"How will we escape?" I asked.

"We need a diversion. A big one," he replied.

"I have an idea," I said. I telepathically reached out to our human guard, who was playing on his iPhone, and began subtly manipulating him.

*OPEN FACEBOOK*

*CREATE EVENT*

*STORM AREA 51*

Every day she leads me down the garden path.

Sometimes I go willingly, others I resist.

But I know it’s futile. I cannot escape her chains

Pulling at my neck.

I can’t resist.

Sometimes I don’t want to.

She’s beautiful and soft.

Hear her:

“Walkies!”

“Come on Rover.”

“Good dog…”

Today was finally the day. The venue was beautiful, the flowers perfectly arranged, and she had everybody she loved in one place. She had the most beautiful dress on. All eyes were on her.

What a perfect day? She thought as she laid a flower on her dead fiancé’s chest.

I miss you,

more and more,

as every worthless second

passes by

You knew me,

consoled me,

held me when no one else

would

I loved you,

more and more,

as every second gave birth to

new daydreams,

tingles,

euphoria

Daydreams that quickly ended,

eaten by your gnarly, sharp teeth,

those of a beast,

well hidden underneath

Underneath your false facade,

underneath the quick reprieve,

there you were, waiting, as I tried

to run,

hide,

scream,

Simply saying,

I miss you, too

@dream

I also have litterbox duties and a tolerance for the associated odor.

I also have a few neighbors in my building who have no appreciation for felines or their litterboxes.

This conflict plays itself out on a daily basis with the appearance of an occasional post-it-note reminding me of the smell in my trash or the as-soon-as-the-elevator-door-closes intervention explaining my building should be pet-free.

I can tolerate this pithy behavior.

What I cannot tolerate is the next level of dastardly deeds a few have decided to partake in.

Now, I receive nothing. One of my neighbors has decided to become a porch-pirate and make off with my delivered packages and (apparently) hold them ransom until I change my cat’s litter box and sanitize the entire 4th floor to a NASA/CDC/quarantine cleanroom level 8. If and when I accomplish this feat, I may find my packages released, under their own recognizance, to my care. If I fail, I will find only an opened box, sans contents, near the community dumpster.

It is war on the 4th floor and I have a plan.

Two days ago, I took a recent Amazon box, carefully lined the inside with plastic wrap, and introduced my cat to its new litter box. On day ago, I packaged the contents and printed out a new shipping label (correct dates and address). Before securing the contents, I rigged a small pull-apart firecracker (a firecracker with two small strings attached to the ends) to the inside flap and the bottom of the box. All I had to do was seal the box and place it against my apartment door when I departed for work.

I received a call from the building manager at noon and did not reply.

Soon afterward came a text and an email. I remained indifferent to the sense of urgency.

When I returned home, I learned about the “incident” with the “suspicious package”.

Someone else, who could not resist opening the box inside their apartment, learned about karma.

They also discovered the cost of cleaning their apartment to a NASA/CDC/quarantine cleanroom level 8.

Some boxes include the gift that just keeps on giving.