That'd make you feel good wouldn't it? Seeing me lose control. Then you could play the victim but this isn't a game I'm willing to throw. You think you're so fucking smart, that you've got me backed into a corner. I built this fucking house. I'll burn it to the ground before you're part owner. You mistake my stillness for weakness, thinking I've lost my edge. But just because a monster is quiet doesn't mean it's dead. You provoke as if you're a challenge but the power has always been imbalanced. I could have ended you with a few words, pointed out some harsh truths then stood back and watched you swing from that noose. But this monster doesn't stir that easily, especially not for someone so measly.

I've only known you for a week.

But I loved you already.

You were to be the baby of all my babies.

I was meant to carry you for the next 8 months and get to know you better. I was meant to hold you in sweet motherhood's embrace: to stare in wonder at your sweet face on the day of your birth. You were going to have so many friends. Your brother and sisters were going to love you beyond measure. You were to be our little one. I couldn't wait to carry you alongside your growing cousin, and I was so thrilled to surprise your auntie by telling her I was carrying her babies' Birthday buddy.

I felt so confident of the life you would live.

I spent hours searching for your name, but none seemed to be just right. Maybe a part of me knew then that I would never hold you. You see, sweet baby, I have lost you already. And I miss you so much. I miss the dreams I dared to dream for you. I miss all you would have been... All you could have been.

This morning, I got up, and I knew you were gone. I called the doctor and scheduled an appointment, hoping I'd been mistaken somehow. This morning your sister, who we'd not told about you, prayed for you. She prayed for her little baby brother. She thanked God for you. I am so sorry you won't get to meet her here. I wish there were some way to change it all... To give you that life I'd hoped, but alas, sweet baby, I cannot decide these things.

I know that Jesus is holding you now, and you're happy. I am so glad you are with him there.

But oh, my sweet baby with wings, I miss you already.

I just wish, sometimes, when the song you sent started playing on Spotify, that I could tell you a lot of things.

That when I was with you, I didn't have anyone else.

(Even though I told you I did. I didn't. Not really. I wanted to be tough, I just wanted you to hate me. I didn't even care if I hurt you.)

That I still can't bear to listen to some of the songs we listened together. It's not because I still love you like that, per se,

but everything now is just tinted with regret and mistakes.

I am still not sure whether or not I felt pain because I wasn't your girl or your friend.

I don't know what kind of love I had for you. I wish I could talk to you forever. I wish you continued to look at me like that. I wish your mother liked me, not pitied me. I wish we could just be who we were.

But when you looked at me like you wanted more, I felt so uncomfortable.

Maybe you were my best friend.

But I didn't know any love so pure before.

Before you, no one looked at me before.

Before you, no one said I was a good person. So sure I was a good person. Said I was a wonder. Looked at me like I was the most beautiful being in the world. No one took my side. Not really.

Did I want to be with you or just with you?

Either way, I lost everything.

I wish I would be more aware of my own issues.

I rushed into you so fast my head spinned. I still remember when I sneaked out of the dormitory to meet you, letting you lie on my lap, whispering and giggling together. You loved me. Young love. Pure and filled with wonderment.

So heavy it made me breathless.

I was not ready. So dumb, so young, so naive.

In the end, I let you go.

I moved on. You moved on. But I still regret how I ended things with you. It never healed. No matter how bad I tried to.

There are many different kinds of love. I think.

When I have come to realize that, I know I was also in love.

Gratifying.

Painful.

Liberatibg.

Such freedom from that realization alone, I almost couldn't bear.

All light is fading

you’re the only one

keeping me

moving

and I know

that’s wrong

to say

but I can’t help myself

my mind is weakening.

I know that in every possible timeline

I end up a terrible person

No matter what choices I will or have made

My personality will only worsen

The only game I'll play is the Devil's Advocate

Because I am a fire that can't be contained

I'll spread and burn but I can't be to blame

Because no matter what, this path has me chained

Don't.

Stop.

Please.

I.

Can't.

Help...

They're coming for me

But I can't see

Which direction.

Run!

A tumultuous sea of emotions inside me roars,

A constant battle between pain and joy, it pours.

Pain grips me tightly, like a vise around my heart

Aching and throbbing, tearing me apart

It steals my breath and clouds my mind

Leaving me helpless, to suffer in kind

Sadness envelopes me, a heavy cloak to wear

Tears fall like raindrops, leaving me bare

Memories flood in, of love that's lost

A heart shattered, with too high a cost

Sadness grips my heart with its icy fingers,

Dragging me down to where darkness lingers.

Anxiety grips me, like a vice around my throat

Breathless and trembling, a feeling remote

I fear the unknown, the what ifs and maybes

Leaving me helpless, to worry like the babies

Anxiety grips me in its suffocating hold,

Making it hard for me to be bold.

Scare grips me, like a monster in the night

Terrifying and haunting, filling me with fright

I try to escape, to run and to hide

But the fear within, it will not subside

Scared of what the future may hold,

I feel like I'm slowly losing my hold.

Happiness fills me, like sunshine on my face

A warm and gentle feeling, a loving embrace

It lifts me up and fills me with light

Making everything seem so bright

But amidst all this chaos and pain,

There's a glimmer of hope that keeps me sane.

Happiness, like a ray of sunshine, peeks through the clouds,

Filling me with warmth that melts away the shrouds.

And though I'm nervous about what's to come,

I know that I'll find my way, my heart beating like a drum.

For life is a journey with ups and downs,

And it's up to us to turn our frowns.

Nervousness grips me, like a butterfly in my gut

Fluttering and stirring, with knots in my gut

I'm scared to move, to take a step forward

But the thrill within, it cannot be ignored

A slow suffocating eruption of raw chaos bubbling deep in the bowels of my being.

Choking for breath, grasping for anything that will keep me alive, going, moving forward,

towards something

-anything.

Sharp,

stinging

salty tears

burn

as they slowly fall

from my sunken eyes.

My heavy heart

barely beating from the blows of life

it's withstood.

How do people survive love?

We were an us, until further discussed;

we fell apart.

Here I lie a broken "I."

1 is the loneliest number and I struggle to see a way out of my own despair.

The air is so thin, impossible to breathe.

I can't see, I can't move, I can't eat, I can't.

All I can do is exist in this endless pain and sorrow.

Exist and pray for a new tomorrow.