I fear, yes.

Some things lodge in your spine like fish hooks. The more these hooks are tugged at, teased; the more they twist your flesh.

I carry memories I cannot lay down. The old feeling comes at me from strange places: someone touching my hand, a man’s face too close to mine, when I reach down to put my arms about someone. These actions are unrelated, but the vaguest threat of being trapped, of being held against my will by someone stronger than me, brings sour fear to my throat.

I am practiced at putting such sensations aside. I must, I am a nurse; I come into close contact with male strangers every day. Worse, though, is when these hooks are snagged by loved ones. A sister slinging an arm over my shoulders before I see who she is. The sight of my husband in his boxers standing while I still lie in bed. A friend merely stepping too close. I need their love, I need their trust, and they have no idea how I’m feeling. So I push aside that sourness and remind myself, angrily, that they hold no harm for me. They have proven this over and over. I am angered at myself, for still feeling those hooks after so many years have passed.

And I fear, I dread, that these remnants of memory will hook and bleed in my soul for years.

Was it a bird or was it destiny?

Pregnant belly and depression.

Weather mirroring her soul.

She sent her kids to her sisters for safe keeping,

One she kept with her and might take with her also.

‘Give me a sign’ she screams at God, Goddess and Universe.

A bird, too stupid to find shelter in a storm or there for a purpose?

A hawk told her not to do it and she didn’t.

So am I here because of a bird or destiny?

I'm afraid I'll never move past this.

I'm afraid I'll never forget the pain you've caused me.

I'm afraid I'll never trust again.

I'm afraid I'll always love more than I'm loved.

I'm afraid I'll always remember you.

I'm afraid you've already forgotten me.

I'm afraid I care too much.

I'm afraid you don't care at all.

I'm afraid you never did.

I'm afraid it was all just a lie.

I fear I will never be good enough

for me

for you

for anyone else.

It is no surprise

that because of you,

I hate myself.

The things you say,

the things you make me believe,

They haunt me everyday.

The night i heard you say,

I don’t deserve

anything good

in my life.

I’ve not been the same since.

I think about it,

everyday.

It drives me to tears,

I try hard, and you don’t see

I almost lost

what I loved most

because of what you said.

I fear, that because I’m not

enough for you

I’ll never be

enough for someone else

How could I be,

when I’m not enough

for you?

Fear is the hand grabbing my ankle

While I toss and turn at night,

Kicking blankets as if they're thoughts

That I wish weren't in bed with me.

They grip my wrists and kiss my neck

And remind me they'll never go

Because this is what I want.

Someone that loves me and cares

And will stay even when I'm being me.

That I want him to be in my bed,

Holding me and telling me softly

That the nightmares will stop and if not,

He'll be there until the morning regardless.

But he's not, he's the nightmare,

Holding onto my brain and dragging

Me back to that place again, the past

Where he was still here and I was happy,

Calm and in peace and not anxious at all.

But, this is the present where he is gone

And I'm in this bed, hot and sweaty

Alone with my thoughts and willing to release

All the blood in my body to be anywhere else.

But, he's still here, and I can't disappoint him

And slit my fickle veins and drain the bad humors.