a problem

will not go

away if

you ignore it.

i learned that the hard way.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel” declared Maya Angelou.

Just because someone is your family doesn't mean that they have your best interests in mind. Some times the ones closest to us are the ones that hurt us the most for a variety of reasons. Maybe they can't stand that you are more talented. Maybe they are afraid or full of regret so they push all of their insecurities onto you. Ultimately it doesn't matter what the reason is, because some times family isn't everything. They may have raised you, but doesn't mean that they own you. You have to live your life and answer for your decisions, not them.

Having said that, the phrase "you cannot choose your family" isn't 100% true. You can choose who you are going to date, who to marry, and who you are going to have kids with. So choose wisely and remember the pain of the past so that history doesn't repeat itself.

There are things, most things worth learning, that you have to figure out for yourself. I've learned, maybe it takes a village - but if you're not living your life for who you really are, there is no point in anyone having any part of you at all.

People pulled me aside. You look like you're on speed. I ate bowls of ice cream, cake, you get it, to appease them. But inside, I was losing important neuron connections. It wasn't just about appearance anymore. Cortisol pumped through me, which I later learned changes your brain. I couldn't, and wouldn't take their advice. I had to be pure.

And I still suffer for it.

My brain on good days is still wired badly. I have spent a decade putting the pieces back together. You must understand that rehab, constant, grueling rehab, takes away a part of yourself you had taken for granted; you lose touch with definitions that you had previously used freely. Definitions of being.

If you're reading this far, please understand that hating yourself changes you. Not just psychologically - chemically. Even if you're not really taking speed.

I look at fashion models now and know the value of a good slice of cake.

Know that your body is whole as it is.

"Just because a match doesn't light the first time, it doesn't mean it won't the second."

I don't know where I first heard this quote, but it reminds me daily to keep trying even if I didn't make it on the first try and to not give up after one embarrassing moment or disappointing failure.

When starting a new relationship with anyone, take everything they say with a grain of salt. The truth will come out eventually. Maybe the guy has a wife and six kids in Bulgaria? What do you know? The girl says her name is Julie Smith and her ID says her name is Julie Smith. All you know is that she says her name is Julie Smith and her ID matches that. Eveything else is revealed with time.

Did you meet her friends? Her colleagues? Does he show up on time? Does he answer his phone? Does she cancel at the last minute? Have you met his family? The only way to get to know someone is through time and experience. If there are excuses and red flags, no-shows and mysteries, you have no one to blame but yourself for ignoring the warning signs. Love is a rush, a drug and it's so fun to go head-long into a deep dive. Just don't sign anything, buy furniture, adopt people or pets, or move in together until you've spent at least a year doing the hard work of getting to know the truth about the other in all its boring, minutiae. Because real connections are born of those little, excrutiating details. Does he remember your birthday, does she bring soup when you're sick, does he cancel a camping trip to accompany you to that wedding? When you spend time apart does she freak out? Does he have an addiction? A fetish? A job? A valid drivers license? An arrest record?

Oftentimes, you don't want to know the answer. You want the fantasy. Don't blame the other person because you jumped in with your barrel or change purse of expectations. He was just looking for a distraction from his wife and six kids in Bulgaria.

If you fail to wait for the gradual reveal, the answer will always find you, and it won't be kind. Don't waste years of your life on someone not worth your time.

Now, go forth and love. Carefully, slowly.

I want to help everyone. Make them all feel okay. But when all my smiles are used up, no one comes back to thank me. Carry around a platter full of hope. An ear always waiting to listen. Eyes open to pull in the information. What to ignore. What to remember.

But I can't make everyone happy, because I'll drain myself out; not able to help anyone at all.

You are not here, for you, It told me, as I drew in a long deep breath, and relinquished It. I understood. It was not mine, but in me, as well as in everybody else.

You are filled with the holy spirit, It said, as I saw myself, a vessel among vessels within the vessel of Life Itself.

Pour, Experience commanded, and I felt better, about myself and Existence Itself.

08.19.2020

One Thing To Pass On challenge @HelloWorld

What do you want?

Is it what you really need or what you greed for,

Is success really what you want or the feeling of being better than the rest is just what you greed for,

The world does not need that, life doesn't need that.

Is being responsible for her heart and feelings what you really want or being responsible for your satisfaction and her orgasms is just what you greed for,

she doesn't need that, she doesn't deserve that.

Is being the foundation and pillar of his happiness what you really want or using him as another self esteem boosting statistic is what you really greed for,

He doesn't need that, love does not deserve that.

Is making the world a better place by fighting for the right cause and killing villains each day that passes really what you want or being superior and actually wanting things to be run by your imperfect ways is what you greed for,

There's no good in killing, every child deserve a father, the Earth do not need anymore blood.

Seeing the smile of little children while knowing they're safe, waking up to the beautiful sounds of the singing birds in morning while breathing clean and unharming air and basically just Making this world a better place for everyone is the one true thing the writer wants.

That is what the children need,

That is what the parents need,

That is what the animals need,

That is what trees, the water and air needs

That is what the Earth need.