A woman and a man

Walk hand in hand

Because they can

They live in a dreamland

I glance her way

She stands slumped

I want her to stay

But I'm stumped

No one would accept it

Not here, not now

Not even one bit

How could they allow

A girl to like a girl

A boy to like a boy

They would hurl

Insults and slurs with joy

I walk over to her

'Hey' I say

My hearts a blur

She's whisked it away

'Oh, hi' she says quietly

We smile

Suddenly I don't care about society

I think I'll stay for a awhile

Too much

That’s me summed up in two words

Too much

I care too much

I stress too much

I love too much

I forgive too much

I think too much

I say too much

I feel too much

I give too much

I’m just too much

I’m too much to understand

I’m just too complex

Am I supposed to apologise

For something I can’t control?

This is who I am

It’s always been me

Should I say I’m sorry

Because I cannot change?

Sometimes i wish I could

Because being too much hurts

I get used, abused

Taken for granted

Broken

Shattered

Decimated

While all they do is watch

Why the fuck was I made this way?

I ask this every day

Can’t I just not give a shit?

Can’t I drown in apathy?

Oh please let me drown

Into the depths of ignorance

Bury me in naivety

And save me from myself

©️Chanelle Joy

16/4/18

I don't understand why Mama left me. Sometimes it makes me want to scream. Other times I just cry.

Papa says that Mama loves me, that when I'm older I'll understand. I don't understand that. Tristan's Mama loves him and she's with him every day. His Mama looks at me with sad eyes sometimes. I don't like it. It makes me angry and sick, like she knows a secret that I don't. Papa says Shayla just has one of those faces, because he doesn't like looking at her either. He always says it in front of her (probably because he wants to start a fight), but Tristan says that it doesn't bother his Mama. Papa doesn't know that I see it, but when he looks at Shayla, his eyes look sad, but he feels angry. I don't understand how he can be both.

Auntie explained death to me, and I thought that made sense. That's why Mama couldn't visit me. That's why I couldn't see her. I asked Papa why he didn't tell me that Mama had died. He looked confused and then angry, and asked me who told me that Mama was dead. He doesn't like when Auntie tells me things because he says that 'she doesn't understand shit.' And she's a bitch. (I'm not supposed to say those words. Papa says that Mama will know that he curses in front of me.) Papa said that my Mama isn't dead. I got angry. Papa let me scream. He sat on the floor and pulled me into his lap and he rocked me while I cried. I fell asleep and dreamed. I dreamed of a soft voice, warm and soothing, that told me I was loved. I felt a gentle touch, so gentle that I almost missed it, and it made me cry. I didn't want to lose the feeling.

I woke up, and Papa was watching over me. He talked to me about what happened and he told me that he was sorry he couldn't take my hurt away, or explain things. He told me again that everything would make sense when I was older. I was tired of hearing that, and tired of waiting.

I was going to find Mama.

the reasons why I know you care

you try to put in denial

but I know the truth

I have been there

I have seen it

experience it for myself

and if you want to put in a box

marked “never happened”

then by all means

be my guest

but as much as you think you can forget it

my memories are quite strong

my senses always well build

the things I hear

the smells I breathe it

how I remember your tender touch

it’s all in me

I can’t forget

and neither can you

no matter how much you tell yourself otherwise

I can’t be erased from your life

I am imprinted on your brain

I have left footprints on the edge of your moon

my light is not as strong as it was for you

in the beginning of it all

but the lighthouse still stands

it casts a shadow on the sea

even if you can no longer see it

that way I can

don’t make me a blur

on your skyline,

don’t cover me with fog

hoping I will disappear

because I am not just thin air...

well maybe not even that

because you know I am here

you just changed the glass on the vision

of the landscape

in which you see me

you put on your pink glasses

hoping you will forget my red gleam

but remember this darling,

one of these days, you are going to have to take them off

.....................................................................................................................

in contradiction to the title, but such a strong vibe for me...

https://youtu.be/j-b2kGCh2vI