in the wake of our discussion,

we hurl insults like grenades,

like bomb vessels bursting, a

face-off at opposite corners

of the room, and rage rends

the air, lends the atmosphere

a note of storms clawing at

our beached bodies, a volley

of venomous spray, when you

tell me that everything i do is

mediocre and i retaliate with

the observation that nobody

likes you, you are friendless

and alone, always, then you

scream, you stupid cunt! and

the windows shudder with the

volume of our passing—please,

love, don't remember this, i

walk

towards you now,

closer and closer

with my mouth hanging open,

my mouth is a black hole

growing,

a maelstrom that

shatters my face apart, 

a hole from

which

my howl

emerges

coming up to

find you,

grind you, it rises

from the crouched ladder of

my skeleton,

a furious noise

obliterating everything,

it swallows up

     your voice

                     and erases

                                     your words 

“I am sure that you must remember the pools of blood on the floor after I killed him,” he snarled.

I watched in fear as his evil countenance seemed to mutate with a life of its own as his lips curled, ejecting a wad of sputum. “No, no, I don’t remember this at all. Please, I won’t tell anyone because I was sound asleep upstairs.” I cringed in my corner covered in the blood of our landlord. “Daddy, please, I didn’t see anything! I know it was just a nightmare.”

But Daddy took menacing steps towards me, holding the ax above his head. I could see that he was completely out of his mind as he laughed a wicked laugh. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend this was not happening. As he advanced, I heard a sloshing sound a few seconds before I felt his entire body weight on top of me. I felt my body to make sure I was still alive and was astounded to see my Daddy had the ax completely buried in his head. Apparently in his drunken stupor, he had slipped on the blood, landing on the ax with his head slightly to the side of me. I cried, as I attempted again and again to push the dead weight of his body off of me.

The next thing I knew was when the authorities pried him off of me, swooped me up and took me to the hospital. And that is where I am now, in a locked ward with other unfortunate human beings. “Please, don’t make me remember,” I beg the doctors. I must always remain seven years old in my safe little world away from the pain of the past. It is so quiet and peaceful in my small room that I can’t hear or see anything at all.

I could drug you

just slip one in your drink

it dissolve, sizzle, pop

and down, down, down,

your throat it goes

and you'd smile at me

eye twitching ever so slightly

feeling that surge of arousal deep down

that disorientation

that unintended confusion

please don't remember this

they way we danced as you fell in sync

music pounding in our ears,

hearts quaking

and down that alley, we laughed together

your eyes blown wide as you writhed in Asmodeus's lap

against your will, and you didn't even know it,

know how your hips crashed against mine

and how chapped your lips were

and how your nails dug down my back

chipping the skin that you wouldn't know later

when you're finally asleep, I'll drop you off somewhere

because you won't recall my face

but you might remember how good it felt, Mammon,

drowning in fizzy liquor

choking on sin

©SelfTitled, 2017

she danced the waltz with suicide

she twirled up the stairs  in her gown 

her lips blushed with flushed feelings that she prepared to douse in gasoline and a bullet 

her eyes blackened with sorrow and pain 

her skin warm from his touches 

her hair a mess from midnight decisions 

her hands pinky promised with words 

she cared not to keep 

her heart burst and aflame with love

her dress laced inwoven with the memories of the ball 

her breast pooling over a sweetheart neckline 

chiffon bottom 

ruffled waist 

dusted in the sparkles from the scent of him 

the clock struck twelve 

and the magic 

had faded 

and the story 

was wrapped 

in an aged book 

and 

she 

ascended 

gracefully 

into 

her 

room 

and 

looked 

back 

at 

the 

ghost 

of 

the one 

she loved 

and 

said 

tonight 

we 

meet 

in 

heaven 

she 

into 

the 

lost 

eyes 

of 

her soul 

and 

said 

please 

don't 

remember 

this 

and 

she 

slide 

the 

gun 

from 

under

her 

skirt 

and 

pushed 

the 

gun 

to 

her 

and 

pushed 

play to 

Tchaikovsky's

(once upon a dream )

I know you,

I walked with you once upon a dream

I know you,

The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam

Yet I know its true

That visions are seldom all they seem

But if i know you

I know what you'll do

You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream.

Once upon a night,

I dreamed we'd be together

In love forever.

Once upon a night,

I was wishing for a never,

A never ending.

 for this was just a dream, and tonight was just a dance, she  laid on on her bed and fired a shot through her brain

please  don't  remember this , rember how I made  you feel 

Please don't remember this

this love for you that consumed me

this love for you that haunts me still

that I worshiped every word you lied

or the thousands of sweet nothings

that really were nothing

Please don't remember this

the sound of my voice as I told you I loved you

the sound of me on my knees as you left

the feelings of raw hurt as you walked out the door

or the warmth of my embrace

that clings on to the cold

Please don't remember this

the words of a fool in love

the words of love falling on deaf ears

the sight of you as your first kissed me

or the sight of you as you left 

me shattered

Please don't remember this

Sitting outside

Alone

School let out hours ago

And you've been waiting

I got here as soon as I could 

Please don't remember this

Heat baking us both

Stuck on the side of the road

Barely working car

Finally done in

Please don't remember this

Rubbing tired eyes

Early,

Early

In the morning

Up at 4 

To catch the bus

Please don't remember this

A can of spaghettios

Split between us

You're hungry

I am too

And this is all I have to offer

Dear nameless one,

I cannot even write your initials because your initials are what we all called you. Even your first initial is too recognizable, and after five years of being deprived of your beautiful face I find that even now I would like to forget if only to relieve the annoying gnaw and hum at the back of my mind that won't forget you.

You were my first love. That sounds cliché but I really thought that against all the odds we were meant to be together. We liked similar things, we got similar grades and we took the same classes. To me we were equal. I know that to everyone else and even yourself we weren't. Knowing this I persevered. Some could say I was borderline stalking you. I cannot deny that I scoured your facebook to learn more about you because god forbid I talk to you without a reason at school.

I started listening to the Strokes so that we could talk about music together. That was a sweet time in my life. I'd listen to a song and then tell you I liked it; it felt like we were having a regular conversation. Your locker was near mine, one year in highschool and you told me you liked my coat. I was glad.

When we took the course in Italy I basically threw myself at you. I shudder to think how ridiculous I must have looked or what people were saying about me.

One day I did hear what some people had to say "What makes her think she's so special, everyone likes *insert name*"

You were very handsome and a model but again to me I thought we were similar and not because I adopted some of your music. You probably knew I liked you. I didn't know infatuation could be so intense.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell you "I liked you" to get it out of my system. That won't happen now.

In university I saw you a couple of times. The last time I saw you I didn't say anything because you were with a girl who semi-bullied me in highschool. The joke is on me. I should have just said something because I saw her recently and she talked to me warmly like we were friends.

Back in High School I thought that somehow, like in a fairytale, you would come to your senses and know that I was the one for you. It would be just like in the fairytales: I, the not so pretty Cinderella and you, the not so chivalrous prince. 

On the plane ride to Italy I was sitting by myself with a stranger and you said if anyone was being mean to me that you'd beat them up. I appreciated that more than you could know. I wish I knew how you felt. All these memories are taking up valuable memory space in my brain. 

It probably wouldn't have worked even if I wanted it to... 

But inside I wish I could just tell you.

Just once. 

Sincerely,

CR

The only time

I bothered to speak

To you

But barely at all

My bumbling self

Words that are lodged

Inside my brain

And have considerable

Difficulty getting out

Cheeks aflame

A stutter

A mutter

I come across as

Cold

Uncaring

Shy

Yet confident

All at the same time

Please remember this

This...

Conversation?

Please don't.

All I did

Was question

And poke fun at

You

A stranger

The only two times

I've ever spoken to you

Twice

For that matter

I'm pleased

I spoke to

A new person

But at the same time

Ashamed

For I took a risk

And I want to know

How I am now seen

Cold?

Distant?

Uncaring?

Apathetic?

Ignorant?

I just don't know

How to act

Speak

Appear

I'm awkward

Self conscious

Peculiar

An acquired taste

Please don't remember this

But please do

I've made a fool

Of myself

But at least I made

An attempt

I want you to remember this

That we talked

But I don't want you to remember

This

Me

Being

Me

Just...

Pretend I was great

Not just

Oddly there

On second thought...

It's not worth it

Please don't remember this.

Please...

Please don't remember this. 

No 

I think you should remember this. 

There are things I want to say 

Every time I am with you I may

But no 

I should not 

You are their angel in disguise

You know not how to say no 

And that, that was your demise 

Because of that your true color they'd never know. 

You 

You are full of secrets and lies

While the others

Theirs are your weapon

Yeah

You are two faced snake 

Hiding behind your innocent face 

Your sweet smiles 

I?

I look like a beast to anyone who doesn't want me.  

Why would they hate me 

For being real

Oh yeah there's you 

You live in lies 

You try everyone to believe you

you convince everyone even your self 

Tell you what. Your actions, 

Your body language tells me otherwise