I wish I could escape

this unlivable life,

just run off

to some island

surrounded by blue water

and I could take in the sun,

just relax,

do nothing for once

with no kids,

no job,

no nagging ex wife,

no boss,

just me

by myself.

And I could sit and smile

and then walk out into the sea

and let the waves take me

away.

only she ever knew

how my heart

was made of stone

for she had shaped it

from the quarry

all so long ago

to replace

the one she shattered

when she said

she couldn't stay

she would talk

to her flowers

as if they were

friends & lovers

from long ago

except

perhaps

for the old peony

whose silent smile

hid secrets

she didn't care

to share

I walk forward and speak

Words come out oblique

Volcaburic insecurity

Words from obscurity.

Words from another plane

Somewhat arcane.

That be said, not vain

Although a bit insane.

But wait, let me explain

I tried to refrain and restrain

Just needed to ascertain

i listen

to

silence

on the other side of the line:

how well do I really know You?

vice versa and

inhale

how well do I really understand Us?

cause

i don't wanna be the girl that waits on the front porch

for you to get home, for you to take a phone call, for you

to break the silence

with words

that we're used to saying

because we're used to saying them

am

I really a coward and

if i'm not why do i feel like i am

you make me forget the world is horrifying

this makes me feel guilty

this makes me feel guilty

this

feels impossible to explain to you

exhale

because I don't know how I know You

and

what if You don't know Me either

A pain no one

Understands

Like an itch

You can’t scratch

A problem no one

Wants to face

Yet I must deal with it

On a day to day

Minute by minute

Unrelenting basis

It’s my own fault

Good decision

Bad decision

That’s inconsequential

As the years pile on

The self inflicted

Soul crushing pain

Only I can feel

I have become

Devoid of hope

One would think

There is no

Foreseeable solution

Other than escape

But I’m no coward

And as Camus said

“…in the end

one needs more courage

to live than to

kill himself.”

Within the lucidity

Of my existence

The only logical choice

In an absurd life

Is to suffer

The consequences

Of my choices

In the front row

The Eye of Sauron

Sees all

Moviegoers as voyeurs

Observing life

Through the lens

Of the camera

Avoiding judgement

From the incorruptible

Reflection within the mirror

Sit down and shut up

Do not doubt anything

Proceed exactly as you’re told

For we control everything

The government values obedience

Conform without question

Stay in lockstep with society

There’s no freedom of expression

Change starts with self awareness

Defy the foundations of normality

Begin to think and act for yourself

Be free to create your own reality

The rulers demand ideological compliance

But self awareness occurs from cultivated thought

We need to stay sovereign amongst the chaos

Or the fight to be free will be for naught

My mother always had her birthday-

the one thing my father remembered, due to his children's tentative reminders.

Her stocking was always half full, and most years she was the one to fill it.

She only did it halfway, herself, too, feeling undeserving, thanking Santa for the sake of our happiness.

Belittled by a man with a wandering eye, a cabinet filled with vases that hadn't housed flowers in twenty years.

I remedy it now. I give her an oversized stocking overflowing with love and gratitude,

flowers on every holiday, treats just because.

Some women fear their daughters will make fun of their own mother at their fathers behest,

but I am nothing like my father. I am my mother's mirror image- one that will never insult, or spout insecurity.