oh lover of the light do not despair

at day’s quick death in the winter air,

for what was summer’s kingly glow

is not defeated by winter’s snow

but only changed, and scattered far

into the points of a thousand stars:

the glitter of frost, the crystal gems

of ice that sparkle in all the glens,

the little candles in each window,

the glimmering icicles that grow

from every roof, and look at the sight,

of the silent, moonlit, icy midnight.

yes, this is winter, soft but bright;

do not despair, oh lover of the light.

Tango of shame

I am to blame

words carving

life slot starving

magic pluck

no such luck

dip into soft jar

weary hand from afar

widen the road

madness unload

stomp into ground

solution not found

naked words

hushed birds

molten breath

sudden death

skeletons strung

clotheslines flung

slice the wind

cover sin

tense echoes

lined in rows

no elbow room

certain doom

long reach

I beseech

infinite sky

let words fly

unhinge the strings

free thought rings.

Running is cheap and a fantastic way to maintain some base level of fitness. What's more, knee injuries tend to occur equally among those who run, and those who don't.

If you're only running a couple of times a week, the risk of you suffering from any kind of running injury is very low, and the likelihood of your overall quality of life being high will increase.

Still, you might know all this, and you might even run from time to time, but that doesn't mean you're enjoying it. Every session is a struggle, and you're not sure the endorphins are worth it.

If you're here for a little extra motivation, you've come to the right place.

INDEX

For runners who find running boring, please go to 1.

For runners who find running embarrassing, please go to 2.

For runners who find running painful, please go to 3.

For runners who find running exhausting, please go to 4.

For runners who find running unnecessary, please go to 5.

For runners who need a sense of achievement, go to 6.

1.

"It's boring."

I here ya buddy.

Now, you're probably going to need some headphones for this part. Of course running with a friend might be ideal, but we can't always conjure up the perfect running buddy at exactly the right time.

The trick is not to make the 'run' the whole point. Kid yourself you're just utilising time efficiently. You can listen to the news (Global News Podcast, anyone?), a podcast (99% invisible?).

You can listen to sad songs, the kind you'd sing along to. You can listen to empowering songs, old rock songs that remind you of being sixteen. I highly recommend getting into an album by someone you like.

Songs about sex are also fantastic for when your running. There's nothing like gently fantasising about a steamy session to reach a new PB.

You might also enjoy the silence, or instrumental music, which will leave you more mental space to plan and think out your next steps—for your novel, your work, your life, your wife. When you're feeling down, there's nothing like a run to give yourself a little fake therapy sessions—and the hot bath afterwards will be the epitome of tender loving care.

2.

You're self-conscious.

Honestly, this is probably the main reason I wouldn't run if I hadn't started young. It was the reason at fourteen, when I was being dragged out on runs by my dad, I turned to him and said:

'Our neighbours talk about us running. I heard them mocking us.'

And my dad rolled his eyes, laughed and said: 'Who cares?'

I shrugged. I did.

'If you stop doing things because you're worried what others will think, you'll never do anything,' he said.

And this is the only thing which has proven to be true.

I usually meet no one at all on my runs. For the most part, running is 90% not embarrassing—and definitely worth it. The embarrassment is mostly inside your own head.

However, embarrassing encounters while running can and do happen. Usually the other person is not embarrassed at all and really doesn't care that you're out puffing. They might congratulate you or say:

'Oh, you run!' but chances are they'll soon forget.

In the very unlikely event anyone did think about it more than once, or cared at all, they would swiftly be shut down by anyone around them. What psychopath cares about someone else running to the extent of gossiping about it?

You cannot make sure you will always be wearing your best running outfit, that your skin will be glowing and your armpits deodorised. Sometimes, the sunscreen will melt into your eyes and sting them red, and you'll stink. But trust me. No one except you cares. There is nothing about running which should make you embarrassed. You can and should be really proud of what you are achieving.

3. Running is painful.

You should not be running if it is painful. You should not be doing anything which could cause you harm. This article is not for you, there is no point running if it is not safe for you.

There have been rare instances where I did not want to run and was slightly hypochondriac that I imagined pain in my knees and shins when there actually was none. I know this because a minute of running would be painful, but thirty, forty minutes in, I'd be feeling free and flying high.

But I am going to assume you need to take care of yourself and should not be running—or reading this article.

4. Running is exhausting.

Listen to your body. If it wants more sleep, if it wants to eat more, let it. Give it what it asks you. For some people, a little coffee before a run does wonders.

There are also times of day which are better for different people's bodies. Late morning, early afternoon, all of these might *your* time. I find running early in the day can zap some of my energy for the rest of it—especially if the run is long. Others find that it energises them.

Nutrition really will change the game. If I am not eating enough protein—which happens regularly since I am terrible at feeding myself, then I will be tired and my muscle will tighten and ache for longer. Similar thing with sleep.

I shouldn't need to say this, but do space out your runs. Don't overrun—either by running every day when your body doesn't want it, or for too long. Give yourself some structure, in terms of breaks and time out running. A short run from time to time is much better for muscle building.

My sibling's muscles weren't growing, and they were pushing themselves harder and harder. They thought they weren't pushing themselves hard enough. But they had a special muscle/athletic lactate test and the results actually showed that they needed more easy work outs and more rest in order to grow more.

5.

If you're someone who thrives from the gains and that sense of achievement, either join a running club, where you will be trained to maximise your potential, or even just follow a running training plan. You will be astonished by the progress you see.

Running—especially running fast—is a fantastic lower body impact sport for building muscle.

Running faster and having better overall aerobic fitness is also a very exciting process. Setting milestones and goals makes running more fun and will improve your self esteem.

6.

You're right. Running is not necessary to your life. It can mildly improve your life—a short run from time to time will boost your mood and make you feel stronger. But don't do it because it's necessary. It isn't and shouldn't be considered as such. Do it because you enjoy it—an eight minutes of walk-run-dance to start your day.

Sonya Renee Taylor once said: “Health is not a state that we owe the world. We are not less valuable, worthy, or loveable because we are not healthy. Lastly there is no standard of health that is achievable for all bodies. Our belief that there should be anchors the systemic oppression of ableism and reinforces the notion that people with illnesses and disabilities have defective bodies rather than different bodies.”

Running is a way to love your body, and an easy way to feel better and take care of yourself. It is not worth it if it does not bring you joy—joy being the best way to take care of yourself.

Go do something you enjoy.

Did we move on?

I ask myself that question all the time. Especially when I see your ex-wife at Target and wonder about the time we could've had.

My ex is off in Texas, married now, with an adorable little boy. I'm sorry I could never give her that. But, we both knew that, for me, my future was only ever with you.

You pop up in my dreams sometimes, and I wake up thinking you're beside me. It's devastating every time it happens. I don't know why I can't remember that we are no longer together when I'm asleep, because it's all I ever think about when I'm awake.

Carina, my love, it's been five years now. I can't believe it. How did I go this long without you? How have I survived it?

I think about you all the time. I wonder if you think of me too.

You must. There's no way that two people who cared for one another the way that we did, can just go on and never think of each other again. You cannot touch someone's soul and then forget them.

I have to cross your mind from time to time, if only in passing.

I never moved on. Not really. Did you?

One day, did you wake up, and no longer think of my face? Did you go all day without thinking about calling me?

That hasn't happened for me yet. My friends used to say, "Give it time." But now, they just scowl when I say your name. They miss what it was like before you, but I can't go back to who I was then. I can't go back to the time I lived without you. I don't know how.

Carina-

Did we move on?

I wonder if we did. It eats at me, thinking that you might have a new life without me in it.

My ex-wife says she sees you sometimes. We are still on good terms, she and I. You see, we split because I loved you and she wished I loved her. We chose to stay friends despite it. So, when she sees you, she tells me how you look.

She says that you have been sad. Marissa can tell by the look on your face.

Do you miss me?

I know that's wishful thinking. We were in-love once, that doesn't mean that every feeling you have is about me. But sometimes, I hope it is. Because I miss you.

I miss you so much it's hard to breathe. I feel the weight of your eyes suffocating me, without ever seeing your face.

For five years, I have yearned for you.

I know we had our problems, but I cannot let you go. I don't know why and I wish it would stop.

Because all I do is think of you.

How have I survived it?

How have you?

You must miss me too.

Two people cannot peer into one another's heart and turn away without looking back. You have to look back, sometime. And when you do, I'll be there.

I picked up a movie flyer. There was approximately five minutes till Nancy arrived and the movie started. I had exhausted my social media browsing. There is a limit to the amount of times I can refresh a page, till surely, I am caught up with everything worthwhile. New babies, engagements, life changing purchases in the suburbs. Checking movie flyers is somehow exciting. I like to see what is coming out. For any titles that spark my interest, I set aside a date in my imaginary calendar, and consider who to invite. Sometimes I choose to go alone, particularly if the genre is romance...

-- Alone. A dismal state I often grapple with ever since I left you five long years ago. It was not an easy choice. It had become obvious to me that you were not happy in your job. You would bring the stress home. You were often too tired to spend quality time with me. You were giving up opportunities to stay with me. You weren't free to do what you truly wanted. So, as one does when they truly love someone; I put you first. I left you. I flew away from our relationship and the life we had built, and the promises we had made, so you could soar. My heart hurts when I think back. I had to be harsh so you could move on without regrets. To achieve a dream like yours, you need to focus. You need to be desperate. I knew if you could return to me, you might give up --

"Beth! Thanks for waiting! I'll quickly grab the popcorn. It's on me!" Nancy brought me back to reality. "Oh, that movie looks good, too. I saw an interview with the director on TV. He apparently dedicated it to an ex-girlfriend."

I looked at the flyer. My body felt hot and my heart rate quickened.

The movie title, "Did we move on?"

Did we move on?

It wasn't my fault you had to leave. It wasn't yours either. It was the world.

You were wearing a yellow jacket when you signed the divorce papers.

And you got the car. Plate number 120V5Y1. Red Toyota.

And then I was alone.

Year one was lonely. I stopped drawing, and I stopped writing. I stopped smiling.

Year two was a little better, maybe. I got a cat to keep me company.

Year three was hard. My cat died- it got hit by a car. Then I got fired.

Year four nobody remembered my birthday. But I started drawing again.

Year five I started writing again. I smiled too. But I can't tell if the smiles were real.

Year six I finally found a new lover. And I finished my book.

But on the first page of that novel-

I wrote your name under the dedication.

I hope you bought a copy. I hope you drove to the bookstore in that red Toyota.

I hope you remember me.

Did we really move on?

-

I wore a yellow jacket when I signed the papers, because you said it was pretty on me once.

Those years were hard you know.

I didn't smile once.

Until I saw my name inside the front cover of a novel at the library.

I started thinking about you, driving that red Toyota.

Why did I leave you? Just because the world is cruel?

Did we really move on?

Did we move on?

I wonder everyday.

If we did I don’t see it

It’s been five years

We still pass each other

We just can’t face our fears

I wonder if I’ve moved on

I have talked with others,

But when I close my eyes

I don’t see them.

I see you.

I see the sky,

The stars,

The night,

Dancing dizzily overhead

I hear your laugh

And mine too

The way you’d stare at me

And I’d stare at you.

The memories of us whisper in my ear

So soft yet loud they’re impossible

Not to hear.

Then I open my eyes

You're not here.

It’s not night but day,

The day is suddenly dark with my thoughts of you

I try to push them away.

I haven’t moved on…

I don’t know how

Have you moved on?

Even if you have

I still haven’t

If only one of us did

Then

Did we move on?

And her eyes speak a lot like mine at the end of the night, heavy-lidded with wine, conveying a yearning, a longing, a certain pine, for who you were the original time you stumbled

Across one another in snow, your hearts without each other rusted and hollow, to your emptiness, she was the sharp echo, at least at first

His matches my insatiable thirst for the perverse and the hopelessly cursed, my impatience for the innocent and unversed, my love for the scent of heavy cloudburst

She even has my unbalanced disposition, a woman possessed by her own intuition, using your flaws as emotional ammunition to bleed you dry

And, like you, he loves to watch me cry from a frigid cold distance, never explaining why he's drifting away and his actions belie what they once were

She chokes out a guttural purr, "She'll never be me and I'll never be her…" even when it seems that some types reoccur, nearly perfect clones

I became his to consume, lick the bones, he whispers to me in low, sinister tones, "I used to love you." the words sinking like stones, a reiteration

And she's manning your obliteration, not submissive at all, but with vociferation and, like I, she lacks desideration for any part of you

He tells me exactly what to do and couldn't care less about the black and blue tinting my skin, coated in a panicked dew of perspiration and pain

Five years and a day since we last had contact, our connection a charade, a joke, a play-act, we found one another in others when that love cracked, dehydrated and gone

Because each one after US is a nearly identical pawn, a void-filler, a bore, a yawn, we take them wishing affection would respawn, so tell me…

"Did we move on…?"

Did we move on?

Because I can't remember the last time

I felt your touch

but neither felt

a touch like yours

So

I have to know

if you have sung your silly lines

to another shell shocked memory

or placed your calloused fingers

to someone else's silk embroidery

If you answered yes

then I'll tell you I have too

but I admit it isn't true

I never could lie to you

I forget to notice the years as they pass

the world spins around me and I'm stuck in the past

in the glass you wrote "I love you"

and I said I loved you too

we kissed then danced all evening

'neath the dark of the full moon

Why did we move on?

silent speech slips from your lips

as your thought gives no answer

for I barely remember the voice

I still cherish so dearly

Did we move on?

How would we know?

We're together,

Then we're alone.

The years that passed,

Dragged on and on.

They're incomplete,

And feel so wrong.

But then I think,

Of what I knew.

Converged to one,

When we were two.

I remember

Those awful fights,

Screaming, crying

All of those nights.

Depression came,

Happiness left.

When it ended,

I felt bereft.

I have freedom,

For what that's worth.

Disorders haunt,

My very girth.

But going back,

Is not a choice.

I can't return,

To silenced voice.

I must recall

My very soul,

Is not cut out

To take this toll.

Being alone

Is what we need.

Does not matter

How much we bleed.

We cannot ask

For more from man,

Than we're willing

To give a damn.

For truth conveys

Darkness within.

Life's not a game

To cheat, to win.

We don't deserve

Optimism.

We are full of

Narcissism.

Did we move on?

I do not know,

But we must face

The life we chose.

For Challenge- "Did we move on?" by funlynry due October 5th.