November 13th, 2016

Clarissa Downing 

Diary Entry 

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Good Morning," I exclaim getting out of bed. My mother was downstairs making me birthday pancakes. Running down my stairs, I hear the pit-pat of my kitten behind me. Frijoli is always right my me. Such sweet cat.

I come running into the kitchen and slip on water. My mother and I are now laughing hysterically. I get up and eat my pancakes. My mother knows how to cook and we are going into the living room for presents and to watch the news.

In the living room, there was only a few small presents wrapped in iridescent wrapping paper. Turn out, I got a Polaroid camera and some cute clothing. Me and my mom now turned on the television and put on the news. Same old stories. People in today's society are truly getting worse. A man getting shot and bridge getting set on fire because of people doing drugs. Honestly, have some common sense. I decided to go back to my room and get ready for my day. All of my friends are going shopping with me and after they had a surprise to show me. I do not like surprises because of my anxiety. People do not know about my anxiety though and they just call me weird for not liking their surprises. 

I get up to my room and check my phone. I instantly get hit with messages from Twitter, Instagram, and my friends. All wishing me a happy birthday. This made me smile. Now, what do I wear? I have no idea of what we are doing after shopping.

I picked a simple black top with a long, grey, sleeveless sweater and a pair of sandals. I thought this would comfortable and cute. Also, perfect for anything we would be doing. They will be here at noon, so I have and hour until they get here. I decide to take a shower to fix my messy hair. I get dressed and head out the door. Amanda said she wanted to drive because she wanted the plans to be a surprise.

Now, we arrived at a shopping mall  and started to shop. We went into a store and got amazing smelling candles and perfume. Then we went into a store to get cute sweaters and jeans. We ended up in restaurant selling sausage and mash. It was delicious and I will most certainly be coming back.  

Now, back in the car. We are jamming to some music and we have no care on who is looking at us. It was time to go to the surprise and I am nervous. 

It turned out to be a large castle and my friends rented it out for the night. How expensive was that? Many other people starting coming and they were all carrying presents. I am excited. 

After the party got started, I was getting really nervous. So, I decided to step outside into the beautiful, flower covered woods. I would get so pictures with my new camera. As I walked out, I felt like I was not alone. I heard something behind me and snapped a photo. Who are you?

. . . . . . . . . . .

Police Report

February 7th, 2017 

Clarissa is still missing and no suspects have been found. The only evidence we have was the one picture she took on her Polaroid camera and her diary. The picture showed a dark shadow, but no face. Her friends did not think of anything and the castle was left with present boxes on the table. Fallen decorations still lay on the floor.

Prologue

Were all lost among in different galaxies

Gazing into the stars

Hoping that someone is gazing back into our face

that gives a feeling

That we are not alone in our world

Outside the window sill

Humans are all scared of being lonely

Sometimes we need somebody

Because we don't trust ourselves to be alone

With the demons in our head

But when we look up

Into the stars

We like

To believe their is

Something

Out there

ALiens

God

Or etc

That night

I was looking among

The stars

Sitting

And looking

At the window

And I felt this gravitational pull

This feeling I belonged somewhere just not here in this small town

I was smoking cannabis

Just little fucked up for the fun

It was last day of summer

The leaves were aged

The apples crisp

Bursting

The trees withered

The wind changed

The flowers went to sleep

Dreams tucked into nightmares

Yeah nightmares

Junior

Year

Scholarships

Grades that mattered

Teacher shoving down

Recommendations in my mouth

Growing up

Late nights doing homework

Stuck in my jammies

Watching netflix

But my dreams

Were far in the stars

I had many ideas or plans

But they never had a focus point

My friends say I am a dreamer

And they tell me to keep dreaming

My parents say to grow up

If they really knew all the shit

I have done they would know

I have already grew up

But on the streets

And the only home I have is the stars

Anyway My name is casey and here is my story

About getting lost and found 

I'm sorry I was never good enough for you,

that try as I might, I could never be the me

that you wanted.

I'm sorry I was never pretty enough,

never smart enough,

never talented enough,

never sexy enough.

I'm sorry you felt like you had to

beat "the dog shit" out of me

on a weekly basis.

I'm sorry your brains are

  now

    splattered

      upon

        the

          floor.

Master your fears, you must.

Never mind her great bust,

avoid attachments, you should.

Only then, fully good

you will be.

Yes, from fear, you must flee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#starwars, #maythefourth

There SHOULD be breasts here, I think again, as I touch my upper chest, now flat as a board. But no, breast cancer came in like a mercenary and had no mercy, taking what was once my best feature.

As I undress to ready for my shower, I think of the perfect melons that I used to have. Double Ds and amazingly perky, when they very well could have been so saggy, like my grandmother's, who could damn near hook hers under her belt. No, mine were svelte and round, sitting on my chest like two perfect sentries, surveying all whom they may conquer. And boy, did they conquer! Many men fell under my spell - old, young, black, white; hell, even the gays couldn't help but admire them.

And now they are gone! I feel the wetness on my cheeks and realize that I am once again crying over my loss. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yell; I refuse to cry! So instead I pound pound pound my hand against the bathroom wall until it's numb, perhaps broken, but I don't care, because now I am broken. Now, I no longer have my badges of womanhood. Now, I can no longer get out of parking tickets or get free drinks at my favorite bar. Now, I can no longer wear those cute halter tops, basking in the attention my twins used to award me with.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can get reconstructive surgery, but they won't be MINE, dammit! I spent YEARS building them up! I even did that funny exercise with my friends when I was young, the one Judy Blume taught us about in 'Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret'. We'd sit in a circle in one of our bedrooms, chanting our mantra - "We must, we must, we must increase our busts!" - while bringing our bent arms forwards and back over and over again. I don't know for sure, of course, if that did the trick, but my mams sure were marvelous!

And now they are gone! I look at where a mirror used to be, before I smashed it and all the others, the better to never again see my lacking chest... Dammit, that felt good, smashing them all to smithereens. I wish I could do the same to that fuckin' cancer!

But I cannot. All I can do is think about how much I've lost. About how Brad left, with some lame excuse ending in "It's not you, it's me". Bullshit. It was all me. And what I could no longer provide him... God, he used to love my boobs, stroking them with just the right touch, softly rubbing on my nipples, feeling them hardening and-

No! I will NOT think about that! Fuck Brad and the horse he rode in on!..or his "horse" that I used to ride every other morning... No! Get a grip, Rachel, I tell myself. We do NOT want to think about that douche-bag anymore!

The water is running, but I can't bring myself to get in. I can't touch the scars that mark where my womanhood was torn away from me. I just can't... I just can't. So instead, I just sit on the bathroom floor and cry and cry and cry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Neither myself nor anyone in my family (that I know of) have had to deal with this atrocious disease, but I imagine this' exactly how I'd react, if not worse, should that ever come my way.

With that being said, I also want this to work as my stand in solidarity for those who have suffered.

Deeper, deeper; I

drown in the essence of you.

Love pulls me under.

Brighter are my days,

wider are my smiles, my love,

for I am at peace.

Deeper, deeper; I

crawl into my shell, away

from all that was us.

- Bob, when she's 13, in her bedroom, covered in pink, the pussy bleeds

- John, 16, in his bedroom, covered with poster girls

 *repeat 2x, until he dumps her for another girl

- Brad, 18, in her dorm room, while roomie sleeps

 *every night until she leaves him for...

- Henry, 19, in his dorm room, while roomie secretly watches

 *2x a week, until he gets kicked out of school

- Michael, 22, in a dingy motel room, first blowjob

 *he didn't call

- Phillip and Paul, 22, in a different motel room, first three-way

- Can't remember name, 22, in a dark alley, in exchange for heroin

- More names, unremembered, 22-25, various locations, usually strung-out

- John (a different one), 26, another motel room, first foray into BDSM

- Steven, 26, back to the alley, in exchange for heroin

 *2x a week, until she "quits"

- Monte, 27, first interracial fuck

- Tim and Theodore, 27, their place, another three-way

- Tiffany, 28, in a nice hotel, first same-sex encounter

- Wanda and Robert, 28, their place, another three-way

 *repeat 3x, until Wanda gets too jealous

- Sylvester, 29, in a van, exchanged for heroin

 *repeat 12x, until thrown in jail

- Marie, Stella, Connie, that redhead, 2 unnamed guards, 30, in her jail cell

- Matthew, 30, in a halfway house

 *repeat 2x, then he confesses he has...

- AIDS, 35, alone in the bathroom, last masturbation, last breath

You're pretty happy about everything that you've done so far today. You got a lot of work done, made some people happy, made a few jokes that they laughed at.  But still, there's more you can do. It's not as if you're doing a bad job, per say, but more like you're not doing enough.

Despite what you tell your friend, you can't act upon what you've told them. You know that you're young, yet you think ahead of everything. Just as they do. You really shouldn't and you know that, but for some reason, you do.

You decide that it'd be nice to go on a quick break and get online. You talk to a few people, play a few games, but then you're left... Unsure. Unsure on what to do. You don't know where your life is really heading.

You're doing it again. Thinking too far ahead. You're not even through school, and yet you expect to have a clear path in life. You know better.

You decide to get off and sleep. What a short day.

Dear Ma,

You never had enough,

And taught us that life is tough,

But always tried to give us as much as you could one way or the other.

Your struggle is something i will always remember

Now I am miles away,

Just calling to say hey

Dont worry bout me

You taught me everything that was needed to be

I once told someone,

That you live in shades of black and white,

So old you couldnt see at night

You live to make sure we are alright

Always kept me in your sight

And now you can sleep through the night

I swear I would do anything for you,

If you asked me to,

And although I come across as heartless and that I only care about myself,

I love you more than the rest because you're the best,

In this world full of lies your love is the only thing that's real

Sorry it took so long to realize

I promised her I will make it in life

Because its only right

When times are rough that i will fight

Anything else is failure

Words cannot describe everything I feel about you,

But my life is empty without someone like you

So caring yet so annoying,

And I guess this is true love,

Forever secretly emotional and unconditional,

Loving someone without expecting something in return.

Ma life lessons learned