It hurts when you realise you don't want him anymore. You want to want because you're used to him, you like him, he's a great person... You can have a hundred reasons to want to want him again but it's not gonna happen.

Everything you hate doing, feelings you don't want to face, conversations you don't want to have ... mowing the lawn, unloading the dishes. You hate doing it until you actually start doing it. You hate the idea of breaking up with someone until you do it. Then a month spent skipping all the sad songs, trying to keep yourself busy. Laughter helps, sex helps. You can't let your guard down, stay strong. Stop thinking, focus. Yes, you're going home to none, to your silent home with plants and a loud TV. You'll do fine. No matter what happens, you'll always do fine.

Then, in the pitch darkness, a part of you feels free. I can buy a plane ticket right now, I can do anything I want. Relationships tie us down even if we don't realise. You're sweetly bound to a home, to a mortgage, to the animals you've adopted together, to the plans you've made. The food you need to finish before it goes bad, concert tickets bought months ago, laundry, when was the last time we visited the parents... They all tie you with the thinnest threads. You end up in a cacoon in no time. You find peace in it but you can't move your limbs.

The moment you let go, you feel like a cloud. Empty like a long silence. But free. Free like clouds. Imagine, you can do anything you want to. But still empty. For a long time, you'll make coffee for two and drink one.

When I see him, I want to say something but I'm never sure what. Something that makes us special. Something that will help me swallow the knot in my throat. I want to want to hold his hand, but I don't. There's nothing to say.

I want to want him.

I don't want him.

Step 1. 

Find out who you are. 

Step 2. 

Fight to be who you are, even if you are tired from the fight. 

Step 3. 

Find small things to take comfort in. 

Step 4. 

Love yourself, even if its a small bit of you every day. 

Step 5. 

Find who you are, and improve who you are, start with little habits and words. 

Step 6. 

Learn to express your pain, and your gratitude, realize that you don't have to hide away your hurt, it doesn't negate your gratitude or Truth. 

Step 7. 

You are lovable and loving. Hold this in the Truth of who you are.

Step 8. 

Be kind to those you don't know, because you never know who is sobbing behind that big happy smile. 

Step 9. 

Know that you are apart of something bigger than yourself, always try to remember this when things affect you and will effect others. 

Step 10. 

Be you. All of you, in all the glory that you are. 

"Why is Jimmy running around naked outside?" Anne asked.

Frank looked out the window behind Anne and groaned. "He said something about 'getting in touch with nature.'"

Anne's brow furrowed in worry, "Should we get him inside?"

Frank chuckled softly and shook his head at his wife. "You remember what happened last time? We live in the country, I say let him burn his energy."

"You're right," Anne sighed, "Would be easier to put him to bed."

She turned to her husband. "It's just a phase, right?"

"Of course," he brought her close and kissed her on the forehead. 

"Phases can last thirty years...right?"

Frank nodded into her hair and let his tear fall on her shoulder. 

I am the tears you've never shed,

The words you've never said;

The things you've only thought,

And actions never done.

I'm the potential in an author's pen,

The curiosity in a child's brain,

And the twinkle in an eye.

I am the wandering soul 

And the forgotten son.

The woman cried as she read the words over and over again, the words now just a blur. 

They had taken her daughters body but the bath was still full of water. Blood still on the floor.

How could she of not known? 

She grabbed her own paper and pen from her daughters night stand and proceeded to copy the words down.

I'm sorry. 

They say there is a time bomb within my emotions, that at some fatal moment I will erupt

Can they tell what caused it or why, can they even know that I won't ever let it explode

Do you they know that since the realization of my knowing, that the existence in which has made me so, can't be release

That it is a throat full of bees and tears, shredding my fears into tiny bits

Can they give me back what he stole, he took my body and cut at my soulSo sure he could rid me of my agony within thunderstorms

Convincing me that the way to calm flash backs and fears was to let him fuck them away

Not realizing that when I was child my Devil left me out in the rain for a time

Punishing me for something I couldn't control

I said nothing, he took that as a yes, and even though I lay there whimpering he carved his tongue against my flesh

He had the decency to slip on thin protection, not caring that this time wasn't as violent, but I still didn't want it

That when I clawed at his face, and my body arched and tried to crumble inward, it wasn't from pleasure

That when I bit him hard enough to bleed, that it wasn't encouragement for him to succeed

The sad thing now, I don't get scared of things much anymore, either from an abundance of faith in my God, or simply because some of the worst things that could happen to this pink, lively vessel, have been 

Maybe its because somehow, I am having to learn to write out what it feels like to be torn apart, and you have to piece yourself back together

Unable to ignore the aching pieces of a jade heart being mended with liquid diamond

Walls rebuilt, better, harder, faster by titansMaybe one day this beating thing in my chest, won't tense up when I hear the loud growling of a truck engine, maybe then I'll stop checking the doors to make sure he can't get in

Whenever the sky is up and it's sunny outside

You can usually count on me to barricade myself inside

Lock myself in and let myself lose

And videos'll possibly eat away at my feelings inside

Sometimes, I'm just as blown out as the fuse

And I can tell you that I'm not that happy

Sure, I can write, I can speak, I can record myself

But I don't bother to put on a mask anyway

Rather I would want you to see what I'm truly feeling as is

I think the mask has expired today

And I can tell you that I stare at my eyes

Why did it have to be brown, I wonder

I sometimes envy those who have different colors than mine

But the color reminds me of acorns or peanuts

And I'm lost in that sea without anything to whine

And I can tell you I'm lazy most of the time

Because I want some time to think and to be myself for a while

Granted, the IGM starts to take the wheel sometimes

And it feels contemporary to think about it that way

I'll do what I'm told but I would like some kind of day off

And I can tell you that I don't know much anime

Hell, I don't even know that much compared to dedicated fans

But what I can tell you is the plot and characters are what I focus on

Without them, it's as good as a doorstep

By the way, who won?

I miss the old days when I could stay awake until morning

When I was living next to friendly neighbors

And I was hooked onto Chvrches and Flume,

I didn't discover Porter Robinson or Madeon then

Come to think of it, I only had one catchy dance tune

Nowadays, I'm an introverted human with autism and ADHD

It's a miracle that I can even talk and act normal

I have some friends that are close to me

And one that I want to see soon enough

For now, there's no place I'd rather be

There are days when the world wars within my mind

And I go home exhausted, up to my room alone

I wait to talk to someone I haven't talked to right of the bact

Mother calls, dinner calls and then sleep calls

And I go to bed curled up, I sleep like a cat

I feel the need to write it out,

Long gone the days of scream and shout.

My battle weary arms at side,

Some would find in victory pride.

What victory have I on my knees,

Begging ,praying God help me please?

See ?this was my everyday!

Outside strong,inside mayday!

I built my walls so strong and high,

Noone could break them!noone but I!

I rested awhile as my wounds turned to scars,and the bricks I had laid Sat in their tars.

Alone with myself and my father God,

I learned to love me in my concrete pod.

I sat content with the blessings I had,

For once in my life all was not bad.

I tired of echoes ,the thoughts in my head,

I wanted to live where I once felt dead.

Content ,but scared as a child alone,

My comfort layed in my walls, my home.

Realness I cried is all that I want!

Reflection without mirrors can truely haunt.

day in and out I had held sword and shield,

Much too long after the battlefield.

Once I finally put it aside,

This warrior,just a child I cried.

Nobody had to know to see,

This was true and this was me!

Finally at peace I sat and waited,

Promising to never again become jaded.

I sang a song within my heart,

A smile within never again to part.

Then all of a sudden a call I was hearing,

Confused and baffled I began fearing.

My safety , My peace,I've fought so hard!

I contemplate danger !Don't come in my yard!

Although I know my walls are strong,

Their destruction I have not feared for long.

My spirit was shaken down to its core,

My real fear being to Love once more.

I hear him out there singing my name,

I sit in my walls shaking ,feeling so lame.

I freeze and I panick ,

Run circles so manic!

I start to hyperventilate,

Flashback to battle dates!

I sit with once hidden tears in my eyes,

no will of pretend strength,

It was all lies!

Here I am just freaking out!

Yet he sits patiently ,Lulling me out.

Resist!I say,you'll trick me not!

I paid a hefty price for this peaceful lot!

You can't break these walls so don't even try!

get to know me from whithin or just say goodbye!

I waited thinking I'd scared him away,

But no he was there ...everyday.

I found myself in awe ,then came denial,

What does he want?what's behind that smile?

My wall held strong ,but I had to find out,

It was different,real,I could no longer doubt.

This perplexed me ,I took time to think,

Realizing this time I was the kink.

I gathered my wits ,left sword behind,

I slowly to quickly began my climb.

In no time my solitude was no more,

I conquered my walls for what I could adore.

Finally I cried,a man that understands!

Not here to take,or make demands.

You saw saving wasn't needed but heart,

The only way to reach me,what kept me apart.

I didn't need brute,nor a prince,

But someone to be real ,

make some sense.

Someone to stay when they had no reason,

Someone to weather out the season.

Someone to talk without needing replies.

Someone who persisted to comfort my cries.

The one who waited ,who felt,who saw,

Who cared enough to give their all.

The one to show the battle was over,

Just there waiting for me to climb over.

Truly have I met my match!

Love is not a game ,there should be no catch.

Sometimes just aknowledgement of

That hidden gem of a soul....

That's enough to make one desire,create,want a role.

Love unseen ,unfelt,unheard...

It tends to invert ,to hide,feel absurd.

l thought I was content breathing in my death trapped walls

but you so patiently waited out my downfalls.

It's then that I Finally knew.

I was also waiting for you.

HH.                         

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