Mean
I meant everything
I said
Anger fueled my words
Hurt fed my feelings
Perhaps there was
A better way to express
My feelings
Being misunderstood
But understanding everything
The pain I experience
When I choose
To direct venomous words
At you is almost unbearable
I kill myself every time
My words can be the sharpest knife
Threatening to cut you deeply
Aimed straight for the heart
I misjudge my aim every time
Piercing my own heart instead
You’ll never really know
How desperately
I want to be understood
By you
Reality is you never will
Refusal of the mind
Adopting a selfish mindset
After the event
Feeling so guilty for
Damaging something beautiful
Completely killing the “one”
Perhaps disassociating yourself
Is the softer approach
You never could stand
Being uncomfortable
The fact remains the same
I meant what
I said
RIP
The funeral
I recently attended
Filled me with so much emotion
It seems like yesterday
Everything was fine
I tend to forget that life
Can change in a moment
Choices we make have
A butterfly effect
A pebble being dropped
Into a calm lake
Creates ripples that eventually
Reach the shore
The service was small
Close family and friends
Overall the feeling
Of interactions between guests
Was slightly awkward
I sat in the very last row
Trying to pay my respects
Without being noticed
I’m not quite sure
How I feel about
The sudden loss
It could of been prevented
Proper preparation
Prevents poor performance
For now I’m choosing
To stifle the pain
It’s just me
Myself and I
I can’t rely on anyone
To be there
Nor can I openly share
Without fear of rejection
Plus I’m angry
Why be so selfish?
To a selfless person
It’s a hard thing to grasp
I can’t wrap my brain
Around the behaviors
Of other people
Even if I perceive there feelings
The way I do
It still always shocks me
Nothing can truly prepare you
When it was time to say goodbye
I walked slowly towards the casket
Dragging my feet
This is the part that’s never easy
Good byes are the hardest
I feel like a little kid
So small and vulnerable
No matter what
I have to be okay
Reaching the casket
I look down
To see my relationship staring
Back at me
I lost
Im on the floor
In a heap
Like yesterday’s dirty laundry
Draped in lace
China doll painted face
Your mumbling to yourself
Resentment is an understatement
My hatred for you grows
A weed that cannot be killed
Despite how much weed killer you use
I smirk at the thought
It’s the happiest thought I’ll have all day
I’m drenched in sadness
It’s so stifling in here
I can barely breathe
I gasp for air
Pulling my self up
From the ravine my tub has become
40 days and 40 nights
39 to go
I flop onto the tile
Bruised like a peach already
I hardly notice the new one form
Avoiding my own glance
Rounding the corner
I hold my breath
This room feels like a dungeon
Somewhere inside of me
Grows hotter
Erupting like a volcano
Lava bursts from my tear ducts
Burning my face
No one should be envious of me
Pretty face until it turns ugly
Then what?
Your excuse
Was you don’t understand
Wrapping your brain
Around something other then yourself
Is almost impossible for you
I’ll lunge
A tiger staring down on her prey
Finally catching the elusive deer
Blinking back to reality
Your blank stare is worthless
An apology would of sufficed
Instead I’m biting my tongue
Blood fills my mouth
Our eyes locked
Nothing will make me lose this one
Ice cold shivers travel down my spine
Why did I have to try outsmart you
Boast my intelligence
Prove to someone like you
That I’m worthy
I’m the one you want
The sweetest candy in the whole jar
Pick me pick me
Now I beg for it to stop
Over and over again
Screaming at you
Your so deaf to my cries
I’d rather die then continue to beg for my life
In the chair I stare
The most luxurious life
Fake smiles next to fake identities
I’m the best
I earned this
No one is better then I
I won the greatest reward
They picked me
Instead of elation
I’m the saddest I’ve ever been
Orange is my new favorite color
Walking back to my new place
Nothing could be worse
Then the cell inside my head
I won
Balloon love
Feeling deflated
So unmotivated
The happiness you brought
Filled me to the top
How was I to know
That soon it would pop?
They say pain
Changes a person
Well i don’t think I’ll ever be the same
I could easily point the blame
No simple solution
When your stuck on excuses
I don’t want a justification
Your actions have ramifications
If looking into my lost eyes
Isn’t enough of a consequence
Then you have no conscious
I’ll always look at you as heartless
There’s no rest for the restless
Expecting selflessness from Me
After showing just how
Selfish you can be
Did you ever really love me
Or was my sole purpose in
Your life to prevent loneliness
Someone to provide comfort
When times were tough
An object of affection
Nothing more nothing less
I doubt your mind can even
Begin to understand
What I’m feeling
Betrayed by the one
Who was supposed to love me
I expected you to protect me
From a broken heart
Yet you’ve done the opposite
I blindly trusted you
Let down my walls so I could
Feel even closer to you
I offered nothing but pure genuineness
Proving that loyalty exists
Supporting you at your worse
Accepting all your shortcomings
Never looking at you as anything
Less then perfection
The most precious thing
In my life completely abandoned me
When I needed you the most
You chose to destroy me
Was the connection
We had just pure deception
How can you continue
To be in my presence
Knowing that everything
You claimed to stand by
Was mere words nothing more
Your actions have spoken
Volumes to me
You never appreciated
Anything I ever did for you
When it came down to it
How I would feel meant nothing
Your pleasure at the expense of me
In my eyes your the worst kind
You’ll never get the same respect
Nor will I take you seriously again
Your just another boy
Pretending to be a man
Over reliance
The concept of reality
Is at best
A suggested mindset
Taught to form a barrier
Between illusion and actuality
I find this “mindset”
Emotionally draining
Dwelling on all the injustices
Of the world
Talking consistently of negativity
If my perception was that of most
I’d probably think positivity
Didn’t exist anymore
I find myself turning off
The nightly news
Allowing quiet to fill
My empty space again
A moment of silence
For those still suffering
For now I choose to think
That doesn’t include me
It wasn’t always a conscious escape
Innocent fun between friends
A sense of belonging
Yet my inability to resist temptation
Has turned me into a stranger
A coward to my own emotions
Ive always been a sponge
soaking up everything
Feeling so deeply it hurts
Consistently feeling misunderstood
Turning to outward sources
Instant gratification becomes enslavement
Seeking peace yet settling for chaos
The only thing I look forward to
Is that moment of numbness
When nothing matters
I swear I feel my life
Leaving my body every time
No longer conscious of myself
Synthetic pleasure envelops me
Blissfully aware that
I’m the antagonist in my life
I’ll murder myself
Before I hand anyone else the knife
Madly in love
They said your mad
Perhaps they meant
Your state of frenzied activity
Dashing from one day to the next
Forgetting yourself in days left behind
I pick up the pieces of you
Scattered life
Placing the pieces in the most poetic way
You passionately express the injustices
I feel you so deeply
I can’t help but understand
Even if you feel I expect too much
You expect far too less
The disorder couldn’t be categorized
As something of mental understanding
More so as constant cloud over head
Threatening to rain on your parade
Being wet never bothered me
If it meant seeing you shine
So your mad
Fired up over someone’s foolishness
We all hate looking in the mirror
That’s not to say your not brilliant
Ever so clever in your own way
Overflowing with potential
Yet you let the lifestyle discredit you
Idiocy at its finest
Being taught by false prophets,
With low self esteems
Constantly tainting what success is
With visions of temptation
Your final breath taken standing on concrete
Just another causality taken by the game
You are not the same
I could watch anyone else
Sign there life away
For fortune and fame
I Refuse to let you
Walk away from your future
Even if it means
Suffering through the pain
Even if the outcome was the same
My mind will always be the same
Coaxing you off the ledge
Listening to the ever changing perception
Isn’t behavior an interesting thing ?
I find it the most interesting
Your interactions on a daily basis
Speaking with such robust confidence
Your mind may be racing
You don’t even break a sweat
We’re all mad
Our state of being
Is marginal at best
Manic episodes triggered by overwhelming
Amounts of pressure
On the brink of exploding
Until finally
You digress into an eerie calmness
Sleep a distant relative
Slowly and Defiantly your eyes close
I tuck you in whispering love in your ear
Another day finished
Mindset of I
Not enough words
In the world
To describe
How im responding
Pleasantly walking
Through a hail storm
Daintily putting my hood up
Hail hurts sometimes
Yet I’m focused on counting daisy’s
I won’t notice a thing
I’m in a childlike state
Gently discovering the wonders
Of my own imagination
Breathing the same breath
Conjuring safety in chaos
I’m wholeheartedly whole
How beautiful this is
In a world where
Devastation does not exist
Where I don’t subsist
Under unnecessary expectations
Pleased to be
Commonly impressed by impression
I don’t regard distance
As a factor
More as a mindset
Because in my mind
We never parted
In Reality we walk different paths
Drifting in and out of perceptions
In fantasy we prosper together
Souls engulfing eachother