Dear myself,

I can not even begin to tell you how sorry I am for how I have treated you. For everything. If I had to apologize for one thing but everything at once it would be for sabotage. I want to love you but I don't know how. With that comes the destruction that I had brought upon you. A destruction that you never deserved. I have tore you down and ruined your life for years for what seems like now to be no reason. I have left scars and memories permenantly cemented into your mind that you now have to regret for the rest of your life. I still to this day continue to do this to you, I stop you from seeing how mcuh some people care for you and how important you truly are. In the future I hope to fall back and let you live. Every blade of grass holds our mark and I want you to have a chance to realize how much yours means to some people. I need to stop having you focus on people who could not care less for your existence and more for people who do. I will help you through this and make you grab a hold of that pit of fear and anxiety and throw it into the wind and live freely.

I love him, simple as that. I think about him day in and day out. His laughter, his jokes and just him. But, the question is, is it all a lie? I love him right? But do I want to ruin what we have as friends? It is almost an obsession how many times I go over in my head what I should do. I mean I want to tell him, is it worth possible destruction though? I do not want to lose him, but would I rather stay where I am or leap for something greater? It is as though my heart is taking shelter from the situation and allowing my insecure brain to take full control. I have cried myself a hurricane going back and forth, listening to individuals advice. Yet I always retreat back to my own unsteady advice. Rather be safe then sorry right? Rather have a friend then nothing at all right? I am not so sure anymore.

My lungs were filled with cold breathless air, as I stared up at my newfound task in life. I have never seen such a beautiful sight in front of me. It was time to take on the task that I have been training for; Everest. Everest was breathtaking; both literally and figuratively. I had my oxygen tank strapped to my back, my food in my pack along with my home for the next two months. Just looking up at the mountain for the first time with my own two eyes makes me want to turn back and forget about the expedition. But I will not let myself down, being 45 years old I need to do what I can to experience life. I have never seen a mountain in my life and this was the first one on Earth ever developed. I took the first step onto the fresh snow and started on my journey. I have never heard stories of people hiking this mountain because before a few months ago they never existed. A few steps into the journey I was worried the whole thing would collapse, scientists still had no idea how this structure was created but I am going to be the first to climb this deathly mountain. Looking at my surroundings I see clean, white snow so bright that I have to squint to get a good look at what is ahead of me. My breathing is already getting labored but I keep going. After a few hours of hiking I decided that I do not want to climb Everest, the beauty before me is to much to handle. I squat down and touch the mountain under my feet and feel a rush of pride. This is the most mysterious structure but I let the curiosity fill me. Sitting in that cold, wet snow gave me a feeling that warmed my heart. "This feels like home" I thought. No man-made structure had ever made me feel like this. The snow, mud, and dirt piled mountain made me cherish the Earth a whole ton more. The Earth only had to stick it's nature together to impress the humans. While we humans had to work to impress each other. 

Growth is addictive because humans are all about change and when we grow we change. Many people in this world want to change. With growth you change, either you grow taller or your hair gets longer, or your ears get bigger. Change is addicting because your hoping that the things that you didn't like about yourself will change. Honestly though people need to just learn to accept themselves and get over it. 

I believe that choice is a privilege to people. But honestly I can't write about the importance of choice because I am so accustomed to it, I wouldn't understand the concept of not being free. Without choice many luxuries would be destroyed, like voting for president, what you are going to have for dinner, and even how many kids you can have. Without choice I believe everybody would have a cold heart, because of the lack of freedom. 

When I was a child my worst fear was the corner of my bedroom. Because I could not see what was there in the dark and my mind would play tricks on me, it was terrifying. In a way my mind is the same way. There is a place in my mind that I only go to when I am lost or alone, where I don't want to be with humanity. In the corner of my mind I recall all the moments when I was brought down and teased or ridiculed. I hate it back there, it tears me down and rips my self-esteem apart. But the temptation to go back there happens more frequently then it should. My heart is also the same way, I have days where the dark part of my heart wants me to stay silent and alone because that's how i deserve to be. But I always remember not to believe it. Because the brightness and kindness of my heart is to overpowering for any dark force to breakthrough. Though my mind may be another story. 

Real does not exist in my book. One person could witness an event, while the other could witness the same event in a different dimension. If a person is to look at a triangle from the bottom straight on he will see one way. If another being is to look at it from the top he is to see two ways. Which one was real and which was an illusion; who believes who? How many sides are there, how many dimensions are there? What is real?

Her eyes were leaking like a waterfall

His eyes were bloodshot

Her house was a mansion

His house was destroyed

She was the center of attention

He hid in the shadows

She was dying

And he was sad

She was a survivor

He was a fighter, for her

And his smile never reached his eyes unless she was there.