If we were to meet again

I’d yell and beat my breast

Who the hell do you think you are?

You’re nobody, just like me –so stop

You’re not any better than I am

so don’t sing it to the rooftop.

If we were to meet again

I’d flash my face in yours and scream

It’s lonely at the top of a pile of nobodies

croaking that you’re somebody unique

beating your own drum, rat-a-tat-tat

for the invisible audience that you seek.

If we were to meet again..

I would tell you how much your friendship meant.

If we were to meet again..

I would hug you tightly.

If we were to meet again..

I would smile at you.

If we were to meet again..

I would talk continually with you.

If we were to meet again..

I would look into your smiling face.

If we were to meet again..

I would not make the same mistake.

If we were to meet again..

I would appreciate your kindness, words, and affection.

If we were to meet again..

I would make things right.

If we were to meet again..

And you only look on the past,

I hope you push it behind us, so we can start over, but only..

If we were to meet again.

if we were to meet again,

i'd imprint your face into my memories;

the mole under your right eye, the slight crease

on your forehead, the faded scar on the left side

of your nose, the way your hair always brushed into

your eyes, the way your eyes crinkled when you

smiled. i'd sear that moment into my memories.

if we were to meet again,

i'd say i'm sorry

for all the years i left you waiting

in this very same spot all those years ago.

i wonder if you felt this same way;

endless longing for something that no longer

exists, desire for nothing more than to see each

other again. enduring all these suffocating feelings

of pain, loneliness, & sadness all while clinging

onto the hope that one day i'll return to you.

replaying the memories we once shared over &

over & over again until you've replayed them so

many times, you can no longer bear it, but at the

same time you can't let them go.

if we were to meet again,

i'd be back on that hill where i first met you,

watching you smile under the moonlight

as you turned back to look at me again.

i'd be back on that hill where i still am, waiting

endlessly. & i'm living a life where i'm wondering

when the end will come, all while waiting for you.

if we were to meet again,

& you were to say you never wanted to see

me again, i'd say okay & i'd let you go.

because you should be happy, even if that means

it's not by my side.

i guess, it's my turn to wait for you.

even if you don't come back at all.

if we were to meet again,

i'd wait for you no matter how long it takes.

if we were to meet again, i'd pretend you didn't exist,

the memories can stay in my head,

the love i have for you locked away, in my heart

if we were to meet again, i'd avoid conversation,

just because we could be something again, doesn't mean we have to,

even though i wish we could

if we were to meet again, and you tried to make me remember,

i would tell you, i forgot,

even though, i haven't

If we were to meet again

I’d look away.

If we were to meet again again

I’d cross to the other side of the street.

If we were to meet again again again.

I’d curse you under my breath.

If we were to meet again again again again

I’d scream obscenities loud even for the entire city to hear

making dogs bark, small children cry, roosters freeze struck with envy.

If we were to meet again again again again again again

I’d go about my way

unable to recall your very existence.

If we were to meet again, you might recognize my face despite the years and wrinkles. But, my sweet, you would never in a million years recognize the real me.

If we were to meet again, you would see that my heart is not the same selfish, parochial one I once gave to you. My heart has grown and matured. And now there is room for many, many people, including a special place I hold for a life partner. Strange, isn’t it? The more my heart grows, the more selfless I become.

If we were to meet again, would I recognize you?

If we were to meet again, maybe I wouldn't choke up

and forget every word I had planned to say.

If we were to meet again, maybe I wouldn't miss your question

after getting caught in the depth that was your emerald eyes.

If we were to meet again maybe, my thoughts would be filled

with something other than simply your words stuck in my mind.

If we were to meet again, maybe I wouldn't run away.

If we were to meet again maybe I would hang around a little longer

in the embrace of your arms in mine.

If we were to meet again, maybe you could convince

me not to flee from what I thought you had become.

If we were to meet again.

If we were to meet again

I would wear my pain

Hidden behind the anger on my face

All through past days

Where you found it and

God knows it was the only reason

You were curious enough to stay

If we were to meet again

I would still preach my brain

Never soul’s truth

Never tell the truth

Oh the amusement

You and I know you enjoyed it

Deciphering what I meant

From what I never said

If we were to meet again

I would drink to my last dime

Stumble through my sins

Scramble in the remains

Of things

That used to be

Those were the only times

You ever believed

My pain was true

My hope deceased

And not a joke

Or a curable disease

If we were to meet again

Oh Lord, I pray I am still damaged

Because the thought of saving me

Was the only reason you stayed

If we were to meet again

I wouldn’t change anything about you

Because I loved you

And I still do

If we were to meet again

I hope you still don’t love me too

I’d still prefer you leave

Than let me ruin you

If we were to meet again

Ha, I’ll do it all over

Again.

If we were to meet again, my heart would skip a beat at the sight of your face. I would know it was you by the blue of your eyes, the crookedness of your smile, and the scars I so deeply inflicted.

If we were to meet again, I would hope you would embrace me like we did so many times before. I wouldn’t deserve the warmth of your skin next to mine, but I could only hope for one last reminder.

If we were to meet again, I would tell you how my life had changed since we parted ways. And oh, how it was so much better without you in it.

If we were to meet again, I’d take a picture of you in front of the brick building you lived in on Main Street. Your red lipstick would reflect off the lens in a glittering explosion of classy sass. You were undermined, my new favorite word. It’s your word: Taylor Swifts doppelgänger, your blond hair close enough to stroke.

If we were to meet again, I’d ask you about Fordham. What it’s like to have a higher purpose. I’d ask about the Manhattan journalist boyfriend, the silent chihuahua you’d somehow accrued on Main Street, in the brick apartment that somehow allowed dogs.

If we were to meet again, I’d ask after the vintage clothes and 90’s People magazines you collected for ten cents each. You like to post those to your Instagram account now, but modestly, not pretentiously. Nothing about you is pretentious, though you are pretty enough to be.

If we were to meet again, I’d ask how you do it. The perfect mix of class and vintage blouses. Maybe I need short blond hair in order to offset bright lipstick and make myself stand out; you, however, don’t care about how you are perceived. You live life in a bubble of oblivion, stopping only to ask yourself if this is what you like.

If we were to meet again, I’d ask why you stopped talking to me. Am I not interesting enough? I think it was, I’m not mysterious enough. I blurt out everything I think, regardless of whether it will sting. I’m too crass, too real. You are unreal, keeping silent and remaining untouchable.

If we were to meet again, I’d tell you about my writing. Maybe one day, you’ll read me in a magazine and post the clippings on your walls, like your French girls.