Some Days
Some days just feel like a bad rehearsal.
When the lighting is too bright in your face
And you have to squint and turn your head
So you don’t go blind.
Then your costume won’t zip properly
So you use every safety pin you can find
In order to keep yourself together
Without revealing anything to everyone else.
And your voice just isn’t loud enough.
No matter how much you project
Or how high the volume on the mic is,
No one can hear you.
But you go on because all the world’s a stage
And you’re expected to play your part.
To speak when your mouth is numb and
Cut off your sleeves
So you can’t wear your heart.
Stupid profile pic...
This post may sound conceited in the beginning; I understand and fully acknowledge this beforehand. However, if you are reading this, you either follow me and know what I truly think about myself or you are going through my feeble works, trying to decide if what I have put out into the world has value. (How’s that for a self-deprecating statement? Because, trust me, I do it ALL the time!)
As I look at the profile picture I currently have set up on this website, I can see a few things that people have pointed out to me that are positive attributes. I do have relatively clear skin. I do have full lips. And my eyes are piercing. It does appear as though I’m looking right at you…even when I look at it, I get creeped out because my stare is intense.
I'll admit I believe my eyes are my best physical attribute. Unfortunately, (in my opinion) because I took this picture in Sepia tone, you cannot truly tell what color they are. They are blue, and my mood will reflect the shade. If I'm content or relaxed, they are a pale, almost ice-blue. If they are dark and stormy, I'm either very emotional, or under the influence of a substance. The makeup is just and accent. I rarely wear it because I'm too lazy to apply, and this particular day, I let my teenage daughters make me over.
Most people don’t have an issue with this picture. In fact, I’ve gotten a lot of positive responses on it. It shocked the hell out of me, simply because I just don't see it.
But…because I am who I am, I MUST critique myself; beat myself down so that I don’t get too comfortable, cocky, or confident.
I am about to break down for you what is wrong with this picture in MY eyes. For reference, when I say left and right, I am speaking in regards to true left and right, not the mirror image that the photo represents. The reason I do this will give you greater insight into my writings, my emotions, and my general purpose for sharing as a release.
The right side of my face is bigger, and higher in certain spots. Look at my right eye, for starters. It is more wide open. It is also higher set, and the eyebrow higher set and thinner than the left. Of course, the sagging underneath the eye is more obvious. Though my nostrils are close, you can clearly see that the right one comes up slightly more than the left. My right cheek is more pronounced; it looks like I either have a wad of dip (snuff, tobacco, etc. for those of you not from the South) in my right cheek. In addition, my lips are fuller on the right side (although, to be honest, this could be because of the way that I hold my mouth. I hate my teeth; I destroyed them when I battled an eating disorder in my teens and after the birth of my children, so I show them as little as possible when I smile.) Also, when I smirk, my mouth naturally pulls to the left.
If you are reading this and seeing the picture, you are probably shaking your head and saying, “Damn…all that BS from a selfie?” Unfortunately, yes.
All I ask is that you imagine a photo of yourself, then pretend that you have a very low self-esteem and cut your image down the way that a stranger would. This is how I live my life daily. But, I wear a mask of self-confidence because I have two young ladies about to be 16 years old that do not need to feel about themselves and their bodies the way that their Mama does. Do I want or need pity? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I struggle daily to uplift my daughters and make sure they know that their worth is SO much more than their physical appearance; I do NOT want them to make the same mistakes I did solely to be accepted within society. All I ask is acknowledgement and understanding that I feel and think this way, whether you agree or not.
we the wolfmen
listen: there is a reason for the howling. we growl because it’s the only way we are heard. we are only listened to when we bare our teeth and break skin, and even then we are only met with a mere moment of attention before you twist the dial up on the radio and change the channel so our cries are out of range. you make us white noise, we raise our voice, and so it goes.
listen: very few of us still have our voices. most of our vocal cords have been plucked from our larynges, skinned, cooked, and chewed right off the bone. hear them smack their lips as they strip us of all that we have. we have nothing.
listen: we tried to be gentle. we tried to shake hands with the system and instead we wiped its spit off our wet cheeks. we retracted our claws, and our lion hearts were led to hope like sheep to slaughter. they invited us to dinner and served us our sisters on the plates, used our flag as a communal napkin to wipe their greasy mouths, toasted our blood in flutes of champagne. after dinner, they walked us out, exiled us from their backyard, their fields, their states, their oceans. they gave us a gallon of gasoline and a lighter and said goodbye.
listen: we must go out snarling. we will sleep in the crackles of the static, crouch and hold our breath between the waves and currents, bathe in electricity until we are ready to wage a lightning war. heart, kidney, sternum. we will never strike the same place twice. see our blitzkrieg socking streets near you. watch the sidewalks bleed pepper spray and tear gas.
listen: these actions cannot echo any longer. repetition rubs shoulders with insanity, and history herself cannot survive another night of close quarters. we have grieved so much for our brothers that we do not have enough energy to mourn for ourselves. there is a reason for the howling. we are only wolves when we have to be.
listen: they want us extinct. we understand this confuses you. we understand that to you, this word has no meaning. we understand you cannot feel the magnitude of this earthquake.
listen: you have never been trapped so you do not know the muzzle, you do not recognize the confinements of the cage.
Mutilated Reflection
Half past midnight, I must flee
it’s raining in corner, splashing on floor
turn up the volume so I can’t hear my sorrow
rusty nail protrudes from under my feet.
Won’t somebody stay with me tonight?
I lurch and stagger, incomplete and alone
tightrope dangles, untied at one end
shaking loose things that made me proud
doors slam shut on my fragmented parts
Won’t somebody stay with me tonight?
Running backward from broken dreams
inking my flailing dirge of fractured life
pulverized threats and wounded honor
floodgates burst, won’t let joy survive
Won’t somebody stay with me tonight?
Hands of time strike too late for me
I beg to be a part of something
my body coffin, walks with damaged people
mutilated reflection, we are all broken.
Won’t somebody stay with me tonight?
Numb
Clustered in a corner,
Teeth barred
Little wolf pup
Whimpers in the night
Fierce protector
To who?
Pack has run away
Turned their noses up
Cackled as you fell
Bloodied paws carry
Wounded pride
Watch the stars fall
See them nestled
Against fur
Shine brightly
Little wolf run
Pause at the mountains
Sing to the sky
Catch the sprites
That dart through trees
Hear them serenade
Remember your name
The way it curls
Around your ears
To settle within
Warmth to blaze
Believe in something more
Gently, o Gently
Gently, o gently,
Please sing
To the lamb.
And warn him
That soon he will perish...
Gently, o gently,
We feed
On his soul.
And soon he will
Be ours, a servant of Hell...
Gently, o gently,
He falls
Down and down.
And never again
Will he be in the light...
Gently, o gently,
He's lost,
Never found.
Goodbye to the world,
You belong to us now...