In my wildest fantasies,

you believe I’m worth it

so you meet me at the airport

and drive us home

to our house.

We’re us now.

We sleep in the same bed.

We’re as good as it gets.

We fight about politics

and disagree about science.

I try to convince you

psychology is real—

something about mice

and radial arm mazes,

the memorization and mapping.

I say your name.

I moan your name.

I write love poems

that make you frown.

You make me cry

in both the good and the bad ways.

You take me out to a hibachi dinner.

You make me try lobster, frog legs,

all the things I’ve never tasted.

I love you for the little and big things.

You kneel and ask me to marry you.

I admit I don’t wear jewelry,

but I will for you.

We’re real. We’re real. We’re real.

Līvidum

•

o’ midnight blue

churned up the lucid view

of future shaped by shattered past

forever that never lasts

written in our stars

that shone through you

in my midnight blue

and mem’ries could only go so far

o’ midnight blue

unbeholden its darker hue.

•

https://youtu.be/AvIqrVofq9U

the tips of my fingers tingle.

I gouge lines

into my skin

a river of vibration.

I feel it breathe.

It breathes with me

and its exhale exhilarates.

Ice injected into my blood stream

Coldness I can’t shake out

Huddled up

I beg for warmth

My plea ignored

hard, frozen over

whispers from snowflakes tell me

I'm softer than them

three more words.

Dog eat dog

Truth eat trust

Mind eat words

Love eat lust

Hand in hand

Deep in shame

Worry in wonder

Regret in blame

Back to back

Heart to chest

Ashes to ashes

Forever to rest

You know I'd really like to know if it will end

This pounding in my head

The screaming voices that won't quiet

The constant verbal diet

I think for a second I've made it through

And then once again the bottle will unscrew

Flooding all the fears and tears

All the emotions I've locked away for years

You think that you've made it through

But every time there is something new

It sets off the old trauma

Reenacted like a victorian drama

I'd love to say I'm living proof

That you can let go of the things that haunt you

But I know that I'm a sham

Cause I still cling to tightly to my demons

To ever be considered one of the saved