I sat with my legs crossed, a burning feeling deep inside me.

With my right hand I ran my fingers through my scarlet hair, and with my left I pushed my fingernails into my legs skin and scratched it.

My fist clenched tightly and I took huge breaths.

The burning inside me grew and made me clench my teeth, tensing up my whole body.

I lowered my head and grabbed my hair.

Alone, I let out a cry of anger; a scream most would call it.

Tears started running down my face as I let out another cry, as if I was a lost cub in the winter looking for its mother.

I raised my head and let out a last cry, before falling onto my side and closing my eyes.

The day you showed the hate you had,

The painless freedom of hurt

Upon yourself.

Was a day I saw childless world

Where the kids we once were

Turned to sand.

Your scars lead to trails

In dense blossom fields,

Where happiness infected the immune.

Where we were kids in rain or sun,

Light and fearless once was us.

The tears that roll down your flustered cheeks,

Lead to seas where the sounds of creaks were heard, wherever, forever, careless innocence

Tearless presence your were

Flooded future you are.

The can you hold once was mum,

A woman you feel you’ve lost her trust.

Where burst lips and sprained ankles

Only needed one hug.

Now blackouts and hangovers

Barley keep you up.

To hear you hate yourself so much,

When I admire and love the person you become,

Is like someone is attacking you on the other side of glass,

and all I can do is stand and watch.

I stare at photos and swallow back lumps.

Of wheel barrow races and happy young faces

Where young you would wonder the source of your sadness,

When really it’s them.

So clueless and still so scared.

Just kids

“Once part of the past

And now the future”.

cigarettes become the only taste of his lips; & the one day he leaned in,

the smoke was whispering through my eyes and i couldn't tell if that's

why i cried or the words they brought to me: how can i love you

when you love a girl? i can't even fight for you when we're on different sides. 

and when someone you love's breaking because of you, it starts the breaking

inside of you too.

but, all i can manage to do is wipe the mascara from my face and sniffle

my nose while mumbling, it'll be okay. but it's an open-faced lie with

it's mouth in the shape of an O, so we both shove it from the room and

keep looking at everything except each other's faces. and now,

most of our nights end with him standing up and flicking the bits of ash

from his skin, while uttering his new definition of goodbye: i can't control this,

like how i can't control my feelings for you. and i know between each of those

pauses is slips out the question that my heart can't answer correctly: did you ever,

really, truly, love me?

and i don't text; he doesn't text; it's not okay; we're not okay. so i spend

midnights writing sapphic poetry, while he's playing video games.

and we're trying not to think of each other but it doesn't work 'cause

by the second hour we're confessing our sins to a God we don't believe in.

my heart knows it loves him but blurry tears convince me i'm seeing

the girl i use to love, who broke my heart in a way no man ever has;

not even this one.

but we refuse to break up; he's my safety net, the dream i need to believe in

& i'm his soulmate that promised to never leave him; because both of our

loves are there but their bloody and bruised and we can't understand them

anymore. they're broken shards of a mirror we can't piece back together; and

if we did, we'd be too scared to see our reflection together in it.