I should hate you

like I know my parents do

you push and pull me

thinking you control me

but you don't

you're only ripping parts of me away

When you pull

for the last time

will you be willing to take me

even if i'm in pieces

even if i'm broken

and

can never be fixed

Will you take me then

I know you won't

since you wouldn't even take me

when I was whole

I should hate you.

Hating a father is right when he abandons the family. Such hatred forms a formidable shieldwall, my siblings closing ranks against your selfish destruction. We cannot rely upon society to deride the man, only on ourselves to keep family life surviving, moving onwards, a collective lugging on a mandated journey until we can finally leave the staggered start-line of a cold home.

But such hatred helps no-one, save to source a twisted vindication for you.

Instead you taught me consequence when you leveraged 100k against the family home then left.

You taught me restraint when you became a sexpat.

You taught me tolerance when you berated your students.

You taught me reflection when you refused to see a counsellor.

You taught me honesty when you breathe that noxious mix of nervousness and arrogance, a facile smile.

You taught me discipline when you spent everything our ancestors left.

Like all great learning, the teacher provided only the stimulus. It was up to me to find the lesson.

I can’t hate you as you are, a fifteen-year old boy in a seventy-year-old body, still waiting to be told the lesson.

I should hate you, but to hate you is to poison me. Hatred is like murder, for when I hate I wish for your demise. I wish for bad things to happen to you, I wish for you to know my pain and watch in agony as you go about your life as normal. Do you even care? Do you even know? Would you care if you knew? I often burden myself with these questions when I give in to the taste of bitter heart poison and lie to myself that it tastes sweet as honey.

I should hate you, but I have another choice I can make. A choice that is more powerful than it looks and more freeing than I can believe. I do not have to forget what you did or pretend you didn’t do it, but it would be in my best interest to forgive, to lay down the burden of wishing you harm. An apology would help, but I’m not holding out hope for one. So I have to lay it down anyway, not forgetting what you did, but no longer desiring your harm or to harm you myself.

Forgiveness, at least at the start, looks bitter. It looks poisonous. But one little taste and I could find that it tastes sweet as honey and I won’t have to lie to myself about the taste.

this is a letter to you, the ones who made me who i am now.

to the first girl who made fun of me -

i should hate you, but somehow i find my hatred for you gets overpowered by the hatred i now have for myself. i hate myself because of you, which should be why i hate you, but i think that now i hate me more than i hate you. i should hate you for all the things you said about me. i should hate you for how you made me into the mess i don’t want to be. i should hate you for shattering my self confidence. i should hate you for making me feel like i was nothing, nobody, worthless, but i don’t. i guess i have to thank you too, though - you’re part of the reason i’m trying to be a better person.

to the first boy who broke my heart -

i should hate you for what you did to me. i should hate you for the way you used me as an emotional toy to help you cope with everything you were feeling. i should hate you for the way you made me feel like i can’t go to people about my problems because you got mad at me for pretty much everything. i should hate you for confessing to a girl back in your hometown that you still had feelings for her while we were together. i should hate you for talking shit about me to one of my friends. the hardest part of this one is that i’ve accepted that you’re just egotistical, full of yourself and that’s just the person you are but god, i want to move past it. i can’t hold on to everything you’ve done to me and let it destroy me. so instead of hating you, i’m going to let it all go. you are not worth my time and haven’t been for a while.

to everyone who’s suffered through something similar -

you’ve made it through some really shit things. you’re doing great and i’m proud of you. sending love to you.

-m.s.

I should hate you.

You, the absent father.

You, who moved from job to job to avoid providing for me.

You, the man I keep up with in mugshots.

But I don't.

You were never there to dry my tears when I was upset.

You didn't tuck me in at night or read me stories.

You didn't carry me on your shoulders when I needed to see over the crowd.

You didn't plan my birthday party or even send a card.

You weren't there for prom night or my wedding.

Yes, I should hate you, but I don't know you...

... and I think I'm a better person for that.

I should hate you.

you left me when I needed you.

but I'll still love you.

that raw pain you inflicted was enough for me to bring you out of my life.

but you don't know you do it.

so i'll just lie here instead, lying in my bed

thinking about my feelings for you.

My story ends here.

I should hate you,

but

it goes against

my

nature and God

said,

"... bless those that curse

you..."

As the days pass,

I

have second thoughts,

I

may feel too much,

I

massage my scars

and

I pray for you.

I should hate you

For taking my freedom away

For taking my dreams away

For taking my happiness away.

But I can’t label you a thief,

I can’t report you to the police

Because you never stole

my freedom

my dreams

my happiness

From me.

I gifted them to you,

Covered them in wrapping paper and

Decorated them with red ribbon,

Jumped down the chimney and

Left them under the Christmas tree

Without eating the cookies and milk you left for me.

I didn’t even realize until they were gone

That I would have to spend the rest of the year in the North Pole,

Isolated from everybody else and with

Nobody believing in me.

I should hate you,

But I can’t.

I only hate myself.

prompt: red ribbon :)