Some time ago, I contemplated suicide for two weeks straight. I imagined slitting my wrists, slicing my throat open, stabbing myself right in the heart, hanging myself in my closet, electrocuting myself in the bathtub, throwing myself in front of a car - I even Googled a bunch of other ways I could kill myself.

I was still in college, alone in a sea of strangers. All of them seemed to be partying on the ship while I was barely managing to hang onto the life boat. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to hang on anymore.

I thought that I was doomed. I had depression. I had social anxiety. I didn’t have any work experience. I barely had any friends. How could I even dream of having a future in a world where being social was a requirement?

So I pondered all of the ways I could just end it all. After all of the weeks of isolation and numbness, I welcomed the rush that came with contemplating suicide. At the most, I tied a scarf around my neck in order to get a sense of what it felt like to choke.

I didn’t do anything more than that, but I did ponder over what would happen if I followed through on killing myself. I thought of how my parents would have to pay for my funeral. I thought of how they would have to bury me. I thought of how devastated they would be. They would blame themselves. They would ask themselves what they did wrong, what they could’ve done to prevent this. They would think, ‘I failed her’. By ending my life, I would ruin theirs. I didn’t want to do that to them. I didn’t want to do that to my best friend or my little brother, either. Since I didn’t have much of a will to live for myself, they became my reasons for living. They were the reasons why I continued to hold on. They were the ones who were there to support me, to love me, to believe in me when I didn’t have the slightest bit of belief in myself.

It wasn’t until recently that I was able to start liking and believing in myself. I managed to break through all of the selfhatred, isolation, and hopelessness I’ve felt for the majority of my life, thanks to all of the love, care, and help that I’ve received from my family (best friend, included - she’s like a sister to me) as well as my therapist. It took a long time to get to where I am now, and I couldn’t have possibly made it here without them. Sure, I still have my fair share of problems and obstacles to overcome, but I want to live. There are still so many more memories I want to make with them. There are still so many things I want to do. I don’t want to give up on any of that. It’s just the beginning of the rest of my life and I want to do what I can to grow. At my own pace. One step at a time.

One

short

lifetime

we

have

To

find

Three

meaningful

reasons

For

why

we

are

here.

All

dreams

require

only

patience

in

navigating

the

hardships;

eventually

one

can

expect

achieving

Nirvana.

Breathe.

Enough

No

Zero

Oxygen

Dissociation

Inhale.

Anxiety

Zapping

Everything

Put

In

Negative

Enabled

Sight.

Soundlessness

In

Life's

Existence

Needs

Cautious

Elegance;

In

Surplus,

Gaps

Only

Leave

Dead

Empty

Nothings

Circling

in

ripples

completely

undone;

mediocrity

laughs

out-loud

callously

under

the

introspect

of

nights

spent

Do you remember

When I promised

That it would be

Okay someday?

I don't promise

That anymore.

I've realized that

Okay isn't better.

I want it

Bite me

Rake your nails all over me

Grab my hips until they bruise

Push and pull and pin until I'm gasping for breath

I know I can be wanted

I'm soft, sexy, so ready

I'll give as good as I get

Scar for scar, moan for moan

You won't hear anything but your name echoing off the walls

I've just got one request

One thing to make it just how I want it

The rest is up to you

Make it burn, make it hit me deep and hard and inescapable 

I want to remember this