That's it

It's over

I can't fight it anymore

The war is finally won

A war against myself

And it's the darker side that won.

It started with just one small bottle

And then two and three

And now here I am

No place to go

How did I get here?

Beats me.

The farther I went

Down that dark twisted path

The easier it was

To not look back

I've reached the end of that path now

I've hit a wall

But it's not a wall

It's a gate.

A gate that's sucking me in

Pulling me closer

Trying to take me away

And I have a choice to make.

I can give up all hope

Go through that gate

But it will close behind me forever

I'll never be able to go back.

Or I can awaken inside me

That tiny little part

That still has strength left

Strength to pull myself out of this mess

Away from this wall

But doing that

Would be going through hell.

I'd have to work and work

Trying to pull myself away

When it would be easier to stay here

Slumped against the wall

And let the gate pull me through

Closing the doors of life

Forever.

I don’t consider myself to be very imaginative.

Maybe I’m ashamed to put my daydreams down in writing for fear of judgement. I know that my growth as a writer depends on me getting over that fear because I'm sure it holds me back.

I usually write about the things I know and have experienced. It helps me arrange my thoughts, get to know how I respond to situations, how I can change, and share these revelations in case anyone else doesn’t want to feel so alone.

I have a very hard time confronting my feelings. Writing forces me to do just that.

Although I’ve been honest regarding alcohol abuse, depression, anxiety, and my general humanity questions, I still haven’t written much about the heaviest weight on my shoulders.

My husband.

I write about how much I love him and have a couple posts about our sarcastic conversations. I’ve been avoiding facing my feelings regarding his Multiple Sclerosis and my future as a caregiver. If I do that, I’ll break. I’ll fuckin break. I think the only thing we are not honest about is the sadness his disease brings us. We spend so much time letting the other know that everything will be fine, that I’m not sure we are taking care of ourselves emotionally anymore.

I don’t even know how to expand on that right now. It’s emotionally overwhelming. I stuff those feelings aside because I can’t break in front of him. I’m his rock. Writing should be mine.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid to feel helpless. I’m afraid to cry. I’m afraid to feel angry. I’m afraid to feel resentful. The truth is, I married him knowing he had Multiple Sclerosis and what that meant for our future. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different. I’ve had moments when I’ve felt held back by his limitations.

Then I immediately feel guilty and hate myself for ever imagining an alternate life where I didn’t stay with him. Because, as mushy as it sounds, I love him with every molecule in my body. I love waking up early and seeing him sleep beside me, lying (laying?) on his belly, face mashed into his pillow. His fluttery eyelashes and growing beard. His odd nose that I always hated, but have grown to love. Just picturing it makes me want to bite him and kiss him all over his face.

I am in love with a man whose body is waging a war against him.

And it is so hard.

Slowly

Eating away the sanity that was so secure just a short time ago.

You don't know whether you'll make it

The unknown

The memories that slowly cut you

The unknown

"Will I have this again"

Each blow

Harder than the first

...and yet each time you stand up.

Only to get knocked down harder

By

...the unknown.

Because your mind is racing

"How can I survive when I don't know what's next"

Living day by day

Survival is a bitch

Because you're told its the right thing to do

Says who?

Everything you planned

Smashed

By the unknown

You sit there broken, wanting to be healed

And still fearing the unknown

"His eyes were unknown

The sweetest unknown I'd ever seen.

They were something I wanted to know.

I wanted to fall deep inside the unknown that was him.

I wanted to know what he hid from everyone else.

Just to know ....... You know?

He slipped through my fingers

And everything I thought I knew

Slipped into the unknown

And I was left knowing nothing."

And if I had just knew nothing or knew everything

My mind might be at ease.

Here I sit again

Halfway in

...into the unknown

Muffled

I hear groans as i toss and turn

Gently

the tears stroke my cheeks

I hastily wipe them away

"Are you weak"

Why does everyone leave

Why am I alone

Why do I push people away

What's wrong with me

I want to love so bad

But everyone has a trick up their sleeve

Everyone has trust issues which is the issue because it makes issues out of no issues.

I want to love him but he's not right for me.

Then what is

....What is right anyway

I try to avoid the pain that shoots through my chest.

That pain has become me.

I am broken

I regret the choices I failed to make when the truth hit me dead in my face.

I sit

I wonder

I cry

I stress

Everything is piling up and it's becoming too heavy.

So why don't I listen to the signs.

Everyone can't be telling the same exact lie.

Realizing he wasn't the person i thought he was, was the hardest part.

Or maybe the hardest part was trying to continue after feeling like ending it all.

Drained

Every part of me.

And yet I couldn't give up.

I guess I just regret giving my all to the wrong person.

Because now I'm left with

Nothing

I fall into you

First...

...slightly

Then all at once

Yet I tell myself not to

As I'm falling

Because falling into you means losing myself

But I'm already lost

Never actually been found

And yet

...I continue

Because with you I feel

My pieces come together

My face smiles

My soul breathe

I feel.

And yet I don't know what I feel

Because i tell my mind to murmur

Wish it'd just shut up.

And yet you make it speak

You make it feel alive

Possibilities

I'd long given up on

And again I'm lost

Crawling

Because you aren't here

And I'm alone

I'm always living on brief moments

Short breathes of happiness

Never consistent

Never...

...free

my stomach drops,

my throat tightens,

my heart quickens,

my eyes swell,

every time

i hear your name.

is it because of regret?

knowing that something

could have been,

and thinking that

something,

anything,

should have been.

is it because of embarrassment?

resenting the words

i expressed to you;

the completely vulnerable

moments

filled with honesty

and passion,

and wondering

if you do, too.

is it because of fear?

dreading the look of

disappointment

and anguish

hidden behind

your dark eyes.

convincing me

more and more

every time

that i never meant

anything to you.

or is it because

despite the "what-could-have-beens," embarrassments, and the "never-good-enough-to-make-you-stay" resentments,

i still fall for you,

and i don't know

why?

this fuckin swing

it goes back and forth

it mocks me with its

symbolism of innocence.

I am not innocent.

The metal screech

of the forwards motion

echoes the terrified

screams of my insides

when I try to give of myself

and let people in.

when I get scared

I swing back

and dig my feet in dirt.

Sometimes I get tired

I get tired of trying

The second-

the fuckin second

I leave myself vulnerable

You take a shit

on my insecurities.

There is nothing more

scary than letting new

people in your life.

Judging you.

Your name comes

out of their mouth

like word vomit

and leaves the chunks

on your reputation.

I care.

I fuckin care.

I fuckin cared about you.

Hate comes from

misunderstandings

so I figured,

if you understood

where I came from

how deeply I feel

and the things that

make me tick

we could learn to mesh.

Instead,

it made me hate you.

And myself.

Fuck me for

trying to be

a human being.

I might try again-

I might cut open

the same naive wound-

but I’ll never compromise

my honesty

for your fuckin comfort.