She died without knowing I love her.  She had so much pain at the end, I thought it was 

selfish to tell her about my feelings as she laid there in the oncology ward, retching uncontrollably from the medicine that was to make her better.

It all started when I answered the ad for a math tutor, she was in her senior year of college and needed this class to graduate.  She answered the door, and I was struck by her smile. 

As we went on, I'd steal silent stares.  We grew close over those weeks, we became friends too.  But then she started looking like she had lost a lot of weight in those last few sessions.  She had asked me to come to the doctor with her, because she was scared.  She said she had a feeling she knew what it was.

So I went with her, all the while, taking in those long silent stares as much as I could.  I didn't say anything then because she just needed a shoulder at that time.  A hand to hold on to.  And that's what I did till the end, held her hand, somehow, I felt like she knew.

It is one of the darkest days

Darkness;

Something I can't ever get rid of

Something that haunts my daily existence

It's hard waking up in the morning knowing,

Knowing you're gonna be sad the whole day

Knowing that every time you think if something you're gonna cry

Knowing you can't see your family

Knowing you have no friends

Knowing.

Just knowing you're gonna hate today

I love you

OKAY!

I said it

I can't hold it in anymore

My emotions keep pouring

I can't stop them from flowing

It's the way you treat me

Your eyes just drink my soul

The way you hold me

The sounds of your little kisses

The lovemaking that replenishes my body

I never felt this before

Always on the back burner

You give me this pedestal

You give me so many reasons to smile

You give me every reason to breathe

I have said everything now

Everything you need to know

OKAY??

I love you!!

K.j.a. (c) 2017

You tell me

I have forsaken my dreams

Somewhere between

The starlight and moonbeams.

But the sun blinds

Your condemnatory eyes

For I have never thrived in the light.

Dearest, I've always been one with the night.

If only        I could gaze into liquid pools

                  of your bottomless eyes,

                  see the dusk of your shadow

                  knowing you are part of me.

If only        I could tell you I want to wrap

                  you inside me in gossamer threads,

                  heart beating in time with mine,

                 feeling your body caress mine.

If only       Layered in fluidity of your words

                 I could feel your love lingering

                 with me in cushioning warmth,

                 a forever radiance I could grasp,

                 clutching forever in a corner of

                 my skin with you filling my pockets.

If only       Without tasting your essence,

                  I could savor your soul in droplets

                  of passion lingering on my tongue,

                  hold your memory zippered inside.

If only        I could feel you beside me, breathing,

                  cherished thoughts of what we shared

                  before you return from whence you came,

                  while I remain here, alone, yearning for you.

                  cold wet earth slipping through my fingers.

You presented yourself to me,

Gilded and caged,

A perfection personified.

But my heart cannot be captured

With a false sheen and chains.

And my eyes are not blind

To the pain you confine.

So, call me Pandora and give me the key.

If you desire my heart, I'm setting yours free.

They called me fat and ugly

They called me shrimpy too

They said that I was useless

If only they really knew

I always was the last one

When teams were picked for sports

Then when on the playing field

The bullies pulled down my shorts

The teachers only laughed at me

When I began to cry

What they forgot was deep inside

I wanted just to die

It's hard when you are different

When you have to go to school

With children who learn to bully

Are the ones who are most cruel

Those wounds that are inflicted

Upon innocent children so young

Can scar them for a lifetime

Climbing life's ladder rung by rung

The measure of each person

Are not those things you see

But their unique abilities

When no higher than your knee

Children are like gardens

Where weeds and flowers grow

Which ones they might become

We really do not know

But if they are loved and cared

Then taught to be good and kind

They might blossom into a lovely person

That might be what you find

Try to see the inner light

That every living being shines

You must see past the physical

Then read between the lines

Those little personalities we encourage

May take a different course

Because each is a masterwork unfinished

Where we all help set their course.

You stand before me statuesque

Silhouetted in the moonlight

Your bare form a dark shadow

In the moonlit night air

I drink deep your intoxicating beauty

Then you raise your arms together

A slowly dance in a slow twirl

To some unheard music of the night

Beckoning to me to join you

In your nocturnal waltz of the moon

Together in the moonlight we dance

To music only we can hear

Your warm chest against my skin

Hard tips pressing in

My organ playing & dances to your music

A new tune of its own creation

Felt upon your soft form

The tickle of its keys

Looking in my eyes

Whirling around again

Dropping to your knees

To join this organ in its dance

There in the moonlight

All the stars watching

The organ plays into your hungry symphony hall

Suckling like a hungry baby

Upon a mothers breast

Concerns and stress melt away forgotten

Feeling safe and at home there

Relaxed at peace and very secure

This feeling is so right and pure

Your poetic expression on oral display

If only this singing could last all night and day

Why this act of love completes you

Perhaps you may never really know

But when this organ finally feeds you

There's a sense of gratification

Well being and satisfaction from head to toe

You are the musician and I your instrument

Playing upon this organ your musical pleasures

To play this instrument to its climax

Then feast upon the reward you treasure

Together we play our symphony

Composed together on this instrument of your pleasure

Singing a sweet refrain to treasure

Resounding chords in your throat

When you start to feel that climax approach

The moment those notes of pleasure hit your tongue

Is the moment you finally come

Until the flow of music is done

A symphony in oral pleasure

The music for every release

Beckons you onward to sing a refrain

An orgasmic symphony repeated in every release

Sometimes I feel like crawling under a rock,

Where I can quietly die,

Sometimes I just get tired of life,

And no longer want to try,

Sometimes I wish there was a hole,

Deep within the ground,

That I could quickly crawl into,

Where I couldn't hear a sound,

Sometimes I would give anything,

If I just didn't have to be me,

Sometimes I wish I could flip a switch,

To set my sprit free,

Sometimes I feel so deeply ashamed,

At what I've not accomplished,

Sometimes I simply feel that I,

Deserved to be admonished,

These feeling coursing through me,

I don't really understand,

The pressure to succeed, I suppose,

Has gotten the upper hand,

Thoughts of resignation,

Reflections of low self worth,

That I am less than worthless dirt,

Unfit for even this earth,

Loneliness is a very dark place,

That eats away at your soul,

Accompanied by self-loathing,

With self-destruction as its goal,

Depression is a dark place too,

That sucks at the very soul,

A lifetime of experiences,

Lost in that black hole,

Perhaps I might never overcome,

These frequently paralyzing days,

But if I take one-day-at-a-time,

Then I can handle this crazy maze!