You held my hand and squeezed it tightly

As tears stained your cheeks

Like the wine I spilled on the carpet.

We caught it in time,

But there’s an essence left that won’t evaporate.

I replaced my hand with gloves and shears

And I left you the hose to nurture the garden.

There is life under the dirt, I swear;

Buds hidden that haven’t bloomed.

You just have to try.

We all know ’bout everything—

not more & nothin’ less.

We know ’bout what our neighbor’s done

& why his home’s a mess.

We learned it from the Internet,

TV & radio.

We know about the latest fads—

like Honey Cheerios.

Soon all the news will be sent out

directly to our brains.

We’ll hear about new wars & films—

or if it’s gonna rain.

What matters if the world will end

by fiercely, feisty, flames?

There’ll be no way to make it stop—

or start it all again.

I’d like to hide in goldfish bowls

or quiet, sheltered caves.

Just to get a little rest

before I dig my grave.

Copyright 2020

i like you like

daisies

and laziness

on rainy days.

i like you like crazy

in all the ways.

souls

dipped in

saltwater and sand,

in african sunsets

and starry nights,

souls dipped in

the smell of coffee,

in the sounds of the river,

in the people's sweet words.

we carry them home

those souls,

dipped so deeply in the gold,

they drip.

I know that I must have become numb

and lost all feeling

Because I still remember the day that my friends came over

(I owe it to my friends–all of my healing)

And they heard my mother, who, unaware of their presence

Accused me of stealing

Snacks at midnight, of hoarding food and eating it alone–

And when I walked out to see them

They told me that I looked beautiful

They handed me a flower, and said I was like the stem.

The strong pillar beneath that becomes a blooming bud

I felt warmth and safety, and that heat

that melted my heart, that kindness that feels sweet

at first, that relief at knowing that someone out there

can still love you, can see you for who you are and for that reason care–

My face was unaccustomed to smiling;

my armor unaccustomed to feeling flower petals

raining from the sky.

I had no clue that people who claimed to care about me

could even be tender–

If this was what a support system was, then I could fly.

––Leaving and forgetting my childhood home became easy.

#growingpains #eatingdisorder #triggerwarning #friendsaregifts @ColdRamen

It’s a Quiet Death under a Silent Breath.

Twist, shake, rip, shock, break

No one knows because they don’t want to

like shielding the sun from your face

Wouldnt believe it if I told you

Tried a million times

They make me into something sick with something to prove

Woulda been better if I hadn’t killed myself when I turned red

Woulda been better if I just learned to play nice and be friends

I love them too much

If I just agree, this will never end

If this won’t end, I want to end

Let’s pretend.. Let’s pretend..

What could I do to push you away?

What would you do, if I hurt you?

Deeply

How could I shock you—with me?

How would it feel to be thrown away?

Again

How could I melt your smile?

How could I make you hate me?

Forever

Why do these thoughts keep blooming?

How come I can't believe anything lasts?

At all

#poetry, #darkthoughts

A car almost hit me today

It was sleeting and I was crossing the street

On the phone

Window rolled down

Less than 6 feet away

The driver said I’m sorry

Less than 2

A tick sprung from my bedsheets

Crushed it

With a library book I didn’t read

Overdue.

I retreat to my room as my mother giggles to her boyfriend

I’m not telling you!

(She’s not telling him)

Usually I like a slow melt but

Burning makes me do things unlike myself.

#poetry