Morning fragments (like glass)

scatter across linoleum. The pills

sit quiet in their plastic days.

They whisper sometimes—

tuesday is green

wednesday tastes like copper

thursday has teeth

The walls breathe in out

in out

(or maybe that's the neighbor's radio)

seeping through cracks that weren't there

yesterday

Mother's voice on the phone:

honey are you eating enough

but her words come through backwards

hguone gnitae uoy era yenoh

I watch them fall

like dead birds on the kitchen floor

The mirror holds

someone else's face today

(I keep it anyway)

Clock hands spin

stop

spin

stop

Time has grown thorns

The medication cup

tips over in slow motion

white circles rolling

into corners where

shadows gather to watch

There's a garden growing

in my skull—weeds and roses

tangled with synapses

blooming in colors

that don't exist

The doctor's pen scratches

scratches

scratches

making constellations

of my broken thoughts

I fold these moments

into paper birds

let them nest

in my chest

where they peck

at what's left

of truth

Night comes

(or has it been here all along?)

The walls whisper their secrets

in morse code dots of shadow

...---...

Tomorrow might be

someone else's memory

but today

I am

almost

certain

of gravity

The sun is just beginning to set, caught in those few minutes where the sky is the most vivid. Like colored tears draining into each other, a golden eye open for just a moment before it's gone.

I drive home with the radio all the way up, the windows all the way down. And this time when you cross my mind, I let the wind take the breath from my lungs. I can't say for sure whether I make any noise at all, only that the speedometer is approaching eighty and the sound of the radio is vibrating my seat.

Nothing we did was ever loud.

I drive by the water, you know it's not on the way home, but I do it anyway. The seagulls outside the car circle and swoop, cawing at the light as it slips away. They drown out the music, somehow, but I still hear your voice in my head, begging me to stay.

You never saw the ocean. Not with me, anyway.

I turn the car around, backtracking until the roads are more familiar. Not that I don't know this town, but some streets I've been driving down since I was in a car seat. This is the path back home. In a sense.

When can you move back home? I hold a hand out the window to catch the breeze, remembering the first time someone asked me that. My new boss, as a matter of fact. And my father shortly after.

Home, as if it isn't still across the country with you.

I try to turn up the radio, but it won't go. I have to stop at a light and a wrinkled man and a woman hidden behind a sunhat look at me. The man's mouth frowns deeply, moving in unintelligible complaints. I wonder if there's enough sunlight left to see the trails the tears have left on my face. Or maybe I look too normal, I never was very good at getting emotional.

This is only a step backwards, is what you told me.

But how could I promise myself, I muse--foot on the gas, goodbye old man--to the life you wanted? Now that my brain's cracked open with the thought of you, it's seeping out through my skin. I feel like I'm burning from the inside out, knuckles white and my every cell remembering how you used to touch me. Hold me. Cry with me. You wanted a family. You wanted a stable life in a stable town. You wanted to fall in love, and we accidentally did. Are you sorry?

I am.

These roads are winding, narrow. I could just about navigate them with my eyes closed. Everything here's just as I remember it, down to the smell of water, the soft dirt. The distant sound of traffic and tree limbs hanging over the road, almost close enough to touch. Like a bubble with every point accessible from the center, just nothing beyond. Contained. Or waiting to pop.

I park the car in the garage. The radio is off but my mind is filled with deafening roar. I still picture what it'd be like to walk through the front door and have you greet me. A fantasy, but my mind itches for it. Instead, I greet the silence.

I only wonder: does the silence greet you, too?

The brawny brute grabbed the scrawny lad by the collar and grunted, vile breath seeping through his gritted teeth.

“The only reason Magnar won’t accept my challenge is you!” he fumed, “Tell him to fight me OR ELSE.”

“Listen, Fritjof,” Syndri strained, “My brother has no reason to fight an innocent man--”

“INNOCENT?!” Fritjof retorted.

“Perhaps innocent you are not,” Syndri smiled awkwardly, “but you have committed unto him no offense.”

Fritjof growled as he slammed Syndri against a nearby tree, causing the lad to wince.

“I said, make him fight me,” Fritjof slurred.

“I’m afraid I simply cannot do such a thing,” Syndri breathed, “My brother has a mind of his own and, with it, he does what he so chooses--”

“Make him choose!” Fritjof roared, pressing Syndri into the tree a little harder, “He always seems to listen to you.”

“I tell you this day, if I were to suggest such an illogical act, Magnar would likely believe I’d gone mad!” Syndri laughed nervously, “Besides, it is the very essence of his heart that is against such deeds. You see, he’s devoted to The Shining Lord, now. He’s put away childish things.”

Fritjof drew out his jewel-encrusted dagger by the golden handle and traced its blade along the folds of Syndri’s leather armor.

“Have you called me childish, bumbling fool?” Fritjof asked in fury, raising the dagger up to Syndri’s neck.

“No, sir. Not at all, sir,” Syndri stammered, lifting his chin, “I meant--”

Suddenly, the two men looked to a distant noise ringing through the forest. A series of footsteps and a voice calling out: “Syndri? Syndri? Where are you, brother?”

“He’s coming along quickly now,” Fritjof gasped quickly turning back to the lad, “Tell him to accept my challenge. That is all I ask of you.”

“...alright...” Syndri hesitated, “But I am sure that he will still refuse. He has grown from the lad he was long ago. He has no reason to fight you, and so he shant.”

Fritjof exhaled in disappointment, realizing that he may never fulfill his wish of challenging The Great Magnar of Dryhtenhaven. Lowering the blade away from Syndri’s throat, he sighed and turned away.

“It’s not as if he has a vendetta against you,” Syndri murmured involuntarily as Fritjof loosened his grip.

At the sound of these words, Fritjof’s eyes lit up and his fist grasped hold of the lad’s collar once again. Syndri realized his mistake, but it was too late. He despairingly gazed into the killer’s sinister eyes as he felt the blade plunge through his side.

“Thanks for the idea,” Fritjof smiled evilly, “Should have thought of it myself.”

My heart flows to meet

The end of the horizon

No one comes to see me

Alone with the sunset

No one is here for me

Deep sorrow flows from the lone red sun

Under blankets of orange clouds

The sun fades away

From evil night skies ahead

My dear love, where are you?

When the sun is leaving the world

To rise another day without you

Please make this the last time

That you are apart from me

My dear moon rose,

Come flowing to the shoreline

Silently into my open arms

https://youtu.be/-b8_89vlkaI

(Same Lullaby again)

*I’m obsessed with it, sorry guys.*

You are the wind

that blows through

my heart, where it

is perpetually Fall,

Tossing up maple leaves,

Wafting cinnamon,

Carrying the laughter

of children;

One could not be

without the other

feelings

oh

feelings that aren't my own

no

aren't they?

disconnected

they'd say

just a whisper,

yes?

feelings

just

little shimmers of things

feeding animals

like myself

not

mine. i don't really

feel

i guess

it's not the same, anyway

no.

I can't say I have

haven't i

it's just

the tumbling of

strange? feelings

lost in the

hole

in my chest

She lives in daydreams with me

I don’t know why, no idea

She’s a tear in my heart

I’m on fire, cut me farther

She plays songs I’ve never heard

And my bones start breaking

My heart starts shaking

Since we know my

Dreams are dead please, oh

Please, lets pretend I can

Treat you better than anyone else can

You’re so golden as I open my eyes

And I have no idea, no

Instructions, I’m freaking out

The story of my life

I take her home

Remember when I was

Falling in love, oh

And we danced all night

Smooth as silky lightening in

The incandescent air

Emotion, devotion

Coming to take my life

I know what it’s like

I fell for it twice and

Now I’m just warning you

Just say the word and

I’ll go anywhere blindly

They said run, don’t walk away

Now I’m a little too late

The way you bend the rules

We’re waking up to ash and dust

Everything, everything you touch turns to gold

We’ve got to get away we’ve got to

We’ve got to turn up the crazy

Meet me in the hallway and

Just let me dance, there’s

Nothing holding me back

Breathe me in, breathe me out

She wants me, she needs me

Nobody can take me

Nobody can drag me down

I like the way you talk, about

Staring in the clouds to

Our big bright future

It’s fun to fantasize about our

High, high hopes please

Don’t ever change please

Don’t give up it’s a little complicated

I’m bleeding out for you

You tell me to hold on

You tell me to hold on blasting

Music from the car radio

More, I need more

More to put my mind at ease

If this is a dream, don’t wake me

The man was in bed, and he dreamed.

He dreamed himself becoming the best in his field of news reporting. He was sure to rocket to the top, and dig deep for content that would change the world.

--If he tried.

Later, he thought himself a voice actor. He was sure he would be able to perfect the voice of the dastardly villain cursing the hero in the Saturday morning cartoons.

--If he tried.

Much later, the man pondered, and wondered if something was wrong with him. He should be able to fix himself.

--If he tried.

If only tomorrow were today, he thought.

The man was in bed, and he dreamed.

but it is was so little

a drool and a spittle

that fell from her mouth

so with civil acquittal

dismissed this dental drizzle

and still asked her out

09/06/2020