For many years, I have wanted to make money making art. My biggest fear is I don't want to be a starving artist and I'm not the best artist around. I'm afraid people won't want to buy it. I struggle with procrastination and discipline (which do I struggle with more?), so I don't know if commissions with deadlines would be the best thing for me. I don't have an art degree, so I feel like that's a hurdle at times.

I've always been afraid to go to college. When I was younger, it was because I never wanted to be in debt, and college CAN be thousands of dollars of debt. The amount of effort involved in scholarships overwhelmed me. Debt scares me.

I have an account to a dating app or two, but I've only ever set up the accounts and deleted the apps. I've never used used them. I'm afraid of getting murdered or kidnapped or something. I'm afraid of getting my heart hurt. I'm afraid of coming off too awkward. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of pouring too much time and effort into finding a boyfriend. I'm afraid I might compromise for the sake of being liked. I'm also afraid of rejecting others too.

I want to see your face again

in old photographs

and pick which one

was taken right before

my apology

couldn’t be accepted

As a boy, I called the feeling known as fear, fun. A free spirited human moving without a care in the world, taking risk climbing, falling, speeding, speaking my mind, lustfully living, experimenting with all the boundaries of life. Somewhere along the way mortality and self doubt crept in introducing me to concepts like fear of pain, rejection, and even death, but mostly pain and rejection. With experience, I better understand the balance of fear. Certainly, I have limits, but have used the feeling of fear, the nervous buzz in my gut, the sweaty palms, the sleepless nights, as the doorway to something wonderful that lies on the other side. With dutiful calculation of the risk, I step through fears door. Once on the other side, a beauty within me appears, regardless of the outcome, a confidence badge for being courageous, for taking the risk when everything was telling me no. I find personal growth.

Fear Monster

Together for life, bonded by fear, this monster and me, we are always near.

His silent whispers, deep in my head, "failure, death and the worst, rejection, I fear."

With walls thick as boulders, standing firm on our doubts, we never challenge his thoughts as they might just work out.

The mountain too steep, the water too cold, the love was too much for this unworthy soul.

It’s better to stay silent, not play in the rain, the love will die too, confirming your pain.

Bigger walls are the answer, so pile on the bricks, listen to the monster, fear will certainly be the fix.

Stay tuned for the sequel to this ditty where I manage fear to grow and shine brighter than the sun!

I have tried so hard to be happy in this relationship.

After the last few years even when we are together

sometimes it’s still lonely.

Really I just want to get on a train and disappear from everyone and start all over.

If you only knew half of this you would understand.

But, I have no money, I’m scared and if I do this, what if it’s a huge mistake?

When you’re a kid, at least you’re momma got your back. Now momma gone.

Oh Lord! Help a child when she down!

Fear keeps me stuck here, sad and miserable.

I loved u always and forever but denied it however

You are tranquility to my dark night

But still I was not able to fight

This fear of loosing u forever

And this fake smile it was only a cover

Caged imprisoned and broken

All my dreams and soul taken

Afraid of your denial and rejection

All of it is your mere objection

Out of fear I look at starts like a dead corpse

Yearning and longing in heart which is all immense.

Four years ago, I met you.

I lost you for three.

Then found you again by chance.

And now I watch from afar

Waiting to tell you

That I owe you so, so much.

And I wish I was braver.

Because I have about 9 months

Before you leave for good.

And after you leave,

I won't be able to tell you

That you're the one that showed me it's okay to enjoy life.

I hope you kept the cat figurine I gave you.

But it's probably long gone.

I love water, I love listening to it, I love the crazy storms and the dance they perform when the waters are in a rage. I would love to live on the water for a year. Just a nice houseboat, on the open water. By the time I really though of diving in... I became a mom. Then this crazy fear grew. It's not just my life anymore. Never had the thought of what would happen if something went wrong before I had her. I have a close family but yet it still didn't cross my mind of what it would do to them, it only mattered once she was born. I was a single parent until she was 23 years old. So living out that dream was not going to happen. And now, well my spouse is not interested in living on the water, and I'm still a parent who wouldn't want to miss out on the adventure she still brings to my life.

Maybe instead of a year, maybe 6 months will do. Maybe not the open ocean, maybe in the Bay somewhere. My life isn't over yet, so there is time. Maybe the fear will move on and I will still dive right in. I've achieved other dreams I never thought I would.

I'm afraid to write.

I know what you're probably thinking: what do you mean? Aren't you writing right now?

Yes, I am. But I'm scared right now. It's pretty silly to be scared of writing, especially if you want to be an author. But I am. I'm scared of writing because I feel as if no one will ever read any of my books once I manage to finish one (God willing), and that I won't be able to make any money. I'm also just scared to write personally, because I'm scared to get writer's block, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past this stage of fragmented, unfinished book writing. I get so excited about an idea, and then I manage to procrastinate and never finish. I guess that makes me kind of scared of hoping, lest I get super disappointed or let down. But maybe one day I'll be the author of many bestselling books, and by that time, I'll be confident and satisfied with the way that I write. Until then, I'll just keep trying to hope, and I'll just keep praying.