I don't apologize. About anything. Yeah, so I do feel guilt like every other normal human being--but I can never bring myself to say a couple of words: "I'm really sorry."
What is it about myself? Is it pride? No, I don't think so. I open my mouth to say sorry, and the words get stuck in my mouth. I try to force them out, but they seem stuck there, a big ball of hot burden. I clench my teeth, and try to do it again the next day. Again, I freeze, and I look at my feet. What the heck is wrong with me? I scold myself. Why can't you just apologize? And so I try to be as friendly as I can, and try to forget about what I ever did. But I have a huge ball of guilt gathering in my stomach, and I don't want any more mistakes to be nesting there, so I guess I'll somehow have to force my voice to work.
And for all if you out there, if you see this: I'm really, really sorry.
To Mom:
I'm sorry for all the things i said to you
I promise I didn't mean them…
I don't think you're ugly
And I don't think you're stupid
I don't think you're fat
And I don't hate you
I say those things because I can't say them to myself
And I know I can't tell them to you
Not because you wouldn't believe me
But I couldn't live with myself if someone close to me knew I thought those things
I know it's unfair of me
To say those things to you
But maybe I'm hoping
You'll catch a hint
And see how unhappy I am
I promise I love you
And I promise if this was paper it would have tear stains in the shapes of hearts
But I don't want to do this anymore
And I think you'd be better off with out me
You don't need to hear these things
I think you're beautiful
And I think you're pretty
I wish I could think half of the nice things I think about you about myself
But I know that I can't
And I know that I won't
I think I've done irreparable damage
And we aren't gonna have good memories
I've severed the bond between mother and child
And we're never gonna get it back
"I don't think you know how much I love you. How much I beam when I'm with you. If you left... If... If you died... I think I might break. My heart would be first, of course--it would be torn in half, bruised and abused. Then I would slowly go into a state of depressed silence. I would want to cry all the time, yet my tears would be stuck. When... When I hear your name, I think of all the happy memories we've had together. I think of your smile, which I always look for when I'm feeling angry or annoyed or just plain sad. You are the one person that makes me laugh when I want to scream, the one person who reaches out to me when I just want to sob. I've laughed with you and cried with you and done "secret missions" with you. I've gotten annoyed with you, true, but you have also, with me. I don't recall any actual fights we've had--not really. You have always been there for me, through good times and bad. And now I can't imagine being without you. I... Hope you are happy, wherever you go next. Life is one journey, and death is another. I love you. Goodbye."
