It’s not like it’s goodbye

I’ll see you in few months

you say;

but I can tell from your eyes

that stopped seeing me

sometime before today,

that you are already

far from here from now

from me

looking forward to

something

someone other;

this necessary separation

is a welcome excuse

an easy out

an opportunity

to let something die

by neglect

(holding on yet letting go)

rather than

pointing out with a

(painful but compassionate)

hard rip and tear

that which is already dead

to you…

It’s not like it’s goodbye,

you lie

hoping to avoid

the messy business of

a shattered heart

that bleeds through

devasted eyes

that hurt and blame

and beg and implore

for more…

It’s not like it’s goodbye,

you say…

as you walk away.

if i were to never talk to you again,

it's not like it's goodbye,

it's just me saying i'm tired of holding us up.

if i were to forget we ever happened,

it's not like it's goodbye,

it's just me letting you go.

and if i left without a trace,

it's not goodbye,

it's a see you later (in the next lifetime).

it's not like i'm saying goodbye,

is it?

it's more of a

question;

a curiosity

of sorts;

will you still be here

when i return?

will your smile

be the same?

will every word you ever speak,

still thrum inside of me?

will you still be here

when i return?

when i

return.

i'm just saying,

i'm just asking

i'm asking these words

when i say, "goodbye?"

i'd just like to know

if i'll still be wanted around

because if i'm not,

i'll never come back

i'd just like to know

the answers to our future

please answer back,

'cause i'd like to know;

will you still be

h e r e

when i

r e t u r n?

I try to remind myself as I look at the unchanging notification. It always feels like goodbye even though he never says it, always blindsiding me with his absence. Not saying goodbye hurts worse than saying it. That closure is stolen by uncertainty and hope seeps into the vacant space. Hope that I’ll get to yell at him when he comes back (though the joy always steals my anger). Hope that he’ll make it up to me by making me smile genuinely. Hope that I get to have someone who understands me again. I always wonder when that goodbye will come and exhaust that hope and shatter the joy, and leave me fragmented and wondering how I was so wrong again.

It’s not like it’s goodbye

We will see eachother again

If not in our dreams

Maybe in the afterlife

But I know you’ll never truly be gone

As long as I’ve got my memories

And as long as you’ve still got my heart

it's not like it's goodbye, is it?

the longing

the waiting

the expecting

it can't be

because that would mean

this pain has all been

for nothing

and that would hurt me more than goodbye

its not like its goodbye..

unless it is.

is it?

will i wake up tomorrow

alone in this bed?

will i go home today,

never hear from you again?

will i get the call in a week's time,

sorrowful words speaking "i'm sorry,

she's dead"?

it's not like it's goodbye

until it all goes to hell.

one moment we're fine,

next time i see a clock it's been two years.

or three.

or ten, if you're lucky.

it's not like it's goodbye,

i repeat the words you said.

it's not like it's goodbye,

as i finish off another red.

it's not like it's goodbye,

tear stained pillows, colors bled.

it's not like it's goodbye,

through the speaker of a phone.

it's not like it's goodbye,

but i'm still waking up alone.

I still have the rings you gave me. Objectively, they’re not ageing well. It’s obvious they were cheap, the silver paint is rubbing off from wearing them too much, and they’re slightly big, but I love them anyway. Yes, the designs are beautiful, but that’s not the only reason I love them.

I know we haven’t had a proper conversation in months. It should be hard to care so much about someone you don’t talk to, right? But even when we didn’t talk, just your smile from across the room was enough to make me feel better.

I don’t know when we’ll next see each other. I don’t have your number, and I doubt we’d talk anyway. Still, when you hugged me on the last day, it felt like goodbye.

I don’t want it to be goodbye. I know I’ll see you again. Until then, I’ll keep wearing the rings you gave me, even when nothing of their beauty remains.