I know

Of the beauty of nature

The call of the wild

Begging my presence

Bringing me a peace unknown

You know not what I know

The burden that comes with knowing

And the freedom that comes with magic

The peace that comes with acceptance

Of who I was born to be

Being in love is to finally feel at home. To feel comfortable being completely naked and honest. To accept and be accepted just the way you are.

It is a feeling like no other. You never felt so free while you were alone.

Love brings happiness.

To know that there is somebody to hold you if you let go.

There's my mother

Working and dying

There's my dad

Drinking and pissed

There's my sister

Ignoring and texting

There's my brother

Playing and leaving

There's me

Sitting and breaking