His name was Shane. My girlfriends older brother, right next door. He was beautiful, black shiny hair, dark tanned skin, older and intriguing to me. I would spend the night at their house, hardly ever got to see him because we were trapped in my friends room, which he did not dare to enter. The times I did see him were magical.

Remember Ouija boards? Well, she had one and her brother would join us in the basement while we experimented with the board. You know how you put your fingers on the pointer and it magically moves around on its own? Well, sometimes, if I was lucky, his fingers would brush mine and I would feel the shocks of excitement course through my young, adolescent body.

In the summers, we would swim. They had a in-ground pool with a diving board. We would have diving contests, judging above water and below the water with swim goggles on. I liked lurking under the water best, that was the best chance to sneak a glance of his body, unnoticed and unaware. I was young and this boy was hot. I'm no perv, just curious about this young mans beautiful body.

This was not love, only a crush. Nothing ever came of my young lust for this man/boy, I was too shy and he was older and simply not interested. We never made moves on each other but I will always have a fondness for him that I will hold in my heart. He was my first crush and never forgotten.

This is not poetry

She was poetry

To encapsulate her

To trap her

To confine her to words

Is impossible

And quite frankly

Ridiculous

Nonetheless

I try

Magical, if you find the right lover.

Love is...

Cruel, if you find the right lover and then they play games with your heart and soul.

Love is...

Complicated, when you find the lover you want but can't have them because the timing is all wrong.

Love is...

Hurtful, when you see your love, day in and day out, yet can't express what they mean to you.

Love is...

Joyful, that one day, they will be yours and you will be theirs.

Love is...

Hopeful, that you can finally be together day and night, together forever.

Love is...

Eternal, when you find that person who you can't live without, who lights up your world, who puts the flame back in your heart, who is there for you, no matter what.

When you find that person, don't let them go, they came into your life for a reason and don't you dare deprive them of your love.

Dig deeper.

I’m silent tonight.

Dig deeper.

If you want to know why.

Dig deeper.

I’m not trying to be problematic.

Dig deeper.

There is more to it then just an argument.

Dig deeper.

I love you I always will.

Dig deeper.

It’s not a question of how much I love you.

Dig deeper.

It’s about the effort you don’t put in.

It’s about love no longer being reciprocated.

It’s about losing hope for our future.

Because all I can think is this is how it’ll always be.

Maybe it’ll get worse as you grow older with me.

The thought of being the one to always put in the work just doesn’t amuse me.

Only if you met me half way but you don’t.

You do your own thing constantly.

It’s exhausting being the one who always plans things.

It’s no longer part of my worries.

I can’t be the one doing everything.

Dig deeper babe before you lose me.

I am human.

I am young,

I am old.

I am tall.

I am short.

I am thin.

I am fat.

I am black.

I am white.

I am rich.

I am poor.

I am a boy.

I am a girl.

I don’t know.

I am gay.

I am straight.

I am bisexual.

I am lesbian.

I am Christian

I am Jewish.

I am Muslim.

I dream.

I wish.

I smile.

I cry.

I laugh.

I hurt.

I work.

I play.

I am a son.

I am a daughter.

I am a mother.

I am a father.

I make mistakes.

I bleed.

I love.

I am here.

I am me.

Though salt water

has never grazed this skin,

the sea calls to me.

A lifetime spent

surrounded by the freshest

water Mother Earth has to give.

Four Great Lakes

as vast as the eye can see

and one lonely mermaid.

I long to swim with sea turtles

and see the coral

through crystal waters.

I wish to take in

the colors of the tropics

which are not found on any pallete.

Sensations and sights

kept only in the wonders

of my mind.

Experienced vicariously

through pictures

and movies.

Until the day when

...at last...

I answer the call.

- Jo Resner

01/20/2018

I never told you how much you meant to me... but maybe you guessed. I loved you and I wanted you to love me back. I know you said you couldn't feel real emotions, but that’s a lie. Because I know you feel, just like me. So just let me care for you when no one else would. It's all I ever wanted from you, you were my reason for surving in this darkness.

Without any light, without hope to hold on to. I thought there would be nothing stopping me from falling apart, that I would end up shattered and splintered... and there would be nothing besides death coming my way. Nothing to fill my hammaring heart and a mind just on the verge of insanity... but you saved my. Even if in truth, you were my destroyer... I thought I would never meet someone that would stop me from breathing and the same time allow me to breath with a full chest fot the first time... you crushed me, you devored me with the darknes that spilled from your heavy heart.

I drowned in your rage, and got consumed by something strongert than was even imnaginable. I fell, and I burned. I died in every possible way.

And yet here I am. Rising from the ashes that you left me scorched. Stronger, in control, alive. Full of assurence that depite all of the cruelty that you pride yourself with, a sort of crest that you carry on your chest... I still saw what you hid underneth it all, with so much caution. I ignored all the distraction that you threw at me and I broke all of the mirrors that you played me with. And when everything was gone and I could see through the fog that was surrounding you... I saw who you really were and I fell deep into your darkness, enjoying every minute of it.

I fought for this love and I got my temporary prize... that love is here right now and if this means that this feeling will destroy me… than be it. I want to burn in your arms again, I want to fall into the ashes besides you… I don’t need to breath, I don’t even have to exist if you’re next to me. Just let me love you, it’s all I ask from you. I need this to survive even if I’m no longer here. So let me cherish you even if you’re the worst thing that ever happened to me... cause you’re also the best part of it all.

My nothing, my everything…

I don’t need words to describe how I feel about you, not even a touch. Just you. That’s all. Can you give me that, just a little piece ? I’ll take it and hide it in my soul… that part of me that was yours from the very beginning. You didn’t steal me… I was already yours.

So remember me, when I am no longer here... and don’t let your heart freeze again, it would be such a waist. It’s worth it you know… living, feeling and loving… thank you for waking me up, I finally had a chance to live. I didn’t before. I was just pretending so people wouldn’t stare. It’s a good thing, having your heart beat for someone else… and feel that love come back to you.

I'm running out of time. I need to go.

Don't look for me.

...

Silence contrasts with a sudden noise. My ears adjust. My eyes, scrunched closed release their stress and open.

Blaring white. My brain aches...

I find that I am laying down, and adjust myself, sitting upright. Up, down, all around, is shadowless white. I look at the ground beneath me. there is no visible features to it. the same, ever-glowing white as my other infinite surroundings. I try to put my hand past it, but it stops at the same invisible surface. My heartbeat is the only sound.

Clambering to my feet, I begin to become stressed. Like an animal, I run. I sprint with all of my might. Never tiring.

***

has it been a decade? a month? a year? I don't know. I have counted to a billion, recited the lyrics of every song I know, and amused myself with my hands for countless hours-- or at least what felt like hours.

***

I have certainly lived here, in the blankness for longer than anyone has even lived. After doing trillions of cartwheels, jumping jacks, frontflips, backflips, and everything in between for the amusement of nobody in particular, I began to forget the english language. My brain still aches, after all this time. I hate the silence. I tell it stories and sing it songs, and it just watches me, like a zoo animal.

***

after another exponential increment in unkown time, I resort to screaming at the top of my lungs, to hear the droning inside my ear...

Heaven is the day after Labor Day at the Jersey Shore. It appears suddenly, heralded by a mass exodus of cars and people. In the void, they leave a tranquility broken only by the occasional chirp of sea birds and the rhythmic crashing of ocean waves into the surf. There are no pearly gates that guard its entrance- just a retiree under a wooden booth with leathery skin and a welcoming smile. She wont judge your deeds like St Peter, but she does require $8 and a promise that you wont litter. You might see an old bearded man, but he's more concerned with his metal detector than your sins and the only thing he cares about ascending is the tide. Despite the lack of harps and angels, it is paradise. Close your eyes and hear the sound of the ocean waves rolling in. The salt air clears your mind. You are present, in the moment. You scoop up a handful of warm sand and let it slip through your fingers, marveling at its fine quality. You stare at the majestic osprey riding the warm air currents to its nest. You observe the fisherman, patiently waiting for a bite while taking in the sunrise. The beach is dotted with small children, building sand castles, playing in the waves, giggling. You recline in your beach chair, tip your hat down low, close your eyes, and appreciate the warmth of the sun's rays on your skin. The ocean breeze lightly blows by. Time becomes an illusion as your feet sink into the soft grains. How long have you been here? Hours? Days? One moment blends into the next and you might just stay here for all eternity. Then you hear it. Faint at first. A rhythmic beating- is it your heart? A bass. In the distance a BMW approaches. Through an open window, you see an artificially tanned fist pumping to the beat. The retiree shudders her booth, but it is too late- the gates have been overrun. Once cast out, they have returned. Memorial Day is here. The garden paradise slowly fades into the background, overtaken by sentient flat-brimmed hats and crushed beer cans. Locals can only bide their time til the Fall returns.

January 1st 2018

Cream coloured carpet

Hardwood kitchen floors

You treat the girls that you love

Like you always wish they’d give you more

Every silken promise

Every earthly tone

Whispered to you solemnly

To make you feel you’re not alone

There seems to be a pattern

Though it’s not mine to accuse

You live in constant fear

That someone might break through

Though If tomorrow I will wake

And shake off this damn curse

I can’t help but secretly hope

You’ll wake up feeling worse