I know you'll never get this letter. But I wanted to say thank you. And I miss you.
I'm being melodramatic, I know. It's only been a couple of days. But it's not like that for me. It's been years.
Only now, when you're away, do I have the strength to say this: I've been waiting for you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. From that day we met two years ago, I wanted to know you. I wanted to spend every simple second with you.
It never mattered what we were doing, only if you were there.
Maybe it seemed like nothing to you. I almost hope it did. I always hope it didn't.
Don't you understand that I've never felt this way? Don't you understand this sinking feeling, this beautiful, wrong, perpetual, ugly feeling?
No, I guess you wouldn't understand. Nevermind, you shouldn't. I don't expect you to love me back.
So. How have you been, without me? Is it even any different?
The crumpled note flew through the air and hit the rim of the trash can.
It bounced, then fell onto the ground.
No one moved to pick it up.
“The person you are trying to contact is currently unavailable, please try again later or leave a message.”
“Hey... I just wanted to ask how you’ve been. Since the break up.
I wanted to ask since... it’s been hard for me.
And I wanted to know how you are... without me...
I’ve been walking on hot coals with every waking moment.
I don’t mean to guilt you into anything but I just...
Didn’t want you to be feeling the same.
Sorry for wasting your time...
Call me back...
I hung up the phone, clearing my throat in an attempt to clear the lump that had grown there.
I slid down the wall, trying to contain my tears.
The phone dangled from my fingers, my arms lain across my kness that were pulled to my chest.
My voice kept breaking while I was talking, mostly because I was almost eager to hear his reply.
Because I wondered how he had been without me.
How have you been?
Is it better without me?
Have you finally moved on?
Is it everything you dreamed it would be?
Tell me honestly, how have you been without me?
How have you been, without me?
I watch you when everything else becomes tiresome,
when all the gold seems like guilt,
when all the glitter is on the ground,
when there is nothing else to see,
I watch you miss me.
how did you know
it was going to be
have you been
you didn't seem
been acting like
it will only be
i know i still feel; wondering if you do, too
how has it been?
how has it felt,
with the empty space beside you
not pulsing with my
energy and love?
how has it been,
being alone and
not worrying about something
else you know you shouldn't?
how has it felt?
because i know
that everytime i think
of the empty space
where you used to be
a grieving pulse sounds aloud
i know that
isn't something i like to revisit
i still worry about you
even if you don't worry about me
i wonder often
how you've been,
but i'll leave you be
if that's what you want
i guess i'll leave you be
even if it hurts me still
i'll leave you be and let it go
hope you're happy, even
i'll still wonder,
from time to time,
the question i don't
want the answer to -
how have you been, without me?
Without you I feel like I'm falling
Falling down, falling backwards, falling to pieces
Anything but falling out of love
Without you I feel lost
Lost in my head, lost in the sea, lost in life
Just not lost in your eyes
Without you I feel broken
Broken-hearted, broken beyond repair, broken and shattered
I just wish I could be broken in your arms
Through all this time
Through all this pain
I've just had one question:
How have you been, without me?
"I know I'm just a burden,
And you didn't want me,
So I left a while ago.
I don't expect you to text me back,
I just wanted to ask how have you been,
That's all I am,
Not worth enough to look for,
Not useful enough to help look.
Laying on the bed,
Teardrops turning into pools,
Pools turning into oceans,
Until I'm drowning in my own emotions.
"I know you've been fine without me,
But I'm not fine alone."
I wish that you kept me around.
How Have You Been Without Me, Dear?
How have you been without me, Dear?
I wanted counseling, you wanted out. We both wanted things to change, to be better.
Six years. It’s not a decade, or even a nice, round number. But it’s a lot. Over 300 Saturdays. Remember the one when we went boating with Jane and Matthew? I wanted to try water skiing and you said I should go for it and Matthew drove the boat so fast I thought I was going to die and when I fell in the water I almost lost my trunks and then we had burgers and beers and you got so sunburned Jane said you looked like a tomato. We made love that night. It was quick, because of your sunburn and my sore muscles, but afterward I held you and you smiled and I asked why you were smiling and you just said you were happy and I said I was, too. And I was.
Over 300 Sundays, too. Remember that one when the power went out during the church service? You said it was because even God thought pastor’s sermons were getting too dull and I said it was probably that old lady who didn’t like my tattoos coming back to haunt the place because her funeral had been that week and you told me that was too far but you couldn’t stop laughing but you wanted to be quiet so you were holding in your laughter and then you snorted in the dark and everyone was looking around to see who snorted. I still sit in that same pew at church. Alone. Almost every Sunday.
Over 300 Mondays, too. Remember it was a Monday when Jasmine was born? Your water broke outside on the deck and I was grilling stuffed porkchops and you said it was time and I didn’t know what to do with the porkchops so I threw them in the garbage and pulled the car out of the garage and we sped to the hospital and just a few hours later she was here and she had your eyes and I was scared and excited and I held her for the first time while I watched Monday Night Football on the hospital TV. I held her today. She asked about you. She’s so confused about all this. We both are.
How have you been without me, Dear? I don’t know how to be without you. I want 300 more Saturdays. 3,000 more. And we will dance and we will smile and we will fight and we will yell and we will cry and we will live and we will be. Us. Together. How have you been without me, Dear, when we are empty apart?
I’m glad you are happy
How have you been, without me?
I've seen you in the halls. You look happy. I knew you never needed me, I knew you could go on without damage.
Even though I struggled to move on after what you did, I'm still glad that you are content. I hope he treats you better, I hope you give him a chance. One you never gave to me because of who I was. I hope you grow up and realize your mistakes.