wounds
Being with you was like walking on shards of glass.
When I fell for you they dug into my shoulders, into my hands and back, but I was still numb from your kiss.
Your touch was pain medication, your love a drug,
But the ache of the razors under my skin still shot through my nerves.
Pulling away from you was like ripping a page out of an old notebook,
The frayed edges still remained and the gap in the writing could never be perfectly fixed.
It has been years since we last spoke, but I still remember how your voice rivaled a songbird,
How your arms wrapped around me until I felt better.
Your touch was pain medication, your love a drug,
And without you, the pain hasn't gone.
Better for Us Both
I regret leaving,
I truly do.
But perhaps being apart,
Will be better for me and you.
I'm not worthy
Of your unending love,
Which I take for granted.
I don't want your trust
When I have broken it
So many times.
It appears as though
You're reaching
Across a chasm
Of my own making,
When I deem myself
Unworthy of your adoration.
You're too perfect
To love one such as I,
And you deserve
A better, loving half.
But I know,
I won't regret the time
We had together,
I'll only regret
Having to leave you and
All of our memories.
Without You
I was half way through my 5th beer
When I understood why your weren't here
After the lonely nights
Drunkin’ bar fights
Surprised I had you up till now
Don’t know why you stayed yet somehow
I knew, it was all to good to be true
Never hoped to be away from you
Thought I had it all
But I had nothing and am only waiting for your call
But my phone ain’t ringing and you ain’t coming back
My Choice
A warm autumnal day long ago
I broke free of my familial jail
Took a long ride north to where my adulthood sat waiting
It was a quiet ride,
One filled with questions and concerns
I must have answered but mostly I remember sitting there thinking:
Do Not Cry.
This is what YOU want.
Time to grow up.
I took so little with me.
I wasn't allowed a car or a phone.
And I wasn't allowed to come home until Thanksgiving break.
For years I bitterly looked back on that day as a memory of how much my parents wanted me gone. Which has always been true of my mother.
But my Dad, he was stoic. He didn't let me see him cry. And he's man enough now that I have kids to have told me it was the worst day of his life. I regret leaving him behind. He's a good man. I just can't live with her and deal with her shit, so I left. He doesn't blame me....but does miss me and my family.
You and I
I walked out.
You stood and watched.
I wanted you to stop me.
You didn't.
I looked back.
You wouldn't meet my eyes.
I cried .
You cried.
I wanted you to take me back.
You wanted me to come back.
I couldn't move on.
You wouldn't move on.
I was alone.
You were alone.
I wished our story didn't have to end.
You knew it was over.
I relived our journey.
You moved on to the next chapter.
I was sad but,
You were finally happy
pain fades, regret endures
I wronged a girl who didn't deserve it,
The first one to show affection for me;
I lit a flame but didn't preserve it,
'Twas snuffed by artificiality.
I set her free, giving her half a lie,
Forcing half into my own shallow brain.
Saying I liked her too much so goodbye.
Hoping the shame I felt outweighed her pain.
The regret comes up too many a-day,
Often as I reflect on past mistakes.
I've thought about ev'ry step of the way,
Honestly, honesty's all that it takes.
I was selfish, shallow, and immature;
I suppose I might be some of those still.
I try to be better, yet I'm unsure,
Can I fix what I've done with what I will?
Courts are not balanced
So long ago
You were so precious
and sweet.
You were the loveliest
girl a mother could meet.
I fought for you!
I argued for you!
I never wanted to let you go. T
But really in the end, I had no say so.
I wanted you with me and your brothers,
I worried so much,
Who would be taking care of you?
Who would see you smile or feel your touch.
My sweet baby I died the day you had to go.
The courts had there say
your parents had their day
and we were no longer a family.
I love you to this day!
Jaime
You did not one thing wrong
Reaching out again for me as I
Backed away as might an animal
Wounded, angry and defensive
But you did not make the wounds
Did not render me so very afraid
Of any of the many things
That I feared more than I loved
Comfortable in my paranoia
The safety you offered was foreign
Feeling as a snake might coiling
Around my legs to bind me
My past defined our shared future
Which is to say that I allowed it
To destroy any love we might
Have made a foundation for more
The truth is I left out of fear
In vain you struggled nobly to save
A man irreparably and intensely shattered
Infinitely undeserving of you
It is a mark of the purity of your heart
A heart composed of warmth
That you have somehow managed
To think any of it your fault
Self
Wrong stop.
It didn't have to be inevitable;
we're both to blame for this mess,
but it's a hard pill to swallow
when you realize that
you left your soul on a playground
and forgot how to sing
or what you really look like
underneath the grime and dinge,
how the last time you felt yourself
was when your swing wasn't in a dumpster
and your house wasn't charred
and all the flowers still bloomed
in your old backyard
and you knew who you were
what you wanted
even where you needed to go
yet somehow you forgot that
and you didn't know
what your name meant anymore
but things don't have to stay forgotten
not all memories are put to rest
and the real me, or you, was still
beating in my chest
waiting for the day you'd search
for her again
and for your name to light up
a room like only you can.