Stand tall baby. Don’t back down, stand up for what you believe in. Do what makes you happy. But most of all don’t fight what’s really you. You are not broken, you do not need to be fixed. Don’t let society tell you different being gay isn’t bad. I’m not saying you have to tell everyone I’m just saying be yourself because you’re amazing, this isn’t going to defy who you are. You’re not going to be known as the ‘gay one’, you are creative, sweet, you have a heart so big that you let everyone break, yet you don’t act as if it’s broken. Don’t listen to your father he isn’t a good man. Emotions are not weakness. I know you’re going to start standing up to him soon and it’s going to be scary but stand strong, stand tall. We need to show the younger ones how to stand up for ourselves and for others. We need to be strong for them. It’s a lot to take on and it’s going to hurt later on but for them you’ll do it over and over again because that’s what we do. We protect the ones who can’t protect themselves yet, we protect them the way we wish we were protected. It’s time to take the title Heda now. You may only be 14 but you are strong. You already have been strong for so long. Let’s show how strong you really are. Just know I’m proud of you.

Let me be straight. I'm you ten years from now. I know what you’re thinking. You're thinking that you've officially gone crazy. Well maybe, but deal with it later, I only have a few minutes. Being you, I also know how you're feeling today, and almost everyday since we can't remember.

And it sucks!

I guess I have to give you a pep talk but I can’t lie and tell you that everything's gonna be okay. I have an issue with honesty since a few years back. You can call it a defining moment. Since then I’m trying as much as possible not to lie. I won’t tell you what happened. I don’t want you to risk messing up where I am right now by trying to change things. Butterfly effect and all… I have to be careful and not give too much details.

So here’s my pep-ish-talk:

Your life is about to suck more and more the next few years. Starting next summer actually. I know it’s not really hopeful. But it’s okay in the end. I’m here talking to you aren’t I. It’s actually a good thing. These events that will happen to you have made me stronger. I know it sounds like one of those stupid adage but it’s true.

You know how you stay alone all the time because you think you’re not good enough for the world or not interesting enough to be worth having as a friend? Well, guess what. I have friends now. Good friends. Some I can even start to call old friends. They will help you just by being at your side and you’ll do the same for them.

And our siblings, especially our sister. Right now you’re barely talking to each other and when you do it’s mostly yelling. You think she doesn’t love you and is ashamed of you. You couldn’t be more wrong. We’re closer than ever. Don’t get me wrong, we still end up screaming at each other from time to time. It’s in our blood.

I could continue and tell you about my job and what you did after high school but it’s not what matter most. We’ve always known that school was the only thing that made sense in our life so you’ll figure that out yourself.

I conclusion, you’re life is gonna get worse, then it’s gonna get better. Not perfect, but from where you are now it’s almost like it. So just hang on. I already know that you’re smart enough not to kill yourself so that’s good.

I think I can make a small exception and tell you something concrete about the future before I go. You know you favorite rap group? The one that just (or is going to, in that case sorry for the spoiler) split this year. They get back together ten years from now. That only, is worth the wait!

One last advice: during the next ten years, work on your pep talk skills. This one sucked!

I want to start off by saying that I'm sorry.

Life is rough right now for you, but it's ok. Mom and dad love you and will always love you. You are picked on and feel like dying right now. I know what is in your head. I want you to know that it will get better. Yes, life has a few bumps, but you are about to go back up and go up for a long time. I can't tell you life is going to be perfect, because I think we can both agree we've lied to ourself enough.

Remember that you are loved and everything is going to be okay.

You'll make it kid.

Oh my god look at you. I can't help, but look at you and cry. I hope you are strapped in because you are about to ride the most frightening time of your life. I know you're different. I know you have known that for a very long time. It's time to finally show the world who you truly are. That is just the beginning. I can't tell you much, and I won't tell you much. There are many lessons you are going to learn, and the road to learning will be incredibly dark. Even darker than the thoughts going through your head.

First, always believe in yourself. You are the only person in this world you can truly depend on, and you will be able to things that you thought you would never have the strength to do. Second, Don't EVER change for anyone. You are going to experience rejection from people you have trusted your entire life. Do not give them the power, and tell you that the way you are is an invalid existance. Third, never turn your back on your passions. Those are the things that make you a special individual. Ride those passions, and never let them go because one day you will grow to regret, and wish you could go back to what makes you happy. Trust me, it will be so hard to go back. Fourth, strength. There will come a time where you must face your demons. You will want to give up, but DO NOT give up. You are much stronger than you think. Fifth, and lastly always have a voice. Don't let others dictate the way you live your life, and tell you that your dreams are not possible because you deserve to be happy.

You can be anybody you want to be, and I know almost everything I am telling you goes against everything you have been taught. It's ok to always be different. Your parents raised you to be A, B, and C. But you be F. Be the person that you truly want to be, because I promise that people will love you even more for it, and you will be a much happier human being. I love you very much, and you may not love yourself but you will learn that lesson a little later. I truly hope you take what I have said, and remember it. Good luck, and don't worry. Everything is much better on this side if you stick to my words.

You are truly loved.

Sincerely,

Future You

P.S.

Cherish each, and every day. Take it slow, and don't forget to laugh.

I know how much it will hurt when she has to go away so believe me when I tell you to try and see her everyday. Tell her that you love her in every single way and make sure that she knows she is the sunshine in your day. Grandma is so strong and you may not think she'll go. Just trust me when I tell you even the strongest rocks erode. Know it's not your fault and that there's no way you could have helped. I know that you don't want her to ever let you go, but always always know that she is with you in your soul. She will always be with you even when you feel alone and just because you can't feel her that doesn't mean that she is gone. Growing up is hard, you will have to pave the way, but just know that she will be with you through every single day. I know how much you think that you need to stay strong, but that pain you keep inside will wear you down until you're gone. Sometimes you have to cry to make that pain go away and even though it's not much fun you will feel better the next day. That love that you have for her is like sunshine in the gray and even though you cannot see her know she will never go away.

It doesn't get better, it's only going to get worse. There's no need to pretend to be strong. There will be times you'll wonder, if you even have any feeling, but believe me, you do.

In the future you will meet such an atrocious depression, but unlike this time, that time everyone will try to help you, try to be kind.

But this time, withstand is it, you can't.

Have some courage and take the dive.

Having a baby might seem like the most difficult, terrifying, miserable thing which could ever to happen to you. You would be right because it is. But that little boy, who you do not yet know is growing inside you, is going to be the most amazing person you will ever meet. He will be kind and gentle, in a way you never knew little boys could be. You will never know the true meaning of love or sacrifice until you hold him in your arms. Hold him tighty for he will grow too big for those arms so fast.

Yes, it it will be hard and it will only get harder day by day, but it will be worth it, so worth it. That little nothing nestled in your abdomen will grow to be a something which will give a meaning to you life you never could have conceived before.

It's ok to be afraid, just go on.

I don't know why I even bother with what was with you (me).

Some of you (me) hasn't changed.

You (me) still create, still make mistakes,

and there are those times and were times,

when you (me) was such an idiot.

You (me) partied some back then,

but those days are long gone.

You (me) held onto love a long time,

and you (me) still hold that memory.

But you (me) were self-centered then.

That's why I don't revisit you any longer.

Take a hike, you idiot.