My Little Monkey
When I was little, I had a stuffed monkey. He wasn’t anything particularly pretty, like the fancy sock monkeys, but to me, he was special, and I loved him, nonetheless. I am no longer in possession of that little monkey, but I remember him in detail: he was made of soft cotton, small in stature, gray colored with button eyes, wore a smile, and had a thin, long tail. Much like the story of the velveteen rabbit, he was worn thread bare from excessive love and handling, and he slept with me each and every night. Unfortunately, I don’t remember when he disappeared, what became of him, or what he was called, but the memory of him is still very much alive.
One summer, my family and I went on a trip to the mountains. At five years of age, because it didn’t happen very often, I thought staying in a motel was the stuff from which dreams were made – enjoyed by only a few moderately rich people (even though we were more than moderately non-rich). I remember waking up bright and early the first morning during our stay, eager for a day of sightseeing in Maggie Valley, North Carolina. Once my family was ready, I wanted to leave my monkey on the bed, but my mother quickly shunned the idea, saying he could become tangled up in the bed covers and accidentally taken away by the maid; instead, she hid him behind the luggage. When we returned to our room later that day, we found the newly cleaned room and bed waiting for us, with none other than my esteemed, loved monkey sitting front and center against the plumped-up pillows. It was only years later I learned my mother had been embarrassed by the worn, tattered (and likely dirty) monkey and had sought to hide him from the cleaning staff. The maid, however, being the diligent individual she was, had found him, choosing instead to leave him in an honored position, situated in the center of the bed – much to my mother’s mortification.
When my children were young, I often read “The Velveteen Rabbit” to them. Each time I read that story, I was reminded of my beloved monkey. It may be pure, whimsical folly to think it, but I so hope my sweet little, stuffed monkey was so well-loved that he, too, became real, and to this day, he enjoys a full life in some far away, enchanted land filled with plants, fruits. Wherever he is, I am sure he has an abundance of monkey friends and is loved by all.
wuzzy
small cheap stuffed shoe-button bear
gifted by an aunt to celebrate my birth
my first awareness
a soft brown being
as I grew larger
he grew smaller
I'd hold him tight to me at night
he always fit in my arms just right
wuzzy never blamed me when my parents fist swung fighting
my dad stomping out slamming screaming cursing yelling shit
wuzzy never smacked me when breakfast spilt on school shirts
making mommy make me pay beat me silly slap into clean ones
so long ago yet the sound still tense my stomach fist clenching
reaching out to wuzzy who took it all in with his stupid smile
wuzzy absorbed it all
soaked up tons of quiet quivering tears
his coat became chunky knobby nubby
mommy tossed him into the laundromat
he didn't make it
my first constant beloved comforter pal
a useless clump of felted mass wad waste
I looked in the big drum
we never found his eyes
Mamndad ™
my first Toy
was a lively thing
until it wasn't...
don't know if,
it ran out of charge
or, the remote had
just stopped working?
it used to come running
whenever I hollered
half or whole
it used to coo and awe
at random moments,
rolling over, touching toes
it took turns rocking
me to sleep
on various days
of the week
it made me treats
on waking, and fed me
piece...
in creamy spoonfuls,
until milkened honey
was thinly replaced
by formula...
new and old school
miscalculations
stiff parallel talks
in bus or car and
big kid toys...
but I still recall
holding on
loosely
across the too busy street
and the way it waved
from the far side
suddenly
smaller than me
04.05.24
"What was Your first toy?" challenge @AJAY9979
Elephant
What was my first toy?
You'll ask a question. I can't answer.
"My memory is pretty bad, but I remember my childhood favorite," I say, nervous you may not like me already.
"Sure, why not?" I can already tell you're annoyed.
Now, what did I do? Did I make this harder for myself? Do I pick the Elephant or the Cat? The Elephant has a story, but I forgot a lot of it. And does the Cat even count as a childhood toy? I got her when I was in high school.
"I had a stuffed toy elephant I always slept with." I look up, finally looking at you.
"Oh really? What was its name?"
I hesitate. I missed it. "Um... I called it Ellie sometimes... and Sugar sometimes..." I say.
"Well, that's... why two names?" you ask. I can't answer.
"I don't know, I was a kid," I say.
"You don't know?" you say. I feel defeated by the simple question already.
"I don't know," I repeat back.
"Oh, okay. Well, mine was a teddy bear I'd always sleep with. I called him Bobo, and I used to take him everywhere I went and always accidentally got him dirty. This one time, I took him out to recess, and my mom was furious when I came home all muddy and had to wash the teddy cause I was crying about how Bobo was all muddy cause he was a white teddy bear." you say. But you don't stop there. You keep talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and —
I smile, listening. This isn’t so bad.
Teddy Bear
Brown, slightly lumpy
My oldest friend
With one leg longer than the other
My aunt sewed her
And presented my bear to me
On the day I was born
(Or so my mother told me)
Her musty fur is soft
And has been soaked with many tears
Breakups, disappointments, sadness
Fearful tears when my parents shouted
Her round ears hold all my secrets
All my confessions
All my pride and shame
And yet, I have never disappointed her
That curved smile is always there
Sewed onto her kind brown face
Rain, hail, shine
Whether I squeeze her in a fierce hug
Or throw her against the wall
Her steady eyes always stare
With love and understanding
One day, my brother tore off her arm
He laughed and pretended
Her arm was a poop
I cried and screamed at him
He couldn't understand what he'd done
How he'd hurt her
How that hurt me
But my teddy understood
She sat quietly as I threaded the needle
And sewed her back together
Her arm was never the same
Pinned to her side with jagged black stitches
No longer able to rotate
But she never complained
Her smile never waivered
Her eyes held no recrimination
When I went overseas, I stored her
Packed into a cardboard box
No room in my backpack for my oldest friend
And she's waiting still
I hadn't thought of her in months
And now my arms itch
To draw her into a fierce embrace
To once again soak that fur with my tears
To feel that rare feeling
The one friend who I will never disappoint
Who will never think I have let them down
No matter how long they have waited
Crammed in a dark cardboard box
Starved for air and light
I know that when I pull her out
Her smile will be just as bright
Her eyes just as understanding
So blessed am I
To have an aunt who sewed
Her love into a teddy bear
A bear for no-one else but me
Marbie Not Barbie
Vera was standing at the register with her family, as her husband paid the bill.
They had just finished a barbeque rib and corn on the cob dinner at the local restaurant, when Vera’s husband handed her a toothpick.
The bill was paid so the family walked out to the parking lot and got in their car. Driving home Vera was silent, still holding her toothpick. The kids were talking among themselves and Dave, her husband, was listening to the news on the radio.
Vera looked down at the toothpick in her hand and it took her back to a time as a young child in a foster home. The memory was engraved in her mind like it was just yesterday. Vera found herself, mentally leaving the current car ride and she found herself back in the small bedroom of her foster home.
It was Vera’s third foster home, with a mom, dad and their biological daughter named Judy, who was the same age as Vera. The parents thought having another girl their daughter's age would keep her company.
On the second day there, Judy barged into Vera’s room and grabbed the Marbie doll that Vera was playing with on her bed. Vera stood up and said, “give her back!”
The foster mom came to the open door and asked, “what’s going on here?”
Judy said, “she took my Marbie and I am taking it back!”
Vera said, “that’s my Marbie doll, I got it from a fire station a long time ago. It’s mine.”
The foster mom said, “Please don't tell lies in front of my daughter, you will teach her bad habits,”
Vera said, “I’m not lying, it's mine. The fire dept had a party for foster kids and they gave her to me.”
The mom said sternly looking at Vera, “We can’t have you stealing from us while you are here, do you understand me?”
Vera didn't say anything but watched Judy walk out of the bedroom with Vera’s Marbie and the foster mom said to Judy, “we have to be nice to Vera, she doesn’t know how to live with a normal family’ and then she shut the door.
Vera was heartbroken. She had always put Marbie to bed with her and they would talk until Vera fell asleep. Vera knew she would not be able to sleep without Marbie.
Vera sat on the bed staring at the floor, then she noticed a toothpick on the carpet, Vera bent down and picked it up.
Vera said looking closely at the toothpick, “well hello my friend Marbie!”
Marbie said “hi Vera!”
Vera looked around on the carpet and saw a crumpled silver gum wrapper and a small piece of red fabric. She bent down and picked them up.
She walked over and laid down on her bed and pulled the blanket up around her, positioning her blanket to make a small cave and then Vera laid down her 3 items inside the cave.
Vera asked Marbie “Are you ready for bed?”
Vera imagined her response in her head, “Yes, I’m so tired”.
Vera propped Marbie up next to the opening of the cave as she smoothed out the silver gum wrapper very gently.
Vera heard Marbie ask “is it going to rain today?”
Vera answered Marble Inside of her head, “Indeed Marbie it’s definitely going to rain and be very cold tonight. That’s why I am creating a little bedroom for you to sleep in!”
Marbie said, “my very own bedroom! How grand!”
Vera smiled looking at Marbie, “that’s what friends are for!”
Marbie smiled back and said, “you are definitely my best friend Vera”.
After smoothing out the gum wrapper, Vera set it down inside Marbie’s bedroom created with her blanket.
Vera picked up Marbie, “I am terribly sorry Marbie, I hope it doesn’t hurt when I pick you up, you are so skinny.”
Marbie said, “not at all!”
That made Vera smile, “good! Because I’d never ever want to hurt you!”
Vera laid Marbie down on the silver gum wrapper mattress. Then she took the small bit of red cloth and covered Marbie.
Vera said, “it’s time to go to sleep. I hope you’ll be all warm and snuggly tonight.”
Marbie said, “thank you for taking such good care of me!”
Vera said, “Of course! That’s what friends do for each other!”
Marbie said “goodnight.”
Vera tapped gently on Marbie's red blanket, and said, "goodnight .”
Vera laid down and pulled a corner of the blanket over her. It was definitely not enough blanket to cover even half of Vera’s body, but she did not want to disturb Marbie's bedroom.
Vera laid there trying to sleep. It was only 7 PM and it was still daylight outside. She wasn’t even tired.
Vera lifted her head and whispered, “ are you still awake Marbie?”
Marbie said, “But of course my wonderful friend!”
Vera asked, “would you like to dance?”
Marbie said, “Yes of course! What a grand idea!”
Vera gently pulled off Marbie’s little red blanket and stood her up on the white bedsheet.
Vera started humming inside her head as she moved Marbie around to the music that could only be heard by Marbie and Vera.
Marbie said, “you are such a divine dancer Vera! Where did you learn ballroom dancing?”
Vera said, “I don’t know” and giggled.
Suddenly it started to rain! Vera moved Marbie back inside her room quickly, under the canopy of Vera’s blanket.
The rain was coming down hard and it was getting cold! Vera was concerned about Marbie.
“I’m going to have to make you a fire, you’ll freeze tonight!” Said Vera. “I’ll be right back!”
Vera checked the walls of Marbie's bedroom, making sure the walls would not collapse when she got out of bed.
Vera made a few adjustments to her blanket and then got out of bed. She tiptoed over to the small desk in her bedroom.
Vera picked up the handle with 2 fingers very gently and pulled the drawer open. Then she set the handle back down against the drawer very quietly. She didn’t want to make any noise.
Vera looked inside the drawer for something to make a fire with, Vera saw a pink eraser, some plain white lined paper, a few pencils and a ruler. Vera grabbed the ruler and then looked around the room for more items.
Her room was pretty empty, it only had the barest of necessities. A bed, a desk, and a few clothes hung in the closet.
Vera looked down inside the trashcan and there was a hairball from her hairbrush!
Vera grabbed it and headed back to her play area and Marbie.
Vera told Marbie, “I found something to make you a fire with, so you won’t be cold.”
Marbie said, “How splendid!”
Vera put the hairball down outside Marbie’s bedroom but then she realized that wasn’t going to do at all! It was still raining, and it would be impossible to have a fire in the rain.
Vera said to Marbie, “Looks like I will have to adjust your room to make a bigger ceiling for you.”
Marbie seemed concerned, “why is that?”
Vera replied, “Well, you need a fire to keep you warm, but I can’t be out in the rain so if I make your ceiling taller than the walls of your bedroom, you can still have a fire.”
Marbie said, “You are absolutely correct and such a genius!!”
Vera picked up Marbie and moved her away from the blanket, then Vera took the ruler and placed it under the blanket, making the ceiling extra tall. It looked a little bit like the opening of a teepee.
Vera laid back and admired her new creation. It was a bit bigger than what she had hoped for and it wasn’t as cozy anymore.
Just then, her bedroom door flung open, and there Judy was!l
Judy marched into the bedroom and said, “you are supposed to be asleep!”
Judy came to the side of Vera’s bed and looked at the little tent that Vera had made.
Judy leaned over and snatched the ruler, “this is mine too!”
Vera didn’t say anything as Judy walked towards the door with the ruler. Judy paused before leaving and said, “I’m telling my mom that you stole my ruler and that you aren’t asleep! You are going to be in so much trouble! We may even have to call your social worker!”
On that note, Judy slammed the door closed.
Vera looked at Marbie’s bedroom, it was destroyed.
Suddenly Vera realized Marbie was somewhere in her blanket and she couldn’t see her anywhere!
Vera jumped out of bed and started looking for her play items.
She found the hairball, the small red cloth, and the gum wrapper, but she was still hunting for Marbie when her bedroom door opened again.
Vera’s foster mother stood there, “ Judy just told me that you are not asleep. Now I find you out of bed. If you are going to live in our house, you have to follow the rules.”
Vera just stood there next to her bed holding her play items.
The foster mom looked at Vera‘s hands and realized she had something. The mom entered the room and walked up to Vera and said, “Let me see what you have!”
Vera opened her hands flat exposing the 3 items.
The foster mom said, “throw that trash away and get back into bed and stay there. You are supposed to be in bed!”
The foster mom said as she walked towards the door, “ we have rules in this house for a reason. If you don’t follow them, I will have your social worker pick you up. "Then she shut the door behind her.
Vera frantically hunted for Marbie, she pulled the blanket off the bed and shook it. There she was laying on the sheet!
Vera hugged Marbie and said, “I’m so glad I found you!”
Vera laid back down and re-did Marbie’s bedroom and bed. Then she placed Marbie back in her bed with her red blanket.
Vera looked closely at Marbie “I hope you didn’t get hurt when I tossed the blanket.”
Marbie said, “not at all!!”
Vera smiled and said, “good!”
Vera placed the hairball right next to Marbie’s bed and said to her, “ the fire might be a little close to your bed, but I’ll keep an eye on it and make sure it doesn’t get out of control. “
Marbie smuggled down in her gum wrapper bed and said, “goodnight my best friend. I love you.”
Vera smiled and said, “goodnight friend, I love you too.”
The garage door opened and Vera snapped back to the current world, her husband said, “you were awfully quiet on the car ride home, are you ok?”.
Vera said, “oh, yes. I’m fine. I was just thinking.’
Vera walked into the house and walked up to the living room mantel and stood her toothpick up against a vase of fake flowers in the middle of the mantel and said, “I missed you Marbie, my very first toy. Most people have stuffies, but not me. I love you.”
A teddy bear, I guess. A big one, bigger than me actually, with thin and coarse brown fur. Not fluffy at all. It always felt cold. I didn't hug him very often. I was more content with having him sitting in a corner, strong and quiet, guarding me at night. I gave him one of my nicer toy cars once to appease any feeling of being used. I was afraid I'd lose my only friend. Go figure.
“A Chucky toy, the bearer of the killer’s soul.
I can remember the day I received a precious gift of fear. A fear unknown to the child's mind inside of me, a tingling sensation of goosebumps running down my arms to my feet. The darkness of a Saturday night devoured my room as I sat in the loneliness of the darkness. My heart started pounding, faster than I had experienced running the little marathon at school. My scream held itself captive inside my lungs as the fast breaths I was taking guarded any sound from escaping. Tears rolled down my cheeks, landing on my chin, and finally dripping onto my knees, forming wet drops on my shorts. It was a hot summer, the heat of the sun that had gone down a few hours ago still lingering on the sides of my room, making it hard not to sweat. Or was it the fear that caused those little drops of sweat to refuse to mix with the tears on my shorts?
With the eyes of a child, the arrogance that kept me alive that night, the bet I had made my biggest regret, never to be weak, never to be scared, the self-taught bravery that I smeared all over my expressions, I gazed into the red-like screen as Chucky pulled one of his knives and presented it to his victims with a heavy grin on his face. The next scene of the knife was a bloody terror shown through the filter of his victims eyes. The shock prevented my eyes from looking away, suddenly consciousness logged out and I went to sleep, promising myself in a calming manner to never be brave again.
I can remember the day I received a precious gift of fear, my cousin with a smile on his face handed me the Chucky toy, the bearer of the killer's soul.
Goldie
A golden retriever stuffed animal I named Goldie (how creative of me). I think he was a boy, it was so long ago I can't remember.
I loved Goldie, and I would have held onto him forever (even if it could have been unhealthy). He accidentally got put into a donation bag, and my mom either wouldn't let me open the bag or the bag was already gone (probably the latter, but my child brain was so mad at her at the time that I probably villainized her a bit).
I'm still bitter at how we parted. I miss Goldie.