My mind hates my heart for its constant complication

my thoughts are too loud they won’t stay in my head

but why

they refuse to let me sleep

maybe I don’t try

I think and overthink while laying in my bed

heartbeat’s racing to the sky

I don’t know

I don’t care

Should I care?

Maybe I do

No

No

Not again

You don’t care

Just stop trying

They don’t deserve it

you don’t either

My heart hates my body for betraying my emotions

my feelings hurt too much they won’t release me

but why

too much tension riding my shoulders

maybe I don’t try

to knock it off would mean more soreness than I have now

heartbeat’s racing to the sky

I just don’t know

It won’t get off

Just get off

Get OFF

Please

Please

please

I’m not strong enough

It’s too heavy

Do I deserve it?

probably

My body hates my mind for pushing me too far

my grip is too tight on my free falling plans

but why

my fingers are turning white and cramping

maybe I don’t try

there has to be a way to reach my goals

heartbeat’s racing to the sky

I just don’t let go

I can’t let go

I don’t want to

I can handle this

Right?

Right.

right

I deserve this

Just this once

How could I not?

I’m trying

I’m trying

I promise

I’m scared

It’s too much

I’m hoping

I’m hoping

I’m hoping

How could I not?

How could I not?

For all my hatred

I still have love

Because I understand

I see my pain

But I see others’

I believe they love me

And I know they do

I doubt they would lie

Lies are hard to maintain

Even mine

I can’t fake it forever

Slowly there are days

I am truly happy

Because I know myself

I can see through my own lies

See my anxiety

My pain

But also my joy

Joy in understanding

And trusting those around me

Accepting I am not perfect

And loving that about myself

This term has taken on a whole new meaning to me over the past year. Not just because I've finally understood what it meant but also because it reminds me of the people and things I love most.

If you love yourself, it doesn't mean your arrogant or prideful. It means you except every flaw about yourself and love it. You look at your mistakes and love them because they are making you who you are supposed to be.

Loving yourself is speaking yourself. If you love yourself, you will speak out for yourself. You won't be silenced, won't let people ignore you again. Because you have this new found confidence that comes from loving yourself.

Many people say to love yourself but sometimes it's harder to do than to say. I know. So many times I've told others that they need to accept themselves and yet, I can't always seem to do it. But others will be there to guide you on the way as they too figure out how to love themselves.

I know because I never walk alone.

If you got that reference, I love you sooo much. XD

To love yourself.

Is to never give up hope on the girl in the mirror.

To never stop giving love to the girl in the mirror.

And to never doubt the girl in the mirror.

Despite all the hurt you've gotten,

Despite all the mistakes you've made,

To move on,

And pick up the broken pieces of glass on the floor,

Even though there are a million pieces of them,

To pick them up,

One by one,

Even if it means bleeding to death.

he’s a bohemian boy

laughed at for carrying a purse, but it’s filled with joy

he’s a bohemian boy

able to levitate ever since he traded meat for soy

he’s a bohemian boy

ever misunderstood, cunningly coy

he twirls, he spins

he blooms from within

a kid at heart

he loves to play, but he’s not a toy

oh, he’s a bohemian boy

adorned with crystals

protected by potions

underneath a crown of flowers

he has special powers

he prances about

scaring away doubt

he’s high on life

he’s not coming down

he’s a bohemian boy

hmm, maybe he’ll fall in love with troy

possibly roy?

he’s a... wait

what’s that?

oh, for now he’s choosing  joy

he’s been hurt

so he made gold from dirt

he’s a...

you know by now

he’s a melody boy

no, wait, a honeybee boy

dripping with sweet, sweet joy

An empty stomach

but enough blush to look alive

concealer to cover acne and

other scars

fake smile

tacked to my face

passive agressive comments

baking under my tongue

as close to loving me as I can get.

I enjoy our conversations

I love it when you smile

As you look at me, it's wonderful to see your beautiful eyes

I love when you clearly express your anger and what exactly makes you angry

I'm sorry I don't listen to you sometimes

I won't get mad if you make a mistake sometimes

You inspire me

Youre my best friend

Each of your wrinkles tells me that youre hiding gathered wisdom over the years

I'm glad to hear your voice humming while you shower

Your scars remind me of your individual experiences, evoked emotions and strength

I forgive you for the mistakes you made because you didn't know any better

The tears that you shed reveal how deep you can go within yourself

I love kissing your whole body from head to toe

I have always been there for you and I will help you to accomplish everything you want

Thank you for taking care of me.

Now repeat this all aloud each morning as you look in the mirror!

Preparing the coffee pot the night before work

Keeping your living environment clean

Allowing yourself to cry, laugh, dance and sing

Avoiding people with a negative vibe

Eating nourishing foods

Rarely feeling embarrassed

Staying hydrated

Using bandaids

Feeling happy for what you have

Doing all you can to achieve your goals

Understanding that if God can love me it must be the right

thing to do.

Not "beating yourself up" over mistakes while planning to not repeat them.

Keeping your skeletons in the closet

Laughing at yourself with others (yesterday at work I tried to pop peanuts into my mask

covered mouth, they flew all over).

Getting new clothes now and then

Refusing to tolerate abuse

Keeping your car nice

Making sure your bed is comfortable and getting good sleep

Gifting yourself with a pet

Taking showers and baths

Driving safely

You get the idea. If this stuff happens, you begin to want it for others.

When I was 19, I started DBT.

In case there is any confusion as to what that is short for, a quick Google search says the following:

"Dialectical behavior therapy is an evidence-based psychotherapy that began with efforts to treat borderline personality disorder. There is evidence that DBT can be useful in treating mood disorders, suicidal ideation, and for change in behavioral patterns such as self-harm, and substance abuse."

Within DBT, there is a module called "Self Compassion."

I did two rounds of DBT, each six months in duration. My therapists (I had two, an individual one and the DBT group leader) made me do it a second time because I was no good at DBT.

This was because of the "Self Compassion" module.

I didn't understand how self compassion needed to be taught to anyone. I was honestly baffled. I mean, wasn't I alive? Didn't I get up every morning, take care of myself? Why should I feel compassion towards myself, when I was all I had, and everyone should just inherently know that too?

For a year, I struggled to understand.

I watched the others in the group: I watched as Ruth cried every session, because she had had electric convulsive therapy five times and her brain was fried, marriage on the rocks. I watched Jenn shake in her seat when she wasn't staring straight ahead, withdrawing from heroin. I watched as an older gentleman, Rick, stood up and told us about the war.

As I watched these individuals cry, shake, and talk, I imagined them at home. I imagined them trying to get out of bed and take care of themselves.

I imagined a life in which they loved themselves, but I couldn't.

And eventually, it dawned on me that people need help realizing that they are worth their own time.

As we colored in pictures one day, expressing "how we felt" about ourselves, Ruth held up a perfectly colored in picture. She cried and expressed her fear that her husband disliked her and wanted to leave her.

As I held up my disgrace of a colored in picture, I realized that these people needed help. And that maybe I did, too. In understanding. In moving towards self-love.

And it dawned on me that maybe I had somewhere to go.

Up.