I quit letting them define me,

I quit trying to please them,

I quit living for other people's dreams,

I quit making excuses,

I quit putting off my own hopes,

I quit blaming others for my mistakes,

I quit living for other's expectations of happiness,

I quit!

I quit!

I quit!

I quit being something I am not,

From today on, I become me.

My life,

My dreams,

My hopes,

My mistakes,

My lessons.

I quit being someone else's ideal,

Because today, I become my own.

I wish I mattered to you,

As much as you do to me.

I wish you could see 

Something special in me.

I wish you could hear,

The breaking of my heart,

Each time you overlook me.

I never mattered,

Forty-two years, it took me to see.

I was the invisible one,

The others just needed you more.

When I needed you, air I grasped,

When they needed you, you they grasped.

I wish I had mattered, I wish you could have seen,

Everything I've ever done, 

Everything I've achieved,

Was all a futile attempt,

For my mother to see me.

I wish I mattered to you,

But I know I never will.

Funny, you still matter to me,

Even now, the tears flow,

Because what I wish, 

Well, that's not how it is.

Dew twinkles like diamonds on velvet petals of crimson, 

Shimmering, shining, sparkling in the morning light.

Morning softness, gentle breezes, making the lights shift and dance,

Glory in simplicity.  Beauty beyond sublime.

The time is fleeting, 

The diamonds vanish into mist,

The sun claiming those jewels as tribute,

For life-giving warmth and light.

The morning dew cannot last forever,

But in one moment, fleeting and swift,

It shimmers like the diamonds set down by faery hands.

I remember when I heard When the Doves Cry for the first time.  The song was one of those that just reached within me, and moved me, and let me feel I was not alone.  That was the beginning of my love affair with your music.  It was special, it was unique, and it was always so soulful.  Each song you recorded, it meant something.  You shared the deepest parts of yourself with the world through those songs, and through those songs you talked to the hurting parts of me.  You helped them heal.  You gave me courage.  You never met me, but you guided me through very difficult times.

I hope that you are at peace, Sweet Prince, I so sincerely do.  I know that you have left to use your music.  In that, you will never be truly gone.

I'm not skinny.  I really wish I was.  I never have been, actually.  My entire life has been spent as the chubby kid, the husky girl, the thick one.  I love how people assume that I eat too much, or I eat a lot of sweets, or that I don't exercise.  They assume these things without ever knowing me because I am not skinny.  That's bullshit.

I actually walk to and from work, and when I get home I take my dogs for a walk.  I also do the gym twice a week, to get a good cardio workout.  I cannot stand sweets or junk food.  My food heaven?  It would be some deliciously steamed asparagus.  I would rather have a salad than pasta.  Despite this, and my carefully controlled diet, I'm still heavy.  

I had to hear it from my own father growing up.  He loved to point out I was getting heavy, or fat, to me.  My brother was especially rude about it.  He delighted in the mental anguish his teasing caused.  My home was not a safe place for the fat girl.  No, she was mocked more brutally there than she was ever mocked at school.  I never knew I had a medical condition until I was in my late thirties.  My father refused to entertain the notion that it could be caused by anything other than laziness and gluttony, so he never had any real tests run.  Fat people are fat because they lack self-control, at least in HIS world.  That is why thirty years went by before I found out I had a genuine medical condition.

PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome - and weight gain was only one of the symptoms and problems.  This condition also put me at great risk of heart disease, diabetes, and other serious health complications.  It raged unchecked in my body for thirty years!  We are now dealing with it, and the damage it has done to other systems of my body in the meantime.  I am actually even losing weight.  Not fast, but I celebrate EVERY pound that comes off with another shot of nice, crisp water! 

When you see a person that is heavy, don't just assume that they are also slobs, lazy, and lacking of any self-control or respect.  You have NO idea the struggle they might be dealing with, or how deeply hurtful that struggle has been. This actually goes for when you see thin people, too.  There are a host of medical conditions and medications that can cause, or prevent, weight gain.  

Better idea.  Why don't you take the time to get to know the person, the mind and soul, and then decide if you like them?  Wrapping is superficial anyway.

They say he is different, and he is.

They rarely pick him for their team,

They rarely invite him to their parties,

Or play with him on the playground.

They say he is different, and he is.

He does not notice being an outcast,

Because he did not decide to let them into HIS world.

He does not mind not going to parties,

Large crowds make him skittish anyway.

They say he is different, and he is.

He is less motivated by the opinions of others,

He is just concerned with being himself.

He is not worried about popularity,

He is king of his own inner world!

They say he is different, and he is.

He is gentle, and he is kind,

He loves puppies and kitties, and all things cute.

He has to have order, things in three,

He laughs, he smiles, he is just fine.

He does not try to impress, 

He just tries to figure people out.

They say he is different, and he is

The Spectrum he sits on has many degrees,

Autism Spectrum Disorder they call it.

It makes him different, but that's ok.

I wouldn't have MY buddy, any other way.

Swinging, laughing, playing,

But not when the drink is in hand.

Giggling, cuddling, talking,

But not when the drink is in hand.

Crying, hurting, afraid,

When the drink is in hand.

Hiding, praying, shaking,

When the drink is in hand.

Daddy is loving, kind, fun,

But not when the drink is in hand.

Daddy is mean, leaves bruises,

But only when the drink is in hand.

Two men, two fathers, two sides,

Which is he?

Is the drink in hand?

There comes a moment in life when we realize that we have to make a choice.  We can remain drifting on the wind like so much dandelion fluff, driven by forces we have no control over.  We can also decide to take control of our futures, own our choices, realize we have the control over our destiny.  We can decide that while we cannot control others, we can control our reactions to others.  We cannot control all things in life, but we can certainly control our own responses to them.  We can stop letting the winds of life drive us, and we can instead unfurl our sails, and be propelled by those very same winds that used to cause us to drift aimlessly.  Once we have come to that moment where we make our choice, where we decide to own our lives, we find the path to happiness is within our grasp.  We say "I am my own person" and we say "This is MY life".  In that moment, in that glorious, shining, and stunning moment, we become.  What do we become?  Well, that's another choice we have to make, isn't it?