We breathe the pain

Torturous rivers

Winding deep

Souls on fire

We never sleep

We suffer the moments

Grasping at straws

That promise hope

While blood burns hot

We cannot cope

We implode in nightmares

Needles sharp

And dull aches roar

Our bodies protest

There's ever more

We struggle onward

Elusive answers

Hidden from sight

Each aching failure

A rotting blight

Hope is a farce

Luxurious fantasies

Ethereal as air

Dance like motes in the sunlight

While our hearts are laid bare

Please take our hands

We can not survive

Alone in our shells

Sweep us away

From our living hells

#chronicpain #poetry

I died overnight

Or maybe it took a few days

But it happened fast

That much I know

And it gave me new eyes

And a fresh set of ears

And an opened heart

But I am alone here

In this limbic state of 

Death.

I have had a few visitors

But none have stayed long

The water is crimson

My Blood is Your Wine 

And the air is thick

Soot fills my lungs

And I exhale Your ghosts

I watch them dance in the moonlight

Clapping and 

I keep the beat of 

A rhythm unheard by The Others

I wish I was drunk

Or delusional

Like Them.

Organizing my priorities

Based on a value

Decided by humans

Unwarranted decisions

Lost in the crowd and 

A need

Prompted by fear

But wait

I am drunk.

But drunk in my current state 

Of death

Indescribable and 

It doesn't help The Situation

I cannot belong 

As an outsider

Traveling through

This dusty town of 

Judgmental evangelists 

Preaching to the choir but 

I am fevered with

An unending illness

And the only escape

Is death from This Death

But how do I tie 

A noose seen in movies

And realized honest

In the history of the South

Breaking my own neck 

To drain the indifference

And the awareness that haunts me 

I am dead

But not dead enough

I need to escape 

But I am aware of the myth 

These violent delights have violent ends

You listened as words mingled with dripping

Silence as heavy as nightfall

Covered your shattered ears

These violent delights have violent ends

You thought as the slashing turned to feathers caressing

White oblivion

Shaded the colored world

These violent delights have violent ends

You heard as alcohol stung

The chattering chains

Released their metallic grasp

These violent delights have violent ends

You carried as shadows clung your feet

Red beckoned

A comforting friend

These violent delights have violent ends

You fell head rolling

Jade words never to reach

If only they first could .

Those I loved the best

Tears I've lost and gentle rest.

Each year is a flash in time

The pendulum swings so sublime

Fox watches as you do the rhyme

Regret is only for those who test

and haven't learned the lesson yet.

I listen to the voices,

Surrounding me.

As they pull me

Left and right,

But I'm stuck

In between

Everything,

I once knew

And everything

That is true.

Shuffling forward

We march like soldiers

Invisible chains rattling

That only we can hear

All crammed together

In that box

We jiggle a little

I keep my eyes on the numbers

In that crammed elevator and imagine

That death awaits me at the bottom

Like a gas chamber

Waiting to spit out its last breath

Jiggle

Jiggle

Down we go

To meet a collection of many tables

And glue and sparkly things

I don’t die

There is an exercise bike

And a fat woman rides

Always going

Nowhere

The piano makes me sad

I remember other things

And better days

Before I flew

Out of my mind

But down I sit

My fingers stumble like a bad lover

And I play the song of my life

Wanting only to cry

The crazy people look at me

They are smiling

I smile too- at what

I do not know

But on with the show!

I do not understand

How I got here

Or why

I march outside and watch the worker

Water the flowers

In the burning heat

A man walks in circles

And circles and circles

He is pleased to be talking

With himself

Round and round he goes

A curious machine

That brings

A heavy verdict

He discusses

Heaven and hell

Another jumps up and kicks the wall

Is he real?

Is he an angel? A devil?

Did he come up from a pit?

Did I see bats?

Are they birds?

I watch them fly away

Up and out of the high walls that surround

All of us here on lock down

The sunny workers in the flowered pajamas

Are careful to say lovely things

So we know

We’re sane

I swing and swing

Every day

On that damn bench

That never goes anywhere

Up we go

Jiggle

Jiggle

Back to the halls and walls that are plastered with rules

That we’re supposed to understand

There are smiley faces

That tell us

We are people too

Here on this safe floor with no lighters or sharp metal things

And we wait

Watching the new ones march in

I am uncertain

If I am dead or alive

I go to the bathroom

Shut the door

And try to cry

No tears

The night brings another solemn gathering

Of people standing in line

For the third time

Today

To eat

And snacks too

I am a wild animal in these glass-windowed walls

I do not know how to get out

My eyes are black as mud inside

And my tears have been taken

By terror (the mirror does not lie)

Out I shuffle

With bare feet and no socks

In my spotted gown

Down

The hall

And we all

March like soldiers

And stand in a sad line

To get our pills

Which make us feel

At least for a little while

Like we are sleeping

As we lie awake in this place

Flying out of our minds

Always telling myself to get through

Because at the end it will all work out

After however many years of hell

After a lifetime of tears and pain

I will make it to somewhere happy

I will make it and I will have a father again

Something I have lacked my whole life

A father who will hold me and tell me

It's all going to be okay

A father who can see me take my first steps

And feels pride

A father to whom I will show my colorings

That he will hang upon his wall

I will spin in the living room

In my prom dress

And he will have tears in his eyes as he calls me his princess

And walks me to the door where she stands

Ready to take me out

I will have the father I always wanted

But never was here

He's waiting for me up there

He who made me, shall then support me

But does God accept the broken?

For that is what I am

Will I step upon heaven's veranda

Only to be told it's too late

Too late to save a shattered soul

Will I be left pounding on the gates of heaven?

Left to those selfsame demons who live in my mind

Forsaken by the hope which I've held

Abandoned by another father

Because I will never be good enough

The mind precedes hurricanes

Much surprises awaits its turn

Then it knocks you down

Then you watch as it uproots roots of trees.

Immortality is a fantasy

The men who knew of it

Will tell you

Sync your mind with the soul

Would immortality become a reality?

Would you resist honey,

Poured over your body?

In the moment of purgatory?

Would you breathe to give your paintings a soul if it were your child?

Would you train your tongue to taste fire if you are promised the whole world?

I sing with the voice of Iblis

I praise singers with terrible voices

So my friends ask,

How do you do this with no sign of ridicule?

Then I throw in question for question.

What makes you think of that in the first place?

What I'd want for Christmas is something of an impossible task,

I'd wish for my grandfather to have more time before he'd pass.

I'd wish for my stillborn cousin to have a chance at life,

I'd wish that my uncle wasn't cheated on by his wife.

I'd wish that my arm wasn't broken by the kid who hated the gays,

I'd wish my great grandfather didn't have to suffer from everlasting pain for the rest of his days.

I'd wish that I could banish this suffocating depression,

I'd wish that so many people in the world didn't suffer from oppression.

I'd wish that I wasn't constantly locked into lockers at school,

I'd wish that my best friend hadn't broken her neck after falling off of a stool.

I'd wish I wasn't currently trapped in class and being continuously made fun of for my sexuality,

I'd wish that the world could finally find peace; achieve equality.

But, of course, there's no way these wishes would ever be granted,

I'm a fool for wishing; I'm a fool for hoping.

what are we fighting for why are we still believing in hope,I’m tired of waiting for my paradise and I don’t think I can make it till the sunrise you say to yourself only one more pill I’ll be there in heaven but god do you accept the demented and broken. Do you accept the mistakes, I'm gonna lose my soul tonight I gonna sleep through the darkness and the sunny days, and never wake but that’s what you wanted depression you wanted me to jump over the balcony and never wake but I won this time I slept through the cuts the scars,the attempts .won’t you just let me sleep you ravenous devil I did what you asked why are you so mad I attempted but I didn’t commit to this You chained my brain to an electric chair and locked my soul in my throat you told me only if you hang yourself and you will release my soul and then you’ll be finally free.This would cost my life at the time of my decisions I didn’t realize that my life was worth something so I sold my soul to hades.So I overdose comatose on this imagination fragmentation of reality that my sadness would go away at the time I didn’t know it was madness.I didn’t realize that my depression was slowly killing me and billing with me negative thoughts so I bought into it and got hurt.

Depression sucks