the pain of an unbroken heart
you've always been a cocoon to me
and I know it's foolish
to wrap one's self up in
another with broken wings
but the way your feathers felt
all around me
wasn't something I could sacrifice
for safety
how could I have known
your barbed wire underbelly
would swallow me whole
with angry words and broken promises
how could I have known
butterflies don't emerge
from the talons of a sparrow
no matter how soft
the killer sings
The Trap of Everyday Boredom
How I hate you. You creep in at every stopped moment. You infect me with the tiredness of routine. Because of you, I desperately yearn for a change. With every day the same, I crave adventure. With you in my head, I no longer care. Until schedule breaks and I am given the bravery of rebellion, I know it will not change. So let me find the day. A day free of this retched boredom.
Closed off
You may believe that you are closed off
A wheel that cannot be broken
Nor rebound the call of the waves in its hallow conches
But until you wallow in your own darkest desires
Yet still spend each day standing like a mountain
You do not know closed off
Until you weep your nights in pain, for the one who has forgotten your name,
But still to then you act okay
And smile and pretend everything is the same
You do not know closed off
Until you have to fight each day and night to be yourself
No one else
And beat away those who pry
You do not know closed off
Until you watch each and everyone you love slowly dir, on the inside and the out,
You do not know closed off
Until you want to raise your hands in the air and scream and shout and throw all you shit about !
You do not know closed off
Until you watch your own life slipping down the drain,
Stained with blood from all your pain,
You do not know closed off.
Until each time you look into his eyes, and see only lies,
You do not know closed off
Until each breath you take is filled with longing,
You do not know closed off
Until you look at the sky,
And see no stars,
Only the pattern of his face,
You do not know closed off
Until you can stand in a crowded hall
And think only of when you'll catch a gilmps of him
You do not know closed off
Until each beat of your heart hurts from the weight of simply being alive,
You do not know closed off
Until the pages of your book have turned blank before your eyes,
And every word you write is a black blob,
You do not know closed off
Until you spend each day as the best friend of the boy you love,
But never getting closer
Because he's already checked you off his list
You do not know closed off
Until you sit beside the highway at 2 am. Full of despare and only wishing to be alone and loose yourself,
You do not know closed off
Until you spend each night lying awake until 2am and toss and turn until finally drifting off to the haunt of a broken smile,
You do not know closed off
Until each moment you wait for him
And until when your alone your mind thinks only of him
And until your sleepless nights are plaguing you days
And until you sitting on the kitchen floor music loud enough for your ears to bleed
And until your throwing things across the room, tears streaming down your face
Until you curl up in a ball, trying to cover the whole in the middle of you that they used to fill,
You do not know closed off
And you sure as hell don't know me
Pain Is Unceasing
Pain. My life has had several kinds of pain. There was the pain as a child, the kind of pain that came from a paper cut or scraping my knee. Then there was the pain of abandonment, from my father, my grandparents, and at times, my older brothers. Then there was the pain of my first love. I gave my heart to the wrong person, who didn't ask for it, who didn't want it, and who definitely didn't handle it with care.
There was the physical pain of self harm. But even worse was the emotional pain that came from cutting myself. In the last six months, I've experienced pain unlike anything I had known before. I've experienced the pain of loving someone and having their parent constantly try to trash that. I've experienced the pain of my first loved one passing away. I've experienced the constant pain of not having closure about that death and the pain of having to watch as their spouse continues to disrespect them, even in death. I've experienced the pain of watching someone I loved change before me and cave into their controlling and narcissistic mother.
I've experienced the pain of losing a relationship with the boy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I've experienced the pain of mourning that relationship. I've experienced the pain of trying to move on in a small town. I've experienced the pain of seeing an ex move on, which hurts, even if you're not together anymore.
Pain is no stranger to me. I've known pain well, but still not as well as some.
I’m Afraid That Tomorrow Is Just Too Far Away.
I remember you begging me not to do it, promising how things would be okay. You told me to think about my brother, who depends on me, my family and my friends. You asked me why would I want to do something so selfish. You made me promise, as you cleaned up the blood and began to wrap my wounds, to not do it. Seeing the hurt and desperation in your eyes, I agreed. But things have changed. My heart is broken, there's a constant war raging within my own head, my soul has grown numb, and you're not here. You left me here, all alone, in this hell of a nightmare. You're in Heaven, so why can't I join you? I want peace, too. So with these colorful, magical pills and this blade, I will soon see you in Heaven. Make sure to save me a seat, now.
Maggots
There are tiny little white pests in my chest
feeding on my decomposing flesh
I fall apart when I think of you.
I taste liquid iron on my tongue
coughing up memories that only make
the maggots eat away at my heart.
It's beyond compare; irreplaceable!
they crawl in and out my heart, chewing away
at whatever I have left because love has already gone.
Betrayal
Guess you enjoy picking the scabs off old wounds so callously
Just when I though we had a chance to repair the damage that she did to us, you have made me a fool of love again
Why did you come back to me after all these weeks, while I languish in your waiting room for one last chance?
So like a starving cur I thought myself gushing at the chance to win your favor again
Why did you seduce me? Did you feel sorry for me out of pity?
Did you feel were giving to some kind of fuzzy feel good sexual charity, to help out a poor fool in a troubled marriage?
Now you will be the one in my waiting room