We do this all the time, this expectation for another new year to be better htan the last then it proceeds to feel more awful than the one before. There is a genocide that makes me feel like if I was alive during the Holocaust and faced with the images that have twisted my stomach since 6th grade, I would still be here just liking them on Instagram and moving on. A is such a funny word. No, multiple genocides. Children mining for the cobalt that makes this little lightbox in my hand that gives me dopamine like Pez dying daily in Sudan (I think, God there's so much to remember nowadays), yet I still am against having a diamong ring anywhere near my hands (or other body parts I guess) because I refuse to fund such an unsafe environment for tradition.

I want to get closer to God but it feels like I can't without walking myself to the pearly gates because the world is full of noise, noise, noise. I feel like the Grinch, the original without Christine Baranski and her boobs or whatever the fuck was happening that musical distracting from the fact that Christmas is just so goddamn loud that the Grinch can't get any sleep in his little mountain with his dog. Plus, it just frustrates me to hear thtem root for Israel when I just watched parents sob over bundles of cotton that were once their smiling happy children. It's disheartening to know that I'm right and hear people that I used to trust as teachers are more worried about the name in a book than what the name represents. Should we really defend land over the people on it? If Jesus died for human sins, why are we still idolizing the possession of land over the precious lives on it.

It's just so much. I can't even beg for a break because this is the part of the accident where the doctors are removing the shrapnel of windshield you didn't realize was too dirty until you hit that tree you didn't see coming. We have to go through it, not over it. What's over it? It doesn't matter. We are in the scary trench, holding onto a celestial hand and praying things will be alright. There will be more scary things to come. You thought the anglerfish was bad, but you've never seen the bottom of the ocean before. You always stopped before the end of the adage and now get to see why the curious cat is the cat that truly lives. I want to be the cat that truly gets to see the beauty of live, which means going forward and not stopping no matter how much I want to.

I do not think that 2024 will be any better than 2023 or 2022 (but hopefully better than 2021; though if not, I'll be okay with having people 6 feet away from me again. I felt someone's breath on me the other day and nearly lost my mind). I wish for peace but you can't wish for peace; you have to make peace. This is me making peace wiht the fact that peace will not come. I will not have inner or external peace. I'm already mentally preparing for November when Trump somehow wins the office and the Supreme Court fights him and he joins Israel in their onslaught on Palestine and becomes a dictator and people try to stop im by striking but the three moneybags, Zuck, Musk, and Jeff fund him anyway and Mr. Tiny-Dick-Tator goes on and on until the rush of power he's never had before gives him a stroke and he dies at 80. It's going to happen. I'm just happy we get to fight a war in gym shoes and sweatpants instead of heels and dresses.

I think in 2024, I want to live like I'm going to die. But that might lead to me actually dying since pre-diabetes doesn't mix well with eating every shape of pasta I can legally find. I'd like to get laid again. I'd like to buy my second car. I'd like to maybe address this whole student loans thing (preferably with lawyers and dynamite, Tom and Jerry style), or say to hell with them and move to New Zealand. I'd like to continue to push my friends towards their goals, even though for them it probably feels like the Foster's Home for Imaginary Friend's game where you had to push Cheese down a hill and he only seemed to be having fun when you pushed him too fast and were trying to break/stop him from crashing. I'd like to reach out to more people and read more books (but not buy more books, for the love of God). I'd like to pray more. I want cheese. Like... A lot of cheese. I'd like to diversity my palate is probably what my brain actually meant. I just want to snag the bits of happiness that I can make in this awful disgusting place and put them in a drawer so I have something good to look back on.

This year absolutely sucked. Aside from "everything in the world going on", I lost my grandfather, someone that I loved and one of the people who helped shape the silly and weird person that I am. I fought a losing battle with student loans, barely made it out of my war with unemployment, lost a job in three weeks over nothing (the man literally cited a broken bottle as why I was let go -_- I will eventually forgive, but today is not the day). I just want to have more happiness next year to hold onto than I had this year. That's my ultimate New Years wish.

[The title is a Kung Fu Panda 2 reference. 10/10 recommend, the animation and story are both wonderful.]

I wish to be someone worth loving, worth respecting, someone who my parents could be proud of. I wish to wake up and take control of my life. To reconcile who I am today with who I want to be tomorrow. But today is not the first time I have realised this. It started as a call to action, a desire do something. This urge quickly simmered as before I failed time and time again till it is now reduced to but a desperate plea.

Now just wishing to become a better person is never going to be enough. But it is something which is a whole lot better than nothing. Now I know what it takes and am prepared to put in the work. This wish is a new seed that I have planted for the new year, it is something that will now require nourishment and nutrients. So my wish for the new year is to be able to take care of my wishes and to move forward on my journey of taking an active role in my life.

2024 waved its huge arms at me as mine remained folded. Yet, I had no option but to step into it. I could not afford to be swept away by the rivers of 2023.

Mother would be mad if that happened, given that I am her only daughter. I am the only one she can share her girly gists and conversations with.

My brothers—three troublesome and annoying ones—would not understand a dime of what she was saying, no matter how many times she tried to have her conversations with them.

As I carefully made my way towards the open 2024, one leg in and one leg hanging outside, standing just at the threshold of the year and staring at it with all my fear and trepidation shooting from my eyes, I quietly whispered,

"2024, please don't let me sink my pillows into the rivers of my tears. Please. Just that one thing is what I wish for."

Every new years, I make a list of resolutions.

I often wonder if my resolutions are too difficult.

Can I really run that time for a 5k?

Will I ever be able to gain that much weight?

Can I really fix my sleep schedule...?

Is it even possible to do something so new?

And should I really hit another full year of Duolingo (I've already done two...)?

But other times, I wonder if my resolutions are stupid.

Drink more water... well, duh.

Read that book? I'm going to do that anyways.

Clean the attic? Yeah, I'll just do that now.

It really is hard to find a good balance for a resolution.

But, then I'll look back at my resolution list from last year,

And I see all of my hopes, dreams, and plans,

Both beyond me and stupid.

And I see a pattern:

I somehow, miraculously, manage all the impossible tasks,

But I also miss all the little things.

That's... how it is every year.

You fly.

But you fly away.

And you can't go back.

So, I end up not worrying too much about my resolutions.

I know I'll make all the important ones.

And I know I'll grow.

I'll just cherish what I have on that new years night.

No going back.

And that's also why I've written this whole thing without looking back at what I've written.

No proofreading, no editing.

Not cause I'm lazy at all... deeeefinitely not.

I'm just very sleepy and likely sick.

So go ahead and laugh

Im laughing too

The final Wish,

to wish...

and be done

with

wishful-thinking,..

as empty.

Like kvass

the primer

on the canvas

that which is made

with lasting faith,

as a never-ending

Starter...

For Peace

For Justice

For the line

of work that tolls

with loving strokes

and breaks

our crumbs

into something more

than the wish

that was

01.01.2024

A Wish for the New Year @KarenKitchel

I wish I am allowed to play basketball more.

I wish my heart breaks and then heals.

I wish to have more inspiration.

I wish to have more dumb thoughts.

I wish to better at drawing eyes and mouths.

I wish to be funny.

I wish to be smart.

I hope now

I will be more fearless once again

Taking that leap

Down the rock on the fell run

Without knowing

Where my feet will land

But knowing

I have somehow run it before.

I will not fall.

My feet will not buckle.

I will make it

To the finish line

Every time

No matter which route I take.

It doesn’t go away, even if I wanted it to.

I have a low mood,

I have lost interest in everything I was ever good at,

It has lingered in my life for as long as I can remember.

I cannot sleep; the insomnia is frequent, it tosses and turns me like a boat.

I feel useless,

I feel guilty,

It is unbearable.

I do not know when it will end.

I hope I do not feel this way for ever.

It doesn’t go away, even if I wanted it too.

So my wish is for it to be gone. Maybe I hope I will be too.

(p.s just a poem I am very happy)