Thank you for asking

Nobody ever does

They've all just assumed

That this is my normal face

That the somber mood radiating from me

Is just the normal me

I guess I can't blame them

It's been this way for awhile…

But wouldn't it be great

If when someone /did/ ask

People wouldn't jump in and say

"He's always like this"

So maybe

Just maybe

I can actually tell someone I'm hurting?

I’m okay at least

52% of the time.

I suppose that’s not optimal.

Still failing, that,

and not even enough to snicker at

in a little blip of immaturity.

But it’s a majority,

and that has to count for something

because just last month,

I couldn’t even remember my name

for my problems. And I couldn’t

remember my problems for the lies.

Oh there was so much wrong,

but there wasn’t. Not really.

Just the one: that I couldn’t find it

within myself to be alive,

that everything seemed unnecessary,

like struggling was pointless and happiness

(because I’m sure there was some of that

even if I got so, so low)

did nothing to help.

But.

I’m better now.

Or getting there.

Am I doing okay? AM I DOING OKAY?

I don't know,

I'll have to ask myself. Excuse me.

HEY, ME! HOW YA DOING?

....

WHAT? REALLY?

He says I'm going insane.

"I'm fine!"

no.

"Thanks for asking."

i feel guilty for existing.

"Things are going really well."

i should be happy but i'm not.

"I haven't seen you for awhile, I've been really busy."

i dont want you to see me this way.

"Well, busy procrastinating."

i havent been able to do the things expected of me.

"You know the feeling? At least the weather has been nice."

i called a prevention lifeline three times last night.

"Just the other day I saw a great blue heron fly over head."

i hung up before anyone answered.

"And the leaves are growing on the tree's too! Spring is here!"

im afraid if i tell you ill become a burden.

"I mean last night it didn't get dark until at least eight o'clock."

or that ill come off as melodramatic.

"And have you heard the frogs at night? I swear it's like a tiny opera."

i really need help but i dont know how to ask.

"I could do with less mud though."

i dont want to hurt anymore.

"Anyway, how are you?"

im not okay.

Do you ask out of concern or just out of pleasantry? I'm the type that fares fine in times of great success and shows enough resiliency to not sink during tumultuous tide. Am I okay? Sure. Am I better? Maybe. Am I worse? Maybe. I continue to keep the same feeling around generally. I'm never overly happy and I'm never burned to a crisp by my sadness.

Am I okay? I can't afford not to be.

In homage to my misery and thinking that it will erase the pain I tried the cliché things in life. I tried to drink alcohol and party all night to forget about what I had recently lost, love, and smoke my head off. People try their hardest to turn to things that will make it all better but in reality you aren't turning to anything.

In being drunk and being high I learnt that it isn't going to make life easier. If I lean on alcohol I will become a binge bawling alcoholic who can't function and will stink (disapproving).

I could go roll the fattest blunt on Earth and think that I am going to be okay but this will only lead me to being a crack head if I grow a dependency.

Truth be told, I probably would've had more fun if I wasn't using them for the wrong purpose. Now, my lesson to everyone else is simply this, don't do what I did. All you need to do is simply know that time will heal all things. To answer your question, no, I'm not doing okay, I'm hanging in there.