suicide is supposed to be a

("private") affair

but i cant help but think about

the lives that were lost

to internal pain

doesnt matter if you don't know the guy

i didn't and yet here i am

empathizing with that pain

because i was there once

in that same circumstance

juggling the ("dos") and ("donts")

(it hurts more than you think)

(the constant fear of betraying yourself)

all i can say really

try not to do things that you know will hurt later

think about the people in your corner

and if you dont have anyone

think about the people that could be

somehow

some way.

How do you kiss

when you've never kissed before? That

foreign instinct you get

when you are torn between

sitting there, lips closed, nervous

or opening that cavern and letting something

slip inside? Do you tongue or do

you swallow those ideas you get

that come hand-in-hand with

steady arousal? Or do you let them

take the lead of this song and dance

you're just now trying to figure out

after all of these years of

unknowing?

©SelfTitled, 2017

Four false starts.

All extremely good, but my mind can't think of the rest.

Four points of view.

Will I lead with the leading lady? The husband? The best friend? Remain omniscient?

Four years in the making.

A high school thought wanting to be written. A childish dream needing to be realized.

Four chewed on pencils.

From my mind to my hand- I can't get the words onto paper. 

Four encouraging words from my siblings.

You can do it. I believe in you. We will be here.

Five words to self: I'm determined to write it.

Number FiveEleanor & Edwin 

"Oh, it happened in the library." It was their answer every time anyone had asked them how they met. When she went home to meet his parents for the first time he would tell them the moment he saw her.

"I looked over from the shelves and there she was. She was beautiful and her eyes seemed to be glowing." It wasn't a lie.

"When I saw him in those stacks of books I was drawn to him, enticed by him." Their parents gave out the ooo's and ahh's when they told them. Her grandmother told her how lovely and sweet it was that her bookworm granddaughter, the one everyone thought would die an old maid with cats; met her husband in a library.

And it was lovely.

But erotic, delicious, pleasurable and arousing were probably better words.

Girls told the stories of their nameless one night stands in the back of class off and on the last couple years I had been at college. It was always wild frat parties and stumbling back from the bar near campus. Sometimes roommates were kicked out for the night; I knew I had been more than I'd like to remember. Oddly it was my love of history that brought me back to that godforsaken part of the library and oddly enough that was probably why he picked it.

With earbuds in my ears I didn't have that sense to catch onto something that could be going on. All I was concerned about was finding this stupid book so I could compare it. Greek mythology was my favorite class and this assignment was bugging me. There was a certain amount of variance when things were translated so I wanted to see if I could find the story in Greek to clear it up.

Hence back in the part of the library no one ever went to. It was a tiny section and I was rounding a corner to get to it when I froze. What I saw in front of me nearly caused me to drop my phone that was in my hands. I hit the side button accidentally and my phone went black which meant YouTube went dead too.

My breathing sounded in my ears and to be fair they were very quiet. How could something that looked so good be held in like she was doing it. Her back rested uncomfortably against the shelf and her legs were spread to the side, the skirt of her dress hiked up. He was kneeling in front of her with his face buried between her thighs. Her face screamed pleasure but she was restrained.

Not physically.

What I should have done was run and get the fuck out of there. It was an invasion of privacy to be here but at the same time... was it a private moment if they were in fucking public. My body was hidden around the corner and I couldn't help myself; my feet were glued to the floor. He stayed down there forever; my ex boyfriend never did that. She messed up his hair as she got off and he stood and forced his mouth on hers.

"Taste yourself." He mumbled against her lips and my throat went dry.

"Hunter." Her hushed whine caught a chuckle and when she turned and pushed him back against the shelf my eyes widened and I really should have took off. Hunter Jeffries was my history professor. My young and admittedly hot professor all the girls took his class for. Me, it was an added bonus to have an attractive teacher. He was also my current professor that had me coming to this part of the library. She grabbed a condom from the shelf beside him and tucked the wrapper into his front pocket.

Well at least he's safe I guess? This girl wasn't old but she looked too old to be a student; I guess he wasn't a total idiot. This was so wrong. When I turned to move I still couldn't. She held onto the shelf and he slid into her from behind.

She was fiesty though, how were they none concerned with getting caught? Anyone could come back here and he would lose his job; he was risking a whole hell of a lot for what? It was almost as if he could feel my judging aroused eyes on him. He looked back and why couldn't I move? He didn't stop though. He turned her around and she grabbed onto a shelf on the opposite side and I watched him, he watched me. His eyes had began clouding over and he lost himself in her while he kept those sea blues on me.

After that I took off forgetting my book for now. Five minutes later he made his way out and a was stopped by a couple students while the girl slid out of the library unnoticed. He glanced over at my studying and I buried my face in a book.

The next day in class he only spared me a couple glances but he didn't say anything.

Three days later it was like this test. He came into the library and he looked right at me before making his way back to the ignored part of the library with a girl following discreetly behind him. My heart was racing. Part of me wanted to get the fuck out of this place and idiotic part of me got up about ten minutes later and went back there. He wanted me to.

He looked up and smirked before he fucked her and by the looks of it, fucked her good. I was in my final year and I'd had him off and on for all three of them. He was kind, patient and full of humor that may fade. Unlike some of my other classes... people listened to him. He was fair and gave all the opportunities to succeed in my opinion.

The good professor was the same one baiting me into coming here to watch him. My sex life was never like this but it wasn't bad. It was okay, I liked sex but it's been a while. Boys never came before school, nothing did; not even sex. He was invading my mind and here I was being a fucking creep instead of studying. I only had one more term after this and I was done.

So why was I here?

Just like last time he finished with his eyes on me and left with a parting glance. He never said a word about it to me in class but as the next few weeks went on he continued to chance it even though the library filled with studying students.

Sometimes I was too busy to play his game though but I noticed a revolving spree of about four different women. Props to him for keeping it mild I guess? Not that it was any of my concern. He was probably messing with a bunch of other girls like he was with me.

But I doubted it, he would have been in massive amounts of trouble if he had.

Four weeks and I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Occasionally I would go back there and chance it, he was always waiting for me to do it. Which was very inconvienent when I needed or wanted to find a book back there.

He was in my thoughts and it had nothing to do with his teaching skills. While my roommate was away sometimes I would find myself pulling up the kind of porn I had been seeing in real life. Teachers screwing students on screen made my thoughts go wild and I was sinking to a new low.

He headed back there one day and it had been a few days since I followed. The sex was great but I got the feeling the frequency was to put a show on for a certain person he shouldn't be. When I peeked over there was no one there and now my heart really was racing. When I took a step back I bumped into someone and closed my eyes pretending this wasn't happening. He was about to confront me on these weeks and he should; I shouldn't have been doing it. It was uncommonly perverted for me.

"Eleanor." No one called me that. I've always gone by Nora.

"Hunter." He stepped just a little closer and my body was hyper aware of his body against mine.

"What are you doing all the way back here?" His fingers ran from my wrist and up my arms. Instead of giving him what he wanted I stepped away from him and down the row of books.

"Looking for something." Where the hell was that book I had checked out the first time I came back here? Damn it, find something relevant to your stupid class, Nora.

"Really." He came down the row.

"Yeah, trying to do some research." The annoying part to me was I came back here that day and I did get the book later on, but it didn't give me the answer I wanted. He had been right.

"Mhm. What book are you looking for?" When I told him the title he helped me look for it. Just like before, it was too high and I reached for it. His arm extended though and grabbed it for me and handed it down. When I turned around, I was the one sandwiched between the solid muscle and books. The shelf dug into my back and I couldn't escape him. His arms caged me in and he enjoyed that I looked like a frightened kitten right now.

"Thanks, that's all I needed." But he didn't move. He leaned down and his lips were so close. I closed my eyes and he leaned farther so his lips grazed my ear.

"And who's going to translate that for you?" But he didn't say it in English. Greek isn't a common language around here and I imagined him saying all those dirty things to me in Greek and I groaned when his lips made contact on my neck.

"No one."

"Mhm." His tongue licked and he sucked on my neck. My nails were going to break if I kept digging them into the book. When he bit me I dropped the damn thing and his lips crashed into mine and I squealed as he slid his tongue down my throat and his erection dug into my stomach.

Oh my god we couldn't be doing this.

He would get fired and everyone would think I was sleeping with him for my grades. I put my hands on his chest to push him away but my hands fisted in his shirt instead. It's been months since I had sex and it was shitty because the relationship had died and the sex went with it. He lifted my leg and pushed his erection between my thighs as he went back to attacking my neck. When I moaned loudly he pulled back and put a finger over my lips.

"Shh." Oh my good. He was pressed tightly to me and I wanted these fucking clothes off. Part of me wanted to run and the other part wanted to rip his shirt open. Flight was taking over. I put a hand on his chest and extended my hand so he had to take a step back.

I slid down slowly to pick up the book and my face was right in front of his bulging crotch. When I went to walk away he wrapped his arms around me from behind and when he went for my neck again I was the one to push him against the shelf.

He let me for a minute before turning me and he pressed his fingers against my clit through my leggings and I bit my lip to hold in any noise. His breath was harsh as he touched me and the longer I remained quiet the better he got. His hand slid down into them and he hiked one leg up to give him better access. My head fell back against the shelf and he kissed my chest as he fingered me in the fucking library.

He was my current professor; this was so wrong.

He had me dripping and when I was close I leaned forward and I bit him, hard. He tensed when I bit his chest before pulling my head up by my hair. He put one hand over my mouth as he watched me come for him.

"Good girl," For what? Coming that hard? Letting him in my pants? Being quiet? Probably all of the above. His hand came out and he held his fingers up to my mouth. "Suck them clean." His fingers passed my lips and I cleaned them off for him before licking my arousal from his palm. After he kissed me and groaned as he tasted me.

"Oh my god." I couldn’t believe that I let that happen.

"I can make you scream that somewhere else." No doubt.

"Oh my god, you're my fucking professor... we can't be doing this." I grabbed my book again and he was still standing there.

"We just did and I'll still be just as harsh on your papers as I always am. No that you're going to get anything less than an A; you never do."

"Because I study, not because I sleep with my teachers." How could I be that stupid?

"Yes, but don't forget that you were the one who came back here. No one forced you to." He was right and I didn't scurry the fuck out of here as soon as he came up behind me. It's what I should have done.

"I needed the book." He raised a brow and looked at the story in my hand.

"That books in Greek." Which wasn't a problem for me. Greek was my primary language and it was obvious it was his second.

"So?" It was an extensive class on Greek history.

"You're telling me that you're intentionally trying to read a book written exclusively in Greek?" But he didn't say that in English either.

"My Greek is better than yours, maybe I can teach you a thing or two." And I didn't say that in English either. He was clearly surprised.

"I'm impressed."

"I've only lived here for six years." My father was from the United States and after seven years of being divorced they decided to get remarried; this time we moved here. My High School years were spent here and I hated it.

"Well when you feel like teaching me a couple things let me know."

"Yeah, after the number of girls I wouldn't trust that. Plus, do you have a habit of sleeping with your students?" His dick had been too many questionable places.

"Wow. No, I've never felt the urge to sleep with a student until now and clearly she's a little more of a bitch than anticipated. I'm clean, thanks." Ouch.

"Lashing out because I said no? Classy." And we were fucking fighting now. Jesus Christ.

"You weren't saying no when you were spreading those thighs for me." Chests heaving and the both of us angry now. He was right and when I pushed him he pulled me with him and he crashed back against the shelf and I into him.

"You would be fucking feisty in bed, I like a girl who can take charge." So bloody confusing.

"You'll never know." This time I left the book and walked away.

"We'll see." No, no more of this. This was going to get me suspended and him fired and that wasn't worth it. Sure he looked good in the stacks and I'm sure he would be the kind of man who let me get rough with him as I rode him; unlike my ex. My ex felt like he had to be on top because he was a man; he was dull. Hunter was far from dull but he was dangerous and the last time I played with fire I got burned. He was a raging house fire and I only had a bucket worth of water. He would consume me and fucking ruin me.

But I found after that, he was all I could think about and it was a problem. I had less than a month left until the term was over and finals would be coming up soon. Nothing was going to get in the way of my grades; not even him. So I went to the library and kept my eyes on my work and put him out of my mind.

I only noticed him when he started making rounds around the library one day. He did this all the time when we were getting towards the end. He would go into the library and seek out some of the students in his class and talk to them for five minutes about their projects and move onto another student. Sometimes students would seek him out; I had once in my first year.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when he moved onto me but my palms started to sweat and my throat went dry. He stood behind me and leaned down. His breath was on the back of my neck and I got goosebumps.

"How have you been getting along all by yourself?" Why did that feel like he wasn't talking about my project?

"Just fine, thanks." My voice was soft and he chuckled lightly.

"Getting bored with me after so many... classes?" Yeah, he wasn't talking about school. To anyone else this would look like what I saw of him with every other student he talked to.

"Variety is always a good thing. Not the same old boring lesson." And I was baiting him now. What the hell was I doing?

"How about you show me your research and your points. Show me what some variety looks like." I brought up my paper and he actually looked it over before his arms reach around me to move the page down. He pulled up the internet and tyled in 'sex in a library.' They were mostly tame and he kept scrolling until he found a girl half naked with a shirtless guy who had his hands on her breasts and her pushed against the shelf.

"Pretty standard point there don't you think?"

"But it's a very good and important point." Next he added oral as the first word. "Don't you think these points would be more effective?" So many explicit pictures that did arouse me. The girl on her knees or the one of her on all fours taking it from behind.

"Maybe I'll concede and say this one right here could be a stronger argument." The idea of being forced on all fours instead of just being bent over worked better for me.

"Are there any other points you don't think are strong enough?" No one was paying us any attention and I typed in something this time.

"Maybe, the original argument seems a little too... singular." I scrolled through all the photos of two women and found one of a girl riding one cock and sucking the other.

"I see. Sometimes you don't want to over complicate the point though. You don't need to go overboard every time." His fingers trailed up my arm when he leaned back and I held my breath.

"No, but as we both agreed; variety helps."

"Yes it does. Have a good day Miss. Grant." He escaped to the restroom first before continuing to make his rounds to other students. I looked up when he came near me again but he didn't come over. Another guy came in and Hunter, as I've heard him called too many times now, whispered something in his ear and the guy headed to the back of the library.

No he wasn't. He looked at me and took a couple steps backwards before turning and following back there. Not too long after the girl I had seen the first time followed. This was something I couldn't resist. Unlike every other time, he wasn't the one on his knees. She was and his friend was laying underneath her on the ground.

Oh my god, someone could come and see. Clothes were all still pretty much on but still. He was a fucking freak and maybe I was a little jealous of the girl there. All my fantasies were colliding and I wanted so badly to be in the middle of that. Why couldn't he be anyone else, anyone but a professor? If I'm honest with myself, that was part of the allure of it all.

At night I could still feel his hands on me and it caused more than a couple sleepless nights and cold showers. Now what I was watching in front of me was straight from a hot porno. Sure I was a book nerd and a little anti social but that didn't mean that privately I wasn't a little bit... open? Willing? Experimental?

I kept watch for them so they wouldn't have to stop what they were up to. It looked erotic and enticing. Hunter lsid down on the ground so he would be the only one facing me and she was forced down on all fours. Before she slid onto him she rolled a condom down his cock and the other guy who looked like melting milk chocolate pushed on her back and I've never witnessed anal sex but she seemed into it. It seemed unpleasant and too ick for me but who was I to judge when I was creeping around the library to watch my history professor screw some chick.

He called the other guy after our little internet research and It had the desired effect on me. She was having a hard time keeping quiet this time and hunter had to put a hand over her mouth like he did to me a few weeks ago.

That's how sex should be in my opinion; loud.

It shouldn't be shy or uncomfortable. You should be going crazy with what your partner is doing to you. They both stretched her and took turns thrusting forward. He captured her breasts in his mouth and I could practically see her eyes rolling to the back of her head. She was one fucking lucky woman right now.

He was watching me and I decided to put on a little show for him too. I slid my hand down my leggings and used this as real life porn.

Yes I was a girl and fucking loved porn.

He closed his eyes and groaned when I did it and his eyes kept darting between her and I. This was something in fantasies and it shouldn't be able to be real; it should be illegal. It probably was. When I came I looked down at him and I could tell he had a hard time holding his load, he barely made it for her to get off a second fucking time and I smirked and walked away. I. had. Fucking. Issues.

He did his rounds again and slowly made his way to me so I packed up my shit and got the fuck out of there. I rushed to my room and was thankful to be alone. I put a pillow over my mouth and fucking screamed. The library is where I should be and I had studying to do but all I could think of doing was going right back up to him and pulling him back there my damn self. He was trying and succeeding in seducing his damn student. Why was he so hot?

Instead of dwelling on it I took sleeping pills and crashed for the night.

When I woke up the next morning and saw the time I was fucked. My rough draft was do today and I slept through his god damn class. First I banged my head against my pillow and second I cursed myself for being so stupid. Then I thought about avoiding him and going in next class and begging him not to dock me points.

Assignments were strictly do at the beginning of class but I got my ass out of bed and headed over there anyways in hopes that if I brought it same day, I would still be okay. If he didn't give me the full points I hoped he would at least give me some.

Students were leaving when I got there and I felt like a fucking idiot for having to do this. This wasn't one of those 'I'll do anything for my grade' porno moments because I wouldn't. If he didn't accept my apology and assignment I would take that. I meant what I said and wouldn't stoop to this.

"Well looks like someone decided to finally show up. Assignment was due today." Teacher mode, I could deal with that. Sure I never really pissed off teachers or disappointed them... but I could handle professional.

"I fell asleep last night and forgot to set my alarms. It was my mistake and I'm not making excuses but I hoped that if I brought it at the end of class you would still accept it or at least part of it. If not, I'll accept that." He stared at me for a minute and gestured for me to come closer to him.

"And I believe that but I have rules for a reason. I've seen kids skipping classes to finish work they shouldn't have procrastinated on." Kids. And that's how he should see me, damn it.

"If it makes a difference I had it finished last week." He held out a hand and gestured for me to sit in front of his desk. He took it and read through it. "I can show you the timestamp on my laptop for the last time it was edited. I haven't touched it for five days." Anything if he would just accept the damn paper. He's done it before but it was rare. I've never been late on an assignment before.

"I'll take it this time... but only because you have never missed a deadline in three years and that is the only reason. Finals are tough and I can understand sleeping in, I've been late to classes a handful of times because of it too." Making it clear it wasn't because of whatever happened in the library.

"Thank you. This is the only time this will happen."

"Well there's only five classes left so I hope that's true. Make sure your alarms are active, Eleanor." His eyes drifted lower for a second and he looked back up at me with this heated stare. Images of yesterday flashed in my mind and If I was a little less controlled I would have thrown myself at him.

"Nora, I don't go by Eleanor." Not since I was maybe five.

"Hm, I think I like Eleanor I better and I'm going to stick with it. Variety is important." My throat dried and I looked around the room "I don't have another class for an hour." Why didn't that sound purely informative.

"And you're still my teacher."

"For twelve more days." That was still twelve days away.

"And until you post my final grade for the term. Sorry Mr. Jeffries but my opinion is unchanged. Plus, I'm not into one night stands; they're a little trashy for my taste." For me personally, if you're okay with casual sex then go for it, I'm not that kind of girl.

"Doesn't have to be one night, with you it wouldn't be possible."

"Are you going to change your mind about my paper if I walk away from you right now?" He shook his head.

"Now that would be asking for a sexual harassment lawsuit and a termination. Plus it's just plain wrong." Well at least he knew that.

"Bye Mr. Jeffries." I would say he's asking for a sexual harassment suit but I couldn't do that when it wasn't fully unwanted and I wasn't horrified.

"Until next time, Eleanor." He stood and walked behind me as I left innocently.

"Stop." He was too fucking close and I shouldn't be this clouded when he was this close. To be honest, I was actually okay with a one night stand with him if I could trust I wouldn't catch something awful from all the people he's been with.

"I'm being polite, I was simply going to open the door for you."

"Mhm." Doubtful. Before I left he wrapped an arm around my waist to stop me for a second.

"You're equally ad frustrating to me, Eleanor. I've never slept with a student or even wanted to and now that you're in front of me and taste so sweet; it infuriates me that I'm always thinking about being between those thighs. I like a girl with thick thighs and I could get lost between them. You have baited me as much as I have you though. You kept coming back, you kept following to watch and you played along yesterday. You're not innocent in this and I want you so badly I have to settle for them because I'm so fucking hard all the time. It's unbearable having you in class and it's irritating. I've worked hard for this job and that first day in the library was supposed to be a one time thing. But your lips are so full and your breasts felt incredible against me. I know it's wrong but I want to take you on my desk right now." God I loved when he talked in Greek.

Instead of replying I opened the door myself and walked out and right back to my room to take care of this little, well big, issue that was fucking throbbing in my cunt. I needed a cock in me and I needed it now or I would lose my mind.

It was wrong but for the next few classes I baited him more. My dresses got a little shorter and my shirts just a bit lower. My shorts were tight and I wore the skimpy summer shirts I owned. It wasn't just me, we were having a heat wave and everyone was dressing down a bit. His jaw would tense when I came into class but he was careful about letting glances linger.

But I managed to keep him out of my head enough to study for my finals and feel confident as I took them. There wasn't a single one I was nervous about and I was pretty sure I was going to ace all my classes. My reward to myself was curling up in the library with my favorite book written in Greek; my roommate was um... celebrating, the end of finals with her boyfriend and it looked like it would be a long night. This place was deserted, everyone was out partying in celebration for making it through yet another term and I was being my usual anti-social self.

"Congratulations." Hunter was standing there looking at the book title.

"On?"

"Your A in my class. The grade is finalized." I'm sure to him there was a reason for that. He seemed to think that because of that I was going to what? That something was going to change?

"Thanks." He grabbed something out of his pocket and put it on top of my page I was reading.

"I haven't slept with anyone the last time. That Is for you and you can make a decision based on that. I'm no longer your teacher." This time he left. The folded up paper was an STI test that showed he was clean. He was serious about this and that made me back up. It was all fun and games and this wasn't supposed to be a thing.

So I decided to go out to a bar and celebrate with my roommate the next night. This was proof that I had aced at least one of my classes. After next term the celebrations would be different and we would be moving on from this place. Maybe I needed a normal night out.

We went to a club where we danced and drank more than I reasonably should have. Men weren't in short supply of pick up lines and I was too drunk when I fell for one and found myself outside with his tongue down my throat and his hand up my shirt. Damn It felt good, he wasn't sloppy and I needed to get some of this sexual frustration out.

He was unbuttoning his pants when I asked the very important question.

"Do you have a condom?" Because I sure as fuck didn't plan for this.

"Aren't you on birth control. Like, all girls are." First I had to put a hand on his chest so I wouldn't sway and then I patted it and walked past him.

"Hell no." When he went to stop me Angela's boyfriend stopped him and we headed to the twenty four hour diner with some friends for burgers. That was a genius plan on their part, it was always busy here. Up early for classes? Diner. Out late? Diner. Want lunch? Diner.

"Did you sleep with that guy?" Angela asked and I shook my head.

"No glove no love, man." She giggled at the joke that wasn't really a joke and her boyfriend had to steady her as we walked into the place.

"I have gloves baby if you want to come home with me tonight." Ah good old Derek who was also Angela's brother; ew.

"I'm not drunk enough for that." Yes I was but Angela wouldn't let me be drunk enough for that.

"Derek stop being a perv, you're taking her home tonight remember?" Ah yes. She was thankfully kicking her boyfriends roommate out for the night instead of leaving me outside on my drunk ass.

"Fine, I'll be good. I hate when you trust me with things." He was a horn dog but he was the responsible one out of that twinship. "What if she comes onto me?" He wiggled his brows and I giggled.

"Well then be safe and stay out of my bed." She left later with him and Derek brought me back to my dorm. If I was wearing heels I would have broken an ankle by now. The stupid sidewalk was uneven and I was a little uncoordinated.

"Derek." I whispered when we got to my dorm and I kissed him when he looked at me.

"Are you coming onto me?" He asked and I nodded. It's been so long and I needed him, I needed a guy I could trust wasn't going to give me something. He was drunk and I was far too drunk to deny myself now. He pressed me against the building and I fumbled around for my keys, when I couldn't find them he suggested his place.

We were heading across campus, his hands all over my and mine weren't innocent either. When I looked over I stopped when I saw him leaving the building where his classroom was. He stopped and Derek slid his hand up my shirt and urged me to keep walking. I could see the slight anger and he shook his head before walking the other way.

Why did that feel so bad and why did I feel so guilty?

After that my mood died a little bit and I went back to his room but I didn't sleep with him. I told him I wasn't feeling good and you should know better than to have sex drunk while you feel like throwing up. So I crashed in his boxers and t-shirt and curled up in his bed.

The next morning was awful and It appeared as if I did the walk of shame when I stole his clothes and went back to my dorm stopping at the diner for greasy food and coffee on my way. Life hated me and I bumped into him while he was leaving.

"Eleanor." He walked past me and I sighed and headed after him.

"I have a question about my grade." He slowed his pace when he realized we were in public and frowned.

"You passed and I'm sure you scored fine in your other class."

"Actually I failed that one, sorry to disappoint you." He stopped, I walked away. It wasn't his business but I felt like crap none the less. It's not like we were dating and it wasn't as if I cheated on him. After that I got my stuff and Angela was thrilled to see me, well she was happy to see the food.

We stayed in that day and when she wanted to go out again I decided to stay in with a book. I refused to let him take my favorite place away from me so I wondered around the stacks and found myself In the history section curled up with a blanket and my book. No one would bother me back here and unless he decided to screw someone else than I would be safe.

It's amazing how that turned from rousing to bitterness.

When I heard footsteps I looked up to see him in sweats and a t-shirt with a book.

"Hunter." His steps faltered but he came and sat next to me anyways.

"Moving in?" He joked and I shrugged. No one was in here and sometimes I liked to bring a huge blanket and pillow and sit here for hours.

"Sometimes I fall asleep in here, the librarian will call for me if I'm not gone at close. One time she forgot and I slept in here all night." All the librarian's in here liked me and so no one actually said anything about it.

"That's actually really cute." In sweats and a t-shirt he looked just like any man. Not a teacher and not some sex god who was good at screwing girls. Just like any boy I would meet on campus. He was in his late twenties but he didn't look it.

"Shut up." Everyone thought I was weird and compliments made me uncomfortable. I was just a short awkward introvert who could be thinner if I didn't like cookies so much. Well I loved all sweets; baking was a big passion of mine.

"What are you reading?" My book was hugged to my chest.

"Pride and Prejudice, what about you?" What did the good professor spend his spare time reading?

"Stephen King." There was no one around, I looked. With total secrecy I lifted my blanket and pushed over a container with cookies in it.

"You're such a sneak." He took a cookie and we sat in silence and read for hours. At closing time the librarian announced it and I sighed but packed up my stuff.

"I've never seen someone who can read like I do. Do you want to meet tomorrow? I'll sneak in some food. Librarian's don't question teachers. It's a bribe." I folded up my blankets and tucked them into the little corner where there was a gap in the shelves. "Sneaky." I left my book there too and he set his with mine.

"Don't you need that?" He shook his head

"I've started another one that's at home and I'll be back tomorrow to read it."

"Seriously? Me too." No one else I've ever met does that. With so many books to read in college a lot of people are too sick of it to read for pleasure or choice.

"I like that." This was a complete change of pace and maybe, well I don't know why he was doing it but it was throwing me off.

"Thanks." She flashed the lights at me and we headed out but before we could enter the main area he grabbed my hand to stop me. Once I looked at him he gently gripped my chin and he was sweet when he kissed me. His didn't put his tongue between my teeth and it only lasted two seconds.

We headed out together and while she was searching for me he escaped through the door before she could see him.

"There you are honey." She smiled at me and wove her arm around mine.

"Sorry, I couldn't put down the book."

"What are you reading?" She turned off the lights and I waited with her.

"Pride and Prejudice." She laughed as we headed outside.

"And how many times have you read it?" She knew me well over the years I've been here.

"A few. Thanks for not looking for me, I like being hidden away here in peace. You're the best."

"You should try going on a date sweetheart. You're a beautiful, bright and smart young lady and any man would be lucky to have you."

"You sound like my mother. Actually, I think my mother is anticipating me dying an old maid." I'm 99 percent sure my grandmother think's I'm a lesbian. Boys never came home to meet the family and I never talked about them.

"Well maybe you're like Elizabeth and just need a nice older gentleman who can appreciate you properly. Just made sure that if he comes across as a jerk at first you make sure that he really is a great guy deep down and loves you. You'll find him one day; you're too much of a sweetheart not to."

"Okay mom." She gave me a hug and I headed to my dorm.

"I'll see you in a couple days." Her days off, I would miss her.

The next day I checked my grades, baked brownies and headed to the library early with nachos. I had to wait for someone to ask for help and dart to the back of the library so she didn't see me sneaking in food. There was about three hours before I heard footsteps and this time he had pizza with him.

"How did you get that in here?" They always forced you to throw away any food they caught you with and he waltzes in with pizza.

"How did you get that in here." My empty container of nachos showed my guilt.

"They love me here." There's been a couple instances where I've been allowed to sneak some food in here. When I'm here late after being kick out of my room for instance.

"Are your grades all posted?" He sat beside me and I pushed some of the large blanket over. He sat close to me and put his book on his lap. This whole break had been wonderful and I wasn't thrilled about starting up classes all over again. This was the last time though and I could and would get through it.

It was just to the point where I was ready to be done.

"Passed them all."

"I'm not surprised but congratulations. You're almost there." It wasn't too long ago where he was right where I was either, I'm sure that trama doesn't just fade away easily.

"How old are you?" I blurted that one out. It's been bothering me that I had no idea how old this guy was who has been in my damn clothes.

"Well that's a little rude, do I ask you your age?" Twenty-two. He could be ten years older than me for all I knew.

"Hunter." He rolled his eyes and grabbed his book.

"I'm about to be thirty." Eight years difference, was that a problem? Was it wrong that I didn't care.

"How long did it take you to get through school?" That seemed like a lot of schooling.

"It should have taken about twelve to fourteen, I did it a little quicker and had two years of college before graduating high school. I should just be getting out of school."

"You need that much to work here?" He shook his head and took one of my brownies.

"No, you need that much for a PhD though. I did a fast track for mine and it was hell but I got it done. What do you want to do?" And he was going to completely skip over the fact that he had a PhD?

"What is it in?"

"What do you want to do after next term?" He pushed but I didn't know. "Ancient Histories now your turn." He caved first when I didn't answer.

"I don't know what I want to do, I just know I love history. I've thought about a museum but I think I need more school for that." He nodded but said nothing else, only grabbed his book. We read for a good hour before I caught him putting his down out of the corner of his eye.

"Does my age bother you?" The fact that he had a good eight years on me? He was older than my brothers by far and I always had thought they were old.

"Not really, no." Edna's words went through my head from when we walked out of the library the other day. Maybe I just need to raise my age expectation and they'll be past the partying and sleeping around stage. Obviously the man beside me wasn't and I wasn't ready for that shit, but she was still right for someday.

"I’m just going to take a chance here." What? He leaned down a little bit and I was a little bit frozen and a little bit breathless.

"Take it." Did I say that out loud? He put a hand on the back of my neck and pulled me as he leaned to kiss me. He was so controlled unlike last time and it was frustrating. He teased my tongue and I groaned as he kept pulling it away to do it again. He chuckled when he did it again and I found myself up on my knees to push myself closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me and this time he stopped fucking around.

When I climbed into his lap he pulled my knee and me closer creating a little big of friction between us. My hands slid up his shirt and he stopped them.

"I'm not here for this, Eleanor." Wasn't he? But other than a quick kiss he hasn't made a single move on me the last week. But I wanted it, I wanted him.

I kissed his neck and sank my teeth into his flesh and he pulled me closer.

"But I need it, I need you." It's been to fucking long since my ex and I was sexually frustrated and way too turned on. Was it wrong to sleep with him? Probably but I didn't care.

"I'm still your teacher for-"

"Don't care. It's been two years Hunter, I need you." Calling him that was still odd for me and he laid me back and we tangled up in the blanket. He got it lose enough and he hovered over me while he kissed me.

"That's a long time, I think I can help with that." The bulge in his sweatpants agreed with the both of us.

"Have you slept with anyone else since-" He was already shaking his head.

"No. I had different hopes." He pushed the blankets off and I kicked my slippers off and he kneeled between my legs and I lifted my hips for him to pull my pants off. I looked to the side expecting someone to be there and my heart was racing. Without the blanket I was exposed.

"Hm, how's that working out for you?" He grinned as he kissed the inside of my thigh.

"I don't know, let me know." He didn't give much warning before he buried his face between my thighs and his tongue was like a fucking whirlwind down there. He didn't rush it either, he got comfortable and I had to keep my teeth in the area between my thumb and pointer finger or I would scream. He slid a finger inside me and rubbed the inside of my walls while his other hand spread my pussy open and he licked and sucked.

Before, if I didn't finish in a couple minutes he was done, not Hunter. He groaned as my thighs squeezed around him and he lead my hands to his head. He didn't protest when I shoved his face down, when I grinded my pussy against his face or when I pulled his hair. He got air when he needed it but he didn't fucking stop. As he licked my cunt I came all over his fingers and tongue and he kept licking until I could shove his face away from me.

"I'd love to hear you whimper and cry when I force you to come on my tongue again." I've only actually came from oral sex a handful of times. Like I had seen before, he forced me to taste myself on his lips. He got off on it.

My toes dug into the band of his sweats and I skillfully pushed them down his legs and took a glance at his ass; it was pretty nice. He had to kick them off and I wrapped my legs around him to pull him into me.

"Well you can still get me off again." And again, and again.

"I want to see more of you first." He only moved aside necessary clothes before. None of the girls had been topless.

"No, if someone comes back here I don't want to be laying here fucking naked."

"If someone comes back here we're already screwed. What are you going to say is happening? Just changing pants?" He pushed my shirt up and I sat up so he could take that and a sports bra off. It's been a long time since I've been naked with someone let alone so exposed. Towards the end of my relationship it was just sex and done. No playing around, he barely even looked at me.

"Well then I want yours gone too." He tensed when I grabbed his t-shirt and he stopped my hands.

"Just don't ask, okay? I don't make a habit of being shirtless." He mumbled and when I pulled it off I could see the scars. There was a thick one that ran down the center of his chest and I wanted to ask but I didn't.

He tensed once more when I ran my fingers down it. It wasn't his only scar and to me at least it looked like maybe old burns scattered on his body. I kissed his chest and I could feel his heart racing under my lips.

"My turn." He laid be back down and he played with my nipples and more than once had to put a hand over my mouth, being quiet was so fucking inconvenient. Fooling around in the back of the library was hot and thrilling; I just hated being quiet. It's been so long since I felt the want to be vocal and now that I was in this situation I just wanted to be anywhere else that was more private.

"Please stop playing around."

"But you're just so fun to play with, Eleanor." He grinned as he thrust two fingers inside me and I groaned. Not exactly what I wanted there right at this moment; maybe later.

"Nora." He shook his head.

"Nope, Eleanor."

"You're never going to call me Nora are you?" He shook his head again and he removed his hand and licked those two fingers.

"Never." He kissed my neck before sliding into me and holy damn that felt good. Two years was too long and I didn't want him to ever fucking stop. It's been ten seconds and I wanted to ride him for the next five days if I could.

"Oh dear god, about time. Yes." He shushed me and I jerked my hips as he thrust forward and he groaned lowly into my lips. This was what sex should feel like, not a quick five minutes and done. I didn't even get off half the time and he didn't care.

"Fuck, Eleanor." I scratched the fuck out of his back. It was either that or I screamed his name and I don't think the latter would have been the best choice. He pushed harder and I welcomed him. Oddly enough, I didn't feel uncomfortable right now being so exposed. We were tangled up in the blankets and it just felt good in every way right now; just everything.

Panting and skin against skin His chest rubbed against mine as he pushed down and forward, pulled back. He put in all the work and he didn't seem to mind. His eyes clouded over as he lost himself in me too. This was months of sexual tension between us now, months of him tormenting me with what I couldn't have; well what I wouldn't let myself have.

And now that I had him inside of me I was going to fucking lose my mind.

"Oh god, shit. Yes, don't fucking stop." He was maybe a bit surprised when I was about to come already. My legs wrapped around him and I wanted to close my eyes and enjoy it; he wouldn't let me though. He made me look right fucking at him so I knew just who was getting me off this quickly for the first time in my life. He didn't even need five minutes with me and I was coming apart.

He put his hand over my mouth again when I slipped and moaned and that high never crashed down. He kept going and my body was more than willing to continue to accept him. He brushed his fingers over my nipples and sucked on my neck. His cock owned me right now and I watched his breaths get labored and his chest as he panted above me.

His arms flexed as he held himself up and I was a sucker for some nice arms. The upper part of his arms were covered in ink and I wanted to spend time laying beside him memorizing them. He hypnotized me, he was so hot from my view and only after I started to come again did he let himself go.

My legs wrapped even tighter this time and I jerked to try and ride his cock with him balls deep inside of me. God I felt him coming, his release and It got me hot all over again.

"Shit." He was panting above me and only now did it occur to me as to why I never remember that before; because I was never fucking stupid like this before.

"Shit," Him too. "I am so fucking sorry." Oh my god.

"I'm on birth control." Those words have never felt like such a victory before. He sighed in relief and I was right there with him. He nodded and rolled beside me which left me confused as what I should be doing right now. He pulled me against his chest and I dared to run my fingers over his scar. He let out a shaky breath and put his hand over mine.

"I've never had someone do that." Professor or not, PhD or not; he was still just a guy. I admit it's really hot to say that I slept with my professor though.

"I can stop." He shook his head and he ran his thumb over my class ring.

"I don't want to stop." He looked down at my naked upper half and a thrill went up my spine.

"Me neither."

"I told you that this wasn't what I came for, I didn't even bring condoms." The lights cut off in the building and I scrambled to find my phone; it was ten minutes after closing.

"Shit, I think we just got ourselves locked in here." We both wanted to eat food so Edna didn't see us come in.

"I can call someone to come unlock the door." He reached for his phone and I put my hand on his shoulder.

"And explain to someone why you're locked in here with a student?" Who now probably had a mark on her neck and no hairbrush to fix her hair after pretty great sex.

"Right."

"Only one of us is making it out of here so if you want to go, go." Not the first time I've slept in the library before.

"I'm not leaving you here alone. You know," He yanked me back down on top of him "I can find a lot of ways to distract you with no one here; shit." He was so naked it was glorious.

"Yeah, why don't you do that." He pushed my hair out of my face when I leaned down and kissed him. I wondered how his recovery time was.

"Eleanor." He groaned, I liked hearing my name like that. I've only ever heard a guy call me Nora in bed and I wasn't hating my first name right now.

"Hunter." He sighed

"Hunter is my middle name because I always hated the name Edwin," Edwin? He frowned when I smiled "What?"

"It's just so, cute." A little dorky but there was nothing wrong with that.

"Shut up." I shook my head as I leaned down and my hair was like a curtain around us as I teased him this time. When he wanted to take it further than a kiss I teased him with a little tongue and pulled back. His wrists were pinned under my hands and he growled in frustration but I didn't let him get me under him.

"Edwin." He tried to continue to kiss me and I pulled away. About a half hour recovery time and his erection was raging between my thighs.

"You're infuriating." He mumbled when I gently ran my lips over his and pulled away.

"I don't have a fancy paper like you do but I got checked after my ex-boyfriend and I'm clean, if I wasn't I would have told you already." At least the bastard didn't cheat and give me something.

"Glad to know." I pushed myself up a little and Gripped his erection.

"Eleanor." He moaned as I touched him and I didn't fucking care right now.

"Edwin, I'm trusting you; do you trust me?" He touched the patch on my skin and nodded. It's not like I needed a pill or I hid the birth control; it was clear on my skin and it was up to him.

"Oh fuck, there you go." Slowly I lowered myself and took his cock. I dipped and pulled back, down and back up until my thighs burned. "Fuck me baby." I took him again and stopped.

"Don't call me baby." He smiled, he wasn't mad. Instead he called me princess in Greek.

"Talk to me in Greek." He pulled my hair so I leaned down.

"Would that turn you on, princess?" Hell yeah it would.

"Yes." He told me to ride his cock and how good it felt for me to fuck him. With every dirty thing he said to me in Greek I rode him harder. Even when my knees cramped and protested I pushed on. He called me all sorts of dirty names and reminded me how fucking bad I was for fucking my professor.

With the building closed I let loose. My nails scratched down his chest as I rubbed my cunt against him and this time he got to lay back and enjoy the ride. My breasts bounced and occasionally I would lean down for him to suck on them. I couldn't tell you the last time I was this wet, this turned on.

"Come on my cock princess, come all fucking over it." Again.

"Edwin! Yes, fucking yes. God your cock is amazing." He was amazing.

"Say my name again." He grunted and pulled me down.

"Edwin." He thrust his hips up and I cried out for him.

"Come for me." He was patient and I was vocal.

"Edwin, god yes!" My body jerked as my orgasm took control of me but he didn't finish. As soon as I was done he pushed on my hips so I would move and he stood up, pulling me with him.

"What are you-" He shoved me forward into the shelf and pulled my hips back.

"I highly recommend you hold onto the shelf Eleanor." I gripped for dear life as he fucked me from behind. His hand taking no mercy on my clit while he fucked me hard, damn.

"Harder." When he slammed into me and pinched my clit I faltered and was pushed into the shelf fully. My breasts were up against the books and he had some fucking leg strength to keep going in such an odd position. He spread my legs this time and his hand kept going too.

"You were being a dirty little slut in here weren't you. Is this what you fucking wanted? You wanted me to take you back here and take your pussy, you wanted me to fuck you? What did you imagine when you touched yourself."

"This, I imagined this or being fucked by you and your friend; that scene fucking haunts me and caused me to wake up dripping."

"Well then beg me to come again. God, you're such a fucking freak and I love it." This time he came before I did, he couldn't help it and feeling his hot semen inside me and his body pressed against, I got off on it too. He held me to him when my knees gave out and I was gasping for air.

"Holy shit." He was all Mr. In charge, but he also cared.

"Let's get you laying down." My knees protested me and I laid back on the smaller blanket and he laid down beside me and pulled it up to our waist.

"That was amazing." He ran his fingers over my hip and I looked over at him as he gazed at my body.

"You're beautiful. How did I not see this all those years? It was like as soon as I saw you back here everything changed about you. I tried not to think too much on it because I got fucking erections trying to teach. Those short fucking shorts you wore and low tops; it was a dirty move." His fingers trailed into the valley between my breasts.

"It's a good thing though. You shouldn't have seen me like this; you still shouldn't... but I'm glad for tonight." He leaned over and kissed me and nothing else.

"You're a little young for me but I can't help myself." His hand did venture and I found him on top of me again which of course, ended with me screaming his name.

"Thanks, it's been a long time for me." He didn't hide his chest from me and when I touched his scar again he wasn't phased.

"What time does the library open?" It was late by now and I set an alarm for a half hour before they would be here.

"Eight."

"Come home with me in the morning." Those words slipped from his mouth and he hesitated but he stood by them.

"Excuse me?" He continued to run his fingers through my hair and I tensed being so close to him right now. Come home with him? Was he fucking serious?

"I'll make you breakfast and keep you in bed. It's the last weekend before we both have to suffer through another new term; stay with me." He was losing it.

"Uh, I think you're insane." This was a fun night but if I fucking went home with him... I wasn't trying to get him fired or me kicked out of school.

"Probably but I haven't got enough of you yet. It's just the weekend and we can go back to being boring on Monday." That sounded a little better.

"I'll decide in the morning." Right now I was sore and exhausted. Plus I was sweaty and needed a shower but it wasn't really an option. So instead I curled up in the blankets with him and we fell asleep. In the morning we slept through open because someone forgot to turn their alarm on.

"Shit. It's eleven. Get up." He shot up and I looked for my fucking clothes. My heart raced as I expected to see someone there to catch us. He pulled his clothes on and I folded and tossed the blanket in the corner along with my book.

"You can bring it over." He mumbled as he set his down with me and I eyed the library.

"Or I can steal one of yours." Fuck it. What inds of reckless things have I ever done and would I regret it more if I did go... or if I didn't?

"Would you like to drive yourself or come with me?" It was almost noon on campus, I was going to go with I don't know. Sneaking around this like was terrifying.

"How far away do you live?"

"Half hour." If he didn't live right off campus I could maybe drive there.

"I'll take a shower and meet you there. Um, let me see your phone." He handed it over and I put my number in there. "Text me the address." He looked at it curiously.

"And are you going to show up or will I get a text with you backing out?" Both were possibilities.

"I'll be there." He left first and when I walked towards the front I saw that they had a sign put out saying that this part of the library was closed. When I walked to the main part Edna and I made eye contact and she looked over to the door where Edwin was leaving. Calling him that was so odd.

"Nora." She gave me some kind of tone and my face heated.

"Edna." I stopped and we looked at each other for a minute before she shrugged.

"Mr. Darcy." Was all she said and she winked at me before I scurried out of there. She knew and she didn't care. I went home and took a shower and grabbed a small bag before heading out and following my phone's British navigation voice to his place. For some reason I expected him to live in an apartment; this was a house.

He opened the door before I even got the chance to knock and In the end I didn't just spend one weekend there; but that's another story.

Number One

Tyler&Ellie

I had never been comfortable with men before, but somehow I had found myself opening up and trusting the one standing right in front of Me. As the movie had played on his hand would slid up my leg and back down, his fingers teasing me the entire time.

When I tried to push it farther and slid my hand up his leg or if I dared, under the band of his shorts, he would pull back and tell me to watch the movie and I would be left silently annoyed. Well now the movie was over and he was beckoning for me to come to him, he was standing a small distance away after shutting the TV off.

"Come here." He had said but I wanted to give him a small taste of what he had been doing to me all night, so I walked to him and then when he reached out for me, straight past him and into the bedroom. I turned to face Tyler and walked back slowly as I pulled my t-shirt over my head and retreated farther into the room; He wasted no time following after me and I couldn't help but smirk as he walked straight up to me.

One of his hands grabbed the back of my head as his other slid across my tank top and onto my back and he pulled me forward as he took a step closer and I welcomed the frenzied kiss and the feel of his mouth to mine.

My heart was beating against my chest hard as I gripped the hem of his shirt in my fists. I hesitated momentarily before pulling up slowly, Tyler took a step back and let my pull it over his head and without warning I pushed him back onto the bed.

I had never been bold like this before, but I wasn't about to let that stand in the way of the desires and want I felt for him right now, so lowered myself onto him, straddling his lap and returning my lips to his.

From this position I could already feel his erection growing between my thighs I wanted our clothes gone so I could really feel him. I groaned as I pressed against his lap and his fingers pinched lightly through my tank top and bra and I moaned against his lips, silently begging for him to keep going. I was desperate to finally feel his hands on my bare skin. I let my lips venture down his neck and I could feel his hands gripping tighter.

One of his hands moved and grabbed my ass before yanking me forward and he grunted as I groaned when it sent a jolt of pleasure to both our cores and I bit into the flesh of his neck. I wanted to rile him up a little bit, I wanted him to take my clothes off and take me now.

I lifted up my arms when he tugged at my tank tip and in the next instant my bra was off, as he looked at my bare chest, my naked bre asts I could see the lust nearly consuming him like it was me. I pressed mine to his and he leaned back on the bed which crushed her hands between them and shit time he gripped her hair.

I dug my nails into his chest as he and he bit my bottom lip, I dragged them down as much as I could and he used the grip he had to pull my head to the side and expose my neck. His mouth was far from gentle as he nipped at my skin; he gaged my reaction as he went down farther and I was having a hard time not losing my mind as he lightly bit the spot that I knew drove me insane, and now he did too.

His teeth sank into my flesh as he bite me fucking hard, I whimpered slightly but I didn't fight him as he then sucked on my neck and his tongue helped turn that pain pleasure. I was now shamelessly rocking against him now, his stiff erection was creating the friction that I craving until he rolled me onto my back, taking that away.

He stood up and I raised my hips when he grabbed the top of my shorts and he pulled them down my legs, I could see the sent in his shorts and I licked my lips as I scooted towards the center of the bed. He adjusted himself and my heart was beating even harder as he looked at me so damn lustfully it should be illegal, before slowly getting on the bed.

Slowly made everything seem so much more intense and suspenseful, I wanted now.

I parted my thighs as he moved closer to me and he settled himself between them; his bare chest to mine, stomach to stomach and I relished in the weight on top of me. I loved the feeling of a man on top, how his arms held himself up and how the weight almost felt crushing as his erection begged to be let free from the confines of his shorts.

He kissed me before his body slowly moved down and he made it clear what he was going to do next, my breasts, as well as the rest of my body, was begging for the attention as his mouth made its way to them.

My body arched on it's own as I offered myself up to him, his tongue made a little circle on my ni pples before his moth fully covered my brea st and he sucked as he cupped the other in his hand, his fingers toying with my nip ples.

I grabbed to his hair this time so he wouldn't stop and my hips pressed up against him before retreating, fueling my desire for him.

"Please don't stop, god yes." He gently bit me before his attention was pulled to my other brea st and he pressed against my hip to push me back down before sliding his hand between us. I was aware that he could feel just how badly I wanted him through my panties, he rubbed my cl it and my head was already spinning as he touched me.

"I want you inside of me." I was admittedly, a little shy when it came to sex. The past men I slept with weren't exactly great, nor were they into trying new things. My boldness, forwardness and dirty talk were now hidden away. His eyes looked right into mine as I watched and felt as he continued to suck on one brea st and then the other.

He pushed my panties aside and then slid his middle and ring finger all the way inside of me. His fingers curled against my walls and my hips jerks on their own accord.

It wasn't exactly what I meant when I told him I wanted him inside me, but I moaned as he fucked me instead with his fingers and I wasn't going to complained as he used them to pleasure me. I was dripping for him as he pushed harder and my hips rocked as I tried to get more from him until he pulled back suddenly; the sound I made in protest was embarrassingly similar to a needy whimper.

"You are so fucking sexy right now." He said before he gripped my panties and went to pull them down my thighs. He seemed to want me on my back, and I wanted him on his; so as soon as he pulled them off and tossed them aside, I pushed him there.

I pulled his shorts down and his erection sprang free and was begging to be touched; so unlike him, I took him into my mouth before I even fully got his shorts off and took him by surprised. As soon as I threw his shorts aside I grabbed the base of this erection and he pushed his hips up to his the back of my throat.

"Suck my co ck, oh fuck Ellie; suck it." I got pleasure from pleasing him as I hollowed my cheeks and sucked his co ck, just like he wanted me to. His hips pumped forwards and I looked up at him and he groaned watching her eagerly take him into my mouth, my hand the base; soft and thick.

The grunts of male satisfaction only fueled my desire to keep going, to want to make him feel as good as he had already made me feel so far. I wanted him to be pleased with me and by me.

"Ellie, stop," He told me but I didn't, I kept going until he grabbed me by my hair and pulled my off of him, it felt like he was about to rip it from my scalp "I said stop." He said in a demanding way I had never heard him from him before.

"Why?" I asked and he smirked, maybe he really didn't like it; maybe he didn't want me to keep going? The stupid insecurities were coming back until he spoke.

"No fucking way I come before you babe, and no fucking way will you out do me in oral; come here." He patted the bed beside him and I was slightly confused but moved anyway. His hand gripped my upper leg and pulled it to the side while he scooted between my thighs.

"Tyler." I wasn't really sure about this, but his fingers dug into the back of my thighs and he pulled me down to his face and his tongue instantly started its assault, I moaned but refused to move until he forcefully moved me himself.

"Don't be shy babe, ride my face." He seemed much better at the verbal than I was; those were the only words he spoke before moving his face back and sucking on my cl it.

Slowly, very slowly I started to relax and just shut my mind off so my body could react on its own. He didn't mind the extra weight I carried or my thick thighs that were currently on either side of his face as he drank me in. He wanted me naked and he showed no signs of not wanting what to be doing exactly what they were doing.

I let go of the discomfort with his position and my hips jerked as he sucked on my cl it once more before his tongue thrust inside of me.

I was surprised to hear his grunts, seemingly enjoying himself as I rocked against his face. I gripped his hair, needing something to pull as he drove me nearly fucking insane. Gone was the shy or timid woman, I pushed her away as I let myself fully enjoy what he was doing to me, something that I would have never admitted to always wanting to do.

I couldn't stop the moans and noises I was making even if I wanted to, everything about him overwhelmed me. The way his tongue felt, how his hands gripped onto my thighs to hold me to him, the cologne on his skin, the feeling of him touching me and god, the sight of him like that between my legs.

I couldn't help but look at him as my hips made sudden and jerky movements. I knew what was coming next because I could feel the burning start in my stomach and move through my body to consume me. It was a feeling I've only been able to give myself, but my body nearly gave out as my orgasm hit me.

"Tyler." My back arched and my thighs squeezed together before I slumped forward and held myself up with my arms, yelling for more as I rode through it.

I tried to pull away when he didn't stop, my body was so fucking sensitive but his hands were like death grips and he forced me to stay where I was.

"I'm not done with you yet, babe." He mumbled before he fucked me with his tongue and pushed my body impossibly higher and I remembered what he had said.

No wat was he going to let me outdo him on this.

His hand collided with my ass as I rode his face and I felt dizzy and all consumed as he stole another from me, something that I've never got to experience before; only then did he let me go. My legs were burning and I was out of breath as I lay shakily laid down beside him. The smirk on his face was wicked and sinful and I wanted everything it was promising. He wiped his face and my face flamed at just what was on there.

I think he enjoyed making me uncomfortable, he was so sure of himself and he liked that I was unnerved by him. He wanted me to be uncomfortable as much as he wanted me to be comfortable, if that made sense. He loved that he got me to blush with what he did and that he forced me to come twice.

I looked down to see him still painfully hard and I reached for his erection, I sucked to get him wet and let my hand casually slid up and then down. I didn't try to get him off because I'm pretty sure he wouldn't let me so I did it purely to cause him satisfaction.

His head fell back and eyes closed as I continued, his hand covered mine as he showed me just how he wanted it right now.

"Just like that Ellie, just like that." He slowed my strokes down and squeezed my hand a little tighter. I watched as his chest moved just that much faster, I saw his lips part as he enjoyed the feeling of what I was doing and he groaned continuously, almost too quiet to hear.

I watched his face as I squeezed and his hips rose as he grunted and I smirked when he opened his eyes. I leaned forward and kissed the tip before sucking the head into my mouth and his breath sounded like a hiss as he gritted his teeth and gripped to the sheets.

"Just like that?" I asked him and his next groan sounded so tortured

"You're going to make me come babe, I'd like to be inside you when that happens." He grabbed my hand and stopped it from moving and slowly I let go of him with my mouth and moved up.

I felt nervous all over again and he carefully watched my reaction, I had no plans of stopping, but now that we were at that moment I faltered a little bit.

I stared into his eyes for a minute and he never once looked away.

I leaned over him and I could see his eyes move down my body as I reached into the drawer where I saw the condoms the other day and pulled one out, setting it on the bedside table for convenience. I wasn't a stranger to sex, it was just the first time with someone was always a little awkward for me.

I was usually cautious because I liked things that a lot of men would and have deemed strange.

I scooted over when he moved for me to do so and he blanketed my body once again with his. I could taste myself on his lips as he kissed me and I wrapped my arms around him to hold him to me. I was choosing not to care what happened after this; I wanted him and tonight I would have him.

I threw any caution to the wind, I moved my head to the side and bit his neck again and he cursed as he pinned my wrists by my head.

"Do it again." He commanded and I bit down again and yelped when he bit me back but found myself tilting my head to the side and exposing my neck for him to do it once more. I could feel him pressing against my core, begging for entrance and I was dripping for him to fuck me and satisfy the ache that just wouldn't go away.

I craved him and the way he made me feel, I wanted him to take care of my every need and to fill his every desire, lust was clear on his face and I wanted to embrace it and give him everything he was willing to give me right now.

I wanted to please him, I wanted him to do things to me that I could never imagine actually speaking out loud; he brought out a side of me that I had long ago hidden.

"Now, I want you now." I would have reached for the condom but he hadn't let up on his grip and he didn't seem to be too patient anymore as he reached for it. I took it from his hands and ripped the package open and pushed him to his back to grip his erection and eagerly slid the condom down his length. I was ready to get on top and ride him until he forced himself on top of me. The tip was right there, so fucking close but he wouldn't just push forward.

"Do you want my co ck?" he asked, smirking; asshole.

"You know I do." I've wanted it for what felt like fucking forever now.

"Say it then." He pinned my wrists again when I went to grab his ass and pull him forward. "Such a bad fuc king girl." He told me and I groaned

"I want you to fuck me." I told him and he leaned down to suck my ni pple into his mouth, his teeth tugging before releasing it.

"That's not what I told you to say." I hated and loved that he wanted to play games, it made this situation incredibly frustrating but gave a certain thrill to it.

"I want your co ck inside me, right fucking now" I was willing to play if it got me what I wanted; him.

He pushed forward a little and gave me just the tip of what I wanted. When I tried to push my hips up, he pulled back. I pushed up with my hands and he gripped harder, holding me down more firmly. I struggled against him to see how far I could get and the answer to that; fu cking nowhere.

He was enjoying the fact that he out weighted me and was sure as hell taller; his muscle also didn't help the situation; or maybe it did in with my state of mind. I was trapped beneath him and I don't know if I've ever been so turned on before.

"Do what you want to me then, Tyler and make it good." If I just accepted that maybe this wasn't going to go the way that I wanted to, then maybe he would finally just fuc king give in and stop with this and just fu ck me.

That's all I wanted and I didn't give a damn how he did it; I didn't care if he was rough, hard, if he held me down or I was on top, just as long as he was inside me damn it and it was soon.

"Tell me something you want me to do to you and I'll fuck you right now, but only if it's good." He slowly sank into me, inch by blissful inch and I was nearly in fuc king heaven with the way he stretched me; that was short lived when he wouldn't fu cking move.

"Please." I begged

"Tell me what you like." He said and he moved back and then pushed in and stopped again.

"Anything, whatever you want to do or give, just please." He leaned forward and his teeth pulled on my earlobe

"How do you want it?" he whispered in my ear

"Rough and hard." Was how I really wanted it but I would take anything he wanted to give, if he wanted to bend me over this bed and fuck me that way, I wasn't going to complain.

"What else do you want? You have to tell me if you really want it Ellie." God damn him. He moved so damn slowly it was killing me. He knew I wanted it hard so he gave me the complete opposite. He wanted me to beg and tell him exactly what I wanted, but what I wanted was just for him to move.

Damn him for seeing past that though.

"You'll stop with this if I tell you one thing I really want, that I haven't told anyone?" This was way too much talking for sex. He seemed to like where this conversation was heading and he picked up his pace, I guess his way of saying yes.

"Mhmm." He agreed as he pushed harder. I went to wrap my legs around him and he shook his head "Keep them fucking open." I liked demanding, so I let them fall apart again for him to move as he pleased inside me.

He was driving me insane to the point where I would probably tell him anything he wanted to know if he asked.

"Yes, god yes." My back arched off the bed as his co ck his perfectly inside me and I struggled to keep my legs apart. My wrists were slightly numb as he used his weight to hold them down and I was ready to explode as he kept his relentless pace

"Tell me or I stop." He leaned closer to me, his eyes said he was serious and I was a little distracted as his lips became a breath from mine. I believed that he would stop and I was willing to do and say anything for him not to.

I tilted my head to the side and lifted my head slightly and he got the message, he leaned in closer and I first bit into the already red and slightly bruised flesh of his neck to maybe buy me some time, he bit me right back.

"I want you to choke me." I had only ever said those words one other time and it instantly killed the mood, he was away from me before I could even say 'or not' and I never saw or spoke to him again, and I believe freak was the word uttered as he walked out my door.

He pulled back suddenly to look at me and his expression told me that he was surprised, but not in a bad way. He moved my wrists over my head and held them both down with one of his before he wrapped his hand around my throat and he grabbed hard, but not too hard and pushed just enough.

I think he even enjoyed doing it as he got instantly rougher with me, his co ck filling me and nearly tearing me apart inside; I would have screamed if I had the oxygen to. I liked the feeling it gave me like it was almost the ultimate control. He had power to decide on how much I got to breathe, the basic need we all had.

He was the one who had the authority over my satisfaction and my life as he choked me so I could barely breathe, but that was exactly what I wanted.

All I could hear was the blood rushing too my head and my harsh breathing, I couldn't hear the headboard hitting the wall anymore or the sound of skin hitting skin, I could faintly make out his grunts as he fucked me until my eyes were rolling back.

His mouth covered my br east again and his teeth once more tugged on my ni pples and my body jerked and lost control under his. I gasped for air and struggled against him as I came fucking hard and Tyler never once moved his hand from my throat and his hand clutched slightly more as he found his release and filled the barrier separating up.

Only after he finished did he let go of me and I gasped for air as little dots entered my vision. He rolled and lay panting on the bed beside me and I looked over to see him pull the condom off, tie it and toss it in the trash before he looked over at me.

He looked at my neck as I choked to breathe and I could only think about how god damn hot it was that he did that to me, I had never came so hard in my life.

"Didn't expect that." He smirked and I couldn't help the little laugh that came out and I nodded a little.

"Yeah." That was probably the better of the things I could have asked him to do to me.

"Don't worry, next time I'll tie you up so my hands can have a little more freedom." My head turned to his like a magnate as he said that, he grinned at me, god I could get used to that.

"And what else could you do to me Tyler? Do tell." I rolled onto my side to look at him and he gave absolutely nothing away.

"Guess you'll just have to find out." One sentence, seven words, infinite possibilities; and I wanted to discover every one of them.

E

Mentally ill weren't words I ever gave much thought to until they were linked to me. Bipolar disorder, it wasn't supposed to break into my life until my late teens but I guess I was one of the lucky ones who it attacked in childhood.

Since the beginning of my double digit years it was this routine my family did. We moved to another state, new town, new home; new life. My dad would help companies get on their feet or rebuild and after a year we would move on right before school started back up again. Every year I was the new kid and that worked for me.

The movers would come, I would hide in the closet and calm my racing heart every time one got near me. At school I would be the quiet one who never spoke, never caused trouble. My parents would bring me from one therapist to another and every year my life became more numb.

That was until this year, this year a lot of things changed.

A hospitalization, suicide attempt and a nice comfortable institution was a good indication of my life going downhill at a rapid rate. Not to mention my cocktails of anti-psychotics which made me feel like a robot, the fact that I no longer valued my own life and the stress I caused to the lives and marriage of my parents.

A year was easy, you got good at being antisocial and staying disconnected from people and by the time the new year could come and a couple people could maybe figure out that you were a freak... you were moving on to a new school and going through the same routine.

It was a lonely life but at least it wasn't filled with bullying and awful comments about a illness I couldn't control. Until now apparently. This system had worked for me but when my brother's dad died my mother moved to him instead of moving him to us. To be fair, it was good parenting. He was in his senior year and had gone through a horrible loss I couldn't begin to comprehend.

But that also meant that the bullying would start and if I wasn't careful, he would find out that I really was just the crazy freak he had been telling me I was all my life. He went from shoving as a child to belittling. It went from childhood pushing to psychologically damaging. No matter how hard I tried he hated me and the feeling became mutual.

Now we were about to be under the same roof for an entire year, something that's never happened. For the first time since I was eight I would have to attend the same school and he was clear about one thing; if I told anyone he would destroy me.

Just because he was stuck with me didn't mean I was entitled to ruin his senior year.

So I welcomed myself to the next year of hell being picked apart every day and forced to keep his dirty secrets from my parents in the interest of self preservation. School wasn't my own, therapy wasn't my choice and now I would come home every day to a house that would never be a safe place as long as he was in it.

Locks were removed so I couldn't even make my bedroom my own and no matter what I did I was never able to stay out of his line of fire. At the start of school it was like every other year but as it went on, secrets got out and life seemed like it was no longer worth living.

Have you ever picked on someone at school? Said they were a freak or would be better off dead? Have you ever made fun of someone with a disability or illness? Because tormenting a human being because of that is like making fun of cancer. It's despicable and horrible and I had to live it because of what?

If someone could just give me a reason for hating myself every time I breathe. If my dozen therapists could give me a reason why I fought to slit my wrists daily or just inform me why I panicked every time someone touched me... hell when they even got near me.

If I was raped or abused It would tell me why my own mother couldn't touch me and why the thought of human interaction sent me into a downward spiral of anxiety. But I wasn't attacked and my parents never so much as raised a hand to me.

If I had lost a parent, sibling, aunt, uncle or hell even a grandparent, it would tell me why I couldn't bare to make human connections.

But I lived a nice life with two parents who loved me, even if one had become controlling and overbearing; I guess I deserved that. My mental health care was top priority and I had a huge family who loved me. Four grandparents, countless cousins and quite a few aunts and uncles. Nothing bad had ever happened to me in my life and yet here I was.

Music and art became the only outlet I had to cope with the loss of control. Disorder after disorder consumed my life until it passed me past the breaking point, a scary thought since I had already attempted suicide at sixteen years old.

Life was this journey and mine was leading straight to a grave before the age of eighteen and no one could figure out how to stop it. Not my parents, therapist or myself.

It never occurred to me that human connection; the one thing I feared the most, would be the only thing in this world that could save me... as if my life was worth this whole long story. As if my life could be interesting enough to be put to words, chapters and bound in a story.

No one cared about mental illnesses in high school and they never would. I was simply just a crazy oversensitive girl with no future. Unlovable and incapable of making any kind of real friendships. People didn't stand up for you, they let it happen and took pride in themselves that they weren't the ones doing it.To them, if you're not the active bully you're a saint.

No one cared about the outcasts, disabled.. the crazies and the disordered 

Have you ever given up on a dream?

It's the worst feeling in the world. You hear your heart crumble. You look at words, at music notes, at your own art, and you realize that it doesn't mean anything to you. They're just letters. Just symbols. Just scribbles.

That's what I had to do to survive. I had to look at my words, face my music, stare my sketches dead in the eyes... and then give up. Now, all my energy must be devoted to running and searching and hunting and eating and fighting. One day I will forget. I will no longer understand grammar or wordplay. Music will be beyond my comprehension. Creativity will elude me. For now, my lost arts plague me. They whine and scream, they plead with me not to abandon them, and yet I must. I have. I am consumed by a desire to forfeit all in order to continue to survive.

And for that, I will never live again.

I don't know what's happening some sort of something is happening and I am scared. I don't have my family or my friends. I am currently in an underground bunker with five other people (thank goodness for doomsday preppers I guess) All I have this diary and my earthquake preparedness kit which has a little food in it so that's good. I remember this morning when it started. I was late for school (again) I was just walking and then out of nowhere police and ambulances every where they kept saying to take cover and that zombies had been created I just started running until this lady and her husband pulled me into their back yard and said they had a place for me to stay. When zombies did not exist I would have run away screaming stranger danger but it did not matter at this point. It is actually pretty nice there are two bedrooms and a living room space along with a kitchen area and a battery operated radio. I just learned zombies were created by something radioactive or a virus or something but it takes control of your brain and makes you want to spread it. wait they are back and they have my SISTER AND MOM. ( I am writing down what they are saying) Mom: You are here!!! Sister named Savanna : tears streaming down her face Mom: we lost Samantha Me: what!!! Well goodbye for now I am so scared I don't know what is going to happen wish me luck. -Salina 

They meet by chance but it isn't fate. 

They were just two people on the same bridge, at the same time trying to execute the same goal; suicide.

He's responsible for the death of his baby sister and because of her, her parents are dead. Because of them lives had ended, why did they deserve to live?

While Phoebe dances with death, Paul is still consumed with doubts. Doubts that spark the craziest of ideas. Two bucket lists, fifty things to do before September twenty-second; the last day of summer.

There is no plan, no rules and no boundaries. It's a last and dying hope that maybe one summer can change your life.

It's possible that all you need is two people on the verge of suicide and and an insane idea to give each other the will to live.