I wish that one day I will no longer shake and cry at change

I wish that one day I will finally understand my own mind

I wish that one day I won’t worry about so many “what ifs”

I wish that one day I can smile and truly be happy

I wish that one day I can look at someone and see the good in them

I wish that one day I can look at a room and not see the exit and think the worst

I wish that one day my mind won’t go off track every other thought

I wish that one day I can understand that people actually like me

I wish that one day I can understand that I am not disliked by all

I wish that one day I can understand that I am loved and cared for

I wish that one day I can enjoy my mind, rather than be afraid

I wish that one day my mind will no longer be a confounding puzzle

This is my space

a place where I can reveal who I am

share my darkest thoughts

express my deepest desires and hopes

and no one can come up to me

and punch me in the gut

yell in my face

or scream at me

because of who I am here

my sanctuary.

i will always be an elusive anonymous shadow

no one knows my identity

but

all that can be changed

by a few wandering glances

a misplaced gaze over my shoulder

and I could be exposed

like a painting put up on display

for people to critique and laugh at

right in front of

Because if it does

I’ll just have to slip back into the shadows

for no one to see

ever again.

-Z

Give me back yesterday

I'll trade, I'll beg,

But that won't change

Times eternal swift

One way train,

Give me back every time

I could have loved

I could have fought

I'll do it right always give

To the marrow in my bones

If I'm not looking back

I'm always moving foward

Gotta stay on track

and leave it on the floor

When the only thing that matters

Doesn't matter anymore

I'll find my way through the day

I'll be here moving foward

Regrets have no use

Like scars and broken parts

I carry them in tattoos

To remind me of who you are

Everyone I pushed away

you're still in my heart

If I could you know I would

fight just to hold you in my arms

but time Has taken and forsaken

all The things I love

If I'm not looking back

I'm always moving foward

Gotta stay on track

and leave it on the floor

When the only thing that matters

Doesn't matter anymore

I'll find my way through the day

I'll be here moving foward

Slow and heavy keep it

Steady skipping gravel and

throwing stones in the wind

I'm never in a hurry

I'm on the run again

If I'm not looking back

I'm always moving foward

Gotta stay on track

and leave it on the floor

When the only thing that matters

Doesn't matter anymore

I'll find my way through the day

I'll be here moving foward

i’ve heard it all.

“take more risks”

“be more social”

“get out of your comfort zone”

i take risks.

i dared to love

a sweet boy

despite everything

and fell

wholeheartedly.

i am social.

i have soul-intertwined friends

that always check if my jeans are stained due to an early period.

always.

i am out of my comfort zone.

living is not a comfort.

every day, i put effort

to simply talk and breathe and function.

you may see me as the shy, smart girl

who only studies and is too serious.

i am serious and i do study.

but i'll only ever be that much to you because

you simply don’t know me.

Fire in my mind

Fear in my soul

Knots in my stomach

Its out of control

Heart attack coming

If I open my mouth

Its a piercing inside

That I can't figure out

i know the stars are far apart.

standing here and looking toward the night gives the sense they could be touching, but even as we connect them and give them stories they drift further apart. relentless momentum. the stars watch each other and we watch dead light.

i know the universe is expanding.

if the distance was growing then, now it is waiting. in the day i know the sun is waiting for stars to rise. the night looks infinite now — will it be more so tomorrow? science speaks of chaos and order approaching infinity simultaneously but from opposing perspectives. i have lain at the heart of a frozen lake and watched the dark expand, seen constellations refute themselves as the galaxies revolve. so many small stories — in a thousand years, what new faces will watch from these vaulted ceilings?

i am afraid of time. i know they say it stops for no one. (who says that?)

i see time coming even as it passes me by. time is immaterial but it cannot be refuted like the stars. all things tend toward entropy. what do words mean when reality presses so closely, feels so cruel when you stand at headstones and imagine the faces of people who loved you? someday there will be no one. someday you will feel as cold as the stars, watching time expand around you as your memories walk quietly away, and slowly, you forget the ones who made you laugh.

there are not walls. i know nothing is for certain and though i know nothing for sure, i keep faith close to my heart, where it shines for me like starlight and the night is blue velvet.

life is not a straight line. it’s full of valleys and hills and dips. things that shake us up and scare us.

life is not a straight line. it is our duty as humans, to take these dips and valleys with stride. to embrace them fully and learn from them.

sadly, some people live their lives trying to achieve a straight-line life. no adventures, nothing to shake them up; nothing to scare them out of their mind. they don’t want to be scared. because when you’re scared, you aren’t safe.

these people are safe. too safe if you ask me. they will live their whole life never knowing anything else but their safe little bubble they’ve built. they may try, but will get angry at how hard and different it is. they will return to where they came from, and fall back into the same safe, peaceful place they’ve always known. they may talk of trying it again, but never will. they are safe and safe is good.

but ask anyone who has made themselves uncomfortable. is safe really good? have you ever really learned anything from not trying new things and putting yourself out there? they will tell you no. that “i was dead when i was safe. this, this right here is life.”

i pray and chant and meditate that these safe people will throw themselves into life soon. stop being so afraid. stop being so hard on yourself. you can do it. there’s so much more to the world than your safe little bubble. i promise.

throw yourself out of a plane, climb a mountain, live with an indigenous group for a month. get uncomfortable, get weird, get out of your element.

it’s so much better out here,

in those

valleys

and

dips.

/enna.paz

they can laugh,

make fun.

say that I have

no idea

what I’m talking about.

tell me

that I’m overreacting

to something that

never happened to me

personally.

but i will never apologize for

being affected by

the abuse,

the neglect,

the discrimination,

the hurt

that has drowned women

in the past.

those brave women committed actions that condemned them

to death

so that my head can stay above the water.

and that can not be forgotten.

i will use this voice of mine

to speak out

for all the women

who were pushed under the water

before they could even

utter

a

word.

right now I’m frozen solid

breathing burns

I can’t feel

I know what I’m supposed to feel

but it’s all lost on me

I’ve retreated into my mind

it was submerged a long time ago

I’ve been drowning for months

but I was so so tired

even the best swimmers can only tread water for so long

today I’ve given up

today I had to stop and breathe

today I’ve frozen over

maybe tomorrow I’ll thaw out again

i think

i stared

into your

sun

just a little

too long.

when i

close my eyes,

i still see your

bluegreenyellowpurple

imprinted

on my eyelids.

(but it is a light i would like to hold on to)