Setting: Comedy club stage.

Host: Welcome to Political Roast Night! First up, Donald Trump!

[Audience cheers.]

Host: Trump's hair is like his promises—mysterious and probably not real. He tweets more than a bird on Red Bull!

[Audience laughs.]

Host: Now, Kamala Harris!

[Audience cheers.]

Host: Kamala’s so good at grilling people, even her BBQs come with subpoenas. Her laugh? It’s like she knows the date of your next tax audit.

[Audience laughs harder.]

Host: Trump and Kamala—one builds walls, the other breaks ceilings. Together, an architectural nightmare!

[Audience roars with laughter.]

Host: Thanks, folks! Keep laughing and thinking!

[Curtains close.]

Waking sucks. Riley would have preferred to keep sleeping forever, but his better mind cared little for his foolish desires, doing instead what it knows it must. Sensing uncomfortable situations that the light of day might expose his lids flutter themselves open, fanning Riley’s currently diminished spark of life with light. There are several good reasons for not waking, to include a pre-dawn, bone penetrating chill which works in tandem with the rhythmic pounding like waves of blood through his head, and the infantile demands of a handful of needy gulls whose cries are a reminder to Riley of his own currently empty stomach. Adding to this little list, as if there need be more, is the slippery grit of sand beneath him; cold, wet, uncomfortable sand that has worked it's way into his clothing and hair (among other cracks and crevices), and the sombering gray of an as yet sunless sky above. It is not even fucking daylight yet. Still, these pitiful reasons to continue sleeping pale beside the biggest and greatest reason for waking... that uncomfortable situation that the light of day might expose. Daylight is here!

From afar, even above the pounding waves, Riley hears the sound of happy laughter, of children excited for a day at the beach, children still too young to be ashamed of their being. The world is waking and so must he… wake the fuck up, asshole! There is a zipping of lights when he re-closes his lids, and a dripping of colors not unlike the paper-hit trails of his younger and wilder days that make the darkness uncomfortable. He wished that those things and his overall sourness would just stop trying to pull him away from the much desired seductress that is Sleep. But Sleep is vanished, just like everyone else. She has abandoned him. She has left him, and he must wake. “Fuuuuck…” groaning with the effort Riley rolls to his elbows for a look around.

The boy is nowhere in site, the child who had only yesterday set him on this demented quest. Riley is not sure of how to feel about that. The sea seems to have spitted Riley out in the exact same spot where he’d come upon the boy yesterday, although as far as he could see northward up the beach everything looked exactly the same, and southward too, so he could be wrong. Mirror trick-like, the wooden fishing piers disappearing in the gloomy distance are too similar to distinguish from one another on the one side of the white sand, while on the other side the same tourist taffy shops provided backgrounds for the same swim-suited joggers alongside the same trotting dogs with the same glistening lifeguards prying the same fucking, happy-assed umbrellas into the pale flesh of the same foot dimpled fucking beach. A gasp escaped him at the thought of the boy, a gasp that spilt a warm wash of seawater from his throat. Perhaps it had all been a dream? A nightmare? But another cough of seawater was enough to answer. It had been no dream. Riley reached for his back pocket. The bottle was gone, leaving him with absolutely nothing other than his sobering reflections on yesterday.

What miserable fucking luck Riley had, to wander under this particular pier, at this particular time. While some have the good fortune to discover treasure at the beach, and others love, poor Riley had only stumbled upon a boy. And not just any boy. This boy had been propped upright against a barnacled pillar when Riley chanced upon him. The first disconcerting thing Riley had noticed about the boy was his lack of arms, but as Riley drew closer it was with horror that he realized that what he’d hoped was an unfortunate illusion of liquor, shadow and sand was not, as it became evident to him that the boy had no legs either. Yet even without arms or legs the child’s eyes still blazed out from the cool, briny darkness of the pier’s underbelly with all of the passions of life. A look around revealed to Riley that no one else was nearby. Where had the boy’s caregivers gone? How had the youngster come to be in this hidden spot, and alone? The lad certainly hadn’t come here on his own? While contemplating these things Riley slipped the bottle from his back pocket and took from it a long, habitually thoughtful pull.

”Say kid, are you ok?” Even as he said it Riley realized the ridiculousness of the question. The boy had no arms or legs, how could he be ok? But then an even further horror was revealed when the boy attempted an answer, as to Riley’s absolute dismay a steady stream of gurgles and moans forced an awareness upon him that the boy had no tongue, either. No fingers to grab, no hands to clap, no arms to wave, feet to balance upon, nor legs for walking… and no tongue to complain about any of it, either?

Of all the fucking shit luck!

Riley’s first impulse was to run far and fast, as from a monster. He wanted away. What infernal luck had brought him here, he wondered? To this dreadful scene? Why him to stumble upon something so horrid? And what was he to do now, once here? Could he just walk away from something so pitiful, from someone so needful of help? But if he stayed, what then? He could not know what the boy wanted, or needed? He never could know, could he? Nor what the child was even thinking? Not ever, as the poor son-of-a-bitch could never tell it. A panic began inside Riley, subtly at first, a cold stomach knot which slowly as freezing water hardened across his gut. He looked around again, venturing out from under the pier as he did so, a little at a time. There must be someone nearby, so Riley called out. “Hey! Hello? Is anyone here?” And then louder. “There is a boy here… whose boy is this?”

A very few sun-glassed eyes turned his way, but those few only briefly, as the sun-reddened tourists were here for holiday, not drama. No one answered Riley’s hails, nor ventured forth to share in his dilemma.

And from the darkness below the pier shone a pair of eyes as blue as any ocean, their light a beacon to Riley; beseeching eyes, eyes abandoned by all the rest of the world. Riley found himself pulled back to the eyes by some unknown charity within him that he didn’t even know was there, that he wished was not.

Riley understood loneliness to some extent. The love of his life had recently chosen her boss over him, taking their son with her, and their home, and such a sizable chunk of Riley’s journalism salary that it hardly seemed worth showing up to work anymore, though surely he would be be sought out by the court system if he didn’t. Riley was really little more than a worker bee at this point, no longer working for himself, but instead slaving away for a queen bee who had betrayed him, for a son whom that woman was slowly turning against him, and for a man who was fucking that woman under Riley’s own roof while Riley made do on a fold-away YMCA cot.

Still, that he would be alright Riley knew with a certainty. He was drinking a little much, yea, but these changes were all so shocking and new, and so out of his control, weren't they? Riley slipped the bottle from his pocket once more and choked down another drag of liquid fire that neither helped his situation, nor made him feel any better.

Yes, Riley understood loneliness to some extent, but this boy… his was an altogether different sort of loneliness, was it not? His was a loneliness that Riley could not begin to fathom, a loneliness that would necessitate insanity. Surely there was nothing reasonable left behind those blazing eyes, that is if there had ever been anything reasonable behind them to begin with. There could be nothing, could there? Fuck! Heaven help the little fucker if there was even a trace of it. The only situation Riley could imagine being worse than stumbling upon this kid would be in being this kid. Of all the fucking luck.

The waves were creeping up now, lapping forth strands of sea-weeded yack towards the boy like frothy tongues. The last thing in the world Riley wanted to do was to touch the kid, but he had to, didn’t he? Should he not at least move him a few feet further away from the encroaching water? With his courage gathered, Riley‘s hands gripped either side of the lad’s torso, finding it surprisingly light, if somewhat top-heavy. Riley held it out at arm’s length, as one would a wild, captured animal, or a poisonous snake, but as the boy's eyes came up level with his own Riley could not help but see the panic within them.

"No worries, son. I'm just gonna move you further up the beach, away from the water."

But the panic in the eyes grew at Riley's words rather than dissipating, enlightening Riley to everything. Jesus fucking Christ, Riley thought to himself. The poor bastard wants to be here! The knowledge of it angered Riley. What the hell? Some son-of-a-bitch had carried this boy here and left him for the sea? Not even the plea in those blazing eyes could squelch the disgust Riley felt. What the fucking hell? It was not something Riley could ever do. And how could anyone have done so? If the boy had nothing else, he at least had that light in his eyes! And if the little shit wanted to kill himself he would have to do it on his own, as Riley wanted no fucking part of it!

But Riley was part of it, wasn’t he? And the kid couldn’t possibly do it on his fucking own, could he? Riley had not signed up for this shit, but he was the one who was here. And fuck the fucking luck that had brought him here, too! All he’d wanted was a walk on the fucking beach! Was that too much to ask for? Isn’t that what the beach is supposed to be for? A place to find a little bit of peace in this fucked up world? A place to sink your feet in the cool sand and forget it all? A place to stand and watch a brilliant, blazing gulf sunset and to just exist? Was it too much for Riley to have something nice for himself? A bit of fucking peace? Fuck all the fucking fuck!

With the boy still at arm’s length Riley began to cry. It was no little cry either, but was a great, sobbing cry which drew an expression of pity from the blazing eyes, a pity that made it apparent to Riley that there was indeed a bit sanity in there behind them. The boy felt. If nothing else, the boy felt, and knowing that he did was just about more than Riley could bear. This child with no appendages was feeling sorry for him?

And God damn it all to hell if Riley was the man to leave a boy to the sea. He just couldn’t, could he? But the boy was growing heavy, and when Riley finally placed him back in his spot it was in a puddle now. The sea was coming up! Dear Lord, what to do? Riley was crying again, but not for his own stupid luck this time. And the eyes were still pleading, and the sea was still rising, and the sun was now setting, and God was fucking smiling, so not knowing what else to do Riley sat himself down in the cold puddle beside the boy and took the child up. He pulled the stumps over into his lap before wrapping them up in his arms to wait. His arms pulled tightly around the boy’s torso breathed along with the body's lungs, and throbbed along with it’s pulsings, and languished with it’s sighs.

Curiously, Riley’s tears ceased. Oddly, he felt no need to reach for the bottle in his pocket. As the tide rose it was not water, but a strange contentment that flooded Riley over. And it was only then that Riley found the peace he had come to the beach in search of.

No, Riley had not been the man to leave a boy to the sea, had he? No… Riley had fucking stayed the fucking course, right alongside the fucking lad.

And thanks be to Heaven for that bit of luck.

Maybe I am the center of the universe.

Maybe the world revolves around me.

The world doesn’t exist unless I’m conscious of its existence.

The universe doesn’t exist without my awareness of my own existence.

When I close my eyes to sleep the world ceases to exist.

When I’m dead the world doesn't exist anymore.

Nothing can exist unless I can perceive its existence.

The world cannot exist if I’m unable to perceive the world.

The universe doesn’t exist if I’m dead.

God doesn’t exist if He's dead.

I am the center of the universe.

The world revolves around me.

But what’s created cannot be destroyed.

And what’s never been created can never be destroyed.

No one created God.

God cannot be destroyed.

God created the existence of the universe.

The universe’s existence cannot be destroyed.

God created my existence.

I cannot cease to exist.

Nothing can cease to exist.

The world doesn’t revolve around me.

It was pure luck that ovum # 102,364 was released via ovulation from my mother on that exact day in that exact year and was waved down the ciliated tube to meet a suitable suitor. It could've been any of the other hundred thousand eggs she was born with and, if so, I wouldn't be me.

It was pure luck that spermatozoon #43,438,822 was the exact vehicle to deliver the right exact half of my father's DNA. Had it been any other swimmer, then I just wouldn't be me.

And I really do like me, so I am very lucky.

It's easy to play the victim. It's easy to get angry, and even furious, at the state of the world. Let's be real: I am angry every single day. I don't want to have kids because I think the world is a decrepit wasteland, and the only thing running it is bills, sickness, and hatred. I don't even have access to universal healthcare, for f*cks sake.

But here's my advice, to you and myself: mindset.

I have wanted to run screaming from rooms. I have bitten my hands in fits of rage. I have sneered at others, cut people off, rolled my eyes at minor inconveniences.

Mindset. Someone said: no emotion is permanent. I have to do things I love to forget my rage. I go to the gym and run on the treadmill until I don't feel anger, or much of anything. I feel calm. I feel whole. I feel complete.

Mindset.

In order to go to the gym, one has to get out of bed. In order to go to the gym, one needs to pull on their big girl pants and suck it up in the traffic it takes to get there. One needs to sign in, and watch people watching them, perhaps even judging them. One needs to tie their sneaker's laces and suck it up, period.

My advice to anyone struggling is: it's all in your head. No emotion is permanent. It's all how you make it.

I'm not saying go to the gym, necessarily, but it's helped me.

One of my favorite memes of all time is: someone asks a man working at a grocery store if they can try the grapes. He says: I wouldn't care if you lit this place on fire with me in it.

Yeah, that: when I feel that, I go to the gym, and run until my mindset is once again mine - calm, whole, complete.

It's all only what you make of it.

As I stand by the side of the road, which is as close as I can get right now, I look out at the woods I know so well. I spent my childhood in those woods – exploring, hiking, climbing. Those trees, the rocky dirt trails hidden under their branches, the stream that runs through them – they hold so many memories.

Somewhere under those trees is the spot where I fell in love for the first time. I can remember staring up at the stars as he timidly reached out and took my hand in his. I was so nervous that I couldn’t stop giggling.

I caught my first fish on the lake just a mile down the road. I was seven years old. I can remember standing on the lake's shore with my dad’s hands on mine, pulling my pole back and letting it fly. I can still feel the excitement at the first tug and my delight as I posed for a picture, my proud dad all smiles behind the camera.

My first real injury happened there too. I broke my ankle when I tripped on a rock. I remember tears streaming down my cheeks as I was carried down the trail.

I almost lived there once. After a fight with my mom, I packed my backpack with snacks and a change of clothes, grabbed my jacket, and left the civilized world behind. As the sun set, I thought I had found the perfect life – nothing but the stars above me, the ground beneath me, and the clean, open air around me. I went home six hours later, soaking wet from the rain.

I know those woods better than I know my own family, my own house. They have been my home when I felt like I didn’t have one. Those trees were alive long before I was born, and I always believed they would long outlive me.

But now, as I stare at that familiar tree line, only one thought crosses my mind.

It should be green.

Not red-hot with orange flames engulfing everything in their path and thick, black smoke rising into the air, blocking out the sun and the blue sky.

It should be green.

As it eventually will with every young man, he sees her and is struck. He is struck by her beauty, struck by his own youthful incapacities, and struck by the giddy paralysis of a fear so deep it can only be known by one whose own status is deemed by themselves to lie below that of their infatuation’s. “I cannot,” he reasons as he gazes upon her, “be worthy of her. Yet who else would ever love her as I would? Who could?”

“But, how to make her notice me?” He wonders, until presently it occurs to him to display for her that one thing that he can do well, as that one thing might somehow reveal to her the feasibility of other, hidden potentials within him which she, and only she, might manifest within him given time… if only she would look at him now.

And so the boy shows himself off to her. He is young. His skillsets are few and mostly outlandish, but he is completely unmindful of what the rest of the watching world may think. The urge is strongly upon him to somehow impress her in ways which he has not yet had time enough in this world to formulate, but he will try. He must try. And if the lad has wit he will manage it in a convincing and winsome enough manner that he will gain some however-so small affection from her... a smile, a touch, a peckish kiss. Any of those would be enough for now, as he would have been seen.

It began two Thursday’s ago, and has not let up since. Out of the blue the boy began showing up nearly every day, some days two or three times a day, dribbling his basketball on the sidewalk out front of Trisha’s house. He could only bounce it, as there is no basket out there to shoot at, so sometimes he bounces it up high, or sometimes he dribbles it down low, wrapping it effortlessly behind his back and then scissoring it between his legs, spinning the ball on his finger, and then on his forehead, and then dribbling it some more and more and more as he spins and jukes and out-fakes invisible sidewalk defenders.

Oh, she sees him all right. Trisha watches him through the window slats, her face a torpid mask meant to hide her curiousity away from sniggering parents. The boy was actually quite good at bouncing his ball, so she waited to see what tricks he might do with it next.

He made dribbling the ball look so easy that once, when the bouncing boy had finally gone, Trisha went out to the garage, where she picked up her brother’s ball and tried dribbling it herself, but her hands moved awkwardly, and the ball was too heavy. It always bounced too high, so that she couldn’t even begin to do the boy’s tricks. In fact, it was all she could do to keep the stupid ball bouncing near enough to her that she could bounce it again. She quickly discovered that what the boy made to look so easy was really not so easy at all.

Of course, at least initially, it wasn’t just her parents, but even Trisha who found the bouncing ball annoying. The infernal thump, thump, thumping of the ball drug her to the window from her daytime bed where she laid listening to music, or from the couch when she was watching television. The thumping was out there during supper, and when she was dressing, and all the time it seemed. When she could do so without it being obvious Trisha would sneak over to peek between the blinds at him dribbling the ball, and spinning it, but the boy never, ever looked over at her window, or even towards her house, but only dribbled his ball as though neither she, nor even her house, were even there.

But our girl Trisha was no one’s dummy.

Who was he, she wondered? And why was he doing this? It seemed to be a very strange thing to do, but then it also didn’t. At first it had appeared to be a random act, as though her house just happened to sit on his route home from the basketball court or something like that, but it quickly became obvious that there was a greater purpose to his dribbling here, that it was for someone’s benefit, and her vanity allowed her to suspect that the someone he was doing it for might be her, not that she really cared about the boy one way or another. She didn’t even know him. But why else other than to impress her? Why did he always stop right here in front of her house every day? And why bouncing a ball? If he was truly coming to impress her, or any other girl for that matter, why bring a basketball? Why not sing, or dance, or anything more romantic than bouncing a ball? It was a curious mystery, but then… she did enjoy a curious mystery.

Regardless of their intent Trisha came to look forward to his visits, her heart leaping at the first thump. She no longer felt the need to go peek every single time, though she did it quite often anyways. It was enough just to know he was there. After all, she knew very well by now what he looked like, and what he was doing, and she suspected that she was the reason, so there was really no need to peek, was there? If he truly was coming here to dribble in front of her house in an attempt to impress her then not peeking was almost a form of playing hard to get, wasn’t it? A way of showing him that she had more important things to do than to watch him play with his ball? So she shouldn’t make herself available to him every time, should she? The boy might get the impression she was easy, or uninteresting. No. She could not allow that.

Still, most times she peeked. She couldn’t help it. And when she did so she wondered if he noticed the break in the blinds, and if that break gave her peeking away? Sometimes she even hoped that he did see it. Trisha was alone a lot, which did not make for a particularly happy girl, and during those times when she was not peeking she took on an unconscious habit of brushing her hair until the thumping echoes of the ball faded away into the twilight, and of smiling as she brushed.

Oddly, Trisha began to wish the boy was out there even when he wasn’t, and she found herself discouraged when he was not. Depressed even. She began to wonder where he was, and what he had found that was more interesting to do? And then she would hear ghost balls thumping on the sidewalk. She would run to the window but the boy wouldn’t be out there; this seemed always to happen while lying in her bed at night for instance, or when she was naked in the bathroom. And even more strangely, she found herself peeking out when there was clearly no ball out there thumping, hoping that the boy might be just down the street, bouncing it up the sidewalk towards her house.

”Is that boy a friend of yours?” Her father finally asked her. “Why don’t you go out there and make him stop?”

Go out there? Was her father a fool? She couldn’t go out there! Going out there would break the magic. The boy would see that she was not so special, that she was just a girl and not so pretty, and was infinitely awkward at that.

”What’s the matter? Scared?” Her father taunted, making fun when there was nothing funny about it. But was she scared? Scared of what? Of a boy bouncing a stupid ball? Of course she was not scared. She would show her father. She would go out there! But first she would go see how she looked. Once in front of the mirror she touched her hair a few times to little effect, but it wasn’t really her appearance that she wanted to see, was it? What she needed to see lay deeper than that, so rather than primping she gazed into her own eyes, gauging their strength, asking them if this was truly what she wanted, to meet this boy whose attention she had somehow attracted, and to take a chance on driving him away? Wasn’t it better to leave things alone, and to keep this little thing between them as it was? The eyes in the mirror told her no. Trisha saw in them a readiness, almost a hunger to meet the boy, to find out who he was. Taking a deep breath, she hesitated no longer.

It was actually a relief to find herself on the tiny front porch, and to hear the door click shut behind her, and to see that he had not noticed her there yet, but there was no turning back from here. She was committed.

“Hi!”

The ball got away from him for just a second. It was a little thing, but it was the first time in all her peeking that she’d seen a fumble from him, which meant nothing really, while also meaning very much when she considered her own continuous fumbling in the garage when she had attempted to dribble her brother’s ball. Trisha’s initial thought had been that he was a boy, so dribbling the ball was easier for him, but that was not right. He was obviously athletic, but where did that come from? Was it genetics, hand-eye coordination handed down from mother or father, or both? And how did speed play into that, and balance, and dexterity, and strength? No, he could only reach the level of skill he had achieved through diligence. She wondered where he found such a thing as diligence, and why?

He was really not very big, seen from a closer perspective, not much taller than her actually, yet he looked strong, if lithe. He caught up with the fumbled ball and tucked it under his arm as he turned to face her, his weight balanced evenly on both feet, his chin held high in an exaggerated, almost comically masculine posture.

“Hi.” He did not smile, though his expression was soft, his eyes kind. His voice was surprisingly deep for such a youthful looking face.

“What are you doing out here? Why do you keep bouncing your ball in front of my house.“

The boy shrugged.

“You are driving my parents crazy.”

”And you?”

There was a pause as she considered her answer. Her eyes refused to look at him as she gave it, though she longed to see his response. She had never suffered rejection and didn’t know if she could take it, but she had a feeling that she needn’t worry. He instilled in her that feeling. “Yea, I guess you could say that you’re driving me crazy, too.”

With that said she did look up. He wore a brilliant smile now, which she could not help returning. “Good, then I’ll be back tomorrow.” He said it as he turned to go.

”Hey!“ His still smiling face glanced back at her call. “Why don’t you try ringing the bell?”

The boy nodded and took off running down the street, the ball thumping expertly at his side.

In my eyes, no story slashes through my heart more than that of Eve.

She has become the mother of every living person on Earth - and of everyone buried beneath the surface - but she has never had the pleasure of having a mother herself. Eve lived forced to be an eternal daughter. Not once could she search out the comfort of a maternal figure, to lay her head in the woman’s lap, consoled when her body changed and morphed into something new. There was no other woman on Earth for her to seek solace from, to talk of the mysteries that men do not understand because they have not been pained by them.

But worst of all, even more awful than her loneliness and despair is how she has been painted through history, through the story of the Bible, through every myth and legend that has stemmed from Abrahamic roots. Donned original sin, the original sinner. Had it not been for her actions, humanity would have forever lived in paradise.

How can any person blame her though? She was human, as we are, her biggest sin was being a soul stuck in flesh. Everyone lives with curiosity, and worse so with the ability to be manipulated. When life had been nothing but pleasure and goodness, how can any of us blame her for not knowing what would happen.

I mourn her and the way she has been dragged through history, the way that all women have been sullied because of her actions. I remember she was human - as so many others have stripped from her - and therefore made mistakes as humans do today. I see her in serpents and fruits, but also in lilies and crisp summer days. I want to remember her not as a sinner, but as a woman that was worth so much more.