in this house

we flush our problems down the toilet

so that suffering and grief is only ever the gurgle of water/ wondrous/

thirsty/ as it swallows whatever we need to get rid of.

this is how we did away with my goldfish

& they say,

too, that this is how my mama did away with my baby sister/ coathanger and toilet/

felt like wet paint. said it was all dark

/and warm red.

in this house we break teeth not bones;

here we are taught: love is not gentle or pretty.

love is mutilation, soft /soft hurt,

feeding me your bits of rotten meat/ and tender fatigue/

and praying

that when god forgets you

& you become nothing less/ or more

than carrion amongst carrion in still water,

she will give you a (new) body

so much greater

than this.

#poetry #fiction

Let me paint you

bathed in morning light

peach tints

pockets of my heart

cradled in azure symphony

of misty waterfalls

light blue of tears

sparkling jaded shadows

audacity of rose petals

cushioned in

room full of peaches

a vivid lavender sky

flashing amethyst shades

the pomegranate euphoria

of mango mornings

pina colada skies

over teal seas

and shell flecked

white seas

vanilla frothed

footprints

leading to me

shades of

wine sunsets

all reflections

of the feelings

I have for you

love of my life.

we'd meet in the swimming pool with blue-green square tiled walls and no water

every tuesday at 2am

and we'd lie down spreadeagled on the floor of the pool

wondering what it would feel like

if we were lying flat under 15,000 litres of water

and then you'd laugh

and i'd laugh too but only because you laughed

and i love the way your eyes crinkle

and you'd say that it's nice somehow

to dream about being trapped but actually being free

because you usually stay awake at night

thinking of things the other way round,

trying to run away from life

and i would say me too

and then we'd be still and silent for a little while

just being happy with eachother and forgetting about all there is to think and care about.

one day you pulled me closer

and i rolled to your side

and you pressed your mouth to my ear and whispered

my momma found out about us last tuesday

and she told me not to come here anymore

and this might probably be the last time we can be like this so

please, Even,

can i give you a kiss?

your kiss would be our very first and last kiss

that i had dreamt about for many nights

so i said yes, of course, i love you

and i wanted to close my eyes but i didn't because i had to see you.

it tasted like the cheap mint chewing gum

that you get from the corner store near your house

and that i would start to get

every friday onwards

because i never wanted to forget the taste of you.

and then we would stop staring into the night sky through the metal wire

chain-link fence beside the pool

and we'd climb out

and we'd hug because we were tired of waiting till tuesdays to hold eachother

and then we would start making our ways home,

out of the alley, you and i walking half of the highway

then splitting up down two smaller streets

then turning and turning farther away from where we remember seeing the other

until i wouldn't be able to chase after you and find you

even if i tried

because you'd be too far gone

and that's how things were.

that's how things were supposed to be.

i could never find you and you could never find me.

we could only ever find the street sign where our lives intersected

and trust in the other to be there too

and pretend for a night

that we would never lose eachother

and that we'd always be kids

and that we'd always live where we did

and that we could always come to this street sign at 2am on tuesdays when we needed a friend

and that our parents would never find out

and that we could hold eachother for as long as we ever wanted or needed to

and that we loved eachother

because

didn't we?

didn't we love eachother so, so much?

didn't our love transcend the two small worlds we each lived in?

wasn't our love an infinity

that would never, ever die?

#verylongpost #poetry #congratsifyougotthroughthat #sweetyounglovethatneverlasts

i. tomorrow is never promised

so don't leave anything unsaid

ii. tell your friends i love you

every day

because who knows if you're the only one in their lives

that is willing to say that

iii. and goddammit everyone deserves to love

and be loved

at least once in their lifetime

#justrandomthoughtsforgivemeitsbad #poetry

Drain my brain,

unshackle the chain,

my thoughts

are insane,

rotten regards

swimming

in insanity sea -

let them be -

arms marred

by scars.

Infinity

swirls and twirls,

doors left ajar,

marching stars -

so bizarre.

Mind rust and dust

struggle for trust,

unseeing being

lost and tossed

in dark of night,

staggering

in moon light.

Fragments

muddled and

befuddled.

Hold nigh

lamp of truth

high in sky.

My heart

has paid the cost

and I am

forever lost

in translation.

#Challenge #MindRust @ForeverLost

So, I've heard that you're writing something new?

Uhm... - grumbles from the laptop.

Anything good...? - asks the friendly meddler.

Oh, yes. Very interesting, a lot of plot, action and romance/comedy and a lot of... - keeps talking, gesticulating wildly with her hands up in the air, her eyes still on the laptop, eyebrows furrowed as she tries to make a character do as he's told... and failing.

Facing definite rebellion as she writes.

That sounds great ! - unnecessary enthusiasm from the listener.

Sure, sure... - the sound of angry taping against the keyboard fills the room.

So how's it going to end ? - another question to interrupt the writing process.

Hmm... got absolutely no bloody idea... - click, click, click... tap, tap, tap on the laptop.

But aren't you the writer... the author of the story? If not you, then who, right? - The meddler sounds confused and dubious at the same time.

She finally looks up, her glasses reflecting the blue screen in front of her. She looks calmly and smiles for the first time this evening.

Oh, honey... I have no idea... I make this up as I go... didn't you know? - her smile turns darker and seductive somehow.

Why are you looking at me like that? - He asks nervously, loosening his up his tie.

No reason... just came up with a new character... a victim in a suit... perfect... now the rest of the story finally makes sense.

She looks one last time at him and starts to write again. A new lead to her story unraveling before her. Her characters filling up her head with new lines and a lot of snide comments.

The "author" taps away, the smile still on her lips.

1. forget about all the yourselfs you've lost in empty hotel rooms that nobody paid for,

forget they even existed.

you are the only yourself that the world will ever need.

2. if you wake up in the middle of a sleepless night

sitting cross-legged

on the edge of your bed,

gun pressed to your head,

fingers clenching like the blinking stars of our hands

when we were five and sang twinkle twinkle little star,

know that i love you

and please remind yourself

which side of the gun

you should be on.

3. your arms around me

are enough.

they always will be.

4. if you can feel a panic attack

coming,

please don't lock yourself in your room

and turn the music up

just a little bit

and check, frantically,

that the curtains are closed

and press your eyelids shut

as if they were hands pressed together in prayer.

breathe slowly and ground yourself:

find five different things you can see,

four things you can feel,

three things you can hear,

two things you can smell

and one thing you can taste.

take a deep breath with each thing you find.

5. i know it's never nice to lose yourself,

but sometimes it happens

so you can become stronger.

6. your favourite flower

is the yellow chrysanthemum.

7. you matter.

8. in the end,

you are your own hero.

you don't need wings

or a cape

or a wish

to fly.

9. don't be scared.

10. i love you, i will always love you, i have always loved you. now and forever.

11. i'm sorry.

#poetry #fiction

it is cold and i stand on the verge of maybe,

feet curling over the edge.

before me lies the sea

and behind me stone.

before me it is dark and the waves move endlessly.

before me beckons,

because whether the fall kills me or not

i can trust in the water to bring me home.

before me is so wide and distant and alone;

i think it needs a friend.

behind me is the graveyard

where we used to talk through the night,

huddled in the wings of an angel statue-

when we were young

and didn’t yet know the name of fear.

behind me is my childhood,

the weathervane in the shape of a flying dove

that i painted when we were seven,

the braids i tied in your hair when we were eight,

the flower crown of wildflowers i made

when we were nine.

i’ve been here some five thousand times

and i’ve never been able to take the step.

make the jump.

leave the rock and stone behind

for the embrace of the water.

now it’s the last time and i look to the night sky.

all the things that i am stuck in-between –

the water, the rock,

my childhood, my possibilities –

they stare up into the same apologetic sky.

there are no stars,

no moons,

no suns.

maybe it has made space for me.

maybe it is waiting for me.

maybe it doesn’t care about the water or the rock.

maybe it won’t tell me how to love.

maybe it’ll teach me how to dream.

i step off the verge of maybe,

my arms reaching out as if to fly.

for a moment the air catches me with outstretched hands,

as if it was holding me

one last time.

then i fall

and

the water becomes my world entire.

it is cold and i feel infinite.

#poetry

Falling apart.

Like a flower.

My petals being pulled out.

By a childish five year old.

I can never stay together.